She has a hard time falling asleep that night. The unfamiliar bed hurts her back, her muscles are stiff from the strenuous ride, she misses the kids, and that annoying cricket outside is going to continue his symphony all night long, it seems. Amnon is lying beside her sleeping peacefully. She strokes his thin hair. It’s easier this way, when he’s asleep. She’s been driving him nuts lately, she knows. She knows that he can sense that something’s up. Poor thing. Her Amnon. What is she doing to him? She has to get herself under control. She has to protect her family. She turns onto her side and closes her eyes. Images from dinner drift into her mind, of nostalgic Israeli folk songs accompanied by a guitar around the dining hall table, smiles and laughter. And Koby, doing the rounds with Anat hovering around him. Orly too, and the one who sent the equipment list. And he’s beaming, radiant. So close to her yet so far away. The food was too spicy and too oily. She hopes breakfast will be better. She exhales and wonders what Koby is doing now. Is he in his room, asleep? Or maybe he’s not alone at all. Either way, she’s trapped here with Amnon and she can’t leave. That’s fine. It’s not really a prison. It’s her Amnon, who was so looking forward to this trip and who didn’t stop talking about it from the moment she mentioned it.
She falls asleep close on three in the morning and sleeps fitfully until the annoying alarm clock rings at six-thirty. They’re all meeting in the dining hall at seven. A short call to the kids grounds her and fills her with energy.
“Grandma let me eat a chocolate bar with crispy rice, and chocolate without crispy rice too,” Ilai tells her, “and soon I’m going to preschool and there’ll be challah.”
“Honey, you know that Anat won’t be there today, right?” she asks, all attention on her sweet boy.
“How do you know?” Ilai’s not convinced.
“Because she’s on a trip, with Mommy. Shoshi will be there today, the replacement teacher.”
“Hmph, but I don’t like Shoshi, Mommy!” Ilai’s voice changes in a flash.
“Give him to me,” Amnon says and walks over. She hands the phone to him. Let Amnon take care of it. She shouldn’t have mentioned it at all to Ilai.
“Ilai-chick!” Amnon says lovingly, “How are you, sweetie?”
“Not good at all!” Ilai announces, “Mommy is on a trip with Anat and I don’t like Shoshi!”
“Ilai, do you want Mommy and Daddy to bring you a present?” Amnon asks sweetly.
Ilai smells a deal and says yes, he wants a robot.
“Okay, sweetie,” Amnon promises, “We’ll bring you a robot. And now go to preschool, okay?”
“Okay,” Ilai agrees.
“Where’s Ofer?” Amnon asks, “Give him to me a minute, so I can say good morning.”
“Ofer’s pooping,” Ilai says knowingly, “He has a tummy ache. Grandma told him it’s because of all the chocolate.”
Amnon chuckles, “All right, we’ll call again later, okay? Now be a good boy and go get ready.” He hangs up with a beaming smile.
“A robot?” she throws a pillow at his head, “Where do you think we’ll find a robot?! We’re in the desert!!”
“We’ll pick up something on the way back,” Amnon laughs and returns fire. He throws a pillow and hits her in the stomach. “What are you so worried about?”
“Hey!” she yells, giggling. She grabs one of the remaining pillows and thumps him again and again.
He laughs and grabs her waist, pulls her to him and kisses her. “I love you,” he says, “it’s so great that you’re mine.”
“And I you, Ami,” she responds and feels a brief sense of calm.
“I miss them so much,” he adds and strokes her hair. “What a fantastic family we’ve created…amazing, don’t you think?”
She nods. They’re the light of her life, that’s for sure. She has no idea what she would do without them. All three of her men.
“Maybe it’s time to consider making another one…” he says sweetly and kisses her stomach, “don’t you want a little princess to join our family?”
“I do, I do,” she sighs, “I’m just not sure that it’s the right time.”
