The Rom-Com Collection: The Plus One, Something for the Weekend, A Marriage of Connivance

by Natasha West

  ‘But you realise how badly it could backfire if it doesn’t turn out the way we think it will.’

  ‘I realise that, yes. But I know Zoe. And you know Caitlin. I think we both know that this would ruin them.’

  Jordan walked to the nearby poo bin and dropped Dave’s offering in quickly. She turned back to the tree. She went quiet again, thinking seriously about Ellie’s pitch for revenge. Dave suddenly barked, startling them both.

  ‘Dave, chill’ Jordan said and pulled a tiny ball from her pocket, lobbing it as far as she could. He galloped after it as fast as his disproportionately tiny legs would carry him. As he reached the ball, Jordan turned to Ellie.

  ‘OK.’

  Ellie wasn’t entirely sure what that meant. Was it a yes to her idea? Or was she simply about to tell her that she was utterly, stark staring mad to think such a plan could work? Like ‘OK, you should probably move out.’

  ‘OK…?’ Ellie asked tentatively.

  ‘Yes, OK. Let’s do it. I think it’s a good idea.’

  ‘You do!?’ Ellie cried out, surprised at her own excitement. It felt oddly good to impress Jordan, who seemed to think most things were stupid.

  ‘I actually do’ Jordan concurred.

  Before Ellie realised what she was doing, she’d grabbed Jordan in a hug. Jordan, taken by surprise, submitted briefly. And then, realising that they’d never actually hugged each other before, they jumped apart, like people realising they’d sleep walked into traffic.

  Jordan gave a short cough and muttered ‘Alright, Ellie. Take it easy, would you? We’ve still got to pull this off. And even if it’s possible, it’s going to take some serious effort to get it to work.’

  Ellie nodded, a little embarrassed. She couldn’t think what had come over her.

  ‘But I do have some thoughts on how to get from A to B.’

  ‘That was quick. I only just had the idea!’

  ‘What can I say? I guess you have a way of bringing out the worst in me’ Jordan said with a dry smile.

  Dave came trotting back, dropping the now very slobbery ball at Jordan’s feet.

  ‘Good boy, Dave. Let’s get this show on the road, shall we?’

  And she threw the ball as hard as she could. Dave trotted off again, wagging with delight. Ellie knew how he felt. Jordan liked the plan. They were really going to do this.

  After Dave had been dropped off back home, Jordan and Ellie were driving back in Jordan’s dog van. The smell of dog pee was strong, the result of some nervous mutts who weren’t so sure about the whole ‘whizzing through the air at forty miles an hour’ thing. But Jordan had promised that you learned to ignore it eventually.

  ‘Hey, would it be OK if we stopped by my storage unit on the way back?’ Ellie asked.

  ‘Why do you have a storage unit?’

  ‘Because when I moved in with Zoe, she said none of my stuff really matched with hers. We, I, well, she decided to put it in storage.’

  Jordan sighed deeply.

  ‘Just when I think I’ve found the depths of Zoe’s dick-ishness, there’s a storage unit filled with more of it.’

  Ellie looked out of the window as she thought about the truth in that.

  ‘At the time, the way she put it, I really didn’t think it was that bad.’

  ‘But I’m assuming those blinkers have slipped off now, though. Right?’

  ‘Trust me. They’re off.’

  Ellie pulled open the rusty door to the unit with a painful shriek and looked inside. The sight of all her old furniture was at once comforting and painful. On the one hand, everything in there had been chosen by Ellie because she loved it and it felt good to see it all again. On the other hand, she’d shut everything away on Zoe’s say so with barely a second thought.

  Looking into the dark recesses of all her most valued possessions, it was like realising she’d shut herself in there too.

  ‘Is that what I think it is?’ Jordan said suddenly, breaking Ellie’s existential crisis as she waltzed past Ellie and into the unit. She pulled a dust sheet off a mustard yellow Chesterfield sofa. ‘Shit, this is a beauty.’

  ‘Do you like it?’

  ‘Do I like it? I fucking love it.’

  ‘Zoe thought it looked a bit, I don’t know, shabby or something.’

  ‘That’s because it’s not the kind of soulless minimalist bullshit she likes. It’s got character’ she said, sitting down on it gently, caressing it respectfully.

  Ellie watched her admiring the sofa, warmed by Jordan’s regard for it.

  ‘Can we have it in the flat?’ Jordan asked keenly.

  ‘Sure’ Ellie said, still a little surprised at Jordan’s enthusiasm. ‘In all honesty, I thought I was going to have to sell most of this stuff. I can’t store it forever and your flat is furnished.’

  Jordan stood up, going deeper into the unit.

  ‘Don’t you dare’ she said, inspecting a teak bookcase in the gothic style. ‘The goons on Gumtree could never appreciate this stuff. We’ll find the room’ she assured Ellie.

  Jordan’s eye chanced on a roll top bureau made of rich mahogany and if she’d been drooling before, she was on the verge of visual orgasm now. Who would have thought that Ellie had such good taste?

