Heart of Glass

by Dale, Lindy

  “I can’t wait to get you alone,” he said. “If I don’t get that dress off you soon I’m going to go crazy.”

  As we gazed into each other’s eyes, I could feel the spell being woven around us. It was a powerful feeling and I know Ben felt it too. I could have asked him to give up his dreams and he would have done it. Nothing and no one else mattered in the world.

  ***

  The sound of the music from the ballroom disappeared and my magical night dissolved in a puddle around my silver sandals.

  “Are you for real?” I stared, open mouthed into Lucy’s reflection in the mirror. It’d taken some serious persuasion to get her to agree to come to the Ball, she’d been determined to stay at home, and God, I wished she had.

  Lucy’s face was sober. “There’s no other explanation. I’ve missed three times. I’m pregnant for sure.”

  I didn’t know what to say but I couldn’t help feeling that she’d received her just deserts. She had behaved badly and had used Dan to make Ben jealous. “Have you told Dan yet?”

  “No, I was hoping it would be a false alarm.”

  Lucy’s face crumpled and she began to sob, huge tears plopping onto the bodice of her gown. Resting her forearms on the basin, she threw her head down on them, her body tortured with emotion. “Besides, I can’t tell him. It … it might be Ben’s.”

  My face shattered.

  “But you used contraception, didn’t you?”

  “Well, I s’pose so.”

  I grabbed her shoulders, shaking her. “Shit, Lucy, think! This is important. Can’t you even remember being with Ben?”

  “I don’t know. We were drunk, I can’t remember.”

  Oh. Well that was fabulous! I could have wrung her little Barbie neck until her head popped off.

  “Let’s ask Ben. He must remember. I can’t imagine he’d be so careless.”

  Lucy continued to sob. “It‘s hopeless. I just don’t know what to do. My parents are going to kill me.”

  That was if I didn’t do it first, the silly cow! My face twisted in anger, but I tried to hold it together, to behave as Mum would in a crisis, when all I wanted to do was smack Lucy’s face. I rubbed her heaving shoulders but my hands prickled wanting to tighten around the sinuous skin of her neck.

  “Is there something I could do? Shall I go and get Ben?”

  “I don’t think so. You know, it feels good to tell somebody at last. It was beginning to eat me up.” Lucy dabbed her red eyes with her hanky and looked at her reflection in the mirror. She took a lipgloss from her purse and rubbed it over her lips attempting to repair some of the damage. How could she be so composed? My life was about to end and she was putting on lipgloss!

  “You have to tell him.”

  “I know. But I don’t know how.”

  “What about if I come with you? Will that help? You have to do it now, though.”

  Our hands locked together, we left the toilets. I could feel Lucy’s palm, clammy with sweat, as we approached the boys who were waiting for us in the foyer. I gave it a tiny squeeze of reassurance thinking that I was more of a saint than an angel for putting up with her all this time.

  “I’m here for you,” I whispered. “You can do this.”

  We walked over to where Dan and Ben were sitting on the planter box sharing a private joke. I was reluctant to spoil the evening. The news that Lucy was about to break would wipe the smile off Ben’s face for a very long time.

  “You’re kidding, right?” Ben searched her face for a sign that she may be playing a cruel joke.

  “I’m positive. The thing is I don’t know whether you’re the father or Dan.”

  Dan was angry. “I used a condom, if that’s what you mean, Lucy. Don’t you remember?”

  “Not really, but if you say so. What about you Ben? I was too drunk the night we were together. I can’t remember a thing.”

  Typical! I thought. If I’d had sex with Ben there was no way on Earth I’d forget it.

  Ben’s finger rubbed across his jaw. “I did as well, but the last time we did it, it broke. You laughed and told me not to worry.”

  Dan flopped down beside Ben. “Fuck!”

  “I think that’s something of an understatement given the circumstances.”

  Ben put his head into his hands, silent for the longest time. “When’s it due?”

  “June.”

  “Shit,” Dan muttered.

  “So, it’s not too late to have an abortion?”