“Ilai is growing up fast,” he says, “and we aren’t getting any younger. They say it’s best to have children before age thirty-five, and you’re already passed that…we don’t want your womb growing old, Gari…”
“Amnon!” she growls at him, “what are you, a gynecologist? And is this the time to discuss it? Breakfast is in ten minutes and we’re still in our pajamas!”
***
On Saturday they go past a shopping mall. She’s surprised it’s open. She’s exhausted and wants to get home. Her body is aching, inside and out, and the kids should be getting to bed. But Amnon promised a robot.
She stays in the car, massaging her aching thighs, examining the new bruises that are have appeared on her calves, and she thinks back on the day. Avi had a puncture and they all had to stop and wait patiently for Koby to take care of it with admirable skill; Noga crashed and received Koby’s devoted care; other than that, there were a few minor accidents during the drops, but it was always the men, with their egos, who jump straight up afterward, as if nothing had happened. All in all, it was good. A refreshing break. So why does she feel so miserable? What’s wrong with her?
She leans her head against the windowpane and closes her eyes. A whole day’s sweat had accumulated on her face and it leaves a smudge of oil on the glass. Where the hell is Amnon and that stupid robot?
Her phone buzzes. She pulls it out of her purse and opens WhatsApp. There are two old messages from a friend who wants to know where she bought her gray coat, and a new message, from him. She clicks and reads: “Don’t do that to me again! You tortured me for three days…” A yellow winking smiley.
“What?” she answers immediately, “What are you talking about?”
He’s online. “You know…you also felt it, I could tell.”
“Koby…” she writes and her heart starts to pound.
“Seeing you for three days without being able to touch you is like allowing a child to look in a candy store window but not to buy anything.”
“I’m candy?”
“Are you home yet?” he asks.
“I wish…we stopped to look for a robot…don’t ask. Are you home?”
“Yes, a few minutes ago. I’m off to shower. Reek like I don’t know what.”
“I’m also dying to shower.”
“Come over, I’ll wait for you.”
“Stop it.”
“Close your eyes and picture us showering together…that’s what I’m going to do.”
She swallows. This is absolute torture. She lifts her head and looks around the parking lot. Please, don’t let Amnon return suddenly.
“Kisses, my beauty. When do we have a lesson?”
“In two days.”
“Hope I’ll survive until then. Wish me a pleasant shower. You’ll be with me in my thoughts…”
“Enjoy.”
“Report to you later?”
“No.”
He sends a heart and disconnects.
She sighs again. Why does everything have to be so complicated?
In the distance, she sees Amnon on his way back carrying two big carrier bags in his hands. He’s smiling.
***
“How were they?” she asks Anucha, who’s sitting on the floor with the kids curled up in her lap.
“Delightful, as always,” Anucha replies with a smile.
“What about a hug for Daddy?” Amnon asks, and the two run into their father’s open arms.
“Did you bring me a robot?” Ilai cuts to the chase.
“Of course,” Amnon says.
“It’s not fair!” Ofer gets angry.
“Do you like robots?” Amnon feigns innocence.
Ofer nods enthu
siastically.
“Then I guess it’s lucky I bought two…” he laughs and Ofer relaxes.
“Ofer had a runny tummy,” Anucha updates Hagar, “he said he ate a lot of chocolate at Esther’s…or it could be a virus, I don’t know…”
“Thanks, Anucha,” she hugs her and picks up the kids’ bags, which are packed and waiting, then slings them over her shoulder.
“Thanks, Menachem,” she makes sure to thank her father-in-law, too.
“Did you enjoy yourselves?” Anucha asks.
“Very much,” Hagar answers.
“Well, that’s the most important thing,” Anucha clasps her hands in satisfaction, “we need to take care of our families.”
“Yes, Mom, we know,” Amnon hushes her gently.
She shoves two plastic boxes into Hagar’s hands. “They hardly ate a thing, but I made plenty of food. Take some for the coming week.”
