Fractured Soul

by Rachel McClellan

“You are so much like your mother,” she said. “I’m surprised how much I’ve missed this banter.” She stood up and came around in front of me. She leaned against her desk and said, “I really messed things up with your mother, and I don’t want to do that with you. How about a truce?”

  “Like what?”

  “How about I try to be more aware and open minded and you try to understand what we’re trying to do here. Our safety is everything.”

  “Fine. I’ll try.”

  “Good. Can I get a hug?”

  I stood. “Of course.” Her arms came around me. I was surprised to discover how much her touch reminded me of my mother’s. I resisted the urge to cling to her.

  Finally, Sophie let go and looked at me. “You have so much potential, Llona. I can’t wait to see what you do with your future.”

  * * * * *

  Feeling better about my relationship with Sophie, I crossed campus to return to class. We might not have had a lot in common, but we were family. With so few family members left, I resolved to try harder.

  My etiquette class had already begun, so I slipped in quietly and took the nearest seat. I tried to pay attention to what Ms. Williams was saying, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Britt’s diary. I was itching to read it. I glanced around for a fire alarm but found none.

  A girl next to me raised her hand in response to a question I hadn’t heard.

  “Auras are always polite and kind,” she said and looked at me. I glared back.

  “Exactly,” Ms. Williams said. “Well done, Kim. What about public outbursts? Is that an appropriate behavior for an Aura?”

  I glanced around. What was this? A lesson directed at me? I don’t think so. I raised my hand.

  Ms. Williams seemed surprised to see my arm occupying air space. “Llona?”

  “I think there is a time and place to stand up for what you believe in, no matter who’s around or what’s going on.”

  She pursed her lips. “Actually, Llona, an Aura should always be respectful, and if she has a disagreement with someone it should be handled in private.” Ms. Williams turned to pick up a lesson book, and even though the air was thick with tension, I raised my hand again.

  Ms. Williams looked up; her right eye twitched. “Yes, Llona?”

  “I disagree.” A couple of girls snickered, but I continued. “Sometimes it takes just one person to stand up and voice their opinion. Just one person to make a difference, to make things better.”

  “What are you saying?” Kim asked. “You think you’re in an oppressed society?”

  “Maybe I am.”

  “That’s enough!” Ms. Williams said. “Llona, I think you’ve caused enough of a disruption for today. I’m excusing you for the rest of class.”

  “Really?” I didn’t mean to sound so excited.

  “Yes. I want you to go straight to the library and read over the lesson, and when class is over, you and I will have a little chat.”

  I grabbed my backpack and stood up. “Deal.” To the rest of the class, I couldn’t help but say, “Have fun being brainwashed.”

  I found a quiet spot in the back of the library and sat down. I placed the diary in front of me and stared at its worn blue cover. In a way I felt wrong about what I was doing. This journal didn’t belong to me. It belonged to Britt’s family. They should be the one to read her last words.

  But.

  What if it said something horrible? Maybe it was best that they remember her how she was, before she died. I thought about it for a few more minutes before I chose to read it. I opened the book and scanned the first pages. Britt seemed like a normal girl. She had friends. She did well in school. She even had a crush on one of the Lizen boys. Interesting.

  Britt talked a lot about wanting to be a good Aura. She had plans of marrying a politician, even to go as far as planning his campaign. After that she wanted to use her influence to help impoverished children in other countries. Britt clearly enjoyed life and had a promising future, but then I stumbled across an entry where everything changed:

  October 5

  I had a horrible dream last night. You know the kind that seems so real it haunts you the rest of the day? I haven’t felt the same since.

  In my dream I was in the woods. Not sure how I got there. I was wandering around trying to find the school, and I was freezing cuz I was only in my gown. But then I saw the big wall and I felt better. Circle it until I get to the gates. That’s what I told myself.

