Panties for Sale

by York, Mattie

  I quit high school. School was hard. I didn’t like it. I didn’t fit in. I didn’t have a boyfriend. And the girls my age were just dumb. They only wanted to talk about clothes and kissing the dumb boys. Man, if they knew what I was doing at night, maybe even with their fathers. I didn’t have to look too far or furious for my boyfriends. My dad’s friend took care of that. He put the word out. Soon I had a few sugar daddies that liked to touch me in the back seat of their car. I didn’t want to work as a waitress. What a waste of time. My father never even knew. They didn’t come over for his pot. Not really. Sure they smoked with him. But he was so stoned he never knew. And my mother never cared.

  So I guess, my second defining moment was that god awful client. That story I tell new girls that no one knows if it is true or not. Yes, it’s the god damned truth. I can’t make shit like that up. That stupid prick raped me. Out of the blue. Scared the shit out of me. I had never even been hit before. I was so naïve. I had heard stories, but I thought it wouldn’t happen to me. Why? I was a nice person. I never hurt anyone. I was just giving pleasure.

  Yes, that bastard scared me and hurt me. Bad. I still have nightmares about that. And sure, that’s why I started my own company. Makes for a good story. But that all took time. I had to get over that. I quit escorting for a long time. A long time I didn’t get out of bed. And then I tried to get another job. As a waitress. As an office girl. A secretary. That life was hard. And I barely made enough for rent.

  I tried to go on welfare. That was fucking humiliating. I couldn’t believe it. But my rent was too expensive. Dumb government bitch said if I wanted to go on welfare, I’d have to move in with a roommate and cut my expenses in half. Damnit. I tried so hard to be straight. I did. I was terrified to go back to that life.

  But then I got transferred. Cause I bitched so much, I got transferred to the welfare supervisor. And that man, that bloody welfare counselor, he thought I was cute. Lucky me, right? He told me I was nuts looking for welfare. He said I could make a lot of money under the table. Told me he could help me. Said he knew a good place for me to go. All I had to do was to show him what I could do. Yeah. Oh man, sleazy men are everywhere. Just because I was pretty. And ok, maybe I had my shirt unbuttoned a bit. Can I help it if I have godamn hot tits? Damn pervert couldn’t keep his eyes off of them. I thought they might help me get more money from welfare. Not that.

  And so I paused. And I thought about it. Now, this man was gross. Sleazy. And I could just imagine where he would be taking me and what I would have to do for his help. And I thought. Is this it? This the road available to girls? This is shit. No one is looking out for anyone. No one gives a damn. And why would I trust one other person? No, if that was it, if this is my path, then so help me, I’ll do it myself.

  I met Dora that day. That exact day. It was funny really. She was in the welfare office too. And she was waiting to meet that creep. And when she saw me come out of his office. I must have looked like hell. I can’t remember but I think I was crying. And she followed me. Walked out of the office and took me to Tim Hortons. I don’t why she did that but she sat me down and I told her everything. Smart woman that Dora. She said I had a good head on my shoulders. And I was hot as hell. And she said, if I wanted to make it work, she would help me. She said she already knew a few girls that were looking for good work too, that were pretty enough and they were on welfare. And she knew she could find some more. And that was that. So then, is meeting Dora my last defining moment? My rock. My god damned brick wall. Really that lady is the best. Really, she is my best friend. And we share the same vision. To make life easier for girls who don’t want to be screwed by the system. Using our girl power right? Go whores!

  I guess, one might think that my third moment should be my marriage. Aging escort finds true love on the job. But I wasn’t fooling myself. I knew it wasn’t true love. He was a nice man. But he cried at my first appointment with him. He just lay there and cried in my arms. So, I guess I tried to help him. Right? Be that mother- love. Channeling in the whores of old. Whatever. My life didn’t change much. No, he made this nice office up here. Well, no at first this was our bedroom. Our little oasis. Hot tub, sun room, bed in the middle with the mirror on the ceiling. Yeah. That didn’t last long. But it’s a great idea. And it makes for a damn fine office. I can even use the bed for photo shoots. So it’s perfect. Funny, my bedroom design lasted longer than my god damned marriage.