  Yes, what a great idea, I thought. Who gives a shit about Catholic morality?

  “No, but I’d be cutting it fine and anyway I don’t have the money. I’m not sure what I want to do. I just want it to go away.”

  I snorted. I couldn’t help it. Maybe she should have thought of that before she screwed my boyfriend.

  “I’ll support you whatever you decide Lucy, but I won’t marry you and I’m not ready for kids. I don’t even like them,” Ben said. “Have you told your parents?”

  “I wanted to tell you first.”

  “I s’pose we had best go together and break the news then. I’ll come with you in the morning.”

  He was as responsible as Lucy. He had to face the music.

  ***

  We lay side by side on our backs in the dark unable to speak. We had the blanket; we had the darkness and stars. We even had the champagne. The dress designed to drive him wild with my breasts bursting out all Elizabethan-like had been perfect. But how could I contemplate sex now? How could I have ever thought my life would be perfect?

  The woollen car rug that Ben had dragged onto the grass was warm beneath us and I could feel the heat from his body as it grazed the edge of mine. Our fingers were entwined, as were our hearts, even though I felt as if mine were breaking. The silence was all around us like a death shroud thrown over our heads. When Ben had promised me a night to remember, I hadn’t been expecting an explosion.

  He squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry.”

  “I can’t talk Ben, I have no words.” I closed my eyes, unable to look at him, trying to decide how I felt and what I should do. Someone had to be the sensible one and I guessed it was me.

  “But what’re we going to do? What will happen to us?”

  I turned my head away. He already new the answer. He didn’t need me to tell him.

  Forever had passed when the morning sun lifted its head from slumber and began the new day. It rose into the sky; only its radiant light was seen at first as it moved from behind the distant foothills. The night was done but a new day was beginning. A day where Ben would be gone from my life, forever. I studied his face as he dozed. His long dark lashes rested upon his cheeks. Soft stubble had appeared around his chin and his hair was a jumble of untidy blonde strands. He was mine, but we could never be together. There was a baby to consider. I had to set him free. He needed to know his child and take care of it.

  Leaning closer, allowing his body to protect me from the early morning chill I reached up and ran a finger down the side of his face wanting to remember him in that peaceful state.

  “Wake up, sleepy head. The sun’s coming up.”

  He ran a knuckle over his lids. “I wasn’t asleep. I was resting my eyes. Have you been watching me?”

  “Mmm. I’ve never seen how you look in the morning. It’s nice. You look like a big teddy.”

  He squeezed my body closer to his own. “You look the same as always, completely sexy.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “Why? It’s true.”

  “You have to look after Lucy. You can’t leave her.”

  “I know, but I want you.”

  “I don’t see how that can happen.”

  “So this is the end?” He looked at me in disbelief, but what else could I do? I was only sixteen. My life was not going to be about sorrow and pain.

  “I guess so, but maybe one day we’ll be together.” Silent, I gathered our things and made ready to leave. Then, kissing him, I took his hand and led him towards
the car. “Come on, Teddy. The sun is up. It’s the start of a new day.”

  He got into the driver’s seat and revved the engine. The radio, never off, flared to life and I could hear Paul McCartney lamenting a lost love… “The long and winding road that leads to your door…”

  I looked at Ben and began to cry.

  Chapter 10

  BREAKIN’ UP IS HARD TO DO

  Don’t take your love away from me

  Don’t you leave my heart in misery

  Cause if you go then I’ll be blue, ‘cause breaking up is hard to do.

  The Partridge Family

  What was it that David Cassidy once said? Breaking up is hard to do? If only I’d taken heed of his words when I’d sat glued to the ‘Partridge Family’ at age eleven wishing those burgundy velvet vests and pirate shirts were my own, I might never have gotten myself into such a strange predicament. But then, Ben wouldn’t have been part of my life either.

