M*A*S*H

by Richard Hooker

  "Anybody ever ask you to play pro football, boy?" Spearchucker said.

  "I get your point," Hawkeye said.

  "My arm is sore," declared Trapper. "I don't think I can play."

  "What do we do?" asked Henry.

  "Y'all are the coach," Duke said. "How about it, Coach?"

  "I guess we have to play," Henry said, his dreams of gold and glory gone.

  "The bastards outconned us," Hawkeye said.

  "Maybe not," Spearchucker said. "We'll think of something."

  "Like what?" Duke said.

  "Like getting that halfback out of there as soon as we can," Spearchucker said.

  "You know him?" Duke said.

  "No," Spearchucker said, "but I've seen him. He played only one year second-string with the Rams before the Army got him. He's a colored boy who weighs only about 180, but he's a speed burner and one of those hot dogs."

  "What does that mean?" Henry said.

  "I mean," Spearchucker said, "that when he sees a little running room he likes to make a show—you know, stutter steps and cross-overs and all that jazz. He runs straight up and never learned to button up when he gets hit, so I think that, if you can get a good shot at him, you can get him out of there."

  "Then let's kick off to them," the Duke said, "and get him right away."

  "Good idea," Henry said.

  "No," Spearchucker said. "He'll kill you in an open field. You've got to get him in a confined situation, where he hesitates and hangs up."

  "Good idea," Henry said.

  "Sure," Hawkeye said, "but how do we do that?"

  "They'll run him off tackle a lot from strong right," Spearchucker said, "or send him wide. Hawkeye has to play him wide and turn him in, and when he makes his cut to the left he's gonna do that cross-over and Duke has to hit him high and Hawkeye low."

  "Great idea!" Henry said. "That'll show that Hammond."

  "Yeah," Duke said, "but can we do it?"

  "It's the only way to do it," Spearchucker said. "If you don't get him the first time, he'll give you plenty of other chances."

  "But when we unload him, if we can," Hawkeye said, "we'll have to break his leg to keep him from coming back in."

  "Not necessarily," Trapper John said. "I got an idea."

  "What is it?" Henry said.

  "Tell you later," Trapper said, "if it works."

  Trapper John excused himself, left The Swamp, walked over to Henry's tent and made a phone call. He talked for five minutes, and when he came back his teammates and their coach were dwelling on the problem presented by the two tackles from the Browns.

  "We run nothing inside until I get into the game in the second half," Spearchucker was explaining. "These two big boys must be twenty or thirty pounds overweight. We run everything wide, except for maybe an occasional draw for Duke up the middle to take advantage of their rush on Trapper when he passes."

  "God help me," Trapper said.

  "And me, too," Duke said.

  "In other words," Spearchucker said, "the idea is to run the legs off 'em that first half. I think that will be all the edge I will require, gentlemen."

  "Right," Henry said. "Imagine that Hammond, trying to pull something like that."

  On the day of Thanksgiving the kick-off was scheduled for 10:00 a.m., so shortly after the crack of dawn the 4077th MASH football team, the Red Raiders of the Imjin, all fifteen of them, plus their coach, their water boy and assorted rooters, took off in jeeps and truck. The Swampmen rode together in the same jeep and in silence. No bottle was passed and no cigarettes were smoked, and when they arrived in Yong-Dong-Po and headed for the Quonset assigned to the team as dressing quarters Trapper John excused himself and disappeared.

  "Where the hell have you been?" Hawkeye asked him, when their quarterback finally returned just in time to suit up and loosen his arm.

  "Yeah," the Duke said. "We thought y'all went over the hill."

  "Had to see a man about a hot dog," Trapper said. "Good old Austin from Boston."

  "Who?" Duke asked.

  "About what?" Hawkeye said.

  "Tell you about it if it works," Trapper said. "You two clods just take care of the halfback."

  "All right, men," Henry was saying. "I want you to listen to me. Let's have some quiet in here. This game …"

  He went into a Pat O'Brien-plays-Knute Rockne, stalking up and down and invoking their pride in themselves, their organization, the colors they wore and their bank accounts. When he finished, out of words and out of breath, his face was as red as their jerseys, and he turned them loose to meet the orange and black horde of Hammond.