  No, I think my third moment, is going to have to be going to this therapist. This crazy ass therapist. Luann. She has changed my life. I can’t believe it. Wouldn’t have believed it. But just making me sit and write this shit down. To go through my life and to see what matters and what doesn’t. It’s a revelation. And to realize that what I am doing is actually worth something. And that I’m ok. No. I am more than ok. I’m goddamned bloody wonderful!

  43

  “Where are we going?”

  “Patience, my darling,” Joseph kissed Alex on the cheek. “So, what do you think?” he asked, as they drove through the intersection of Yonge and Bloor. “Do you like this area?”

  “Of course! This is heart of the city, why?”

  The car turned down a one way street and onto a cobbled driveway. It circled around once and then stopped in front of tall glass doors; the entrance to The Arbors, a very expensive, very exclusive apartment complex. Joseph waited as the driver put the car into park, then he got out and opened the back door. He took Alex’s hand, wrapping it around his arm and led her into the main lobby. Alex didn’t have much time to look around as Joseph whisked her through to the elevator, but what she did see; crystal chandeliers hanging from the high ceilings, a marble floor covered in rich Turkish rugs, iron statues of winged archers and urns overflowing with fragrant fresh cut flowers, was very impressive.

  The elevator rose swiftly and silently. Within seconds, the doors swung open onto the 10th floor. Joseph led the way down a dimly lit hall like an excited 10 year old; walking quickly ahead and then turning around, his eyes twinkling mischievously as he watched to make sure she was following behind. Finally, Joseph stopped at 1005, pulled out a key and opened the heavy chestnut door. Alex’s footsteps echoed on the highly polished hardwood floors as she stepped into the empty apartment. She walked down a narrow hall into a large open room. Two of the walls were bare and the other two housed huge picture windows showing sprawling views of the tree tops and rooftops of Rosedale and the Don Valley Ravine.

  “So, what do you think?”

  “It’s nice,” Alex was puzzled. “Are you moving here?”

  “No,” Joseph brushed her hair away from the back her neck and kissed her softly.

  “So then, darling,” Alex turned and wrapped her arms around Joseph’s neck, “why are we here?” Joseph looked into her eyes but hesitated. Alex was surprised. He was always so confident. Joseph smiled shyly then buried his face on her shoulder. “You are,” he whispered.

  “What?” Alex wasn’t sure she heard correctly. “Did you say I am?”

  “Well, I was thinking about it, about you,” he picked out a strand of her hair and twirled around his fingers. “I think about you all the time and,” he pulled her closer, “I want you, all the time, to myself. I don’t want you to work. I don’t want you to be an escort.”

  “You don’t want to pay for me anymore?”

  “No,” Joseph shook his head, “it’s not about the money. Really, I don’t care. Already, I don’t pay for you all the time. No, I want you to be happy and comfortable and not have to worry about money,” he looked around the empty room. “I found this apartment and I bought it for you. I will decorate it, you can decorate it, I don’t care. Just live here, with me, and we can be together all the time.” Joseph picked up her hands, and clasped them to his heart. “Alexandria, you are so important to me and I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. And I don’t want to share you.” His eyes darkened. “I never want to share you again.”

  “Here,” he handed her an en
velope, “this is yours.” Inside was a set of keys and a credit card with her name on it. Was he serious? Could she really live here, in this beautiful apartment? And quit escorting? And she would have Joseph? All to herself? Was she dreaming? She couldn’t be dreaming. She could never have dreamt anything so wonderful, so completely perfect.

  “Come,” Joseph took her by the hand. He led her through the apartment, showing her the living room with the fireplace, where they could hang a huge flat screen TV, the sunroom, the huge balcony, with room for potted trees and lounge chairs for long lazy Sunday brunches, a deluxe bbq for summer dinner parties, a kitchen with marble counter tops and all new stainless steel appliances and white tiled floors, the master bedroom big enough for a king sized bed with a window looking out over the treetops of Rosedale, the two walk-in closets, one for each of them and the new master bathroom with matching sinks, a stand up shower and a garden tub with a Jacuzzi.

  “And all this is for me?”

