The Portable Mark Twain

by Mark Twain

  “Po’ little chap.”

  “But some says he got out and got away, and come to America.”

  “Dat’s good! But he’ll be pooty lonesome—dey ain’ no kings here, is dey, Huck?”

  “No.”

  “Den he cain’t git no situation. What he gwyne to do?”

  “Well, I don’t know. Some of them gets on the police, and some of them learns people how to talk French.”

  “Why, Huck, doan’ de French people talk de same way we does?”

  “No, Jim; you couldn’t understand a word they said—not a single word.”

  “Well, now, I be ding-busted! How do dat come?”

  “I don’t know; but it’s so. I got some of their jabber out of a book. Spose a man was to come to you and say Polly-voo-franzy— what would you think?”

  “I wouldn’ think nuff’n; I’d take en bust him over de head. Dat is, if he warn’t white. I wouldn’t ’low no nigger to call me dat.”

  “Shucks, it ain’t calling you anything. It’s only saying do you know how to talk French.”

  “Well, den, why couldn’t he say it?”

  “Why, he is a-saying it. That’s a Frenchman’s way of saying it.”

  “Well, it’s a blame’ ridicklous way, en I doan’ want to hear no mo’ ’bout it. Dey ain’ no sense in it.”

  “Looky here, Jim; does a cat talk like we do?”

  “No, a cat don’t.”

  “Well, does a cow?”

  “No, a cow don’t, nuther.”

  “Does a cat talk like a cow, or a cow talk like a cat?”

  “No, dey don’t.”

  “It’s natural and right for ’em to talk different from each other, ain’t it?”

  “’Course.”

  “And ain’t it natural and right for a cat and a cow to talk different from us?”

  “Why, mos’ sholy it is.”

  “Well, then, why ain’t it natural and right for a Frenchman to talk different from us? You answer me that.”

  “Is a cat a man, Huck?”

  “No.”

  “Well, den, dey ain’t no sense in a cat talkin’ like a man. Is a cow a man?—er is a cow a cat?”

  “No, she ain’t either of them.”

  “Well, den, she ain’t got no business to talk like either one er the yuther of ’em. Is a Frenchman a man?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, den! Dad blame it, why doan’ he talk like a man? You answer me dat!”

  I see it warn’t no use wasting words—you can’t learn a nigger to argue. So I quit.

  CHAPTER XV

  We judged that three nights more would fetch us to Cairo, at the bottom of Illinois, where the Ohio River comes in, and that was what we was after. We would sell the raft and get on a steamboat and go way up the Ohio amongst the free States, and then be out of trouble.

  Well, the second night a fog begun to come on, and we made for a tow-head to tie to, for it wouldn’t do to try to run in fog; but when I paddled ahead in the canoe, with the line, to make fast, there warn’t anything but little saplings to tie to. I passed the line around one of them right on the edge of the cut bank, but there was a stiff current, and the raft come booming down so lively she tore it out by the roots and away she went. I see the fog closing down, and it made me so sick and scared I couldn’t budge for most a half a minute it seemed to me—and then there warn’t no raft in sight; you couldn’t see twenty yards. I jumped into the canoe and run back to the stern and grabbed the paddle and set her back a stroke. But she didn’t come. I was in such a hurry I hadn’t untied her. I got up and tried to untie her, but I was so excited my hands shook so I couldn’t hardly do anything with them.

  As soon as I got started I took out after the raft, hot and heavy, right down the tow-head. That was all right as far as it went, but the tow-head warn’t sixty yards long, and the minute I flew by the foot of it I shot out into the solid white fog, and hadn’t no more idea which way I was going than a dead man.

  Thinks I, it won’t do to paddle; first I know I’ll run into the bank or a tow-head or something; I got to set still and float, and yet it’s mighty fidgety business to have to hold your hands still at such a time. I whooped and listened. Away down there, somewheres, I hears a small whoop, and up comes my spirits. I went tearing after it, listening sharp to hear it again. The next time it come, I see I warn’t heading for it but heading away to the right of it. And the next time, I was heading away to the left of it—and not gaining on it much, either, for I was flying around, this way and that and ’tother, but it was going straight ahead all the time.

