“That’s hunger of a different kind,” she smiles, “and no, I don’t have much of an appetite. Not for food, that is.”
“Something’s troubling you,” he notes as he cuts his steak into wide strips.
“You eat like a little boy,” she examines his plate and laughs.
“You’ve only just noticed?” he stings gently.
She rests her hand on his. She loves him so much. She needs him. Like an addict who needs drugs.
He notices an unfamiliar ring on one of her fingers. “Is that new?” he asks and points to it with his chin.
“Yes…” she chuckles, “Amnon has lost his mind recently…flowers, chocolate, jewelry…”
“Well, what do you want?” Koby laughs, “he’s wooing you. Let him…”
“It’s unnecessary,” she says, shaking her head.
“He’s fighting for you, Hagar,” he points out and shoves a piece of steak in his mouth, “he’s fighting for his life.”
She doesn’t respond. She’s not happy, and suddenly she asks, between the salad and the steak, “Do you love me?”
The question hangs in the air and refuses to dissipate. He looks at her and smiles.
“Sorry,” she says, “you don’t have to answer, Koby.”
“Sure I do,” he says and she wonders what he’s responding to, her question or her statement. “Hagar, stop beating yourself up with such pointless, stupid questions. What difference does it actually make? What will my answer give you? Yes or no. And then what? You can feel it inside, don’t you? I’m inside your body at least twice a week, I don’t think you really need more proof than that, right?”
“Koby, you’re a bullshitter from the land of bullshitters,” she declares and wipes her mouth with a napkin.
“I know,” his eyes smile, “but that’s part of my charm.”
“Admittedly.”
“Then what are you so concerned about, Hagari?” he asks, giving her his full attention.
“About life,” she sighs.
“But you have everything! What could you possibly have to be worried about?”
“I have everything and I have nothing,” she answers sourly and carries on playing with the lettuce on her plate, lifting and lowering it with her fork.
He says nothing.
“I’m pretty sure that Amnon knows,” she blurts out.
“Amnon knows, but he’s not doing a thing,” Koby says, “drop it. It’s his way of accepting things.”
She massages her tight brow. “He wants to join the biking group,” she says.
“Let him join,” Koby leans back, his legs spread, “it really doesn’t worry me.”
“It does me!” she says, “It’s my group. It’s my place.”
“It’s many people’s place,” he argues, “it doesn’t matter, Hagar. As long as he doesn’t get into bed with us, nothing matters. So he’ll join the group, who cares? He’ll bike with us and be happy! You must give him something, a branch to hold onto…”
“Don’t you get what he’s doing?” she asks, “Don’t you see?”
“I see, Hagar,” he says quietly, “I see everything. But Amnon is weak. He doesn’t really have the strength to object…”
“Amnon’s not weak!” she suddenly finds herself defending her husband, “He really loves me. And the kids. He doesn’t want to break up our home.”
“Fine,” he says quickly, “you also don’t want to break up your home, and nor do I. Then the three of us are in agreement.”
“How would you react if I got divorced?” she dares to ask.
“I would tell you that you’re making a mistake,” he answers after thinking briefly, “I would tell you that you can have both worlds and that you have no reason to give one up. I can’t give you what Amnon gives you, only what I can give you. And that’s why I say there’s nothing wrong with having the best of both worlds.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t understand…. Wouldn’t you want me all to yourself? Don’t you care that I get into bed with Amnon every night?”
He shrugs, “I told you that I’m not the jealous type. I’m completely void of that feeling.”
“I’m not sure that’s such a good thing…” she says and glances at her watch. She has to get back to work. “That’s a kind of emotional disability, Koby.”
“Maybe,” he has no problem with the diagnosis, “but I’m content this way. I see no reason to fix what’s not broken.”
She signals to the waiter that they want the bill and takes out her wallet. “Why did you advise Anat to get divorced?” She’s not prepared to drop the matter.
“Why are you comparing yourself with Anat?” he asks, frowning. Why is she, really? She doesn’t know.
