by Natasha West
They’d agreed this was a casual one off situation. Chloe wasn’t going to be the one to break that agreement. And now was really the worst possible time for her to even try. Jess was sad. She would probably just be annoyed if Chloe brought any of this up, like she was trying to make this all about her. And, she told herself, there really wasn’t any way this was going anywhere. She had to let it be what it was and nothing more.
All she could do was sit on the bench with Jess. That’s as much as she had to offer. She felt pathetically inadequate.
But Jess didn’t agree. She had nothing further to say and she was completely grateful for the peace that Chloe was allowing her to have. That’s why she’d left the conference. She felt like she didn’t have anything to say to anyone that had any point or value. Even Chloe, who’d been a bright spot of the year, someone who made her smile to see her phone beep with a fresh text, was too much. It was all too much.
‘I shouldn’t have suggested this’ Jess said.
Chloe looked around at Jess. And even though she knew that this situation was not supposed to be about her, she couldn’t help feeling that in some way, it was. She was deeply hurt.
‘Because I’m not…’ Chloe began but couldn’t finish.
‘You’re not ‘not’ anything. I’m the one who’s ‘not’.’
She gave Chloe the first smile of her day.
‘You’re great. I’m a mess.’
Chloe smiled back.
‘Well, I’m a mess too. Maybe a different kind of mess, but still.’
Jess slid her hand out of Chloe’s, giving it a brief pat as she extricated.
‘That’s a sweet thing to say.’
Chloe wondered if it was a good moment to gently prod for a little more information.
‘Maybe we could talk about what’s-’
‘No’ Jess said firmly. ‘I think I just need to go home and think about what I’m going to do next.’
Chloe looked down. She’d been right, she was utterly out of her depth. And some selfish and ugly part of her was beginning to feel a little resentful about it. She hadn’t been expecting any of this. She’d been promised a fun weekend. And instead, Jess had made her feel like some kid trying to talk to an adult about something she didn’t get.
It wasn’t that she didn’t want to help. It was that she didn’t know how to. And if she couldn’t, then Jess shouldn’t have dragged her into it. And whether she meant to or not, that’s what she’d done.
Chloe wouldn’t make the mistake of trying again.
‘OK, well, can I pass anything onto the conference organisers?’ she said, a shade more coldly than she intended.
Jess felt the slight wind chill of Chloe’s words. But she understood it. She’d been an emo tit with someone who was, to all intents and purposes, not much more than a friend with benefits. Maybe not even that. Perhaps ‘warm acquaintance with benefits’ was nearer to it.
She had to at least try to find something of old Jess to end this on, since she thought there was a very good chance she’d probably scared Chloe off. If she’d been on the other end of this situation, Jess thought she might have considered herself pretty high maintenance. She didn’t want this to be the last time they spoke.
‘No thanks. I’ll email them later; tell them I came down with explosive diarrhoea. That ought to hold them.’
A surprised giggle slipped from Chloe’s lips.
‘Couldn’t you just say tummy trouble?’ she said through her laughter.
‘Nah, I’m telling you, if you want to get out of something, those two words ‘Explosive’ and ‘Diarrhoea’ are a magical combination. They make anyone hearing them immediately embarrassed. They can’t stop the conversation quick enough. And if you tell them it happened in public, even better. I once told someone in charge of my jury service that I’d shit myself on the bus and that was that. She practically begged me not to come in. It was brilliant.’
‘You lied your way out of jury service?’ Chloe asked, impressed.
‘That’s the thing. It wasn’t a lie. How do you think I learned this trick?’ Jess said, grinning. ‘The hard way.’
Chloe would have been revolted if anyone else had told her that story. But somehow, coming from Jess, it tickled her. Chloe let her laughter flow freely. If Jess had decided that Chloe was ill equipped to help, then she could at least let her know that they were alright. It wasn’t much, but it was better than nothing.
The laughter pleased Jess. It reminded her of their beginning. When she’d been younger, dumber, easier. Jess wished to be that girl again. She felt some resolve begin to creep into her bones. She would be that girl again, she promised herself.
Chloe watched as Jess threw her bag into the boot of her car. Jess shut the boot and turned to her.
‘I guess this is it.’
Chloe smiled thinly.
‘I hope not.’
Jess was surprised.
‘Do you?’
Chloe nodded. Jess sighed.
‘Me too.’
She stepped toward Chloe, and Chloe’s arms opened immediately. They hugged, lingeringly. Jess suddenly broke it saying ‘Alright, I think I’m done being a big drama queen.’
Chloe released her and Jess got into her car. She snapped her belt across and gave a brief wave before pulling quickly out of the car park.
Chloe watched the sharp exit, relieved and disappointed all at once.
