An Outlaw Valentine

by Kathryn Kelly

  “Of course not,” Kendall answered. “Johnnie and I have the type of relationship where I made the offer out of love. Because he loves and respects me, he turned me down.”

  “You poor thing,” Fee said with a mischievous laugh. “There’s nothing like getting hammered in the ass and the pussy. When Stretch and Cash fuck me at the same time, I almost lose my mind from the ecstasy.”

  “Roxy, has Knox ever wanted to fuck you in the ass?” Kendall asked.

  “Kendall!” Bailey cried. “I’d prefer not to hear about what Knox and my mother do in bed.”

  “You’re so anal, Bailey,” Kendall tittered. “If you don’t want to hear about Knox and your mom, what about you and Mortician? Did I ever tell you he wanted to sleep with me at one time, then he realized Johnnie was interested in me and backed away.”

  Bailey choked, then plastered a smile on her face. “No, I’ve never heard this story.”

  “He had to undress me...OW!” Kendall cried when Roxy twisted her ear.

  “Shut your goddamn fucking mouth, girl,” she ordered. “Mortician’s your friend. Don’t try to fuck with his wife, my daughter.”

  “I’m not trying to be mean,” Kendall said. “I’m making conversation. Girl talk.”

  “This isn’t how you do it, stupid bitch,” Zoann growled.

  “I have more brains than you’ll ever dream of having, Zoann,” Kendall said flatly.

  Before things got out of hand, Meggie intervened. “Why don’t we start tasting the food, ladies?”

  Zoann and Kendall both glowered at Meggie, who pretended not to notice as she ran down everything she thought they’d need for the ball. “A caterer. A decorator, photographer, and a cake. Invitations. Music. Champagne…” Her voice trailed off and she rested her chin in her hand. “This sounds like fun, but it seems so pretentious, doesn’t it? If we give something at the club, we can cook and the guys can drink beer and…it’ll be much more normal.”

  “Why do you want normal?” Kendall asked with a shrug, her earlier aggravation completely gone. “You’re reaching a milestone. You should want to celebrate it big.”

  “It amazes me, but I actually agree with Kendall,” Zoann said. “She’s right, baby. Besides, Christopher will understand.”

  “Yeah, Meggie,” Fee said. “It’s all up to you. If you want the ball, then we all get to dress up like princesses for an evening with our Prince Charmings.”

  Prince Charming. What an excellent way to describe her husband. He might not fit the image of a Disney-style knight-in-shining-armor, but Meggie preferred her sexy, black-haired, green-eyed biker any day over the accepted ideal of a nobleman.

  Save a prince. Ride a biker.

  “Okay, then we should meet here tomorrow evening and bring the guys in on the planning,” Meggie said, clearing her throat to cover her giggle. Including the guys as soon as possible would also help to draw their minds away from the incident, as Roxy, Meggie, and Kendall had discussed. She stood. “For now, let’s start tasting our dishes.”

  “Me, first!” Kendall jumped from her seat and raced to the refrigerator, pulling out a tray, covered in clear plastic wrap. Bringing it over to the island, she uncovered it. “Voilà! Smoked salmon with caviar and mango.”

  Zoann craned her neck from where she sat on the stool on the other side of the island. “I have to say. It looks pretty good.”

  Actually, it was delicious, and they all agreed that would be on the menu. Although Kendall had another dish she wanted everyone to try out, Bunny asked if she could go next since Ryder, Ransom, and her son, Marcus, Jr., would be waking soon.

  Once everyone agreed, Bunny got two potholders and pulled a pan out of the warming drawer and sat it on top the unlit burners.

  Kendall squinted, then drew closer to the stove, and gasped. “Corndogs? Are you fucking kidding me? I’m not eating that. My taste buds would commit mutiny. That’s not an aphrodisiac. That’s a trailer park kid’s food.”

  Bunny huffed out a breath.

  “It’s okay, Bunny,” Meggie said quickly, not wanting her friend to burst into tears, and seeing she was on the verge. “I like corndogs.”

  “I rest my fucking case,” Kendall said through tight lips. “Blonde dummy and trailer trash.”

  Tears slid down Bunny’s cheeks and her lips trembled.

  “You should cry,” Kendall sneered.

  “Kendall, shut up,” Meggie screeched. “Bunny’s pregnant and all you’re doing is hurting her feelings.”

