Diary of a Wimpy Vampire

by Tim Collins

  When I asked Mum why Dad behaved like this, she said that he was a different vampire back then, and would often drink too much blood and show off. She says that he’s changed now, and everyone should just leave us alone.

  No wonder Dad was so embarrassed when he was giving me that talk about safe feeding. It’s clearly not advice he’s followed! I wonder how many other disgruntled vampires are lurking around waiting to get revenge?

  6PM

  Chloe popped round again after school, courageously breaking the terms of her grounding once more. I asked her if she would join me in exile if I lost, and she said she’d have to find out about the local schools first to check she could still do Business Studies, English Literature and Psychology for A Level. At least this shows she’s been thinking seriously about the possibility.

  She looked upset as she said goodbye. But this is what happens when you date a dangerous supernatural being. If she wanted a mundane suburban life, she should have stuck with Wayne.

  12AM

  I must say I’m somewhat concerned by all this talk about Dad transforming humans by mistake in the past. I hope I wasn’t an accident!

  SATURDAY 25TH JUNE

  I’m feeling nervous about tonight’s duel now. Part of me just wants to surrender and take my exile, but 100 years is a long time. Imagine all the computer games I’ll miss if Mr Jenkins sends me somewhere with no electricity. They’ll be onto the PlayStation 40 by the time I’m back.

  Dad has given me a leather holster with a solid gold stake in it. It feels unwieldy, but Dad says it’s part of the vampire duel tradition. To make your opponent formally concede, you must pin him down and hold the stake over his heart. They used to give you genuine wooden ones, but they were outlawed by the Vampire Council’s Health and Safety Division in 1881.

  When I strapped on the holster it made me realize how serious all of this is. Mr Jenkins has had full control of his vampire powers for 200 years, while I’ve only had a week to get the hang of mine. Let’s just say that if the Vampire Council’s Gambling Division was still going, they wouldn’t be offering very good odds on me.

  SUNDAY 26TH JUNE

  I went down to the park with Mum and Dad an hour early to warm up for the duel. Mr Jenkins turned up just before twelve, looking smug and confident.

  I was ready to start straight away, but it turns out that vampire duels are stuffy and formal occasions. As I stood facing Mr Jenkins, my dad unfurled a large scroll and read out the 137 rules of vampire conflict set out by the Vampire Council in 1717. It was really boring and I stopped concentrating after a while, so I’ve no idea what exactly I agreed to.

  By the time the duel itself started it was almost 1am, and I’d lost a lot of the energy I’d been building up. Mr Jenkins didn’t waste any time, launching with a quick jab that broke my nose. Dad had taught me how to block these, but I didn’t remember in time. I backed away to give my nose a chance to mend, and Mr Jenkins came forward with a flying kick that knocked me to the floor and cracked two of my ribs.

  Although I managed to get up pretty quickly, I found it hard to summon the same ferocity of attack as last week. I think this was partly because I’d started to feel sorry for Mr Jenkins since Mum had told me about Dad’s mistreatment of him. I wish Mum had waited until after the duel to tell me there were two sides to the story.

  Nonetheless, I landed a couple of solid blows on Mr Jenkins. He retaliated with a fast kick, but I swung out of his way. I was beginning to feel my strength and speed picking up now, and was able to match anything Mr Jenkins offered, but every time I made a move, he blocked it. Instead, I retreated, and Mr Jenkins did the same.

  We both waited, and then we both charged. I tried to strike Mr Jenkins with one of the roundhouse kicks I’d been practising, but I misjudged the move and he pulled me down to the floor. I struggled about, but couldn’t get free of his grasp. He then pulled his ceremonial stake out of his backpack and ordered me to surrender.

  Just as I was about to formally concede, though, I summoned my last ounce of energy and a strange image came into my mind. I saw a leaf, then an acorn and then the bark of a tree. I felt like I was running down a tree and then through huge blades of grass towards the silhouette of a man holding a large stake. I felt the weight lift from my body, and when my sight was clear again, Mr Jenkins was writhing around on the floor, covered in vicious squirrels!

  I got to my feet and realized that my chance had come. I put my foot on Mr Jenkins’ neck and held my stake over him. I asked him if he surrendered, and he said that I’d broken the rules by failing to declare my powers of animal mind control. I told him that I’d never done it before, so I could hardly be expected to declare it. After a few more grumbles he gave in. The squirrels scurried back up the trees.

