“They were,” he says, “they made a mess and left. You should see the pile of dishes in the sink.”
She notices that he’s debating whether to hug her. He’s not sure how she’ll react in her obviously delicate, fragile condition. She asks herself if she wants him to hug her now and she has no answer. He makes her instant coffee. She hasn’t drunk that brand in years and the insipid flavor reminds her of her army days.
“We should have used protection,” she states quietly.
“Aren’t you on the pill?” he appears surprised.
“I am,” she answers, “but you should have used a condom. It was very reckless.”
“I don’t wear rubbers,” he says and asks if she wants a cookie.
She says no, and that she can’t put Amnon at risk like that.
“Do I look like I have HIV?” he jokes.
“What do people with HIV look like?” she narrows her eyes at him, “Is it written on their T-shirt?”
He smiles and takes a sip of coffee. “You’re stressed out.”
“I have plenty of reason to be. I cheated on my husband today.”
“Hagar,” he says softly, “stop using that word. You took care of yourself today, for the first time in who knows how long. Maybe you never have.”
“I want you to get tested,” she tells him, her voice a little cold, “especially if we plan to continue.”
He tries to suppress a smile, pleased with what was said between the lines. “I’ll do tests, if it’ll make you relax,” he agrees immediately.
She’s relieved. Her face softens slightly.
“You were a bit freaked out today, weren’t you?” he asks cautiously and moves his hand closer.
She shrinks away. He can’t touch her now; he desecrated her body enough earlier. And what does she have to say on the subject? What does she want? Why does it feel to her like she’s being led by the nose instead of doing the leading herself? “Koby?” she asks, afraid of the answer. “Are you seeing any other women?”
Koby sighs and says, “Not right now. Right now, I’m with you.”
“If we continue,” she chooses her words carefully, “I want to know that I’m the only one. It’s not a game, Koby. I’m putting my marriage at risk. I want to know that you’re here for me.”
“I’m here for you, Hagar,” he says, “but what you’re asking of me isn’t really fair. You aren’t mine alone, are you? You have Amnon. I share you with him. So do you think it’s fair to ask me to be exclusively yours?”
She’s taken aback. In what way does she have to take him into consideration? What is he risking, here? “What are you looking for, Koby?” she asks directly, staring straight into his perpetually-smiling eyes.
“You,” he avoids giving her a direct answer and holds out his hand, “and look, I found you.” He strokes her hair.
“Are you looking for a relationship? For love? The one? Or just casual sex?” she insists, refusing to relent.
“What’s with all the labels?” he laughs, looking amused by the conversation, “Why does everything have to go in a box? Be so defined and cliché?”
“Because our lives are built that way,” she says impatiently, “and cataloging things helps us to organize them in our mind and to understand them.”
“I don’t work that way, sorry,” he takes another sip of coffee, which is now cold. “I believe that people should do whatever makes them feel good, instead of thinking about it all the time. What’s driving you right now? Think about it. The most marked emotion in all these questions of yours is jealousy. If you could neutralize your jealousy, you’d see how much simpler it can all be.”
“Jealousy?” she doesn’t understand, “What does that have to do with it?”
He takes a deep breath and explains, “If Amnon truly loves you and wants the best for you, he won’t be jealous, and then you’d be able to tell him about our relationship. He would say, ‘That sounds great for you, have fun,’ and that would be that.”
Her eyes flash in anger, “Tell me, what world are you living in?”
He laughs. “In my world. But wait, I’m not done. You’re also jealous. Why did you ask if you’re the only one? Because of jealousy. If you neutralize it, you’ll see that everything becomes simpler.”
“But you can’t just neutralize feelings!” she argues, “We aren’t robots! We’re human beings! Jealousy is a real emotion!”
“Jealousy is an unnecessary emotion,” he insists.
“It doesn’t make it any less present in our lives,” she says. She’s feeling uneasy, and starts walking around in small circles, trying to release some tension.