  “You’re having another baby?” Kendall asked with a frown, then broke out into peals of laughter. “Better you than me.”

  “I’m going to the nursery,” Bunny responded and rushed away, forgetting her dish.

  “Bunny, wait!” Meggie cried, starting after her friend.

  “I’m fine,” Bunny said, pausing in the doorway. “Stay. Finish tasting the food. Kendall’s right, anyway. It was such short notice, I didn’t have time to find a good recipe. Corndogs are rather phallic looking.” She gulped. “I’m sorry.”

  “You’re fine,” Meggie soothed. “I promise. I love corndogs. And you’re right. Corndogs are long and meaty. I’m always up for long and meaty.”

  Bunny grinned through her tears.

  “Ohhhhh, Meggie,” Fee and Bailey teased, pumping their fists in the air. “Woof, woof, woof.”

  “I’m going to check on the kids,” Bunny said.

  “Okay,” Meggie agreed. “As long as you’re okay.”

  “I am,” she promised, and walked away.

  “Oh my God! I can’t believe she’s pregnant again,” Kendall chirped the moment Bunny left. “I’d rather sew my pussy up than have more children.”

  “You’re doing all your little unfertilized eggs a favor, Kendall,” Zoann said sweetly. “Us, too. You’ll finally fuck up enough to where either Johnnie will leave you or Christopher will kill you, because you won’t have a pregnancy to fall back on.”

  Kendall started for Zoann, who, in turn, stood from her seat and got into battle stance.

  “It’s my turn,” Fee blurted, hurrying to the refrigerator and pulling out a pitcher, while Roxy jerked Kendall back to her seat and Zoann returned to her.

  Fee hummed an offkey, high-pitched tune that indicated her nervousness at the tension. If Roxy hadn’t been there, Kendall and Zoann would be rolling on the floor, pummeling each other.

  Fee got glasses from the cabinet then poured everyone a bit of the drink she’d brought. “Drink up,” she said, when they all had their glasses filled.

  Meggie frowned at the strong odor and looked suspiciously into her glass. “What is it?”

  “Just drink, silly,” Fee said brightly, tasting her drink.

  Meggie sniffed the contents of her glass again, picking up on the scent of molasses. It had the consistency and color of dark rum. “Is this hard liquor?”

  “No,” Fee swore. “It’s wine. Just drink it.”

  “Try it, Meggie.” Bailey drained her glass. “It’s good.”

  Zoann took a small sip. “I have to agree.” She took a bigger gulp.

  “Hmmm, it is good,” Kendall said. “What is it?” she asked, just as Meggie tasted hers.

  “Cash’s mom and stepdad travel all over the world.” Fee finished her drink. “She said we had to try this and brought us some. It’s called Tezhi Sanbian Jiu.”

  Meggie drank from her glass. The wine was delicious. “Ummmm, yum,” she said, draining her glass, too.

  Fee went to the refrigerator, pulled out the bottle, and poured more into everyone’s glasses. Sold on the drink, Meggie held her glass out. Smiling, Fee pored a small amount in.

  “What is it?” Meggie asked again.

  “Tezhi Sanbian Jiu,” Fee answered with a grin.

  “You already said that, baby,” Roxy pointed out. “Is that the brand name or the drink name? What’s in it?”

  “Oh, um…” Fee made a moue of her mouth then waved her hand. “It’s Three Penis Wine.”

  As
Fee spoke, more of the beverage hit Meggie’s tongue, and the slight molasses taste turned bitter…gross. She choked, then coughed, jumping from her seat and rushing to the sink.

  The drink exploded from Kendall’s mouth in a large spray.

  “Oh my God!” Zoann cried. “I’m going to fuck you up, Ophelia!”

  “I’m drinking three dicks?” Roxy asked in horror. “Whose? What…Fuck, what the fuck am I saying? You’re giving me Three Dick Wine, girl? What’s wrong with you?”

  “It’s Three Penis Wine,” Fee said with a sniff. “And you’re being very disrespectful. It is used in traditional Chinese medicine for male virility and vitality.”

  “Do I look like I have a cock?” Roxy demanded. “Last time I checked I had a pussy.”

  “Omigod, Fee!” Meggie cried, after rinsing her mouth out.

  Kendall snorted. “Oh, please, Meggie. You can’t be upset drinking pricks, as much as your husbands stays in your mouth.”