  I was about there when a man walked toward me and asked if I was lost. I thought maybe he was a new Guardian, but when I saw he had a tattoo of a blade on his head, I knew he wasn’t. And this is where my dream went south—the tattooed man rushed me and bit into my neck. It hurt something horrible.

  In my dream I tried to fight him, but it was like hitting a concrete wall. And then when I thought I was going to die, another person appeared and pulled the man off me.

  “That’s enough,” he said, and his voice was surprisingly pleasant. Anyway, I couldn’t see this new person’s face, as he was wearing a long robe with a hood over his head.

  He didn’t say anything else, but he did drag away the man who was acting all crazy and still trying to get at my neck. And then I was alone. With all the blood coming out of me, I thought I’d feel pain, but I didn’t. I just lay there until I fell back asleep. When I woke up, I was back in my bed, feeling fine.

  The dream really scared me, but what was even scarier is when I noticed two red holes in my neck. I must’ve scratched myself or something, cuz . . . I don’t know what else it could have been.

  The whole thing was just weird. Hope I can forget about it soon.

  Love,

  Britt

  I stared at the entry, my hands shaking and the book shaking even more. She’d been bitten, like me. My stomach turned over, and my throat quivered. I took several deep breaths to keep from throwing up.

  It took a long time for me to calm down, and when I did I turned my attention back to the diary. After Britt’s “nightmare,” she didn’t write in it as much. Her final entries scanned a two-month time period. The entries where short; her handwriting had become erratic, almost illegible.

  Britt was angry, and she didn’t know why. Everyone bothered her. She was getting into fights. In one entry she wrote:

  I wish I could kill them all.

  The ink was smeared, then:

  What am I saying? What’s happening to me? I’m a monster.

  She wrote, “I’m a monster” over and over until the page was filled. I turned to the final entry. All it said was:

  December. Almost Christmas. Something’s wrong with me. I think I’m possessed. If only I could’ve been a better Aura, but there’s no more time. I have to kill a demon.

  And that was it. I closed the diary and cried. I hurt for Britt. No one knew what she was going through, not even herself. She must’ve felt so alone. I also cried for myself. Her death could very well be my future. I’d rather die too than become a selfish, evil monster that preyed on other Auras.

  Britt’s diary entries only confirmed what Liam had told me. I thought of his offer to help me. If he was telling the truth and there was a way to stop the poison from changing me, I had to try it. And fast.

  As for Christian, what would I tell him now? I had my answer. I thought me being an Aura and him a Guardian was bad enough for our relationship, but how about a half-Vyken and a Guardian? I almost laughed. And then I cried again.

  I glanced up at the clock. Ten more minutes before Ms. Williams came to give me a piece of her mind. Just enough time for me to regain my composure and pretend like I wasn’t turning into a monster.

  * * * * *

  Ms. Williams’s lecture wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I was confused, she thought, because of my “misguided” childhood. She felt bad for me and wanted to help me through my trying time. If only she knew.

  I kept quiet the whole time, thinking only of the diary. When Ms. Williams was finished, she g
ave me a hug. I let her.

  I went to the rest of my classes, the diary weighing heavily on me. I was glad when they were over and returned to my room, where I fell asleep as soon as I collapsed into bed. Too many emotions for one day. But with sleep came more nightmares. Vykens running through the forest, dropping from trees, climbing the walls of Lucent Academy. And on the roof, I was there, waiting to greet them.

  I woke up screaming just as the chimes sounded. It took me a second to realize I was in my room. I let out air real slowly and sat up. Only a dream.

  I took a few minutes to calm down, then headed downstairs. I was about to go inside the dining room when I felt someone tug on me from behind. I turned around. “Christian.” My heart broke.

  Christian wasn’t smiling. “Are you okay? I’ve been looking for you.”

  I shrugged. “I’ve been around.”

  “How’s your head?” he reached up as if to check it, but I stepped away. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “It’s all better. Doesn’t even hurt.” I was about to say more when it looked like a shadow passed overhead and it got noticeably darker.