  I did wish the fool would think to beat a tin pan, and beat it all the time, but he never did, and it was the still places between the whoops that was making the trouble for me. Well, I fought along, and directly I hears the whoop behind me. I was tangled good, now. That was somebody else’s whoop, or else I was turned around.

  I throwed the paddle down. I heard the whoop again; it was behind me yet, but in a different place; it kept coming, and kept changing its place, and I kept answering, till by-and-by it was in front of me again and I knowed the current had swung the canoe’s head down stream and I was all right, if that was Jim and not some other raftsman hollering. I couldn’t tell nothing about voices in a fog, for nothing don’t look natural nor sound natural in a fog.

  The whooping went on, and in about a minute I come a booming down on a cut bank with smoky ghosts of big trees on it, and the current throwed me off to the left and shot by, amongst a lot of snags that fairly roared, the current was tearing by them so swift.

  In another second or two it was solid white and still again. I set perfectly still, then, listening to my heart thump, and I reckon I didn’t draw a breath while it thumped a hundred.

  I just give up, then. I knowed what the matter was. That cut bank was an island, and Jim had gone down ’tother side of it. It warn’t no tow-head, that you could float by in ten minutes. It had the big timber of a regular island; it might be five or six mile long and more than a half a mile wide.

  I kept quiet, with my ears cocked, about fifteen minutes, I reckon. I was floating along, of course, four or five mile an hour; but you don’t ever think of that. No, you feel like you are laying dead still on the water; and if a little glimpse of a snag slips by, you don’t think to yourself how fast you’re going, but you catch your breath and think, my! how that snag’s tearing along. If you think it ain’t dismal and lonesome out in a fog that way, by yourself, in the night, you try it once—you’ll see.

  Next, for about a half an hour, I whoops now and then; at last I hears the answer a long ways off, and tries to follow it, but I couldn’t do it, and directly I judged I’d got into a nest of tow-heads, for I had little dim glimpses of them on both sides of me, sometimes just a narrow channel between; and some that I couldn’t see, I knowed was there, because I’d hear the wash of the current against the old dead brush and trash that hung over the banks. Well, I warn’t long losing the whoops, down amongst the tow-heads; and I only tried to chase them a little while, anyway, because it was worse than chasing a Jack-o-lantern. You never knowed a sound dodge around so, and swap places so quick and so much.

  I had to claw away from the bank pretty lively, four or five times, to keep from knocking the islands out of the river; and so I judged the raft must be butting into the bank every now and then, or else it would get further ahead and clear out of hearing—it was floating a little faster than what I was.

  Well, I seemed to be in the open river again, by-and-by, but I couldn’t hear no sign of a whoop nowheres. I reckoned Jim had fetched up on a snag, maybe, and it was all up with him. I was good and tired, so I laid down in the canoe and said I wouldn’t bother no more. I didn’t want to go to sleep, of course; but I was so sleepy I couldn’t help it; so I thought I would take just one little cat-nap.

  But I reckon it was more than a cat-nap, for when I waked up the stars was shining bright, the fog was all gone, and I was spinning down a big bend s
tern first. First I didn’t know where I was; I thought I was dreaming; and when things begun to come back to me, they seemed to come up dim out of last week.

  It was a monstrous big river here, with the tallest and the thickest kind of timber on both banks; just a solid wall, as well as I could see, by the stars. I looked away down stream, and seen a black speck on the water. I took out after it; but when I got to it it warn’t nothing but a couple of saw-logs made fast together. Then I see another speck, and chased that; then another, and this time I was right. It was the raft.

  When I got to it Jim was setting there with his head down between his knees, asleep, with his right arm hanging over the steering oar. The other oar was smashed off, and the raft was littered up with leaves and branches and dirt. So she’d had a rough time.

  I made fast and laid down under Jim’s nose on the raft, and begun to gap, and stretch my fists out against Jim, and says:

  “Hello, Jim, have I been asleep? Why didn’t you stir me up?”

