The Portable Mark Twain

by Mark Twain

  By the laws of my Club there can be only one Member in each country, and there can be no male Member but myself. Some day I may admit males, but I don’t know—they are capricious and inharmonious, and their ways provoke me a good deal. It is a matter which the Club shall decide.

  I have made four appointments in the past three or four months: You as Member for France, a young Highland girl as Member for Scotland, a Mohammedan girl as Member for Bengal, and a dear and bright young niece of mine as Member for the United States—for I do not represent a country myself, but am merely Member at Large for the Human Race.

  You must not try to resign, for the laws of the Club do not allow that. You must console yourself by remembering that you are in the best of company; that nobody knows of your membership except myself—that no Member knows another’s name, but only her country; that no taxes are levied and no meetings held (but how dearly I should like to attend one!).

  One of my Members is a Princess of a royal house, another is the daughter of a village book-seller on the continent of Europe. For the only qualification for Membership is intellect and the spirit of good will; other distinctions, hereditary or acquired, do not count.

  May I send you the Constitution and Laws of the Club? I shall be so pleased if I may. It is a document which one of my daughters typewrites for me when I need one for a new Member, and she would give her eyebrows to know what it is all about, but I strangle her curiosity by saying: “There are much cheaper typewriters than you are, my dear, and if you try to pry into the sacred mysteries of this Club one of your prosperities will perish sure.”

  My favorite? It is “Joan of Arc.” My next is “Huckleberry Finn,” but the family’s next is “The Prince and the Pauper.” (Yes, you are right—I am a moralist in disguise; it gets me into heaps of trouble when I go thrashing around in political questions.)

  I wish you every good fortune and happiness and I thank you so much for your letter.

  Sincerely yours,

  S. L. CLEMENS

  To Robert Fulton, in Reno, Nevada:

  IN THE MOUNTAINS,

  MAY 24, 1905.

  DEAR MR. FULTON,—I remember, as if it were yesterday, that when I disembarked from the overland stage in front of the Ormsby in Carson City in August, 1861, I was not expecting to be asked to come again. I was tired, discouraged, white with alkali dust, and did not know anybody; and if you had said then, “Cheer up, desolate stranger, don’t be down-hearted—pass on, and come again in 1905,” you cannot think how grateful I would have been and how gladly I would have closed the contract. Although I was not expecting to be invited, I was watching out for it, and was hurt and disappointed when you started to ask me and changed it to, “How soon are you going away?”

  But you have made it all right, now, the wound is closed. And so I thank you sincerely for the invitation; and with you, all Reno, and if I were a few years younger I would accept it, and promptly. I would go. I would let somebody else do the oration, but, as for me, I would talk—just talk. I would renew my youth; and talk—and talk—and talk—and have the time of my life! I would march the unforgotten and unforgettable antiques by, and name their names, and give them reverent Hail-and-farewell as they passed: Goodman, McCarthy, Gillis, Curry, Baldwin, Winters, Howard, Nye, Stewart; Neely Johnson, Hal Clayton, North, Root,—and my brother, upon whom be peace!—and then the desperadoes, who make life a joy and the “Slaughterhouse” a precious possession: Sam Brown, Farmer Pete, Bill Mayfield, Six-fingered Jake, Jack Williams and the rest of the crimson discipleship—and so on and so on. Believe me, I would start a resurrection it would do you more good to look at than the next one will, if you go on the way you are doing now.

  Those were the days!—those old ones. They will come no more. Youth will come no more. They were so full to the brim with the wine of life; there have been no others like them. It chokes me up to think of them. Would you like me to come out there and cry? It would not beseem my white head.

  Good-bye. I drink to you all. Have a good time—and take an old man’s blessing.

  MARK TWAIN

  Biographical List of Correspondents

  Burrough, Jacob H. (1825-1883). Clemens’s friend from the time they roomed together in St. Louis, 1854-55. He was impressed by Burrough’s wide reading and literary judgment. Burrough later became a lawyer and judge in Cape Girardeau, Missouri.

  Clemens, Jane (1803-1890). Born Jane Lampton, she married John Marshall Clemens in 1823. Besides Samuel, she was the mother of six other children. After the death of her husband, she depended on the support of her three surviving children, and Samuel Clemens continued to provide for her financial welfare until her death.