Hagar thanks her with a weary smile. “Let’s get going, it’s late,” she urges the children. We have to get up early tomorrow, it’s a new week.” They leave, laden with bags, boxes of food, children and a love of life.
***
On Monday morning, she parks the jeep in the gravel parking lot where they’re meeting. He hasn’t arrived yet and the parking lot is empty, making her nervous: She could be murdered right here and now, and nobody would notice. Did murderers wake up so early? she wonders to herself. She shivers from the thought and the morning chill. Although the days are warming up, the mornings are still chilly.
He arrives in his old banger and stops beside her with a slight creak, his tires raising fine dust. He opens the car door, walks over, and without saying a word, grabs her by the nape, leans in and gives her a long kiss.
Barely awake, he takes her by surprise, and she finds herself swept away by the unfamiliar situation she’s suddenly found herself in.
He kisses and kisses her and doesn’t stop, her mouth, her nose, her neck, her earlobes. “You’re killing me,” he whispers, “I can’t stop thinking about you…”
She responds, kissing him back, letting go of all thought and inhibition. She can no longer restrain herself. She’s going to crash but she doesn’t care. He lowers her gently into the back seat of the jeep.
“There are boosters inside,” she gasps and giggles.
They move to the front passenger seat. With infinite tenderness, he lays her on her back, with her head resting against the padded armrest between the two seats, her legs parted and slightly bent, her feet almost touching the gravel in the parking lot, and then he’s on her, pressing himself to her.
“Do you still want to ride today?” he whispers in her ear, and she asks, “On the bike?”
“No, not on the bike,” he says and with a flash, removes her cycling pants. She’s left in her white silk panties. Her legs are trapped and she can’t spread them. She still has her cycling shoes on, laced up tightly, and her cycling pants are bunched up around her ankles.
“Wait,” he says and snaps off her shoes, then yanks off her pants.
She’s so aroused she can’t think She’s there, in body, in heart, in her entirety.
He lifts the edge of her shirt, kisses her flat, smooth, flawless stomach and removes her shirt, exposing her white lace bra. Her erect nipples are poking through and he swiftly snaps her bra clasp open with one hand to release her breasts. He kisses them and hears her moan. He licks her body, sucks hard at her nipples while penetrating her with his fingers. She bites her lips, trying not to scream, but the thrill and pleasure overpower her, and unable to control herself, she emits unrestrained, loud, unfamiliar sounds as she’s consumed by her desire.
Moments later, unable to restrain herself any longer, she grunts loudly and gasps out, “Wait, not yet,” before reaching gratification.
He smiles. “Don’t worry, you’ll come again soon.”
“No way,” she laughs, still breathless.
“Just you wait,” he says and removes his tight training pants. His penis springs out.
“You don’t wear underpants?” she giggles as she stares at it. It’s huge. She’s only ever seen one before, and the difference in size makes her uncomfortable for a moment.
“Not when I’m riding,” he explains and holds her to him, “that’s what all the professionals do.”
“Make love with their students?” she can’t resist the sting.
“No,” he says and penetrates her forcefully, “they fuck them.”
She’s moaning and panting again, wondering if she’s about to lose consciousness.
He looms over her, pulls out before plunging all the way in again, gliding rapidly back and forth. She’s never known such pleasure, never enjoyed sex this much. This time, she’s not as uninhibited as before, but she can’t stop thinking: Is it him, or has something inside her changed? Is it just the situation?
Will she be able to reproduce this at home, with Amnon? Or ever again, even with Koby? What does this mean? She has never reached such heights of passion. She thought she knew herself—she’s had thirty-eight years on this earth, but it seems like a new world has opened up for her. Is this a one-time thing? Despite her dizzying and relentless thoughts, she comes again. He notices immediately and attunes himself to her, exploding inside her with a loud groan, as if they were one.