Year Six
June 2011 - The Prince George Hotel (Brighton)
Chloe was leaning over the railings of the pier, eating chips from a cone and looking out at the lazy ocean. For once, the conference had taken her somewhere she could see something pretty. The last five years of conferences had been in cities she’d never want to visit and shithole hotels. But this year, they’d stretched the budget to something a bit nicer. Chloe was thankful. It was likely the only break she’d get this summer.
As she stared out at the water, she sighed heavily. She had to head over to the hotel soon to register her presence, to her supreme annoyance. She wanted to stay right where she was. She swore she’d come right back here as soon as the afternoon was done with. It would be light until around nine tonight and she wanted to squeeze in as much time as she could near the water. There was something about looking at the ocean that gave her peace.
She wondered why humans were so pulled to big bodies of H2O. Maybe it was that when the beginnings of humanity had crawled out of the ocean millions of years ago, they’d lost the option to go back. That our DNA missed our first home, even if our brains couldn’t remember it.
As Chloe let her mind wander along such lines, she heard a sudden terrible screech and saw a flutter of wings from the corner of her eye. Before she could fully turn, she felt a wrench in her hands. A huge gull was stealing her chips.
‘Oy, come back!’ she cried out in surprise but the gull and his prize were long gone. She watched as he flew off, irritated. It had been nice there for a while, Chloe thought. Sodding greedy bird.
‘You should be more careful’ a voice said from behind her. ‘I hear those birds steal unattended Chihuahuas sometimes.’
Chloe turned with a smile to see Jess standing there, smiling shyly. Before she could think twice about it, Chloe grabbed Jess into a hug.
Jess took it gratefully. She hadn’t been sure what kind of reception to expect from Chloe. They hadn’t been in much contact the last year, the most recent communication being a text eight months ago. It had been from Jess, a reply to a lengthy enquiry after her wellbeing and it had read ‘I’m fine. Hope you’re well.’ Chloe had seen the brevity and vagueness as a kiss off. She hadn’t texted back.
But here they were again, both pleased to see each other, both able to see that pleasure in the other. It was a relief.
‘How did you find me?’ Chloe asked.
Jess made a slightly awkward face.
‘I wasn’t actually looking for you. I guess we both had the same idea, heading for the pier.’
&nbs
p; ‘Oh’ said an embarrassed Chloe.
‘But I’m glad I ran into you’ Jess added quickly. ‘I was just about to go back to the hotel when I heard someone shouting. And I thought, ‘Who the hell would try to reason with a seagull? Chloe Price would, as it turns out.’
‘It took me by surprise! I didn’t think I was going to talk it into bringing my chips back or anything.’
‘Even if you could, would you really want them at that point?’
Chloe shrugged and said ‘Good point.’
A silence fell on them, as they realised that another twelve months had changed them both a little.
The biggest change was that Chloe was no longer a redhead. She’d gone honey blonde a while back. So far, the saying about blondes and fun had turned out to be a fallacy. She was having only the standard levels of it.
Jess, on the other hand still looked pretty similar, but somehow healthier. Less exhausted. The rings were gone from her eyes. There was a light in them that had gone out the previous year. Chloe was delighted to see it again.
‘I guess we’d better head over to the hotel’ Jess said and they walked back down the pier.
‘So, it’s been a while’ Jess said, ‘What have you been up to? Have you gotten married? Had a child? Killed a man just to watch him die? Give me all the gossip.’
‘Well, I haven’t quite done any of those things. But I am seeing someone.’
‘Oh yes? Let’s have the details.’
‘Well, she’s another teacher from my school, teaches art, her name’s Freya. She’s been there a couple of years but we never really talked. Honestly, I thought she didn’t like me. And then it was the Christmas party and we got talking and it turned out we had a lot in common. We liked all the same books and plays and, well…’ She threw her hands up, an ending to her homily.
‘And you’re serious?’
‘Yeah. I think so. It’s still kind of new but, yeah.’
She bit her lip with trepidation. She hoped it wasn’t hurtful to Jess that she was seeing someone. But she didn’t want to assume anything either. Maybe Jess wouldn’t care.
‘I’m glad you found someone. A catch like you shouldn’t sit on the shelf’ Jess said quietly.
Was she genuinely pleased for her? Or was there a note of regret in it? Chloe couldn’t tell.
‘How about you? Are you, err, seeing anyone right now?’
‘Actually…’ she held up her hand to display an engagement ring, demure but tasteful.
‘Oh!’ cried Chloe, almost walking into a lamppost in her shock.
‘Watch yourself!’ Jess said, grabbing Chloe, yanking her of harm’s way.
The two-woman procession ground to a halt. Chloe immediately grabbed Jess’s hand to inspect the ring further.