“Come,” he takes her arm and pulls her to him, then gives her a long kiss on the mouth. His mouth tastes like coffee.
“Stop it, Koby,” she begs softly, “it’s not the right time.”
“I’m ending this discussion here and now with a kiss, and to me, it feels like the perfect time,” he whispers and kisses her again.
Like always, she’s swept away by his tenderness, warmth, taste, and she clings to him. She has no idea what the day will bring. She only knows that right now, she’s happy where she is.
***
“You’re crazy!” she says with a broad smile, her fingers tremoring as she opens the beautiful wrapping, “I don’t understand what the special occasion is! I didn’t miss our wedding anniversary or something, did I…?”
He laughs, his grin making his round face rounder. “I don’t need a reason to buy you a gift,” he says, “you deserve the world.”
“Ami, really…” she carefully takes the small diamond earrings out of the box, “they’re perfect…but you didn’t have to!”
“Gari,” he says, looking into her eyes, “I noticed recently that you’ve been distracted. I can tell that you’re going through something.... I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you.”
All at once her eyes are flooded with tears. What is she doing to him? She’s such a monster. Of all times to buy her diamond earrings, it has to be now?
“Go on then, try them on!” he urges her.
She kisses him on the lips and then inserts the studs and screws the backs on. “Well, what do you think?” she asks. Her face is radiant.
“You’re amazing,” Amnon answers.
“Not about me!” she laughs, “How do the earrings look?”
“Perfect, of course,” he says, “after all, I chose them!”
She kisses him again. The taste of another man is still burning her lips. The kids went to sleep ages ago. He probably expects sex tonight, she thinks to herself, stiffening. She can’t go through with it. Not after this morning. She’d rather preserve the storm raging in her body, keep every last drop of it for herself. Her eyes glass over again.
“I’m worried about you, Gari,” he says warmly and strokes her earlobes and the new earrings she’s still wearing.
“You have no reason to, Ami,” she barely smiles, “I’ve told you before, everything’s fine.”
“Even my mother asked me what the matter is,” he dares to say.
And that’s it, she retreats behind her wall again. His mother? How dare she? She should mind her own business! As if her own relationship with Menachem is so wonderful! Living with the same person for fifty years isn’t necessarily a good life. They’re simply used to each other, it’s not like they crazy in love. Crazy love. Crazy love. She repeats the words in her mind and wonders what they mean. Is she crazy in love? Has she ever been? With Amnon? With Koby? With neither? Is she confusing attraction with love? She’s not a child. She’s not naïve, and her attempts to put everything into its proper box is exhausting her. Maybe she needs to go with the flow, as Koby is constantly telling her. Live in the moment, enjoy, love, don’t think so much.
Amnon gets in the shower. She walks barefoot to the kitchen
and pours herself a glass of cold water. Her phone is charging on the counter. She unlocks it and checks for new messages. There are none. She promptly finds his name and taps it, sends him a big, red pulsating heart and rushes back out.
***
“How about coming to my place sometime?” she dares to ask him one day after her riding lesson and the pleasure that’s guaranteed to follow right after. She’s splayed naked on her back in the rear of his car. She can feel the warm liquid dripping slowly out of her. An intoxicating sense of release fills her, her limbs are numb, her heart still racing from the thrill and physical effort. It’s seven in the morning and the parking lot at the entrance to Ein Lavan is deserted. A short while earlier, as she drove passed the Biblical Zoo, sweet memories floated into her mind; of Ilai standing fascinated beside the bear enclosure; of Ofer climbing on the mosaic statues she so loves; of the playground by the petting zoo. Those were simple times, happier and less complicated. They haven’t been to the zoo for over a year. The kids are still young and she knows she should take advantage of it. In a few short years, they won’t want to be seen with her. They’ll both have their own interests. She needs to talk to Amnon, maybe they’ll go one Saturday. They’ll have a great time, and the children will be over the moon.
