Heart of Glass

by Dale, Lindy

  “Hey,” he said, slipping his arms around my waist, floating me closer, as my arms and legs wrapped around him. His hands wandered into the triangle of my bikini top and my stomach lurched in that now familiar sensation of desire. “I didn’t realise how much I’ve missed you until now.”

  My smile was timid as I pushed wet strands of hair from my forehead. His mere closeness was sending me into a spin. “I missed you, too. Christmas was horrid without you.”

  Ben squeezed me tighter and I clung to him, moving myself against his torso. His voice was thick with emotion. “That bikini is a dangerous creation, it shows way too much of your body… not that I’m complaining.”

  “Mum bought it for my birthday.”

  “She obviously had no idea. I could be locked up for what I’m thinking.”

  Sinking down under his grasp, I swam to the side of the pool, pulling myself out of the water and into the sun. He did it every time. I didn’t know if I was a girl or a woman when he was around.

  “Out you get Teddy,” I smiled. “I have to give you your present.”

  Ben climbed out of the water and threw himself onto the towel beside me. “Are you avoiding me? Or was that little game some new torture strategy you’ve devised to send me crazy?”

  “Don’t be silly.”

  Delving into my backpack, I pulled out a brightly coloured package, tied with a gold ribbon.

  “I hope you like it.”

  “What is it?”

  “Well, that’s a dumb question. It’s a Christmas present, silly.”

  He shook the gift but it made no sound so he tossed the ribbon aside and ripped the paper open. His brow furrowed as he studied the soft fur of the toy cat.

  “I hope you don’t think it’s too girly but you keep calling me Pussycat, so I bought it for you to cuddle when you can’t have me….” I bit the corner of my lip. “You don’t like it do you?”

  He began to laugh. “I love it.”

  “Then what’s so funny?”

  “Just wait till you see your present.”

  My present turned out to be a teddy, a blonde furry teddy wearing a navy t-shirt like the one Ben so often favoured. It was a sign. We were meant to be together.

  ***

  Later on, the gang organised a game of “spotlight.” It was a tradition to play after dinner, when the adults were indulging in red wine.

  “You’re kidding aren’t you?” Ben said, looking disgusted when I told him of the plan. “I’m only doing this so we can be alone. So you’d better find us a good hiding place.”

  I winked and motioned him to follow. There was no doubt our hiding place would be the best. The very thought of being alone in the dark with Ben was enough to spur me on.

  We tiptoed past Sally, who was in charge of the spotlight first and down to the rocky area where the creek mouth meandered into the ocean and down onto the beach. The current there was fast, and the waves had pounded relentlessly onto the shore during the day, causing a sudden dip in the sand. It was the perfect place to hide. Lying on our stomachs, we held our breath, waiting for the ideal moment when it would be safe to race across the sand to home base.

  “It’s a beautiful night,” I whispered.

  Ben’s arm crept around my shoulders as his body moved closer. “Yes, it is.”

  We’d been trying to be alone for days but more and more I found we were being interrupted or watched. It was as if the adults were taking turns to keep an eye out.

  “Let’s forget the game; I don’t want to play anymore. I want to play with you.”

  My lips curved to a smile, and rolling over on top of him, I put them to his. He had the softest lips. “We’ll have to watch when everyone else goes back home or Mum will be after us.”

  “I don’t know if I can manage that. It’s hard to concentrate on two things at once.” His hands had crept inside my big fluffy jumper, untying the bikini top, as his lips played against the lobe of my ear.

  “Why, what else are you doing?”

  “I’m trying to seduce you, if you’d shut up for a minute. God, you talk a lot.”

  “You could always find something else for me to do.”

  He needed no further encouragement. His lips were on mine, his hands probing. Travelling the silky journey along my body and into my bikini bottoms, he continued to tease. He could sense my arousal building, as he slipped his finger inside me and deepened the kiss.

  “Please Bella, please,” he begged. “Let me make love to you. This is torture.”

  “No,” I panted. “Not here.”