  I glanced up, but Christian looked to the window. “Sun must’ve gone behind a cloud,” he said and ran his fingers through his hair, tugging on it hard. “Something’s got to change, Llona.”

  I lowered my eyes to his, no longer searching for invisible shadows. “I couldn’t agree more.”

  He sighed, like he was relieved. “Good, because I have to see you more, like every day, even if it means I’m not a Guardian anymore.”

  I gasped and my knees almost gave out. This wasn’t what I was expecting. I shook my head. Just spit it out, Llona! “I think we need some time apart. Just for a little while,” I said quickly. “I need some time.” I couldn’t look at him. I clasped my hands together on my chest in hopes they could hold my heart together.

  Finally Christian spoke. “I don’t understand.”

  I tried again. “It’s not safe for you to like me. I’m not . . . normal.”

  Christian took hold of my arms, regardless of the girls walking by us. “Whatever this is, Llona. We’ll get through it. I love you.”

  I shook his arms off me. “I’m sorry, Christian. Please.” Tears filled my eyes. “Just stay away from me.” I turned and rushed down the hallway, away from the dining room and away from Christian.

  Instead of returning to my cramped, smelly room, I ran from the school, no longer caring who saw me leave. But who would be watching? No one. The Auras were together beneath the light of fancy chandeliers while I raced toward darkness.

  SEVENTEEN

  I ran into the forest, darting around trees, up and over fallen limbs, and thought of Christian. How could he ever want to be with someone like me? A damaged Aura. What future could we possibly have?

  I stopped and gasped for air, my hands on my shaking knees for support. But it wasn’t enough. I stumbled to the ground, onto my back, and looked up. Pieces of the night sky twinkled through the cracks in the tree branches.

  “What are you doing out here?”

  I sat up. Liam was walking toward me. I grunted and fell back into the grass.

  “It’s a school night,” he said.

  “And?”

  “Shouldn’t you be hanging out with friends, studying?”

  “’Cause I fit right in.”

  Several seconds passed before he said, “I meant what I said before. I can help.”

  “I know.” And I will take it as soon as I work up the courage to ask you.

  “I’ve been where you’re at. I know what it feels like.”

  I smirked. “To be a teenage Aura who wants to claw her skin off?”

  “To wish that you’d never wake up. Because when you’re awake all you want to do is destroy everything around you, even yourself. Every breath threatens to suffocate you until you wonder if death would be better.”

  I swallowed hard.

  “You don’t have to feel like that,” he said.

  Two sparkling pieces of sky came together when the wind blew a branch to the side. I sat up again. “How can I trust you?”

  Liam looked around. “Is there anyone else trying to help you? Anyone at all who would understand what you’re going through?”

  I stood. “What do I need to do?”

  “Use your most precious gift.

  “Light? How?”

  “Wow. You’re a lot further gone than I thought if you don’t know what I’m talking about.” He took three steps until he was standing directly in front of me. I resisted the urge to step back from his powerful presence. “When is the last time you used Light?” Liam said.

  I thought about it. “A while.”

  “That’s a problem. The Vyken’s poison inside you is trying to kill everything that’s good about you. And you’re letting it.”

  “I’m not letting it. I’m using Light.”

  “To harm others.”

  I scoffed. “Not others. Bad guys. Is there something wrong with that?”

  “It can be. It all depends on your motivation to use violence. Is it because you’re craving the destruction, or are you trying to help someone, even if it’s yourself?”

  I knew the answer right away but didn’t tell him that. Ever since I’d been bitten, I craved contention and the thrill that came with it.

  Liam continued, “The Vyken’s poison feeds on chaos and death. If you continue on this path, it’s only a matter of time before you do the unforgivable.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Deliberately and knowingly take the life of an innocent soul.”

  I shrunk back, embarrassed. “That deer the other night . . .”