***
Feeling lost, she drives to work, still throbbing between her legs from the excitement and pain. She can’t stop crying. How the heck will she work today? How will she concentrate? Will anyone notice that she’s different now? She has to regain her composure. She’s flushed and covered in fresh sweat, but maybe that’s what she looks like after biking. Her legs are still slightly apart and every time she presses the brake, they hurt a little. Will she be able to walk right? What the hell did he do to her? How did she allow herself to get so carried away?
Koby’s voice echoes in her mind, telling her to be true to herself, satisfy herself, going on about relationships and love. What makes him such an expert? He’s divorced! The tears won’t stop rolling down her cheeks. Tears of anger, of frustration, of longing for what is no longer, of disappointment in what remains. How will sex with Amnon feel from now on? Is there any point in it? Her purse buzzes. She pulls over. It could be a message, from him.
“Are you still alive?” he asks. “You were weird when we parted. I really enjoyed our time together—and it looked like you did too.” Smiling purple devil smiley.
She doesn’t respond and bursts into hysterical sobs. She covers her mouth with her hand, trying to stop them, even though no one can hear.
And then her phone rings. She glances at the screen. It’s him. How can she answer like this, when she’s blabbering and so upset?! She clears her throat and tries to control the emotional turmoil she’s in. “Koby?” she whispers, her voice trembling.
“I knew you weren’t all right,” he responds tenderly, “What’s the matter, gorgeous? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?”
“No, no, it’s not that…” she says. Her nose is blocked from crying and her voice sounds strange. “You were fine, Koby…”
“Hagari, there’s no need to feel uncomfortable,” he adds softly. This is the first time he’s called her that, by a pet name. Just don’t let him call me Gari.
“You have to take care of yourself, you know. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
He’s nuts, she thinks to herself but doesn’t say so. How can he truly believe that?
“I have no idea how I’ll ever look him in the eye again…” she wails and immediately regrets it. She should be talking to a good friend, not to the man she cheated on her husband with.
“Hagar, don’t act like a child…” he says, “that’s the way the world works. And Amnon doesn’t have to know a thing. After all, you don’t really want to hurt him. He’s your husband, the father of your children…and you’re a fanta
stic mother. But you’re allowed to take care of yourself once in a while, aren’t you? You also have needs.”
She’s exhausted and confused, and has no idea what Koby is trying to say. “I have to go,” she says, her voice still shaking, “I need a shower.”
“Let’s meet up later,” he suggests, “you’re very upset. I think you could do with a hug.”
She laughs through the tears but doesn’t answer.
“Do you want to go out for lunch today?” he asks.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to go to work,” she says and sniffs.
“I’ll tell you what,” he determines decisively, “go home and shower, and then call me. I’m free all day. We’ll do whatever you like, okay? And if you don’t want to do anything, that’s absolutely fine. Don’t feel obliged. I just want to know that you’re okay.”
“Okay,” she relaxes and smiles through the sea of tears. He’s so sweet. She wants to give him a hug and slap him at the same time. And what does she want from his life? She should be slapping herself, not him!
They hang up and she drives home, a little calmer.
The shower doesn’t wash away the memories, only the sharp odor. She gets out feeling slightly better but avoids looking at her reflection in the mirror. Luckily, it’s steamed up. How will she look at Amnon tonight? She has no idea. She pulls on a pair of tight jeans and a white T-shirt. She’s already given up the idea of going to work today.
She tries to do her makeup and comb her hair without looking in the mirror. Then she makes herself coffee and checks for new messages. Amnon writes that he’ll be a little late tonight. He has a meeting at six.
And then she receives another message, from Koby. “How was your shower? Do you want to get coffee?”
Her fingers type quickly: “On the way.”
She leaves her coffee on the counter and leaves, slamming the door behind her.
When she enters his modest apartment, she notices mounds of clothing. He leads her inside and closes the door behind her. The house is dark and cool. The heat outside is barely noticeable inside. “Are your kids here?” she asks.
Riding Lies Page 8