  “Why not? I know you’ll like it. It feels so much better than this.” He looked along the length of my body and into my eyes as his head went down between my legs, his tongue propelling me into an ecstasy I could not explain. He tempted me, inviting me to take the next step, demonstrating the pleasure available but never quite pushing me over the edge.

  “Come on,” he whispered. “I want to feel you moan.”

  Was he deaf? I was sure I was already moaning already. I grabbed at his shoulders, my body writhing. “God Ben, stop. I can’t take any more.”

  “Let go. Enjoy it. Let me make love to you. I know you want to.”

  He licked again, teasing me with his tongue and finger.

  “Oh God. Please, Ben please, stop.”

  “Not until you beg. Not until you say yes.”

  But it was too late. I’d found the peak of ecstasy in a way I never knew existed.

  Frustrated but not defeated, Ben wrapped me in his arms, allowing me time to regain my senses, before he launched the second assault. First, he went for the pleasure angle.

  “Did you enjoy that?”

  “You know I did. You know exactly what to do but I don’t want to have sex here.”

  He toyed with my emotions. “You won’t get pregnant, I won’t let it happen, I promise. Why won’t you trust me?”

  “I do trust you.”

  Finally, he went for the jugular. “If you really loved me you’d let me do it.”

  It was a low blow but I was ready. “I do love you, but I don’t want to do it on the beach.”

  “You can’t keep doing this to me Bella, it’s not fair.”

  “I don’t know what else I can do.”

  Decisively, his eyes never leaving mine, he unzipped his fly, took my hand and placed it inside his pants. “Yes, you do, we’ve talked about it. If you won’t let me make love to you, then this is the least you can do. I’m not getting any pleasure any more. All I’m getting is frustrated.”

  I stared into his face, filled with emotion. I wanted to please him. He was right. Our relationship wasn’t strong enough to cope with me behaving like an infant all the time. It was only fair. Closing my eyes, moving lower, I willed myself to try to do as he asked but the nausea was churning inside me. I knew I was going to vomit. Swallowing, I inched towards him, my eyes pinched closed. Maybe if I didn’t look it wouldn’t be so bad.

  But it was. Even with my eyes squeezed tight, all I could see was Ben’s penis only centimetres from my face. Tears welled up. “Please don’t make me, Ben. Please. I can’t. I want to please you, I do but I can’t do it.”

  Ben’s face drained of colour. His eyes were as black as thunder. “I can’t take any more of this. You’re a tease. I used to think it was cute and sweet that you were naive, now I think you do it for fun. I don’t want to kiss. I want more. And if you won’t give it to me then leave me alone. I don’t want you.”

  I cringed. He was so angry. “Please don’t be mad at me. Let me try again.”

  “No.”

  Standing up, he adjusted his pants and began to walk back across the beach. His shoulders were rigid with tension and I rushed along behind him, ashamed of myself for such a weak display.

  “Ben,” I sobbed, close to hysterical. “Please don’t leave me. What about your promise?”

  He stopped in the sand and turned, sighing as if his heart would break too. “I know I made a promise, and I mea
nt it. I’ll never leave you… but this fucking holiday can’t be over soon enough.”

  ***

  I found him on the beach early the next morning. He was sitting on the sand watching the waves, his knees pulled up to his chest, his chin resting heavily on them. He looked pale, under his olive skin, and his eyes were rimmed with red. His face was confused and twisted with a torment that I had caused but it was no better for me. I sat down beside him, determined to make myself understood but the words would not come. Instead, my hand crept onto his knee.

  “I’m sorry.”

  Ben turned to look at me. He did not speak but his eyes were filled with a deep sorrow. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hold him but the constant pressure of wanting was the albatross on our shoulders. We were immobilized by it.

  “Please Ben, say something.”

  He stood, still silent and headed back towards the cottages; not noticing, or possibly ignoring, the broken girl he’d left at the shore.