  “Goodness gracious, is dat you, Huck? En you ain’ dead—you ain’ drownded—you’s back agin? It’s too good for true, honey, it’s too good for true. Lemme look at you, chile, lemme feel o’ you. No, you ain’ dead! you’s back agin,’ live en soun’, jis de same ole Huck—de same ole Huck, thanks to goodness!”

  “What’s the matter with you, Jim? You been a drinking?”

  “Drinkin’? Has I ben a drinkin’? Has I had a chance to be a drinkin’?”

  “Well, then, what makes you talk so wild?”

  “How does I talk wild?”

  “How? why, hain’t you been talking about my coming back, and all that stuff, as if I’d been gone away?”

  “Huck—Huck Finn, you look me in de eye; look me in de eye. Hain’t you ben gone away?”

  “Gone away? Why, what in the nation do you mean? I hain’t been gone anywheres. Where would I go?”

  “Well, looky here, boss, dey’s sumf’n wrong, dey is. Is I me, or who is I? Is I heah, or whah is I? Now dat’s what I wants to know?”

  “Well, I think you’re here, plain enough, but I think you’re a tangle-headed old fool, Jim.”

  “I is, is I? Well you answer me dis. Didn’t you tote out de line in de canoe, fer to make fas’ to de tow-head?”

  “No, I didn’t. What tow-head? I hain’t seen no tow-head.”

  “You hain’t seen no tow-head? Looky here—didn’t de line pull loose en de raf’ go a hummin’ down the river, en leave you en de canoe behine in de fog?”

  “What fog?”

  “Why de fog. De fog dat’s ben aroun’ all night. En didn’t you whoop, en didn’t I whoop, tell we got mix’ up in de islands en one un us got los’ en ’tother one was jis’ as good as los’, ’kase he didn’t know whah he wuz? En didn’t I bust up agin a lot er dem islands en have a turrible time en mos’ git drownded? Now ain’t dat so, boss—ain’t it so? You answer me dat.”

  “Well, this is too many for me, Jim. I hain’t seen no fog, nor no islands, nor no troubles, nor nothing. I been setting here talking with you all night till you went to sleep about ten minutes ago, and I reckon I done the same. You couldn’t a got drunk in that time, so of course you’ve been dreaming.”

  “Dad fetch it, how is I gwyne to dream all dat in ten minutes?”

  “Well, hang it all, you did dream it, because there didn’t any of it happen.”

  “But Huck, it’s all jis’ as plain to me as—”

  “It don’t make no difference how plain it is, there ain’t nothing in it. I know, because I’ve been here all the time.”

  Jim didn’t say nothing for about five minutes, but set there studying over it. Then he says:

  “Well, den, I reck’n I did dream it, Huck; but dog my cats ef it ain’t de powerfullest dream I ever see. En I hain’t ever had no dream b’fo’ dat’s tired me like dis one.”

  “Oh, well, that’s all right, because a dream does tire a body like everything, sometimes. But this one was a staving dream—tell me all about it, Jim.”

  So Jim went to work and told me the whole thing right through, just as it happened, only he painted it up considerable. Then he said he must start in and “’terpret” it, because it was sent for a warning. He said the first tow-head stood for a man that would try to do us some good, but the current was another man that would get us away from him. The whoops was warnings that would come to us every now and then, and if we didn’t try hard to make out to understand them they’d just take us into bad luck, ’stead of keeping us out of it. The lot of tow-heads was troubles we was going to get into with quarrelsome people and all kinds of mean folks, but if we minded our business and didn’t talk back and aggravate them, we would pull through and get out of the fog and into the big clear river, which was the free States, and wouldn’t have no more trouble.

  It had clouded up pretty dark just after I got onto the raft, but it was clearing up again, now.

  “Oh, well, that’s all interpreted well enough, as far as it goes, Jim,” I says; “but what does these things stand for?”

  It was the leaves and rubbish on the raft, and the smashed oar. You could see them first rate, now.