  Meggie narrowed her eyes.

  “Ignore her,” Roxy ordered, then turned to Fee. “What three dicks am I drinking, anyway?”

  Fee huffed out a breath. “You liked it before I said what it was!”

  “Ophelia,” Zoann gritted.

  “Fine. It’s deer, seal, and Cantonese dog penises.”

  “I’m drinking dog penis?” Bailey gasped. “Don’t they have to be, like, dead, for their dicks to be made into wine?”

  “Let me see this fucking bottle.” Snatching the bottle from Fee, Roxy squinted, attempting to use one eye to see inside the bottle. “Shit, this isn’t working.” Getting a glass, she poured out what was left of the contents. “Okay, so there’s no pickled pricks. Just how is this shit made?”

  “There won’t be pickled cock,” Fee said with a sniff. “You’re thinking of the medicinal drinks where snakes or baby mice or whatever ferments. This is made from powdered dick.”

  Roxy gave her an under-eyed look. “What the fuck does that mean?”

  Fee shrugged. “I guess the penises are dried then made into a powder.”

  “I need to fuck you up for bringing this,” Zoann bit out.

  “You just happened to have this at your house?” Kendall asked sarcastically.

  “Yes, I swear.” Fee stepped closer to Roxy, out of Zoann’s reach. “Meggie said it was for Valentine’s day and it needed to be an aphrodisiac.”

  “Um, yeah,” Meggie agreed, “but, no. We don’t need that much of an aphrodisiac.”

  “Cash likes it,” Fee pointed out. “Can’t we have some on hand for him?”

  “Okay, I tell you what,” Meggie started. “We’ll have it on hand, so if he wants it, it’ll be there.” Reluctantly, she added Three Penis Wine to the menu. “Next.”

  “I have to get home soon, so I’ll go next.” Zoann grinned. “Although it was my idea to do the tasting, it still presented me with a challenge, so I went online to find something different.”

  Going to the refrigerator, she pulled out a glass pan. Meggie couldn’t see exactly what the dish contained, so she patiently waited until Zoann warmed the food in the microwave, then used potholders to bring it to the island. She got little dessert plates and served everyone a portion.

  No one made a move to take a plate; instead, they all stared at the black noodles, topped with chives and lobster meat, and sprinkles of orange custard.

  “I’m not putting that into my mouth until you tell me exactly what it is,” Kendall announced.

  “It’s squid ink noodles with uni and lobster meat.”

  “Uni?” Meggie echoed.

  Kendall frowned. “Are you sure that’s right? I’ve never heard of it, and I eat all types of delicacies.”

  “You’ve never heard of sense either, but it exists,” Zoann said with a glower.

  “I’ve seen uni on some cooking shows,” Roxy said, shaking her head in disapproval. “That’s sea urchin balls.”

  “No, Mama,” Bailey protested, holding up her smart phone. “Uni is the roe.”

  Kendall followed Bailey’s idea and went to her phone. A moment later, she turned it toward everyone. “I’m afraid Roxy’s right, Bailey. It’s sea urchin gonads. In effect, balls.”

  No one responded.

  “Right?” she added with uncertainty.

  “Gonads are testicles or ovaries,” Zoann reminded them.

  “Give me some,” Meggie said. “I’ll try it.”

  “Thank you, baby.” Zoann prepared a small plate for Meggie, then handed it to her.

  “It doesn’t taste bad,” Meggie conceded after tasting it. “It’s briny, but the seasoning and the lobster adds to the flavor.” She finished the noodles and sat her plate down. “Actually, it’s rather good.”

  With her words, the others decided to try the dish and reached the same conclusion.

  Noticing the time, they sped up the tasting. Bailey came next with blue cheese and walnut appetizers, a combination mixed and rolled into little balls. Roxy served them bacon-wrapped smoked oysters and Meggie’s dish was minced clams combined with spices and seasonings and stuffed into mushrooms. Finally, Kendall brought out her last dish—jellied caviar shaped into hearts that she admitted she’d purchased.

  All in all, the tasting party was a success. All the items would be on the party menu, including Bunny’s corndogs, especially since kids would be in attendance. Meggie also decided to add ribs, baked beans, a couple of casseroles, fried fish, French fries, and mini pizzas, to the food list.

  “You did good, baby,” Roxy whispered at the door, offering Meggie a big hug.