  Clemens, Orion (1825-1897). Oldest of Clemens’s siblings, Orion was, among other things, an editor, farmer, lawyer, and the secretary for the Nevada Territory. Sam Clemens often became exasperated with his brother, for he was something of a dreamer who never quite succeeded at anything in life.

  Crane, Susan (1836-1924). She was the oldest sister of Olivia Langdon Clemens. She had been adopted by the Langdons after the death of her parents. The Clemens family spent their summers from 1870 to 1903 with Susan and Theodore Crane at Quarry Farm, on a hill overlooking Elmira, New York.

  Downing, Major “Jack” (1834-1914). Downing was a riverboat pilot for over twenty years. He was also an accomplished violinist. Clemens and Downing wrote one another from time to time after they left the River.

  Fulton, Robert (no dates available). Fulton was involved in Republican politics and served as a Nevada delegate to the national convention in 1890. Apparently he was one of the organizers for some sort of pioneers’ reunion to be held in California.

  Gilder, Jeannette (1849-1916). Gilder was an editor and critic and the sister of Richard Watson Gilder, the editor of Century Magazine. Among other books, she coedited Authors at Home: Personal and Biographical Sketches of Well-known American Writers, which included a section on Twain.

  Howells, William Dean (1837-1920). Prolific novelist and influential critic, Howells was the chief sponsor of the literary school known as American realism. He was the editor of the Atlantic Monthly for some fifteen years before moving from Boston to New York, where he began writing “The Editor’s Study” columns for Harper’s Monthly Magazine. From the time Howells and Clemens first met in 1869 until the latter’s death in 1910, they were the closest of friends and maintained a more or less constant correspondence during those forty years. Howells had favorably reviewed many of Twain’s books, urged him to write for the Atlantic, read his manuscripts, and otherwise helped and promoted Twain’s career. After Twain’s death, Howells published an affectionate and astute memoir of the man, My Mark Twain (1910).

  Lang, Andrew (1844-1912). An influential English literary critic and respected man of letters, Lang shared with Twain an interest in Joan of Arc and other subjects. He published “The Art of Mark Twain” in the Illustrated London News and was otherwise helpful in promoting Twain’s reputation abroad.

  Moffett, Pamela Clemens (1827-1904). The only surviving daughter of the Clemens family, she was widowed in 1865. She shared a home with her mother in St. Louis, and later in Fredonia, New York.

  Nichols, Frank (no dates available). Nichols was only the titular recipient of this letter. As Secretary of the Concord, Massachusetts, Free Trade Club, he had informed Twain that this club had just made the writer an honorary member. The timing was deliberate, for the Concord public library had just recently banned Huckleberry Finn and the gesture was meant as something of a counterstatement to that decision. Clemens’s letter was intended to be made public, and it was released to the press soon after it was sent.

  Picard, Helene (no dates available). Clemens apparently never met this young woman, but he “elected” her as the French representative of his “Aquarium Club,” a club of his own making composed entirely of young girls he called “Angelfish.” Nineteen letters from Twain to Picard are extant.

  Twichell, Joseph H. (1838-1918). Afte
r W. D. Howells, probably Clemens’s closest friend. He was a pastor of the Asylum Hill Congregational Church in Hartford, Connecticut, which the Clemens family attended regularly. Twichell had an earthy sense of humor and appreciated much, if not all, of Clemens’s comedy and at least tolerated Clemens’s supposed irreverence. Twichell was the model for the character “Harris” in A Tramp Abroad.

  READ MORE MARK TWAIN IN PENGUIN CLASSICS

  “All modern American literature comes from one book by

  Mark Twain called Huckleberry Finn.”—Ernest Hemingway

  The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

  Introduction by John Seelye and Notes by Guy Cardwell

  A novel of immeasurable richness, filled with adventures, ironies, and wonderfully drawn characters, all conveyed with Twain’s mastery of humor and language, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is often regarded as the masterpiece of American literature. ISBN 0-14-243717-4

  The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

  Introduction by John Seelye

  Evoking life in a small Mississippi River town, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer is Twain’s hymn to the secure and fantastic world of boyhood and adventure. ISBN 0-14-039083-9

  A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court

  Edited with an Introduction by Justin Kaplan

  This imaginary confrontation of a nineteenth-century American with life in sixth-century England is both a rich, extravagant comedy and an apocalyptic vision of terrifying violence and destruction. ISBN 0-14-043064-4

  The Innocents Abroad

  Introduction by Tom Quirk and Notes by Guy Cardwell

  These irreverent writings on travel in Europe are a burlesque of the sentimental travel books popular in the mid-nineteenth century and launched Twain’s career. Bringing his fresh and humorous perspective to bear on hallowed European landmarks, Twain ultimately concludes that, for better or worse, “human nature is very much the same all over the world.”