  ‘Ok, I think this one is my favourite. What are the odds you might let me use this occasionally? I really feel like this would make me want to sit down and work.’

  Ellie was about to agree to share. But seeing Jordan’s immediate passion for the desk, she thought she could do a bit better than that.

  ‘You know what? You can have it.’

  ‘What?!’ Jordan cried out. ‘No, I couldn’t. Really?’

  ‘Yeah. Call it a house warming gift. I never really used it much anyway, I just thought it was pretty.’

  Jordan ran a finger along a gilt drawer handle and said ‘It’s pretty, alright. Thanks Ellie. Now I’m glad I asked you to move in.’

  Ellie laughed.

  ‘Sorry’ Jordan apologised, realising what she’d said and how it sounded. ‘You know what I mean.’

  The word ‘Sorry’ sounded weird coming out of Jordan’s mouth. Ellie realised that was because she’d never heard her say it before. Even if she broke one of your wine glasses right in front of you, the best you could hope for was a sarcastic ‘Oops.’

  Was this the beginning of a beautiful friendship?

  ‘Hey, on the subject of you moving in, I want to let you know that I bloody hate the smell of onions, so no big oniony meals in the kitchen, alright?’

  ‘Well’ thought Ellie ‘that was nice for about eight seconds.’

  ‘How are you planning to get this stuff back to mine, ours I mean’ Jordan asked. ‘I’d put it in the van but the dog cages are bolted in. Might be a mission. And I don’t think it would hold everything…’

  ‘No, don’t worry. I’ve got a man with a van coming next weekend to get it. I just wanted to get a few small things for now, to feel a bit more settled in. Maybe a box or two?’

  ‘I can definitely get that in the back. Come on, let’s get cracking. The sun’s going down.’

  Ellie began to scout around for the best possible box, holding the dearest treasures. But she really couldn’t remember what was in any of them. It had been far too long to be sure what ‘P stuff’ and ‘KTC’ meant. She ended up grabbing a few boxes at random and hoping for the best.

  Back home, Ellie and Jordan carried two medium sized boxes down the stairs to the basement flat.

  ‘So, now we have the goal sorted, how do you want to kick things off? I mean, there’s a quick way to do this.’

  ‘I think if we rush it, they’ll twig. We have to play it subtle. First off, I need to talk to a lady I work with, she’s a friend. We’re going to need her help for Stage One.’

  ‘And you think she will? It’s not going to be a bit weird to ask?’

  ‘It might well be weird, yes. But she’s been divorced three times to three total bastards. When I tell her what Zoe did, hopefully
she’ll be on board’ Ellie said, as she placed a box down in the living room. She tugged the old tape off it and tore it open.

  ‘What’s in there?’ Jordan asked.

  Ellie brought out a spatula with supreme disappointment.

  ‘Kitchen utensils.’

  Jordan could sense Ellie’s dissatisfaction.

  ‘If it’s any consolation, we were quite low on forks.’

  ‘Help yourself’ Ellie said, as she pushed the box toward her.

  Ellie realised something.

  ‘Hey, when’s Caitlin coming back for her stuff?’

  Jordan was inspecting a cake fork and said bitterly ‘Actually, I don’t have a clue. We haven’t had any contact since she chucked me.’

  ‘If she does contact you, let me know. We might be able to use her coming here in some way.’

  ‘How so?’

  ‘I’m not completely sure yet. But it could have its advantages’ Ellie said, beginning to do some quick calculations in her head.

  Jordan watched Ellie, who was clearly concocting some scheme. Jordan had to admit to herself that this new side of Ellie made her a lot more fun to be around. She was having to re-evaluate everything she thought she knew about the woman.

  ‘Aye aye, Captain, I’ll keep you posted.’

  It was a silly joke, but it made Ellie feel like there was some warmth there again with Jordan. She had to hope it could last.

  She’d moved in out of necessity, both financially and in terms of what they wanted to do together. It had made sense. But what would happen in a few months, when the dust had settled. Would they be normal flatmates? Shared meals, nights in front of the TV? All that stuff?

  What she was really wondering was whether they would be able to cohabitate in peacetime. Right now they had a whole ‘The enemy of my enemy is my friend’ thing to keep it together. But what would happen after that? Could she and Jordan ever be real friends?

  But that was a question for a later time, Ellie supposed. For now, they had things to do.

  Ellie opened the second box and Jordan peeked interestedly in.

  ‘Anything good?’

  Ellie shook her head, crestfallen.

  ‘Sheets and blankets. And no bed to put them on. Perfect.’

  Chapter Seven

  It was Monday morning and Ellie was watching Janice through the classroom window, singing ‘Incy Wincy Spider’ with a group of toddlers.

  The way she threw herself into the song, somehow, Ellie knew she’d be able to do what she was about to ask. She just hoped it wasn’t too crazy a thing to request from a friend. Scratch that. She knew it was too crazy. She just hoped Janice would say yes anyway.