‘How…’ Chloe trailed off.
‘…Did I manage to get someone who’d have me till death do us part? Obviously, there was a certain amount of blackmail involved.’
‘Oh, stop it! Tell me everything’ Chloe said quickly, stamping down some unpleasant tummy rumbles. They both had someone. That was good.
Chloe wanted to be pleased. She would be pleased.
‘Well, I’m sure you remember last year, I wasn’t in such a great place’ Jess muttered, embarrassed to have to mention it. But it was part of the story. It had to be acknowledged.
Chloe nodded.
‘OK, so I decided that I needed to sort myself out, change all the things that were making me unhappy. The job was top of the list. Terrible hours, terrible pay and we’ve been down a staff member in PE for ages, supply teachers coming and going, it wasn’t cutting it. We were in such a state. I went to my head and told her that I wanted to quit.’
‘What?’ Chloe screeched.
‘But! She refused to take my resignation. She said she couldn’t lose me. She offered me department head.’
‘Oh my god!’
‘Yep. The old one had taken early retirement a few weeks before and I’d thought about going for it, but there were people that had been there a lot longer than me. I didn’t think I had a snowball’s chance, but it turned out the Head had me in mind the whole time. So I said I’d take it on the proviso they made room in the budget for a new permanent teacher in the department. I didn’t want to take the job to still be snowed under. No pay rise is worth that. I’ll be honest, I thought I was pushing my luck. But I don’t think she realised how bad things really were, I guess the old department head had been keeping quiet about it, coasting out his time till retirement. When I told her what a mess we were in, she put it to the front of her list. We got the new staff member about six weeks later and I moved up about the same time. Her name was Claire. And she was gorgeous.’
‘You ended up with the new teacher?’
‘Yeah. Sometimes it’s just easier to be with another teacher. Which I guess you know too.’
Chloe nodded.
‘You work the same hours, know the same people, have the same problems...’
‘Exactly.’
Chloe blew out dramatically.
‘That’s quite a romantic story.’
‘Isn’t it, though? From dreadful things, beauty grew.’
‘Very poetic.’
‘Not really. But for a PE teacher, I’m practically an intellectual.’
Chloe gave Jess a gentle smack on the hand.
‘Don’t do yourself down. You’ve never really been the dumb jock.’
‘And I suppose you’re not the shy bookworm anymore’ Jess said with a raised eyebrow.
‘I guess we’re growing up’ Chloe agreed.
‘I guess we are.’
They turned at that and began to move toward the hotel again.
Jess and Chloe were seated next to each other listening to the commencement speech. Jess was furtively texting Claire, telling her what the Union General Secretary was saying, moment by moment, with her usual comic spin on it. Claire’s replies came thick and fast. Eventually, the conversation turned in the direction that every prospective newlywed couple’s eventually does.
‘I miss you so much. Can’t stop thinking about your bum’ Jess texted.
‘My bum misses you too. So does the rest of me’ came the reply.
‘What are you doing right this second?’
‘Looking at wedding stuff on the internet.’
‘Anything in particular?’
‘Honeymoon, obvs. That’s the best bit.’
‘Then let’s skip the wedding. We can elope and go straight to the good stuff.’
‘We can’t. My Dad is expecting to give me away. He’d kill you and then me, in that exact order.’
‘Sigh. Alright. Guess I’ll just have to marry you then.’
‘You mean you’ll have to Civil Partner me, don’t you? Whatever you call it, you promised me forever and you better deliver.
‘Easy promise to keep.’
And on it went.
Chloe couldn’t help but notice what Jess was doing. It was making her tummy feel a bit odd again.
She quickly got out her phone and began to text Freya.
‘Hey, what are you up to?’
The reply came a few minutes later.
‘Nothing’
‘I’m just sitting in the commencement speech. Very dull.’
A minute went by with no reply. Chloe tried again.
‘Are you still coming to mine on Sunday night?’
‘Why wouldn’t I be?’ zipped back the text.
‘No reason. Just checking.’
‘If you’d give me a key, I could be waiting for you.’
That gave Chloe pause. She wasn’t sure if it was really key time yet. She’d hadn’t lived with anyone since Laura, her very former fiancée. Maybe it was just a piece of metal that opened a lock, though. It didn’t have to mean anything else.
‘OK, I’ll get one made for you.’
‘Really?!’
That worried Chloe. Freya wasn’t really a question mark/exclamation mark person. There was someth
ing a little too excited about the text.
Chloe thought for a few minutes about what she could say back. Something that would make it clear that the gesture was not enormously significant. Certainly not ‘moving in’ significant.
‘Yes. It’s no big deal’ was the composition she landed on.