“Anat was suffering in her marriage,” he explains, “You aren’t. You have a happy marriage, Hagar. There is no reason to ruin it.”
She sighs and pays the bill.
“What are you doing this afternoon?” he asks.
“I have no idea,” she answers, “Amnon will probably surprise us by coming home early to see what we’re doing…”
He chuckles. “Hang in there, beautiful,” he leans in and whispers, “it’s a period of adjustment. Amnon is learning to accept the situation. He’s trying to control what he can, but you know that he can’t control everything…”
“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Koby,” she says, aching for his touch, for his warm breath, for his soft lips, but she knows she mustn’t. They’re in public. They’ll have time in a couple of days, and the world will grind to a stop, and he’ll become a part of her body and she of his, and there’ll be no one else in the world but them.
***
At two o’clock on Friday, they drop the kids off at Anucha and Menachem. They’re both in riding gear. Their cousins will be there soon and Anucha has stocked up with her grandchildren’s favorite treats. Menachem has prepared ear plugs.
“Enjoy yourselves!” Anucha calls out and closes the door behind them. Amnon starts the jeep and drives off with determination.
A cool wind is there to welcome them when they get out of the jeep and unload the bikes. Today they’ll be riding in the city. Koby wants to explain a few points and to ensure that everyone understands the technique. They are expected to go up and down a few stairways and to practice drops a little more. The next group trip is planned for a month’s time, this time to the north. She’s planning on going, even though she knows she’ll have to drag Amnon along with her, like a weight.
“What a pair you two make!” Anat comes over to them, “Way to go on the team spirit. Where did you leave Ilai-chick?” she asks, and Amnon tells her he’s with his parents and that they plan on making this a tradition. He’s officially joined the group.
“That’s great,” Anat smiles, “it’s wonderful that you’re riding together.”
She doesn’t answer, just smiles politely. Does Anat know something? Hagar wonders to herself. Did Koby tell her or did she find out herself? Maybe she really thinks it’s nice that Amnon chose to join.
From the corner of her eye, she notices Noga hugging Koby. He has his arm around her narrow waist and he’s laughing. Idiot. What’s so funny?
Anat notices her staring at the two of them and hastily looks away and concentrates on the bike in front of her.
Koby comes over to Amnon and hold out his hand to shake it. “Nice to see you again,” he says.
Amnon nods politely but doesn’t hold his out in return. In the end, Koby takes the hint and drops his hand.
“It’s great that you’re joining the group,” he makes an attempt at conversation, but clearly Amnon has no interest in talking to him.
“You’ll be seeing a lot of me from now on,” Amnon says with a false smile, “you’d better get used to it…”
Koby laughs and says he doesn’
t feel threatened. On the contrary—the more the merrier.
She’s about to explode. Are they going to hold a big competition? Enough already, stop talking to each other! Why won’t Koby relent?!
A new woman drives up, parks her big, black car in the parking lot, lowers her bike and joins them.
“Everyone, meet Eva,” Koby says, his eyes smiling, “she’ll be trying to ride with us today.”
She looks her over. She’s suntanned, her body’s firm, a little muscly, even. Her fair hair is gathered in the nape of her neck. She looks about her age, Swedish, or at the very least Russian. And she’s attractive, too. She feels like strangling her.
“Erez,” Koby asks, “would you like to assist Eva today?”
“I’m quite used to it,” Erez smiles and drags his bike to the end of the line that’s beginning to form. Eva follows him. She looks at her butt, her thighs. She can see everything through her pants. Her eyes wander over to Koby. Can he also see everything? Sure, he can, it’s hard to miss. Is he really faithful to her? All she can think about right now is the crap he’s told her, about jealousy and expanding hearts, about having the ability to give love to more than one person. Does she believe all that? Her eyes shift to Amnon. He’s wearing a helmet, black riding pants and sunglasses. Amnon gallantly offers to ride behind her. She doesn’t refuse. She has no interest in looking at his sweaty back the entire way, she’s here to disengage, to not think, to enjoy herself. And he—she knows—prefers to ride behind her so he can watch what’s going on around him. As if that’s going to help. As she’s said a million times, he’s pathetic.