  Chapter 12

  LOTTA LOVE

  It’s gonna take a lotta love

  To change the way things are

  Its gonna take a lotta love

  Or we wont get too far

  Neil Young

  The afternoon sun shone high in the sky. Sally and I were lying on the grass outside our cottage, sharing a coke. We were alone; Ben was standing at the corner between two of the cottages, leaning against a tree laughing with two of the older girls. He’d been there for some time but had made no move to speak to me. I hadn’t seen him all morning. He had gone to the beach and then disappeared, treating me like something unpleasant stuck on his shoe that he wanted to remove.

  “Have you and Ben had a fight?” Sally asked.

  “Not really. I don’t know.”

  “What happened? You’re usually all over each other like a rash.”

  “Long story.”

  “I have all afternoon.”

  I watched Ben from the corner of my eye. People were beginning to notice we were distant with each other. It was like purgatory, this waiting and wanting game, and the penance for my sin was to have him near but never to be close again.

  “What did you fight about?”

  “Sex.”

  “He must be really mad at you to ignore you for three days. Have you been having sex with him?”

  “No….but he’s putting pressure on me.”

  Sally nodded. “I know exactly how you feel, but believe me, if you do it just because he wants you to you’ll never forgive yourself. Don’t give in. Hold out until you’re ready. It might be that you never do it with Ben.”

  “But what if he dumps me?”

  “If he dumps you, he’s a bastard and you’ll be glad you never gave it to him.”

  I glanced over to where he stood. The girls were giggling, as he shared some joke, probably about how frigid I was, with them. I scowled. Now he was punishing me, trying to make me suffer.

  “Look at him. He’s ignored me for three days and now he’s talking to other girls. I’m his girlfriend.”

  “You wouldn’t think so from the way he’s behaving.”

  I glowered. This wasn’t right. I had invited Ben to the bay; he shouldn’t be talking to those girls. I could feel the jealousy spreading through my body, infecting my rational mind, as I watched Ben toying with his new friends, his body language oozing charm as only he could.

  “That’s it!”

  I sprang off my towel like a psychopathic Medusa, my hair flying around my face, already set in a tempestuous rage. Storming to the little group, I stopped in front of him, hands on hips, my anger a bubbling cauldron waiting to explode. And what did he do? He smirked.

  “I want to talk to you,” I said.

  “I can’t talk now, Bella. I’m busy. Maybe later.”

  “No. Not later, now,” I demanded, grabbing his hand and pulling him behind the cottage towards his tent.

  Alone, I pounced on him, eyes flashing. “How could you do that? If you want to break up why didn’t you just say so?”

  There was that smirk again, that smug ‘I-know-something-you-don’t-know’ smirk. “I didn’t say anything about breaking up. I was only talking. They’re nice girls. Why? Are you jealous, Pussycat?”

  “No. I’m angry. You did it on purpose to make me mad.”

  “Possibly. You look so cute when you’re angry, perhaps I should do it more often.”

  “It’s not a joke, don’t make fun of me.” And before I realised, my hand had made contact with Ben’s cheek in a stinging slap. “God, I despise you.”

  Ben put his hand to his cheek. It looked like it hurt. My hand was certainly tingling with pain. He stepped towards me, bridging the gap between us. Using his chest, he edged me towards his tent, his gaze taking my anger and consuming it.

  “You have no idea how much I want you right now,” he said. “Now get inside before I spank your pretty little bottom for hurting me like that.”

  “No. I won’t go anywhere with you. I hate you.”

  “Show me how much you hate me. Hit me again if it makes you feel better.”

  We reached the tent door and holding my wrists, he pushed me through. Fuelled by my anger, he grabbed my wrists and pulled me to him, his lips bruising mine. “Do you still hate me?”

  “Yes, now let me go.”

  “Not until you say you love me.”

  “No. Let me go.”

  He twisted my arms, pinioning them behind my body, trapping me. “It was a game. I wanted to show you how it feels when you play games with me.”

  “I still hate you.”

  He laughed and put my hand to his erection. “Come on. Do it. It’s only oral sex.”

