Coffee and Cockpits

by Jade Hart

  My shoulders curved, rolling to protect the emptiness in my chest. She was right. I couldn’t even remember reading the instruments on our descent, or doing any number of things that were so ingrained into my psyche. I couldn’t remember a damn thing.

  Nina’s eyes burned into me, bright, glassy with tears and pity. I didn’t want her pity.

  I shrivelled inside. My entire life was gone.

  Alea interrupted my rapid descent into wallowing. “Liam, your brain is intact. In time your memories might return. There is no reason to suggest you will never remember. Don’t put too much stress on your system. Just like I tell amnesia patients, your brain is working, even as we speak, to remember.” She sucked in a breath. “I must install positivity in you, just as I must warn you there is an eighty percent chance you will never remember. Based on similar cases such as yours, the swelling of the brain tissue can sometimes have permanent results. If, in the case your memory doesn’t return, you can always relearn your skills. There is no weakness in having to take a step back to go forward.”

  My eyes blazed with anger. What did she know? Did she find her soul mate in a coma and then wake up to find she could no longer deliver on the promises made? I promised Nina a man who would support and care for her. A man who wanted to whisk her off and open a business together. I’d broken every promise I made the moment my eyes opened. I was worthless and refused to let Nina be dragged into my broken world.

  “I need to be alone,” I mumbled, before lurching upright.

  “Liam. No. Let me help you. Calm down, we can figure this out. Together.”

  I shuffled to the door. My limbs were zombified, not willing to move after being inert for twenty-two days, but I forced them away from Nina’s sad voice and down the yellow corridor. I didn’t know where I was going. All I wanted was somewhere I could think. Somewhere I could indulge in self-pity and get a handle on my new reality.

  Who cared if there was a twenty percent chance my condition wasn’t permanent? My hands curled. They were crap odds. Basically, I was royally screwed.

  Charlotte would hate me for being so weak. I had no right to be confused and upset. If I pulled myself up and accepted I was lucky to be alive, I could focus on what I needed to do to fix myself.

  Instead, as I shuffled creakily through the cheery yellow hospital, I swiped at the burning sensation in my eyes. I wasn’t crying. I wasn’t that much of a sap.

  God, Liam. It’s not the end of the world.

  Guilt crushed me. I wasn’t dead. Anderson and Samantha were. Anderson left behind three kids and a wife of twenty-six years. I didn’t know Samantha’s family, but I knew they’d suffer her loss.

  I shouldn’t wallow in something as trivial as lost memories. I was alive. I’d won the woman in my dreams. I’m a medical miracle.

  The stagnant island air welcomed me as I stumbled out the back door. I couldn’t go any further and slithered down the wall, collapsing in a heap. My pulse was erratic, not used to so much exercise. The uncomfortable concrete bit my naked ass, and only then did I notice I was in a gown with my balls hanging free. I hated these fucking things.

  I sat there for who knows how long, staring at the late afternoon sun. The gardens were slightly overgrown. Maybe staff ate lunch here, or brought patients for a walk in the shabby grass oval, sheltered by banana leaves and trees.

  I stifled a groan as Joslyn appeared, her neck craned, looking for me. I crunched into a smaller huddle, hoping she’d go away. I couldn’t deal with her right now. I meant what I said—I needed to be alone—to grieve, comprehend, and put myself back together again.

  She spotted me. She waved and hobbled over on her crutches.

  “Everyone’s looking for you, Liam. You need to come back inside. You need to rest.” She reclined against the wall and slid to puddle awkwardly beside me. One knee bent, with the other straight out in its cast. It was bare plaster, no scribbles or get well wishes. Had she been here on her own for almost a month watching me wither away in a coma? Why didn’t she go home to family? Shit, my family! They must be so anxious to know I was okay.

  I flinched as she placed her hand on my forearm. Every extremity was off, as if my skin wasn’t used to being touched. Which I supposed was true. My mind skipped back to touching Nina in my dreams. I knew so much about her…. But had only shared brief caresses since awaking in reality. God, this was so messed up.