“When?” Koby seems puzzled. He’s lying on top of her. Slowly, he gives her nipples a few, last kisses and lifts himself off before slowly getting dressed.
She agonizes over the question before allowing herself to say, “One afternoon, when I’m alone with the kids…” From his reaction, she’s not sure if she should feel relieved or anxious. She stretches. She doesn’t feel like getting up, even though the angle of the rear seat is hurting her back. “I’d like you to meet them,” she adds, “you’ve heard so many stories.”
“I don’t know,” he says, leaning over to the front for his white shirt and putting it on. “I don’t see the point.”
She cringes. Sometimes it’s still hard for her to deal with his cruel honesty. She closes her legs and gropes around for her panties.
“Do they know about me?” he inquires.
“Just that I go riding with you…” she stutters
“With me or on me?”
“With you, you idiot!!” she hits him with her bra, which she found lying beside her.
He raises his arms in surrender, “And what’ll you do if Amnon comes home?”
“Amnon never gets back before seven, usually eight. We’re alone every day between five and seven. Come over, what do you care? I have good coffee, and cookies…”
“Cool,” he gives in.
“Really?” she’s surprised. A moment ago, he was indifferent. In fact, he’s still indifferent, despite agreeing to come.
“Don’t you want quality time with your children?” he asks.
“Don’t you want to see me more than two, three times a week?”
He laughs, “Thirty-love to you. Okay, just say when.”
“Tomorrow,” she says, “so I have time to bake cookies.”
Around noon, she calls her mother and asks her if she feels like making makroudh.
Esther agrees immediately. Anything for her Hagar. Anything for the family, and then she remembers that she doesn’t have any dates at home. Hagar volunteers to buy some, she’ll have time between work and Ilai’s preschool, it’ll be fine. Esther offers to send Menachem to the store but Hagar insists. That’s the least she can do. Tomorrow afternoon, there’ll be cookies.
At a quarter to five she arrives at the preschool with three packets of vacuum-packed date spread. She bought extra, just in case. She left a little early today, after arriving late, but no one cares. Certainly not her. Ilai jumps happily into her arms and they stand there hugging each other. Again, she finds herself looking at the banner, “Welcome to Skylark Preschool.” At least the lice announcement has been removed.
“What did you bring me?” he asks.
“Date spread,” she laughs.
He grimaces in disgust. “What’ll you make with it?” he asks suspiciously.
“Grandma is making makroudh for us,” she tells him.
“I don’t like makroudh!” he protests.
She strokes his soft, sweaty hair and reminds herself that she has to take care of herself. “I know, sweetie,” she says with an accommodating smile, “but I do.”
He’s at the door at ten after five. Her cheeks are flushed and she’s well-groomed, as always. You can’t tell that she walked in from work just fifteen minutes ago. She’s already fixed her smudged makeup and combed her hair. The makroudh are in a tin box on the counter, and the coffee is brewing.
“This is Ilai,” she says and points to the boy glued to her leg, “and this is Ofer,” she points to the boy sitting in the big armchair in the middle of the living room, absorbed in a PlayStation game.
“Yo! What is that, Knack?” Koby asks and a youthful spark appears in his eyes.
Ofer is surprised and says yes.
“Let me play a little,” Koby says and sits down next to Ofer on the single armchair. Ofer is even more surprised and looks worriedly at Hagar. She nods reassuringly and he hands the controls to Koby.
“So, what character am I playing?” he asks earnestly and Ofer explains. Within a few minutes they’re both immersed in the game. Ofer offers advice and Koby does as he’s told. She smiles and goes to get the coffee.
Ofer is fascinated by Koby’s open playfulness and immediately falls in love with him all over again. Her heart swells with happiness. Even Ofer loves him! All that’s left for him is to win Ilai over!