***
It’s night and she can’t fall asleep. As a matter of fact, she hasn’t slept for a while. Her thoughts are relentless, penetrating even her dreams. Koby. Amnon. The boys. Mom and Dad. And sometimes Ela. Menachem and his security cameras. The desert at sunrise. The backseat of Koby’s car. The pleasure and release she so craves. Anat crying in the kitchen at preschool. Liron and her salad. Shaked having a sword fight with Ofer. Narrow strips of sweat on her silk panties. Her body arching, her breaths rhythmic. Her mother’s makroudh. The clicking of her wheels when she’s riding. Amnon’s gold earrings. Sweltering Eilat, packed with tourists. The sounds Amnon makes when he’s on top of her. The smell of semen. Chopped vegetable salad. Heaps of laundry.
***
On the Jewish New Year, they meet to ride along Nahal Zofim. Amnon parks the jeep by the light rail station in Givat HaMivtar. Esther came over to look after the kids, who were still sleeping when they left. They’ll be back within two, two and a half hours, no more, Amnon promises, and Esther insists that there’s no rush.
It’s six in the morning and the lot slowly fills up with cars. Koby is making herbal tea for everyone, something hot to sooth their throats before they set out. Noga opens two packets of cookies and places them by the cups of tea. Amnon asks if they’ve come to ride or to sit in a café but no one responds.
She looks around intently. Where’s Anat? Where is Orly? Has Anat not recovered yet? Is Orly by her side? Her heart aches. It must be so difficult, divorce. How does a person get through it? Will she manage to build herself back up, or maybe even find someone new to love? She went over with Amnon to Anat’s new apartment on Friday morning, just as she’d promised. Anat, who’d taken a day’s vacation for the move, looked emotional and frazzled, and couldn’t stop thanking them. By lunchtime, Ammon had assembled the table and bed, and she’d helped to organize the bedroom and Nadav’s room.
“People,” Koby opens and interrupts her agonizing thoughts, “this morning we’ll be doing the Nahal Zofim trail.”
Avi cheers. She looks around to see who’s arrived. Eva, the new woman, is standing tall in her designer biking gear and listening carefully to Koby’s explanations. I hope she falls. It’s only her second ride...how can she already be coming on such a hard single?
“We’ll pass by the Umm Al Amad cave,” Koby continues, “one of the most impressive burial caves in the Jerusalem area. Further on we’ll see ancient quarries and a few other burial caves. It’s a single flow trail, mostly paved and there aren’t many technical challenges, so you’ll be able to enjoy the scenery. There’s a fantastic view point over the Ramat Shlomo neighborhood, and the Chabad synagogue of course, which is—for those who don’t know—a copy of the synagogue at the Chabad world headquarters in Brooklyn. Some of you may know it by the name seven hundred and seventy, it’s street number. The building is covered with red stone, you can’t miss it. We’ll see it later.”
“Perhaps we can leave already, instead of wasting time on idle chatter?” Amnon asks impatiently, “There are people here with young children at home…”
She feels her cheeks flush brightly. How dare he talk that way and embarrass her in front of her group?!
“Yes,” Koby agrees and starts packing up his gas burner, “I hope everyone’s brought enough water with.”
Meanwhile, Noga packs up the remaining cookies and the group prepares to leave. “Get in line and in ready position,” Koby says and places his tea-making equipment in the trunk of his car.
She overtakes Amnon and finds herself a different spot, between a woman who appears to be around her age, and a bearded man, probably a pensioner. She’s never seen either of them before. They must be from one of Koby’s other groups.