  On the floor of the bedroom, a large shoebox filled with mementoes sat at my feet. I stared, consumed, at the pink and purple sequins I had glued into heart shapes around the border. What a waste of time that had been. Lifting the lid, I pulled out the card Ben had given me for my birthday, fingering its cute picture. There were the letters he had written too and the photo of us at the Christmas Ball. We looked so happy, so in love. And now he was gone forever. His duty was to Lucy and the baby. God, I wanted her to die a slow and torturous death, the cow, or at least become fat and bloated from the pregnancy and lose her figure forever.

  I pulled the tissue out from my sleeve; blowing my nose that was already so raw I may as well have used sandpaper. What was I going to do with all this stuff? Maybe I could invite the girls over for a ceremonial burning. Who was I kidding? I never wanted to see Lucy again. I’d rather have gone swimming in a tank of razor-toothed piranhas than have her flouncing around our house telling me about how wonderful everything was now that she had Ben and I didn’t. I sighed with sadness. One last thing to go in the box and I would be free of him forever. Reaching to the back of my neck, I found the clasp and undid the love heart necklace. All he ever did was hurt me but now it was over. Thank God, I hadn’t had sex with him.

  From the study the insistent ringing of the phone interrupted my thoughts. It was Prue.

  “Are you looking at the ‘Ben’ box again? It’s obsessive, you know.”

  “Of course not!” I lied. “I put that away days ago.”

  Okay, so it was minutes ago but as if I was going to tell her that.

  “Good.” There were some queer munching noises on the other end of the line and then a swallow. “Sorry, I was finishing my lunch.”

  Of course. What else would she be doing if she wasn’t pashing Paul. I could have killed myself in despair and she wouldn’t find out until she finished her hot dog.

  “What’s up anyway?” I asked.

  “We’ve decided you need crisis intervention. Moping in your room won’t bring Ben back. So, Jen and I are taking you out for coffee and cake in the park.”

  “Will there be retail therapy?” If she said yes, I’d already decided to turn her down. An afternoon of shopping with Prue was worse than having all your teeth pulled at once. I’d always hated it.

  “No. I know you hate it but there will be lots of love from your friends.”

  “Okay. I’ll meet you there in an hour.”

  I put on the stereo and set it to replay. I had enough time to listen to ‘Babe’ once more before I went to catch the bus.

  ***

  Prue and Jen did their best to avoid the ‘B’ word but after exhausting every other topic, we came back to the only thing we wanted to talk about anyway.

  “Ben’s gone to Melbourne,” Prue said. She couldn’t even meet my eyes when she said his name. “He has a three year contract with the Cats.”

  “How d’you find this stuff out?”

  “Lucy,” she stated, not worried that the mere mention of that name made me want to slit my wrists. “She’s gloating big time that her baby’s father is going to be a huge football star. Apparently, he hasn’t asked her to move there with him yet but she knows it’s only a matter of time.”

  And wouldn’t that just make my day! I thought. All Lucy’s talk of friendship had been abandoned when her true target was within range. She didn’t care if she crushed me to a pulp to get it. I studied my hot chips and pushed them aside.

  “I hope they’re very happy together.”

  Jen put her hand over mine. “You don’t mean that do you?”

  “Of course, I don’t mean it. I want to scratch her eyes out! What do you think?”

  God, I needed some new friends. They weren’t even good at consolation.

  “The club have made arrangements for him to fast track his Year 12 and then go to Uni to do architecture,” Prue continued.

  “That’s good. At least I’ll never have to see either of them again.”

  Jen cleared her throat. “Well, not really. Lucy and her parents had the meeting with Mother Imelda yesterday, and she’s allowed to stay at school until a few weeks before her due date.”

  “What? Has she no conscience at all? Not only has she ruined my life but also I get the agony of being reminded every day. I’m going to kill myself!”

  “She seems really happy.”

  “Yeah, well I’m not and nobody cares less,” I declared. “Why is it that everything has to be about her?”

  And I wasn’t happy. I saw Lucy at school and I couldn’t talk to her, I couldn’t say her name or even look at her blossoming body, knowing Ben had done that to her. But she swanned around, her silly ninnies fawning over her and getting her everything she needed. Once again, Lucy had managed to turn shit into gold.