  “I’ve called our two sets of parents. They came over when the crash first happened. But they couldn’t stay away from work any longer.” She smiled. “They’re ecstatic to hear you’ve woken up. They wanted to come and see you, but I said we’d catch up when we go home. Hope that’s okay?”

  That was more than okay. It wasn’t easy having divorced parents who hated each other, not to mention working such high-powered jobs as airport CEO and aeronautical lawyer. When I was younger, I hated their work stole so much time, but at the same time, they were the ones who stopped me from getting a criminal record for Charlotte’s death. Which I still didn’t deserve. I needed to pay for my sins and they swept it under the runway, never to be mentioned again.

  “I’m glad you kept them in the loop. Thanks, Tree.”

  Joslyn sighed, watching me with compassion. “Is it true? What Nina told me? That you can’t remember how to fly?”

  I groaned at the sharp pain in my head. My brain injury taking that exact moment to remind me I had yet to investigate what lurked beneath my bandage. As much as I wanted to deny it—scream that it wasn’t true—I nodded. “Yes.”

  “Liam, I’m so sorry.” She rested her head on my shoulder. “You can overcome this. Sometimes memories come back. If they don’t, you can study again. I’m sure you won’t have to sit all the exams. You’ll remember parts of it.”

  “Even with an eighty percent chance I won’t?” I squeezed my eyes closed.

  “You’ve never let life get you down before. Don’t start now.”

  I knew she referenced Charlotte, and the guilt came for never telling her the full truth. I nudged her shoulder. “I know once I stop feeling sorry for myself, I can relearn. But that’s not all I’m struggling with.”’

  “Is it your feelings for Nina? The doctor told me. She tried to make me understand while you were asleep. She badgered me to tell her about your medical history, see if there was anything in our family that would explain your synchronized brain waves.”

  I didn’t think there was anything in my family’s history to make me fall in love and create a dream-world with Nina. My affection for her found a way to bring us closer, even when our bodies were incapacitated. And that’s what made it so hard. I’d fought so much to win her, to be worthy.

  “It feels as if everything I do, everything I want, is jerked out of my grasp at the last minute. My life is jinxed, almost as if I don’t deserve it.” Because I was the imbecile who, in a roundabout way, killed his sister. Perhaps I deserved my fate. It was my karma to think life was giving me a break, when it was just teasing me. “I’m cursed.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Don’t say things like that. You’re not cursed.” We sat in silence for a moment while Joslyn curbed her outburst. Finally, she sighed. “Did something happen in your coma with Nina? What would make you say a thing like that?”

  I changed the subject. “You were there, too, you know? Just as annoying. Just as meddling.”

  “Really? Cool. I remember having a vivid dream about sunbaking with Nina and talking about her falling in love with you, but not much else. I guess I wasn’t out of it as much as you guys.”

  My heart jerked, recalling how Nina panicked on the beach, just before we traded paradise for hell. I’d terrified her by moving too fast. Just the thought of flying side by side in Tahiti, living in some open air pavilion, and eating fruit and fresh seafood gave me more chills than Christmas morning as a child. I wanted it so bad. And she wanted to go slow. Now it didn’t matter. My dreams were shattered.

  Sucking in a breath, I whispered, “I was going to quit K
iwi Air. I was going to start my own company and move to French Polynesia.”

  Joslyn jolted. “Wow, where did that come from? You say it like you’ve been thinking about it for a while.”

  I shrugged. My head disapproved, screaming in protest. “I have. Since I got my license.”

  Joslyn stared off into the distance. “And you told Nina this?”

  I hung my head. “Yep. It didn’t go as well as I hoped. She was scared.”

  She patted my arm. “She’ll come around. Everything will be better soon, you’ll see.”

  I didn’t know how it would be. I had years of study in front of me again. I’d lost my job, my dream… possibly the woman I fell in love with. Worse, I lost my sense of self. I wasn’t me without my wings. I had nothing to offer. I’d be a cripple while I healed and a student with yet more debt. Even if Nina did want to work it out, in reality, I couldn’t let her shackle herself to a guy with no prospects.

  The crash stole more lives than the passengers, Anderson, and Sam. It stole mine.