  “Not quite an unforgivable act, but if you would’ve gone through with it, I don’t think you could’ve come back. Taking a life can make one feel extremely powerful. It’s the worst kind of addiction.” Liam leaned toward me, as if he were about to reveal a great secret. “But know this, there’s more power in saving a life. The Vykens will never know this. It’s easy to take lives, but to save them, that’s a lot harder, hence the greater reward.”

  “How do you know I’m not already too far gone?” I looked down at the ground. “It sure feels like it.”

  Liam tilted my chin back up. His hand was surprisingly warm. “Because you’re here, which means you want to change, correct?”

  I nodded.

  “Good. Let’s get started then.” He turned around, surveying the area.

  “Wait, what? Right now?”

  Liam looked back at me. “You have something better to do?”

  I straightened. “What do you want me to do?”

  “Why don’t you show me what you can do? The non-killing stuff, that is.”

  I held my hand in a closed fist in front of me, turned it over, and opened it. A lighted ball the size of an apple appeared. With a single thought, the Light split into several pieces. I raised them into the air and spun them around.

  “Wow,” Liam said, sarcastically. “Not impressed.”

  With a flick of my wrist, I sent the balls flying just over Liam’s head. He had to duck to keep from being hit by the last one.

  “Those sort of look like weapons to me,” Liam said.

  I huffed. “Fine.” I lit another ball; this one I shaped into a thin spear the size of a needle.

  “What’s that supposed to be?” he asked.

  “I made something just like this the other day to pick the lock to the nurse’s office.”

  Liam sighed. “So you used Light to break into somewhere you weren’t supposed to be?”

  The way he said it made it sound all wrong. “That’s not what . . . I don’t know.” I threw up my arms. “You’re confusing me.”

  “No, you’re confused. You can’t tell what’s right and wrong anymore.” He paced in front of me. “I want you to think back, before you were bitten. What did you use Light for?”

  It took me a minute to think. The memories were painful. Tracey.

/>   Liam placed his hand on my arm. “Why is this so hard?”

  I jerked away. “Let’s just get this over with.” I took a deep breath and thought back to the trick Sophie had shown me in the forest back in Utah. Closing my eyes, I focused all my senses. I sought out nearby life, all the creepy crawlies. The process came easily, mainly because a part of me wanted to destroy them all, but I didn’t focus on the darker part. I focused instead on their life force. A burning started deep inside me, warming my insides. When I had located all the life around us, I transferred Light to them.

  I opened my eyes when Liam whistled. It looked like the stars above had fallen to the earth around us.

  “It’s beautiful,” he whispered, as if the sound of his voice might ruin the celestial moment.

  I, on the other hand, struggled to feel it. Liam must’ve noticed my bored expression because he said, “Focus on the connection you have with the living. On how you can make them stronger, better. You have a gift. Use it.”

  I moved around the lights, examining them. Bugs scurried up bark, in and out of the grass. Birds rested high in the trees. A twinkling light just in front of me drew my attention. A butterfly perched on a branch beat its wings, yet it couldn’t fly. “Its wing is broken,” I said to no one. Its life force was waning, making Light flicker within it.

  “You can fix it,” Liam said over my shoulder.

  I continued to stare at the butterfly; Light shined through its blue transparent wings, reminding me of a church’s stained glass window. An ancient instinct raised my hand just above the wounded butterfly. Beneath my palm, Light bathed the butterfly. Its wings began to beat—both of them, fast and furious until the butterfly rose from the limb. As it fluttered away, an indescribable feeling washed over me, and for the first time since Tracey’s death, I felt peace.

  Liam cleared his throat. “Not bad. How do you feel?”

  I turned around to face him but had to step back as he was a little too close for comfort. “A little better, actually.” My chest felt lighter, and I inhaled deeply. “Can I do that with people too?”

  He shook his head. “I doubt it. Besides, it would probably kill you.”

  “Good to know.” I turned around, staring at all of the lights. “There’s something I still don’t understand,” I said and dropped my connection with the forest, extinguishing the light around us. “What’s with the blood?”