  “Of course,” Joseph laughed and pulled Alex close to him. “This is all for you! Oh Alexandria,” he cried, spinning her around in his arms, “we will be so happy. Say you will stay here and be mine. Say you will stop this silly job and be mine forever.”

  Forever! He just said forever! Alex’s head was spinning. She looked at Joseph, his eyes were so open and honest. In that moment, Alex realized how vulnerable he had become to her. He was serious. He really wanted her, to live with him, to be with him. He loved her! Even if he didn’t say it, he really did. He didn’t have to say it. Alex could read it in his eyes. She had never felt her heart beat so strong. It took her breath away. All she wanted to do was to curl up into a small ball and crawl inside his arms, wrapped up safe and secure in the warmth of his heart.

  But then her stomach dropped and she couldn’t breathe. He’s going to know everything about me, she realized. He’s going to be around all the time. Can I trust him? Will he really look after me? Will it be ok? So many emotions in one second, Alex felt like her heart would surely burst, right then, right there, sending a million tiny pieces exploding out through her chest.

  Alex reached down and unbuttoned her dress, letting it fall off her shoulders. She didn’t speak. No words were necessary.

  Joseph’s eyes flickered first with relief and then hunger. In one swift movement, Joseph reached out, grabbed Alex and pulled her to him, wrapping her up in his arms. Together they dropped to the floor, electricity surging through their bodies, tingling, burning, scorching each other until they screamed out, surrendering to the ecstasy. Never had Alex felt so open or vulnerable, yet so protected and connected with anyone. Joseph and Alex christened their new apartment over and over again that day.

  44

  “Hai, yes, no, it’s right. Please Dora, double book my days, as many as you can. Domo. Thank you.” Chieko hung up the phone and sighed.

  Seeing John again walking through the Eaton Centre, wrapped around that awful girl had made Chieko feel what? Angry. Cheap. Replaceable. Discarded. She wasn’t sure, every minute brought on a new emotion. She was exhausted. She hadn’t eaten. She hadn’t slept. Her body was buzzing, still shaking in shock. Was it shock though? Why should she be shocked? Of course, he was man, he would have to find another girl to leech off of. Men can’t stay alone for a day.

  Why did she care? She didn’t want to care anymore. He was gone. If he had meant anything he would have come back. He would have tried to make it work. How dare he? How dare he treat her like that? He had promised that he would take care of her. “Damé. And now, here I am, forgotten,” Chieko shook her head and stared at the wall. What made her so easy so discard?

  This had all been a horrible mistake; a mistake to come to Canada, a mistake to leave her life, her training, her family, the only life she knew, to follow John.

  She had spent the last few months trying to convince herself to move on. She forced herself to get up, get out, make money, start a new life. But her heart. There was her heart still hoping that he would come back for her. That John would somehow find her and come back. Tell her he was sorry, that he missed her, he needed her.

  He had saved her once. He had. He had taken her away from Tokyo. Maiko training was her parent’s dream, not hers. He told her she had to follow her own dreams. He made her feel like her dreams counted.

  “We can do it together, isshoni” John had said, sitting squeezed beside Chieko on a wooden bench in a small isakaya in Shibuya. “Chieko-chan,” he said making Chieko giggle with his accent. “You and me, tanomu, kite. Come on, I’m leaving tomorrow night. I bought you a ticket. You have to come. How can you start your own life if you keep doing what your parents want? It’s your life Chieko-chan.”

  “I know, John. I know. But I can’t.” Chieko had said. She took another sip of her beer. She was already late for curfew but this time she didn’t care. “It’s not the Japan way,” Chieko tried to explain. “My parents will be disgraced. Watashi no oba-chan ga sinumae ni tore-ning no arenji wo sitekureta. (My grandmother arranged my training for me just before she died).” She wished she knew the English words to explain. “I am sorry, but I cannot.”

  “Chieko, listen to me. Do you really what to be a geisha? To wear those baka kimonos and dress up for baka gaijin who just want you to pose and look pretty? To have tourists follow you and people point and laugh at you? You told me you hated it.” John took Chieko’s hand. “You hate it, the practice, the studying. I know you have a mind, Chieko. Chikusho, you’re smart! Kimiwa tokubetudayo.(You are special) You could go to university, you can be a journalist, write for a newspaper, magazine, you can do anything you want. You have talent Chieko. You could do something important with your life. What can you do as a Geisha?”