  When Mr Jenkins asked for the terms of his exile, I didn’t have the heart to go through with my equator plan. I sent him to Alaska, which has always been a popular destination with vampires, and my only condition was that he didn’t look for employment as a PE teacher. I saw no reason to make future generations endure what I’ve had to.

  Mum said that I’d showed compassion worthy of the ancient vampire nobility and the best animal control she’d seen for decades. She hasn’t been this proud of me since I passed Grade 8 Piano.

  I rang Chloe to tell her that I had won, and she was overjoyed, although she had to whisper, because she isn’t supposed to use her mobile after ten.

  MONDAY 27TH JUNE

  I went back to school today. In assembly the headmaster announced that Mr Jenkins had quit his job with immediate effect due to a ‘family emergency’. I looked at Chloe and smiled, but we couldn’t say a word about what’s really happened over the last few days.

  I feel really good after my victory. I no longer think of myself as boring old Nigel Mullet, but Nigel of Stockfield, master of vampire martial arts and animal mind control. And very tough to beat on Mario Kart.

  TUESDAY 28TH JUNE

  Sarah from the popular gang passed a note round in Maths today saying that she fancies me. At first I thought it was a wind-up, but when I glanced across at her, she blushed and looked away. Chloe ripped the note up when she saw it. I hope it made her realize what a catch she has!

  This evening I looked at my face in the mirror to see if any vampire attractiveness has appeared. Something must have changed since the girls from the popular gang gave me four out of ten for looks, but I can’t see what.

  WEDNESDAY 29TH JUNE

  Thanks to the exile of Mr Jenkins, we had a supply teacher called Mr Moss for PE today. I didn’t bother with any excuses, as I actually want to do PE now I’ve got my vampire speed and strength. Obviously, I’d give myself away if I used them too much, but I can still switch them on just enough to be the best in the class.

  In the gym, everyone was shocked at how easily I jumped over the vaulting horse and climbed up the ropes. I even went right to the top of the climbing frame and saw the gap where I ripped out the pole in my first conflict with Mr Jenkins. Nobody seems to have noticed it yet.

  At the end of the lesson, Mr Moss said that I should join a gymnastics club! After all the shocks I’ve suffered over the past few weeks, this has to be the biggest yet - a PE teacher I actually like.

  THURSDAY 30TH JUNE

  This morning Craig stuck a pound coin to the floor with superglue as a practical joke. He was waiting a few feet away and jeering at anyone who tried to pick it up. When I attempted to lift the coin, I uprooted the whole paving slab it was glued to. I must be more careful about keeping my vampire strength under wraps.

  This afternoon I found out that two more girls from the popular gang fancy me! At first I was worried that someone might have told them I’m a vampire, but there’s no way they can know. Perhaps I’m developing supernatural beauty. Or perhaps I’m just making more eye contact now. I don’t know. It’s all very confusing.

  I remembered my vow to get revenge on the girls from the popular gang if they ever started fancying me, but I
couldn’t really be bothered. I have no interest in their shallow little world now.

  FRIDAY 1ST JULY

  I had fun playing around with my animal mind control power today. I looked at the neighbour’s cat from my bedroom window and concentrated on it until I could see the world through its eyes. Cats must get so bored of looking at everything in black and white.

  I made it jump up a tree, roll over on its back and then stroke its head with its paw before I let it go. It gave me a really dirty look and then dashed away before I could control it again.

  SATURDAY 2ND JULY

  Chloe’s grounding has finished now, so we went to the countryside to test out my powers. We found a nice deserted spot, and Chloe set me a series of challenges. First, I scaled a cliff face and jumped down again. Then I threw a huge rock across a river. My next challenge was to go through an entire forest without letting my feet touch the ground, but I fell down and broke my ankle, and we had to wait for it to heal.

  When it was better, she set me a challenge to see how high in the air I could jump, but after a while I got worried that someone would see me from the road so I stopped.

  SUNDAY 3RD JULY

  7AM

  Dad has agreed to drive me to the zoo today. I have some payback planned for all the animals that tried to ruin my life on the school trip.

  6PM

  I had fun on my trip to the zoo today, and I’d like to think I made the experience more enjoyable for all the other visitors.

  As soon as the animals saw me they started to freak out, just as they did last time. They soon went quiet when they realized what I had in store for them, though. I stared right into the eyes of a meerkat that was standing guard on top of its enclosure. I got inside its mind and made it wobble from side to side as if it was drunk, and then fall flat on its back. Everyone around the cage started filming it on their phones so I made it do the same thing over and over again.