  ISBN 0-14-243708-5

  Life on the Mississippi

  Introduction by James M. Cox

  Twain’s firsthand portrait of the steamboat age and the science of riverboat piloting recalls the history of the Mississippi River, from its discovery by Europeans to the writer’s own time. ISBN 0-14-039050-2

  The Prince and the Pauper

  Introduction by Jerry Griswold

  This 1881 novel about a poor boy, Tom Canty, who exchanges identities with Edward Tudor, the prince of England, is at once an adventure story, a fantasy of timeless appeal, and an intriguing example of the author’s abiding preoccupation with separating the true from the false, the genuine from the imposter. Included is the story “A Boy’s Adventure,” written as part of the novel but published separately. ISBN 0-14-043669-3

  Pudd’nhead Wilson

  Edited with an Introduction by Malcolm Bradbury

  While it retains the comic exuberance of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, this is Twain’s darker and more disturbing account of human nature under slavery. ISBN 0-14-043040-7

  Roughing It

  Edited with an Introduction by Hamlin Hill

  A fascinating picture of the American frontier emerges from Twain’s fictionalized recollections of his experiences prospecting for gold, speculating in timber, and writing for a succession of small Western newspapers during the 1860s. ISBN 0-14-039010-3

  Tales, Speeches, Essays, and Sketches

  Edited with an Introduction by Tom Quirk

  Masterful short fiction and prose pieces display the variety of Twain’s imaginative invention, his diverse talents, and his extraordinary emotional range. The volume includes “Jim Smiley and His Jumping Frog,” “The Man That Corrupted Hadleyberg,” “Fenimore Cooper’s Literary Offenses,” and the spectacularly scatological “Date, 1601.” ISBN 0-14-043417-8

  A Tramp Abroad

  Introduction by Robert Gray Bruce and Hamlin Hill

  Cast in the form of a walking tour through Germany, Switzerland, France, and Italy, A Tramp Abroad sparkles with the author’s shrewd observations and highly opinionated comments on Old World culture, and showcases his unparalleled ability to integrate humorous sketches, autobiographical tidbits, and historical anecdotes in consistently entertaining narrative.

  ISBN 0-14-043608-1

  The Gilded Age with Charles Dudley Warner

  Introduction and Notes by Louis J. Budd

  With his characteristic wit and perception, Mark Twain and his collaborator, Charles Dudley Warner, attack the greed, lust, and naïveté of their own time in a work that endures as one of America’s most important satirical novels.

  “Our best political novel . . . To understand America, read Mark Twain.”—Gary Wills

  ISBN 0-14-043920-X

  1 I measure all lakes by Tahoe, partly because I am far more familiar with it than with any other, and partly because I have such a high admiration for it and such a world of pleasant recollections of it, that it is very nearly impossible for me to speak of lakes and not mention it.

  2 Hannibal, Missouri.

  3 It may not be necessary, but still it can do no harm to explain that “inside” means between the snag and the shore.—M.T. †Two fathoms. Quarter twain is 2¼ fathoms, 13½ feet. Mark three is three fathoms.

  4 “Partner” is technical for “the other pilot.”

  5 “Teach” is not in the river vocabulary.

  6 It was always my impression that that was what the horse was there for, and I know that it was also the impression of at least one other of the command, for we talked about it at the time, and admired the military ingenuity of the device; but when I was out West three years ago I was told by Mr. A. G. Fuqua, a member of our company, that the horse was his, that the leaving him tied at the door was a matter of mere forgetfulness, and that to attribute it to intelligent invention was to give him quite too much credit. In support of his position, he called my attention to the suggestive fact that the artifice was not employed again. I had not thought of that before.

  7 “Rebels!” Mumble that funny word—don’t let the Person catch it distinctly.

  8 100,000 acres.