  "Look at the size of those two beasts," Trapper John said, spotting the two tackles from the Browns.

  "We know," Duke said. "We were out here before. This is gonna take courage."

  "I ain't got any," Trapper said.

  "Me neither," Jeeter Carroll said.

  "God help us," Trapper said.

  Hawkeye, because it had been his idea to play the game in the first place, was sent out now, as captain, to face the two tackles for the coin toss. When he came back he reported that he had lost the toss and that they would have to kick off.

  "Now keep it away from the speed-burner," Spearchucker instructed the Duke. "Kick it to anybody else but him."

  "That's right," said Henry, regaining his breath. "Kick it to anybody else but him."

  "I know," the Duke assured them. "Y'all think I'm crazy?"

  "Let's go get 'em men!" Henry said.

  The Duke kicked it away from the halfback who had played a year of second-string with the Rams. He kicked it as far away from him as he could, but the enemy was of a different mind. The individual who caught the ball, by the simple maneuver of just running laterally and handing off, saw to it that the halfback who had played a year of second-string with the Rams got the ball. The next thing they knew, the Red Raiders of the Imjin saw an orange and black blur and they were lining up to try to prevent the point after touchdown, an effort which also failed.

  "Stop him!" Henry was screaming on the sidelines. "Stop that man!"

  "Yeah," the Duke was saying as they distributed themselves to receive the kick-off. "Y'all give me a rifle and I might stop him, if they blindfold him and tie him to a stake."

  When the kick came, it came to the Duke on the ten and he ran it straight ahead to the thirty before they brought him down. On the first play from scrimmage Trapper sent Hawkeye, playing at left half until Spearchucker could get into the game, around right end. Hawkeye made two yards, and Pete Rizzo, at right half, picked up two more around the other flank.

  "Third and six," Hawkeye said, as they came back to huddle. "I'll run a down and out."

  "I'll run a down and in," Jeeter Carroll said, "but throw it to Hawkeye."

  "My arm is sore," Trapper said.

  "Y'all gotta throw," Duke said.

  "God help us," Trapper said.

  By the time he had taken the snap and hustled back, Trapper John knew that his blocking pocket had collapsed. He knew it because the two tackles from the Browns were descending upon him, and he ran. He ran to the right and turned and ran to the left.

  "Good!" Spearchucker was calling from the sidelines. "Run the legs off those two big hogs!"

  "Throw it!" Henry was shouting. "Throw it!"

  Trapper threw it. Hawkeye caught it. When he caught it he lugged it to the enemy forty-nine. That was about as far as that drive went, and with fourth and five on the forty-four, Duke went back to punt.

  "Don't try for distance," Hawkeye told him. "Kick it up there so we can get down and surround that sonofabitch."

  "Yeah," Duke said, "if I can."

  He kicked it high and, as it came down, the halfback who had played a year of second-string with the Rams, waiting for it on his twenty, saw red jerseys closing in. He called for a fair catch.

  "A hot dog," Spearchucker said, on the sidelines. "A real hot dog."

  "A hot dog," Hawkeye said to Duke as they lined up
. "Spearchucker had him right."

  "Yeah," Duke said. "Let's try to take him, like the Chucker said."

  When the play evolved, it was also as Spearchucker had called it. The halfback who had played a year of second-string with the Rams went in motion from his left half position, took a pitch out, turned up through the line off tackle and tried to go wide. When he saw Hawkeye, untouched by blockers, closing in from the outside, he made his cut. He made that beautiful cross-over, the right leg thrust across in front of the left, and just at the instant when he looked like he was posing for the picture for the cover of the game program, poised as he was on the ball of his left foot, the other leg in the air and one arm out, he was hit. From one side he was hit at the knees by 200 pounds of hurtling former Androscoggin College end, and from the other he was hit high by 195 pounds of former Georgia fullback.

  "Time!" one of the former Brown tackles was calling. "Time!"

  It took quite some time. In about five minutes they got the halfback who had played a year of second-string with the Rams on his feet, and they assisted him to the sidelines and sat him down on the bench.

  "How many fingers am I holding up?" General Hammond, on his knees in front of his offensive star and extending the digits of one hand, was asking. "Fifteen," his star replied.