  My eyes darted across the gardens, and I sucked in a painful breath. “What’s he doing here?”

  Joslyn followed my eyes. “He’s been popping in the last few weeks. He’s been really worried about you two.”

  I bet Nikolai was worried about Nina. It made no sense why he was in our coma. Taunting me, trying to steal Nina away.

  He spied us, determination in his eyes as he headed in our direction.

  “Help me up,” I muttered to Jos. No way did I want to be on my naked ass for this conversation.

  Joslyn tried to get to her feet, but couldn’t manage with her cast.

  Nikolai jogged the last few metres, and held out his hand to Jos with a small smile. “Here, let me help.”

  She gave him a shy look, but placed her palm in his. Nik pulled gently, then helped stabilize her.

  “Thanks,” she muttered, once standing.

  Hating that Nikolai was saving the day, I scowled as he passed me one of Jos’s crutches. I was the flipping equivalent of a broken thing.

  Nikolai shoved hands in his blue aviation overalls as I hauled myself to my feet. Did he come from the hanger? Was the investigation still on going? What really happened in the crash? How bad had it been?

  “Mikin. It’s good to see you’re alive. It was a bit hairy for a while.”

  I nodded, not knowing what to say. The Nikolai from my coma kept trying to weave with the one standing in front of me, and I couldn’t decipher between what happened and what didn’t. This Nikolai hadn’t apologised for stealing Charlotte’s life. Nor was he likely to.

  He looked at the grass then shot Joslyn a smile. “Glad to hear your leg is on the mend.”

  She nodded reservedly. “Thanks. How’s the investigation going?”

  Nikolai shrugged. “Still on. It’s gonna take a while to bag all the remains and evidence. Slowly getting there.” He stopped and pierced me with hazel eyes. “Mikin, I need to talk to you.” His gaze flickered to Joslyn and back to me.

  Shit, was this really going to happen? Did I somehow mind-warp him into doing this? Some freaky higher sense? I struggled to combat the queasiness in my brain. Joslyn didn’t know what happened to Charlotte. I didn’t want her to know.

  “Jos, will you go find Nina. Make sure she’s okay?”

  She smiled and pecked my cheek. “Sure. Don’t be too long, or I’ll track you down.”

  Watching her go, I was struck with the end of my life as I knew it. Nothing would be the same again. Everything I held valuable in my life was ruined.

  I turned my attention to Nik. “Say what you want to, Rivers.”

  He sighed, gathering his thoughts. “When I got the report I was to head an investigation on a downed aircraft in Samoa, I didn’t know you were on board. The moment I did, I rushed to the hospital. You looked awful lying there. You looked dead.” He chocked, clearing his throat. “There’s a lot of mess between us, Liam, but seeing you like that? It hurt. My childhood friend was mangled. You looked so much like Charlotte when she died. And I knew I’d never rest till I could finally apologise like I should’ve all those years ago.” His eyes blazed. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, and I’m not asking for that, but I want you to know how sorry I am.”

  My chest deflated. How could I tell him he’d apologised twice? My mind made him do it. I’d already had closure. My eyes widened. Crap, for the first time I didn’t think of Nik with furious hatred and shame. I have closure, after ten years. It was freeing, and compassion filled me. It was time to grant him the same peace. This time it was for him.

  I reached out, offering my hand. “I accept your apology.”

  Nik blinked, his mouth gaping open. “You sure you’re coherent, Mikin? I was expecting you to bite my head off.”

  A tight grin pulled my lips. “Thought about it, but it wasn’t entirely your fault. I need to let it go.” I broke the handshake and leaned against the wall. My head pounded. I needed to lie down, but no way in hell was I going back in that hospital. I couldn’t handle the pity looks; the knowledge my career was over. I couldn’t risk seeing Nina. I’d break down and wouldn’t be strong enough to do what I needed to. As much as I wanted to run in there—alright, hobble—and crawl into bed with her and try and return to our dream-world, I needed to fix myself. And I couldn’t have her there to see me struggle.

  A sudden thought struck me. “There is something you can do for me, though.”