  ***

  Frustrated at Lucy’s ever increasing popularity and trying desperately to avoid her and her ‘bump’, I joined the drama club with the St Peter’s boys. I was a shoo-in for the part of Juliet in the school production of Romeo and Juliet, I decided. My whole life was a tragedy anyway, so I wouldn’t need to act.

  The Head of Drama must have agreed, for somehow I got the role. Over the moon, I threw myself into learning my lines before we began rehearsals. It was fun and it kept me from dwelling on stuff that was no longer my concern. It gave me an outlet for my misery and a bit of fun that didn’t involve talking about boys. At last, things seemed to be looking up.

  On the afternoon of the first rehearsal, I met Andrew - my Romeo.

  “I’m Andrew,” he said, coming to sit on the bench beside me. “I can’t believe we’ve never met before.”

  “I guess our schools are bigger than we think, huh?” As I smiled up into his sea green eyes I realised what a good idea drama had been. If hot chips didn’t take your mind off a lost love, this boy certainly would. His tall, lean presence in a room with those wide shoulders and big dark eyes was enough to make any girl’s heart flutter. The best part was that if I squinted enough, he looked a bit like Ben. Playing Juliet to his Romeo was going to be pleasant if nothing else.

  Within a few weeks, I was feeling much happier indeed. Then one day, as we were engrossed in a rehearsal for the bedroom scene, Prue came rushing to the side of the stage.

  “Bella. You need to come now.”

  I opened a serene eye and dragged myself out of Andrew’s arms. This had better be good, I thought.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “There’s been an accident. Lucy fell!”

  Like the spiteful cow I could sometimes be, I suddenly wished she’d been pushed. Not all incidents in the school needed to be about her and that damn baby. I pulled myself together and tried to sound Christian. “Is she all right?”

  Prue began to cry. “Don’t know. Mother Imelda called an ambulance. Lucy’s unconscious.”

  “Come on,” I said, tossing poor Andrew off the bed and to the floor with a thud. “Let’s see what we can find out.”

  It was four days before we were allowed to see her. Lucy’s mother,
with all the authority of the Queen of England, had declared her hospital room off limits. I wondered if this included Ben. He had to be there somewhere.

  In my new Christian way, I’d decided to try to put my jealousy aside and forgive yet again.

  “You feeling any better?” I asked, as we sat at her bedside admiring the enormous egg shaped lump on her forehead.

  Lucy’s face was tearstained. “Apart from this deformity on my head, I’m improving. But I have this ache in my heart. It’s like a part of me is missing.”

  Welcome to my world, Lucy Roberts. Feel some of my pain. I shook my head, trying to dispel such mean thoughts.

  “Have you thought of a name yet?” Prue asked.

  “I’m going to call her Victoria, Victoria Kate Roberts. It was my grandma’s name.”

  “It’s a beautiful name.”

  I looked down at her lying in the bed, so small and frail, yet still so damn beautiful. I knew I shouldn’t have asked and Prue would have kicked me under the bed if she could have reached but I had to know. “Has Ben been to visit you?”

  “He came straight after the birth. I never expected him to. His parents were so angry with me. I s’pose they’ll be pleased, now.” She turned her head to gaze out the window, an attempt to hide that stubborn tear that would not leave.

  “Is he staying for the funeral?” I was grasping at straws but even a glimpse of Ben across a sea of mourners would be enough.

  “No. I told him not to. He was only hanging round out of a sense of duty. It’s you he should be with.”

  “Do you think he’ll come back?”

  Lucy shrugged but her eyes narrowed as she looked at me. “Are you asking for me or for you?”

  How could I answer? We both knew I wanted Ben. I tried to move on but all I could think of was him. Even when I was in Andrew’s arms, I imagined it was him.

  We sat in silence for some time, then Lucy took my cold hand and held it in her own.

  “I was sorry about you and Ben. I know I’ve never said it but I didn’t know what to say… seeing as how it was my fault. Again. Are you coping okay?”’