  Jim looked at the trash, and then looked at me, and back at the trash again. He had got the dream fixed so strong in his head that he couldn’t seem to shake it loose and get the facts back into its place again, right away. But when he did get the thing straightened around, he looked at me steady, without ever smiling, and says:

  “What do dey stan’ for? I’s gwyne to tell you. When I got all wore out wid work, en wid de callin’ for you, en went to sleep, my heart wuz mos’ broke bekase you wuz los’, en I didn’ k’yer no mo’ what become er me en de raf’. En when I wake up and fine you back agin’, all safe en soun’, de tears come en I could a got down on my knees en kiss’ yo’ foot I’s so thankful. En all you wuz thinkin ’bout wuz how you could make a fool uv ole Jim wid a lie. Dat truck dah is trash; en trash is what people is dat puts dirt on de head er dey fren’s an makes ’em ashamed.”

  Then he got up slow, and walked to the wigwam, and went in there, without saying anything but that. But that was enough. It made me feel so mean I could almost kissed his foot to get him to take it back.

  It was fifteen minutes before I could work myself up to go and humble myself to a nigger—but I done it, and I warn’t ever sorry for it afterwards, neither. I didn’t do him no more mean tricks, and I wouldn’t done that one if I’d a knowed it would make him feel that way.

  CHAPTER XVI

  We slept most all day, and started out at night, a little ways behind a monstrous long raft that was as long going by as a procession. She had four long sweeps at each end, so we judged she carried as many as thirty men, likely. She had five big wigwams aboard, wide apart, and an open camp fire in the middle, and a tall flag-pole at each end. There was a power of style about her. It amounted to something being a raftsman on such a craft as that.

  We went drifting down into a big bend, and the night clouded up and got hot. The river was very wide, and was walled with solid timber on both sides; you couldn’t see a break in it hardly ever, or a light. We talked about Cairo, and wondered whether we would know it when we got to it. I said likely we wouldn’t, because I had heard say there warn’t but about a dozen houses there, and if they didn’t happen to have them lit up, how was we going to know we was passing a town? Jim said if the two rivers joined together there, that would show. But I said maybe we might think we was passing the foot of an island and coming into the same old river again. That disturbed Jim—and me too. So the question was, what to do? I said, paddle ashore the first time a light showed, and tell them pap was behind, coming along with a trading-scow, and was a green hand at the business, and wanted to know how far it was to Cairo. Jim thought it was a good idea, so we took a smoke on it and waited.

  [But you know a young person can’t wait very well when he is impatient to find a thing out. We talked it over, and by and by Jim said it was such a black night, now, that it wou
ld n’t be no risk to swim down to the big raft and crawl aboard and listen, —they would talk about Cairo, because they would be calculating to go ashore there for a spree, maybe, or anyway they would send boats ashore to buy whiskey or fresh meat or something. Jim had a wonderful level head, for a nigger: he could most always start a good plan when you wanted one.

  I stood up and shook my rags off and jumped into the river, and struck out for the raft’s light. By and by, when I got down nearly to her, I eased up and went slow and cautious. But everything was all right—nobody at the sweeps. So I swum down along the raft till I was most abreast the camp fire in the middle, then I crawled aboard and inched along and got in amongst some bundles of shingles on the weather side of the fire. There was thirteen men there—they was the watch on deck of course. And a mighty rough-looking lot, too. They had a jug, and tin cups, and they kept the jug moving. One man was singing—roaring, you may say; and it was n’t a nice song—for a parlor anyway. He roared through his nose, and strung out the last word of every line very long. When he was done they all fetched a kind of Injun war-whoop and then another was sung: It begun:—

  “There was a woman in our towdn,

  In our towdn did dwed’l (dwell,)

  She loved her husband dear-i-lee,

  But another man twyste as wed’l.

  Singing too, riloo, riloo, riloo,

  Ri-too, riloo, rilay - - - e,

  She loved her husband dear-i-lee,

  But another man twyste as wed’l.”

  And so on—fourteen verses. It was kind of poor, and when he was going to start on the next verse one of them said it was the tune the old cow died on; and another one said, “Oh, give us a rest.” And another one told him to take a walk. They made fun of him till he got mad and jumped up and begun to cuss the crowd, and said he could lam any thief in the lot.