  Excited, I kissed him hard as his hands raced over my body, fumbling to undo my top. There was something to be said for fighting and making up.

  ***

  The gritty sand of the beach stretched for ten kilometres to the north, ending in high cliffs peaked by a lighthouse, which was no longer manned, thanks to modern technology. In all the years I’d stayed at the bay, I’d had never been there. Why would I bother getting all puffed and sweaty without a good reason? Ben was a good reason. With the sun beaming down on the starkness of the cliffs and the white caps below dancing on the rocks, the lighthouse looked the perfect place for an adventure, a day exploring the countryside, or so Ben had told Mum before we set out.

  We packed a few supplies and set off early on our bikes with our destination sitting on the horizon. It should have been an easy ride along the coast, but with the wheels splashing water on our legs as we rode through the shallows, I soon began to wish the journey were over. The wind had whipped my hair into some sort of bird’s nest creation on top of my head. Grains of sand had lodged themselves in the damp spot on my chest and I was almost ready to start up a whine when Ben turned his bike towards a track between the sand dunes.

  “Where’re you going?”

  “Up this way,” he gestured.

  After a minute or so, we came to a wire boundary fence, on the other side was a field covered in knee length grass and wild flowers, an oasis of colour in a sea of sand. Throwing my bike to the ground, I scaled the fence and fell into the grass, my dishevelled appearance forgotten. “How did you find this place? It’s glorious.”

  “I stumbled across it when I went for a run yesterday morning. I knew you’d like it.”

  Feeling around my scalp and combing my hair with my fingers, I tried to make myself presentable. I opened my backpack and grabbed some water, hoping at least to diffuse the colour in my cheeks but the damage was already done. I looked like a ragdoll.

  Putting his bag on the ground, Ben pulled out the cassette player and turned it on. Then he lay beside me and stroked my hair to the mellowness Neil Young.

  “It’s gonna take a lotta love, to change the way things are….” he hummed, plucking wildflowers from around him, and tucking them into the matted strands behind my ear and around my forehead, creating a fairy garland to frame my face.<
br />
  “You look like a goddess,” he said, kissing each of my eyelids in turn.

  I lay motionless, enjoying the sensation his closeness created. His touch was so tender.

  “Bella?”

  “Mmm?”

  “I want to do it with you here, in the grass with the flowers in your hair and the sun shining on us.”

  Carried away by the romance of the moment and the love I saw in his eyes, I had to admit that I was tempted. I loved him; I wanted to be with him. But I remained uncertain, afraid. “I don’t know.”

  Ben put his hand gently on my back, caressing my skin. “You don’t have to be scared. It’ll be perfect.”

  Rolling into his back, he pulled me on top of him. My arms wound around his neck. I could feel his heart pounding beneath me, and the hardness of him pressing into my belly through my shorts.

  “I’ve waited so long. Please. I want you so much it hurts.”

  “I don’t know,” I replied.

  Among the mist of grasses, I felt the lyrics wash over me as Ben’s hands wound through my hair and tickled my skin. Lips and tongue tantalising, I pulled his t-shirt over his head, smothering his chest with kisses; his frame was strong and muscular, tanned by the sun. He was so hard to resist. Six months ago, I would have balked at his naked chest, and there I was openly engaging in the most erotic forms of torment.

  “Please,” he begged again.

  Looking into his eyes, I nodded.

  At last, I lay naked beneath him, my only adornment the flowers in my hair. I watched, subdued as Ben slipped his shorts off, and rolling over he took a condom from the backpack. Then he lay down beside me. “Nervous?”

  I nodded and he nuzzled against me, whispering words of yearning and affection, calming my fears. His body covered mine and he parted my legs as he continued to kiss and urge me on. “It might hurt a bit but only at first.”

  I was shaking. I could feel him easing into me. If only he would say he loved me, everything would be fine. “You won’t forget me when you go back to Melbourne, will you? This isn’t just sex is it?” Why didn’t he say it? Why couldn’t he ever say the words?