  "Take him in," the General said, sadly. "Try to get him ready for the second half."

  So they took him across the field and into the 325th Evac. As the Swampmen watched him go, Trapper John was the first to speak.

  "That," Trapper John said, "takes care of that. Scratch one hot dog."

  "Y'all think he's hurt that bad?" the Duke asked.

  "Hell, no," Trapper said, "but we won't see him again."

  "I suspect something," Hawkeye said.

  "Explain."

  "An old Dartmouth roomie of mine," Trapper explained, "is attached to this cruddy outfit. I called him the other night, after Spearchucker outlined the plot, and told him to put in for Officer of the Day today."

  "I'm beginning to get it," Hawkeye said.

  "This morning," Trapper went on, "I paid him a visit and cut him in for a piece of our bet. Right now Austin from Boston is going to place that hot dog under what is politely called heavy sedation, where he will dwell for the rest of the game and probably the rest of the day."

  "Trapper," Hawkeye said, "you are a genius."

  "Y'all know something?" the Duke said. "I think we can beat these Yankees now."

  "Time!" the referee was screaming, between blasts on his whistle. "Do you people want to play football or talk all day?"

  "If we have a choice," Hawkeye said, as they started to line up, "we prefer to talk."

  "But you ain't got a choice," one of the tackles from the Browns said, "and you'll get yours now."

  "What do y'all mean?" the Duke said. "It was clean."

  "Yeah," Hawkeye said, "and you'll have to catch us first." On that drive the enemy was stopped on the seven, and had to settle for the field goal that made it 10-0. For their part, the Red Raiders devoted most of their offensive efforts to pulling the corks of the two tackles, running them from one side of the field to the other. Midway in the second quarter they managed a score after Ugly John had fallen on a fumble on the enemy nineteen. Two plays later Hawkeye caught a wobbling pass lofted by a still fleeing Trapper John and fell into the end zone. Just before the end of the half the home forces rammed the ball over once more, so the score was 17-7 when both sides retired for rest and resuscitation.

  "Very good, gentlemen," Spearchucker, who had been pacing the sideline helmeted and wrapped in a khaki blanket, told them as they filed in. "Very good, indeed."

  "Yeah," Trapper John said, slumping to the floor, "but I gotta have a …"

  "… beer, sir?" said Radar O'Reilly, who had been serving during the time-outs as water boy.

  "Right," Trapper said, taking the brew. "Thank you."

  "Tell you what," Hawkeye said. "They got us now by ten, so we ought to be able to get two to one. Coach?"

  "Yes, sir?" Henry said. "I mean, yes?"

  "You better get over there quick," Hawkeye said, "and grab that Hammond and try to get the rest of that bundle down at two to one."

  "Yes, sir," Henry said. "I mean, yes. What's the matter with me, anyway?"

  "Nothin ' , Coach," Duke said. "Y'all are doing a real fine job."

  Henry was back in less than five minutes. He reported that he had failed to get as far as the other team's dressing room. Halfway across the field he had been met by General Hammond who, having just checked on the health of his offensive star, had found him still under sedation. As Henry described him, the General was extremely irate.

  "He was so mad," Henry said, "that he wanted to know if we'd like to get any more money down."

  "Did you all tell him yes?" Duke wanted to know. "He was so mad," Henry said, "that he said he'd give us three to one."

  "And you took it?" Trapper said. "I got four to one," a gleeful Henry said. "Great, Coach!" they were shouting now. "How to go, Coach!"

  "But," Henry said, the elation suddenly draining from his face, as he thought of something, "we still have to win."

  "Relax, coach," Spearchucker assured him. "If these poor white trash will just give me the ball and then direct 'their attentions to the two gentlemen from Cleveland, Ohio, I promise you that I shall bring our crusade to a victorious conclusion."

  Henry gave them then a re-take of his opening address. He paced the floor in front of them, waving his arms, exhorting, praising, pleading until, once more, his face and neck were of the same hue as their jerseys and once more, and for the last time, he sent them out to do or die.