  Janice popped open her sandwich box and looked at its contents with disappointment.

  ‘I hate quinoa.’

  ‘Why do you keep bringing it for lunch, then?’ Ellie asked as she bit into her cheese sandwich.

  ‘I don’t even know anymore. I haven’t dropped a pound in weeks.’

  ‘You don’t need to lose weight, Janice. You look great.’

  ‘Keep telling me that, please. And let me keep believing you.’

  Ellie smiled devilishly.

  ‘Come on, let’s ditch these boring lunches and go for a burger next door!’

  Janice forced her mouth into a stern set, but a smile peeped out from behind it.

  ‘You’re evil.’

  ‘Nothing beats the Monday blues like some greasy rubbish.’

  Janice sighed.

  ‘Fine. You win. But if questioned, I did try to say no.’

  ‘Who would question me?’

  Janice shrugged, positing ‘Spies from Weight Watchers?’

  Ellie and Janice stood and grabbed their coats from the rack.

  ‘I’m paying, by the way.’

  ‘I’m not arguing but what’s the occasion?’

  ‘I’m about to ask for an enormous and unreasonable favour so I need to butter you up first’ Ellie explained.

  ‘Sounds intriguing.’

  ‘If nothing else, you only have to listen to a crazy story and you get a free burger out of it. And then I fully expect you to say no.’

  ‘Lunch and entertainment! This Monday is improving by the minute.’

  At Crazy Mike’s Filthy Burgers, Janice was thoughtfully chewing a piece of her ‘Bacon Burger with all the ‘Fixin’s.’ She’d just heard the whole saga and was shaking her head in horror and disbelief.

  ‘Even my second husband, and he was the worst of the lot, wouldn’t stoop that low. Just about to get you pregnant and she tells you that someone else is the love of her life? Unbelievable.’

  ‘It is, isn’t it? And yet it actually happened.’

  ‘And your legs were…’ she trailed off and held her hands apart to demonstrate what she meant.

  ‘That’s right, Janice. In the air.’

  ‘My god. What are we coming to, I ask you? I blame the internet. It’s made everyone’s attention spans very short.’

  Ellie knew that there was probably a logic to what Janice had just said but she didn’t want to get side-tracked. She still needed to ask the favour of all favours.

  But Janice, who’d always been intuitive to the point of the supernatural, made it easy.

  ‘If I were you, I’d give her a taste of her own medicine. Has she ever cheated on her taxes, by any chance?’

  ‘Actually, I did have revenge in mind. But as far as Zoe’s taxes go, I don’t think that will fly. She’s very straight about that sort of thing. I had something else in mind. Something a bit more complicated.’

  ‘Oh, this is the favour you mentioned? Please do explain but the answer is already yes.’

  Ellie’s mouth fell open.

  ‘But you don’t know what it is yet!’

  Janice sighed and put more salt on her fries.

  ‘You’ve always been good to me, Ellie. How many times have you cat sat for me at five minutes’ notice? How many times have you covered for me when I needed to get my dodgy knee seen in the middle of a work day? You’re a sweet girl and that’s a wonderful thing. But you let people take advantage of you too easily. And maybe I’ve even been known to take a little too much from you. So if you’ve decided to stand up for yourself, I’m all for it. Just tell me what I can do. Call it repaying a long overdue debt.’

  Ellie smiled, warmed by what Janice had just said. She never considered Janice as someone that took advantage. She’d always been glad to do things for her because she always looked at her as a mother figure. More than her own mother, in fact. And apparently, Janice saw her as someone she’d go a long way to protect if needed, like any mother would.

  God bless Janice.

  Chapter Eight

  ‘Okay, I’d settle for a beige’ Zoe said. ‘But anything darker than that will make the room look smaller. Everyone knows that.’

  Caitlin flicked through the paint catalogue to the beige page. It contained sixteen of the dullest colours ever conceived. Caitlin considered them offensively boring to her colour starved pallet.

  ‘Jesus, really? The flat isn’t small. Does that really need to be a concern?’

  ‘It’s not small now, no. But who knows what would happen if we painted the walls pink. It could shrink.’

  ‘I never said pink’ Caitlin said with an eye roll. ‘But maybe it’s a little soon to be looking at this. I haven’t even moved my stuff in yet. Maybe we should come back to this later on…’

  ‘No!’ Zoe protested. ‘I want you to feel at home here. What colour were you thinking? Show me. Let me adjust to it.’

  Caitlin shrugged and said ‘Alright, I’ll show you. But you’re probably going to hate it.’

  ‘If you love it, I’ll love it’ Zoe said with a smile as she moved up the sofa, tucking herself closer into Caitlin.

  Caitlin pointed to the colour puce.

  ‘Oh’ Zoe said quietly. ‘I thought you said it wasn’t pink?’

  ‘Puce isn’t pink. It’s a shade of purple.’

>   ‘Right’ Zoe said gently. ‘Quite a pink-y shade of purple, isn’t it?’