  “Thank you,” she said. “Do you think it’ll be enough to distract the guys?”

  “We’ll see, sugar,” Roxy said. “They were all together today, and we didn’t hear any sirens.”

  “You’re right.” Meggie hugged her again before she closed the door behind them, looking forward to the ball.

  Hopefully, the past couple of days had been just a bump in the road and life would now return to normal.

  Later that night, Christopher leaned back into Megan’s embrace, allowing the hot water to flow over him. Usually, they’d be in bed by now, but, knowing him so well, she saw how annoyed he’d been since he’d gotten home for dinner.

  After church, he’d gone to Big Joe’s monument and had a few drinks, to wrap his mind around the fact that Randolph was a Foy as much as he attempted to forget about his anger over Megan’s injuries. It hadn’t helped much.

  Once they’d gotten the kids in bed, Christopher headed to Diesel’s room to catch up on his day, while Megan excused herself to get ready for bed. When Christopher got in the room, she’d been waiting for him at the edge of the bed, naked, her hair twisted up in a messy bun.

  “Our bath is waiting,” she’d announced.

  All Christopher saw were the fingerprints on her neck. He’d been about to decline, but she hadn’t allowed him. Getting up, she’d walked to him, stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. When he responded, she’d began to undress him until he had no clothes on and she led him to their jacuzzi tub.

  Megan got in first, opening her arms and legs to him. Sighing in frustration, Christopher climbed into the bubbly warmth, sat down, and backed into her embrace. For a long time, they’d been silent, still, lost in their own thoughts, until she started planting tiny kisses along his shoulder a moment ago.

  “I’m fine,” she told him, as if she read his mind.

  He didn’t answer her. She was alive, but she wasn’t fine. She was still hoarse. Bruised.

  “Anything interesting happened at the club?”

  He grunted. A bunch of fucking things, including the discovery of her nephew.

  Her fingers played at his nape. “Did you see the guys?”

  “Don’t I always see them motherfuckers?” he growled.

  She kissed behind his ear, ignoring the sharpness of his words. “You’re still angry with them?”

  “No shit.”

  “Christopher,” she whispered between her kissing vari
ous parts of his skin, “just what are you so angry about?”

  “What the fuck you mean? Don’t play fuckin’ stupid. You know why I’m fuckin’ pissed.”

  “Actually, I don’t,” she countered. “If you think about it, Mortician and Johnnie did exactly what you asked them to do. Saved my life.”

  Mortician might have, but fucking Johnnie? “Where the fuckhead who attacked you? Why I ain’t seen pieces of his body? What about the fuckin’ footage? That’s how I know it was motherfuckin’ Johnnie.”

  “Suppose it was?” she asked, surprising him so much that he went still. Didn’t even breathe.

  Tension invaded him, thoughts of cutting Johnnie’s head off dancing through his brain. She was finally admitting the truth, and Christopher could strike. “Then it fuckin’ was,” he concluded.

  “Nope,” Megan answered calmly. “I’m just saying suppose it was.” She kissed his shoulder again. “For him to do something like that to me would mean something else was going on. He wasn’t in his right mind.”

  He could agree, if Johnnie hadn’t opened an old wound by telling Christopher about him and Megan. Between Johnnie’s words, and now Megan’s, Christopher felt as if she had deeper motives for protecting him. Which made him want to kill Johnnie even more.

  “You takin’ up for him ain’t helpin’ his cause.”

  “I’m not taking up for Johnnie, Christopher,” she snapped, the first hint of annoyance creeping into her voice. “I’m taking up for you. So is Mortician. And Johnnie,” she stressed.

  “Yeah? How the fuck you motherfuckers takin’ up for me when I want fuckin’ blood? What the fuck ain’t you understandin’ that if a motherfucker try to take you from me, I want fuckin’ retribution?”

  She squirmed against him and he sat up, allowing her to wiggle away from him. He backed against the tub and she straddled him. The moment her now-hairless pussy brushed his cock, it stiffened.

  She pressed her lips against his, then cradled his face between her hands. “What we do for you, we do because we love you. Me, Mort, Johnnie…all of us. If that means protecting you, then we’ll do it, whether you like it or not.”

  He turned his face away and she sighed.

  “I’m fine, Christopher. For now. But I won’t be if this affects you so negatively. Your pain is mine,” she reminded him. “Yes, I could’ve been killed—”