  I left the meerkat and entered the mind of an orangutan, which I made pull some funny expressions and fall off a tyre. As I stalked around the zoo, I made a baby elephant sneeze, a gorilla moonwalk and a giraffe pull a branch with its mouth so that it flew right back in its face.

  This is what you get for messing with me, animal kingdom. I condemn you to the humiliation of becoming a cute Internet clip. Now you’re the ones everyone is laughing at.

  MONDAY 4TH JULY

  I was feeling brave today so I came right out and asked Chloe if she was ready to take our relationship to the next level and let me drink her blood. She seemed quite shocked at first, but she became more open to the idea once I explained to her that if I drink just a little bit it won’t do her any harm.

  Obviously, if I get greedy and drink loads, she’ll be ill for a couple of days, but I didn’t tell her that because I’m sure I’ve got the willpower to hold back.

  Chloe said that she trusts me, but she doesn’t feel ready just yet.

  TUESDAY 5TH JULY

  I asked Dad for a thousand pounds to buy Chloe a diamond pendant, but he came out with the same old tripe about us drawing attention to ourselves if we spend too much. I don’t know why he can’t make an exception for something as important as this.

  In the end he gave me twenty pounds and I bought Chloe a bat-shaped pendant from the goth shop. She was very pleased with it, and let me fasten it around her neck. I thought she might be so overwhelmed by my generosity that she would let me have a feed, but no such luck.

  I don’t mind, though. I can be patient.

  WEDNESDAY 6TH JULY

  We played football in PE today and I scored four goals. I could have scored a fifth, but I was scared of revealing my powers, so I struck it wide.

  THURSDAY 7TH JULY

  I’m trying to find a new hobby to take my mind off the frustration of waiting for Chloe to let me drink her blood. So far I’ve attempted gardening, juggling and learning about dinosaurs, but none of them helped me stop thinking about how sweet it would be to dip my fangs into her neck. But I will be strong. Allowing a vampire to feed on you is a big step for any human to make, and I must be sensitive to that.

  I’m sure Chloe will agree soon, but in the meantime I’ll just have to suck it up. Or rather, not suck it up.

  FRIDAY 8TH JULY

  I went out for a run tonight. I only intended to go as far as the park, but I got really in the zone and when I stopped I was surprised to find myself at the seaside. I must be careful not to run past any speed cameras. The last thing I want is grainy footage of me dashing around at fifty miles an hour turning up on the Internet.

  SATURDAY 9TH JULY

  I tried to write a poem today, but I have to admit it’s not up to my usual standard.

  LET US WANDER TOGETHER

  Let us wander together

    Through endless night

      Surveying the world

        By pale moonlight

          Then you will let me

            Sip your blood

              It will be really nice

                It will be really good

  I’m especially disappointed by the ending, but I couldn’t think of anything else. How strange that all the time I was in despair, great art was flowing from pen, but now that I’ve found contentment, this is the best I can do.

  I don’t really care, though. If misery is the price you have to pay for genius, count me out. Let someone else take on the responsibility of being the greatest poet of a generation.

  SUNDAY 10TH JULY

  Chloe came round today and I practised my mesmerism skills on her. It’s quite tricky, but I think I’m getting the hang of it. I can now give Chloe just enough hypnosis so that she comes round again after a couple of minutes.

  Now that I’m getting this skill under control, I’m pretty much ready to go with the blood-drinking.

  I won’t put any pressure on Chloe to let me do it because I’m a gentleman. I really hope she lets me soon, though!

  MONDAY 11TH JULY

  Went to school today. Then went for walk with Chloe. Then came home and had type AB+ blood for dinner.

  TUESDAY 12TH JULY

  Quite sunny today. Chloe came round after school.

  FRIDAY 22ND JULY

  This is my first diary entry for a while, and I think it will also be my last.

  The summer holidays start today and now I’ve finally got my vampire powers, I’d rather be outside enjoying myself than moping around in here.

  Also, Chloe says she’s ready to let me drink her blood, and I don’t think it would be gentlemanly of me to write down anything about that, even in a secret diary.

  I’ve had another look through Dad’s leaflet about safe feeding, and I’m going to check myself thoroughly for cuts first, so there’s no danger I’ll accidentally transform Chloe.

  She told me recently that she wouldn’t mind if she did turn into a vampire. She said that I’m one and I seem to be enjoying myself. And she’s right, I have been enjoying myself recently, I really have.

  But I still wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. The first 100 years were terrible.

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Title

  Copyright

  Acknowledgements

  January

  Februrary

  March

  April

  May

  June

  July