  “John,” Chieko paused and looked up at his big pleading eyes. She didn’t want him to leave her all alone in Tokyo. “What will I do in Toronto?”

  John smiled, “Whatever you want! We’ll get an apartment right near the university. You’ll love it! You can study English then take Journalism courses at the University. I’ll help you. Yakusoku suru. (I promise)”

  “But how? What will you do?” Chieko knew, if she left with John her parents would never help her again.

  “I’ll get a job,” John had promised. “I am a teacher. Bokuwa senseida. I can teach anywhere. Plus, I have enough money, if that is what you are worried about. Please Chieko, come with me. I don’t want to live without you. I can’t. I love you. Aishiteru.”

  They had talked about it so many times before. John was always talking about taking her away to Toronto. He would teach English and they would live in a small apartment with a view of the lake. And on sunny days, they could walk through the park with ice cream and sit on the edge of the lake.

  “Toronto has a big lake,” John would tell her, knowing how much she loved the lake in Ueno park, “so big you can’t even see the other side. You can go swimming or in a sail boat, but no swan boats.” It had never been real, she knew that. It was all talk, late night fantasies. So why did it all change? Why on that night, did it become real?

  “Damé” Chieko shouted into the quiet air. How could she be so stupid! Why didn’t she stop and think, just for a second before she slid silently down the drain pipe? Before she ran all the way to Shibuya station, straight into John’s waiting arms, not stopping once, not even to look back at her ochiya. “Not even to think,” Chieko muttered to herself. “How could I have been so stupid? I threw it all away.”

  “Am I doing it again?” Chieko wondered aloud. “Is that what I am doing? Am I looking for someone else to save me? Carl Roberts to fall in love with me and whisk me off to a nice clean house with a white picket fence?” She laughed aloud at that thought. Ok, maybe not Carl. And not Jay. No, she was not doing it again. She wasn’t going to fall for fairy tales again. “No,” Chieko said firmly. “If anyone is going to save me again, it will be me. I’ll save myself.”

  She rested her elbows on the table and stared up at the gray sky out through the tiny kitchen window.
It was the only thing Chieko liked about her kitchen. If she leaned against the glass at the right angle on a clear day she could actually see the bright blue waters of Lake Ontario.

  She reached for her tea cup and took out the small strainer of tea leaves, placing it on the up-turned lid then lifted the cup up to her lips. She sighed. Perfectly brewed, warm sencha green tea always soothed her. She got up and grabbed a box of Oreos from the cupboard. Why was she craving junk food? This can’t continue, she reprimanded herself as she sat down and dunked a cookie into her tea, popping it whole into her mouth.

  Luckily, the bleeding had been nothing. So there was one less thing to stress about. Chieko grabbed another Oreo cookie and broke it in half, licking the white creamy center. That doctor was weird though, Chieko thought. He looked a lot like Carl Roberts with his red face fluctuating from light pink to dark crimson. “Getting a little too rambunctious with the new hubby, eh?” The doctor had joked with Chieko after her examination.

  She had told him she was married. Why had she done that? She wasn’t. But that’s why she was bleeding? Because of sex? Not just sex, she clarified. Random horrible rough sex with men she didn’t know who didn’t give a damn about her. No, it couldn’t continue. Seeing John had snapped her out of it. Something had to change. Two months. That’s all she could do. 8 weeks. That was manageable. She could be an escort for 8 more weeks. She would make as much money as she could. Then get the hell out.

  Chieko grabbed another cookie, popped it into her mouth, and then picked up her pen.

  Honourable Father and Mother, she wrote.

  I am sorry.

  “Nei Nei,” she crossed it out. She took a sip of tea, closed her eyes and leaned back in her chair. The phone rang making Chieko jump.

  “Chieko, darling,” Angela sounded worried, “are you ok? How are you? No, now, don’t worry. None of your clients have complained, au contraire, you are a very popular dish! It’s just me, honey. I’m worried about you and your health. How was the doctor’s appointment?”