That happens about half an hour later, when they sit together on the carpet, drinking coffee and eating the makroudh. Koby tells Ilai that when he was little, he also hated dates, and then he pulls such a face that Ilai bursts out laughing. “What else do you hate?” Koby asks and Ilai says lots of things. Within an instant, Ofer is contributing his part to the debate and the three of them count all the disgusting foods that exist in the world.
“Hardboiled eggs!” Ilai says enthusiastically.
“Zucchini!” Ofer shouts.
And Koby suggests adding ptcha, and then explains to the two, who’ve never heard of it, what it is: “Ptcha—doesn’t your grandma make it? Jellied calves’ feet!”
They’ve never heard such a funny name before, for such a weird dish.
She’s rolling with laughter. She hasn’t laughed so freely for a long time. For a few moments she allows herself to pretend that this is her life, and that he is the father of her children. He’s just come home from work and they’re sitting together sharing quality time, after which he’ll shower the boys, make dinner for the four of them and get the kids to bed. For dessert, they’ll have passionate sex. She takes a sip of coffee and sighs.
“When will you come again?” Ofer asks at seven, when Koby is leaving. Amnon’s on his way. He just sent a message. Ofer and Ilai have finished their omelet and salad and it’ll soon be shower time.
“I don’t know…” Koby answers, “when you invite me, I guess.”
“Tomorrow?” Ofer asks with bright eyes, “I have lots more PlayStation games!”
Koby laughs. She laughs too.
“I’ll arrange it with Mom, okay?” he promises and says goodbye to the kids, who are still thirsty for attention.
She accompanies him to the door. She’s dying to kiss him but she mustn’t. Ilai is hanging onto her leg. “When is our lesson?” he asks and she says tomorrow. A few more hours, and she’ll finally be able to touch him.
She stays leaning against the doorframe until he closes the gate behind him and is swallowed up by his dusty car.
“Is that man also Anat from preschool’s teacher?” Ilai asks as he finally releases the grip on her leg.
“Yes, sweetie,” she answers patiently and closes the door.
“Then why have I n
ever seen him at preschool?” he inquires.
She laughs and goes to wash the children’s dinner dishes. To ingratiate himself with the kids, Koby made a pact with them to eat all their vegetables for them. The kids were obviously delighted.
“Why would he come to the preschool?” she asks, “Just because he teaches her how to ride?”
“He came to visit us,” Ilai explains and his big eyes look at her questioningly, “so maybe he also goes to visit Anat at her house?” he doesn’t relent.
Rattled, she shrugs and tries to dismiss the thought, “I have no idea, honey,” she answers, “I only know that they’re good friends…”
“You’re also good friends, right?” he asks.
“Yes,” she answers, “he’s nice, isn’t he?”
Ilai nods enthusiastically and asks if he’ll come again.
“Sure,” she replies immediately, “if you want.” She turns off the faucet and adds, “And now, let’s go shower.”
***
She arrives at the preschool at ten to five to pick up Ilai. As usual, she’s breathless. Luckily she finds a parking space nearby.
Anat is standing in the kitchen leaning on the counter. The few remaining children are running around the main room.
“Anat?” she exclaims, concerned, “Is everything all right?”
Anat immediately straightens up and shakes herself, “Yes, yes,” her voice sounds shaky. She sniffs, pastes a broad smile on her face and walks up to her. “Ilai-chick,” she says warmly, “come, let me give you a hug before you go home.”
Ilai accepts the offer happily.
She looks at her. Her eyes are red.
“What’s the matter?” she asks just as Ilai remembers he needs to pee and runs to the bathroom so he won’t have an accident.
Anat waves her hand dismissively, “Nothing, you know, the usual…”
“Your husband?” she asks empathetically.
“I think it’s safe to say my ex-husband,” she snorts bitterly.
“Really?” She’s not sure if this is good news or not. From Anat’s red, puffy eyes, she believes that it’s not at all good.
Riding Lies Page 9