  “Anything. Name your price.”

  Refusing to think how betrayed Nina would feel, I muttered, “Get me off this stinking island. I need to leave.” I couldn’t be around Nina or Jos while I got my head around my new future. I refused to let them see me as an invalid. I wanted Nina. I hadn’t given up on what we shared. It wasn’t in my capabilities to walk away from her forever, but I wasn’t the man I wanted to be right now.

  I was calling a timeout. Was it weak of me to bolt? Probably. But ultimately I was doing it for my future with Nina. My self-pity party was over.

  Time for hard work and a reboot.

  And I needed to do it on my own.

  Six hours.

  Six unbelievably long hours I’d sat like a good little girl in my bed, subjected to a triage of doctors, needles, tests, and questions. Joslyn came to see me a while ago, saying Liam was getting some fresh air. I missed him. I knew he needed space to deal with everything, but I wanted to be there for him. And at the same time I needed him to be there for me. I didn’t want him to think he was alone. Who cared if he didn’t know how to fly anymore? He could relearn. What mattered was he was alive, and we shared the same experiences. We loved each other. That would be enough to help him through the rough future. Wouldn’t it?

  The door to my room opened and my heart stopped beating.

  “What are you doing here?” I couldn’t work out if I knew this man, or if he was a complete stranger from Sydney. Our entire interaction in real life was a plane ride and a dance. Not the subconscious kiss or sad confession over dinner. The two ideals in my head wouldn’t align.

  I narrowed my eyes as Nikolai walked tentatively toward my bed.

  If I looked hard enough there were differences about him. His skin was slightly more weathered in real life, his hair a little shorter. It seemed odd, but it was as if I looked at two versions—the coma one being a few years younger. Was that Liam’s doing?

  Nikolai stopped at the foot of my bed, shooting me a shy smile. “I’m glad you’re awake.”

  Awkwardness stole my words. Forcing myself to stop staring, I mumbled again, “What are you doing here?”

  “I was called in to work on the crash investigation. Engineer, remember?” He pointed at his chest. “I told you in Sydney?”

  Crap, so I’d somehow threaded reality with fiction? How did I know he would be working the crash in my dream? Why was he here? We were effectively strangers, despite me knowing a lot of his past.

  We stared at each other till Nikolai coughed. “I’m here on an errand for
Liam.”

  I blinked. He was running messages? Since when? They didn’t get along. Not in the world I’d been living in for the past few days, or was it weeks?

  “What sort of errand?” My voice wavered. Somehow my gut already knew. He’d left. The moment he realized he couldn’t fly, I knew it would be too much for him. The open skies were his Prozac—his salvation to all the other crap in his life. If he couldn’t fly, he couldn’t cope. No, don’t tell me. I didn’t want to know if I was right.

  Nikolai came to the side of the bed, and took my hand.

  My flesh was cooler than his; it was odd touching him.

  “He wanted me to get it exactly right.” He frowned. “Let’s see if I remember word for word. He said he had to leave. He can’t deal with the knowledge he doesn’t have a career. He doesn’t want to burden you by not being the man you fell in love with.” His face twitched, and with his free hand he pulled a scrap piece of paper from his back pocket.

  “This is for you.”

  I took it with fumbling fingers.

  Nina,

  I know you must think I’m a coward for running, but it’s all I can do to keep my sanity.

  This isn’t goodbye.

  Everything we shared in dream-paradise is real in my mind, and I’m coming back for you. But only when I’m whole again—when I deserve you and not before.

  I love you. I’ll find you.

  Liam.

  My body shook. He’d left. After everything we’d been through together, he upped and left. I hated that I was right. Tears crushed my eyeballs, hot and heavy. Bastard. Didn’t he think I needed him for my own sanity? What about what I wanted? He was the only one who could remind me I hadn’t gone nuts. That everything I lived and felt was real not imaginary.

  Terror filled me at the thought that everything we experienced might fade into some residual dream… disappearing into a void, never to be found again. Dammit, he’d sentenced us to fail before we’d even begun. My chest squeezed tighter, leaving me no oxygen. “He left me,” I whispered.