Amnon is left behind but she doesn’t care. Out of sight out of mind. She gets into ready position and they start out. She peddles with all her strength, doing her best to shift her weight back and forth according to the lay of the land, playing with the height of the saddle with impressive skill, and for a moment she wonders if Amnon is keeping up. Finally, she can detach herself, feel the adrenaline rushing through her body like an addictive drug, allow the wind to whistle in her ears, stroke her face, crack her lips. The landscape is changing: dusty olive trees, humpbacked pine trees, ancient tombs, yellow grass dried by the summer heat that is still making its mark. The ticking of the wheels makes her smile. For a short while, she’s in the moment and free to fly through the open spaces. Without Koby, without Amnon.
***
“Did you have to be so nasty?” she barks at him in their way home. The kids are up and Esther has taken them to her place for now. She had to start preparing lunch and Menachem promised to go with them to the park. Amnon and Hagar will join them at twelve. Amnon’s two nephews are expected to come with their families.
Another sickly-sweet holiday meal awaits her. She wishes she could get out of it somehow. She takes off her clothes and gets into the shower in the en-suite bathroom, leaving the door wide open so she can continue to bark at Amnon.
“How exactly was I nasty?” Amnon feigns innocence, or maybe he really doesn’t understand, she’s not sure. He strips off his sweaty clothes and drops them in the laundry basket. Cinderella will wash them later.
“With your sarcastic, unpleasant remarks, Amnon!” she says as she washes her hair under the stream of hot water.
“I simply said what I felt at the moment, that’s all” he says and takes off his underpants. They have damp streaks and they reek of sweat. He holds them carefully by the edge before tossing them, too, into the basket.
“Mature people have filters, you know,” she says and frantically scrubs her hair. The intoxicating scent of oranges fills the room and blends with the smell of sweat.
“And I didn’t feel like using my filters today,” he replies, “you’re making a big deal out of nothing!”
“You provoked Koby. A few times, before we biked and afterward, when we finished the trail and sat down to rest. You behaved like an ass, Amnon. Don’t feign innocence. You know exactly what I’m talking about!”
“Can I come in?” he asks.
“No!” she shoots angrily.
“So at least hurry up!” he demands, annoyed, “I’m cold and I stink and I’m bored.”
“Wow, those
are such serious problems,” she mutters and closes her eyes while she washes the shampoo from her hair.
He leans naked on the counter and waits. He hears the faucet turn. She opens the shower door and wraps herself in a large towel.
“You can’t push yourself into my group and behave in that way,” she says venomously and steps out. Her feet leave large prints on the mat.
He’s not deterred. “Hagar,” he says coldly, “that group is not yours. It’s an open biking group. I can do whatever I want.”
She closes her fists in anger. “You embarrassed me! You have no right! It’s my place!”
“Well, now it’s my place too,” he says and steps into the shower, “and you’d better get used to it. We’re a couple. We go everywhere together.”
“Damn you and your insecurities!” she screams and kicks the glass door to the stall. The door shakes but remains firm.
“You give me every reason to be insecure!” he shouts through the veil of water, “don’t pin it on me!”
“Perhaps if you were a bit more open and less narrow-minded, you’d understand that there is no basis for your insecurity, Amnon,” she says quietly, “I’m not leaving you, you can relax.”
Amnon doesn’t respond. A brief silence hangs in the air and only the soft sound of water fills the room.
“I love you, Amnon,” she says, “and you’re a part of me. We started a family together and it’s as important to me to protect it as it is to you.” She stops, choosing her words carefully. “You’re a wonderful husband and you give me so much, but you know, we all have our limitations. There are things that you cannot give me.”
Amnon turns off the water but refuses to leave the stall. His hand clings to the milky shower wall.
“Maybe if you weren’t so set in your ways,” she continues, “if you weren’t so jealous, if you truly wanted the best for me, everything would have been different. And maybe then, we could have truly been happy.”
The shower door jerks open. “I’m happy with you, Hagar,” he says, his voice trembling. His eyes are red and swollen, “or at least I was. You’re the one who went to graze in other fields. You can’t have it both ways, it just doesn’t work like that. You’ll have to make a choice.”
Riding Lies Page 12