  As the Red Raiders of the Imjin distributed themselves to receive the kick-off, Captain Oliver Wendell Jones took a position on the goal line. The ball was not kicked to him, but the recipient, Captain Augustus Bedford Forrest, made certain that he got it. Without significant Interference, Captain Jones proceeded to the opposite end zone. Captain Forrest then kicked the extra point, bringing the score to 17-14, and while the teams dragged themselves back upfield, the two tackles from the Browns were seen loping over to their sideline. There they were observed in earnest conversation with General Hamilton Hartington Hammond who, as the two lumbered back onto the field, was seen shaking his fist in the direction of Lieutenant Colonel Henry Braymore Blake.

  "Those two tackles, sir," Radar O'Reilly informed his colonel, "told General Hammond that they recognize Captain Jones, sir."

  "Roll it up!" Henry, ignoring both his corporal and his general, was screaming. "Roll it up!"

  "Keep it down," advised Hawkeye. "We may want to do this again."

  "We may not have to worry about that," Spearchucker, still breathing heavily, informed them. "I guess I'm not in the shape I thought I was. This may still be a battle."

  It was. It was primarily a battle between the two tackles and Spearchucker, with certain innocent parties, such as Ugly John and the Painless Pole and Vollmer, the sergeant from Supply and center from Nebraska, in the middle. When the Red Raiders got the ball again they went ahead for the moment, as Spearchucker scored once more on a forty-yard burst, but then the enemy surged back to grind out another and, with three minutes to play the score was Hammond 24, Blake 21, first-and-ten for the home forces on the visitors' thirty-five-yard line.

  "We gotta stop 'em here," Spearchucker said.

  "We need a time-out," Trapper John said, "and some information."

  "Time-out!" Hawkeye called to the referee.

  "Radar," Trapper John said, when Radar O'Reilly came in with the water bucket and the towels, "do you think you can monitor that kaffee-clatch over there?"

  He nodded toward the other team, gathered around their quarterback.

  "I think I can, sir," Radar said. "I can try, sir."

  "Well, goddammit, try."

  "Yes, sir," Radar said, fixing his attention on the other huddle.

  "What are they saying?"

  "Well, sir," Ra
dar said, "the quarterback is saying that they will run the old Statue of Liberty, sir. He's saying that their left end will come across and take the ball off his hand and try to get around their right end."

  "Good," Spearchucker said. "What else are they saying?"

  "Well, sir," Radar said, "now the quarterback is saying that, if that doesn't work, they'll go into the double wing."

  "Good," the Duke said.

  "Ssh!" Hawkeye said. "What are they gonna do out of the double wing?"

  "Well, sir," Radar said, "they're having an argument now. Everybody is talking so it's confusing."

  "Keep listening."

  "Yes, sir. Now one of the tackles is telling them all to shut up. Now the quarterback is saying that, out of the double wing, the left halfback will come across and take the hand-off and start to the right. Then he'll hand off to the right halfback coming to the left."

  "Radar," Hawkeye said, "you're absolutely the greatest since Marconi."

  "Greater," Trapper John said.

  "Thank you, sir," Radar said. "That's very kind of you, sir."

  "Time!" the referee was calling. "Time!"

  It was as Radar O'Reilly had heard it. On the first play the enemy quarterback went back, as if to pass. As he did, the left end started to his right, and the Red Raiders, all eleven of them, started to their left. The left end took the ball off the quarterback's hand, brought it down, made his cut and met a welcoming committee of ten men in red, only Ugly John, temporarily buried under 265 pounds of tackle, failing to make it on time.

  "Double wing!" Spearchucker informed his associates as the enemy lined up for the next play. "Double wing!"

  "Hut! Hut!" the enemy quarterback was calling. "Hut!"

  This time the left halfback took the hand-off and started to his right. The eleven Red Raiders started to their right and, as the right halfback took the ball from the left halfback, ran to his left and tried to turn in, he, too, was confronted by ten men wearing the wrong colors. This time it was the Painless Pole who, tripping over his own feet, kept the Red Raiders from attaining perfect attendance.

  The first man to hit the halfback was Spearchucker Jones. He hit him so hard that he doubled him over and drove him back five yards, and as the wind came out of the halfback so did the ball. It took some time to find the ball, because it was at the bottom of a pile of six men, all wearing red jerseys.