by Mj Fields
“I need the bathroom.”
I stepped around him and he followed me down the hall, “Frankie, who the hell hurt you?”
I turned and looked at him, “You did. When she answered your phone and told me you were in the shower. You hurt me, Jax.”
I walked in the bathroom, shutting the door in his stunned face and locked it.
I looked in the mirror at my bruised cheek and bloodstained split lip. My head hurt, hell breathing hurt.
I turned on the shower, took off my tank and shorts and slowly walked in. The water didn’t kiss my skin like it normally did, it bruised instead. I washed my body as best I could and conditioned my hair. I stood and let the water rinse my hair and skin until I ached so badly that I needed to get out.
After brushing my teeth and throwing on my robe, I opened the door and Jax still stood in the same spot I left him.
“You trust me?”
I shook my head no as I walked around him.
“Are you okay?” Mary stood outside of my room.
“I’m sorry, Mary. I’ll be fine, please just pretend it never happened.”
Jax’s growl rumbled behind me.
I could ask him to leave. I should ask him to leave, but I knew he wouldn’t without an explanation as to why I looked the way I did.
I walked in my room and turned, looking back at him.
His jaw twitched and he swallowed hard before speaking. “Two room suite, Frankie. Nothing. Happened.”
I turned away and he grabbed my elbow causing me to flinch and he immediately released my arm.
“Frankie, I need you to tell me you trust me.”
“But you can’t call? Text? Why didn’t you get a separate room? Why didn’t you say no, we aren’t dating on TV? Why, Jax?”
“My phone was dead. We were in separate rooms. I was drunk. I can’t make waves on TV.” He looked down and shook his head. “Tell me who did this to you.”
“I did,” I lied.
I walked over and lay down on my bed with my back facing him.
My bed dipped when he sat on it and even that hurt.
“Where did you go? Why didn’t you answer anyone’s calls? And I am not stupid, tell me who did this to you or I will turn the world upside down until I find out and then I will tear them apart limb by limb.”
I rolled to my back and held my breath so that I didn’t cry out from the pain I was in, and then slowly let it out as he visibly trembled.
His jaw muscles popped and he stood up and ran his hand over his head. “God damn it, Frankie, this is not okay. Whoever did this to you—” He paced at the end of my bed. “You say you love me. You’re full of shit. How does that work without trust? How does that work when you spend half of the fucking time pissed at me? Answer me!”
My eyes filled immediately and a sob escaped as I yelled. “Please, just go.”
“I won’t. I won’t until you answer me. Until you trust me.”
I reached over and grabbed my ear buds, put them in my ears and pressed shuffle so that I could drown him out, to get lost in music which had become my respite from pain in the past.
The bed dipped again and he lay next to me. I opened my eyes when I felt his breath against my cheek. I looked him in the eyes for the first time since I woke to find him here half an hour ago.
His green eyes, normally hardened and full of control, were moist and confusion overtook them. I had never seen him look so hurt and that hurt was worse than any physical pain I was feeling.
“Tell me,” he pleaded in a whisper.
“Jax,” was all I could get out before tears flooded my face.
He softly kissed my tears away and held me. “I don’t want anyone but you. I never have, never will. But this isn’t going to get any easier for a while, Frankie. I have a lot of shit to bury. Tell me you don’t love me and I will do what I should and walk away, but if you do—if you really feel what I feel for you—”
“How do you feel about me Jax? I don’t even know.” I couldn’t help but get angry. He hadn’t even said it back.
“Oh, Frankie.” He closed his eyes and rested his lips against my cheek. “I have never felt what I feel for you. I don’t know how to describe the feeling. I wouldn’t do it justice. There are a million tiny things you do that strengthen the hold you have on me. I hated yesterday when I was away from you. Seeing you today, like this, kills me but seeing you at all is what I look forward to and I have felt like that for a while now.”
“Jax—”
“I can’t believe only three words are used to describe what I feel. Three words people say every day. Don’t get me wrong, to hear you say it makes me so happy. But I know it’s not possible for anyone to have ever felt what I feel for you. If I allow myself to think back to when Will was here, even then there was something about you, even when you were being sassy or difficult, being around you was like sunshine on a cold day. My feelings for you can’t be described in three words Frankie. There is no way.”
“I love you,” I whispered.
“Without trust, it’s impossible, say you trust me.”
“I trust you,” I whispered.
“Then you tell me who hurt you so that I can take care of it.”
“I don’t know. I really don’t know.” Even though I hurt, I rolled to my side and held onto him.
“I will find out and make them pay.”
“I have to tell you something.”
“Go ahead,” he said as his fingertips rubbed up and down my back slowly.
“Can you reach under the bed? There’s an SD card and video.”
He tensed, “Where did you go last night?”
“Duke,” I whispered.
“Did he do this to you?”
“No—”
“Don’t think I won’t find out.”
“I broke in, found the video and left. No one was there. When I walked out to my car I was jumped by two people. Joel and his friends stopped whoever they were. When they ran to a black car, Joel’s roommates, and his new girlfriend, chased them. There were no plates. Nothing. Joel was angry and wanted to know why I was there. I told him and then I told him I wanted the SD card from his phone. That’s where the video was made. He unlocked his safe in front of me and handed it to me. He said he didn’t want me to use it against him. I believe him.”
“He let you leave like this?” He growled.
“He had no choice. He thinks I’m crazy anyways, Jax—”
“Fuck!”
We were quiet for a few minutes.
“Jax, he didn’t call me.”
He didn’t reply, he just stiffened.
“Jax?”
“Yeah?”
“I think it has something to do with the campaign.”
“Then we confront my parents.”
“We?”
“After we talk to yours. And Frankie you will be safer at my place.”
“That—”
“Please, beautiful girl, Jesus, please don’t fight me on this.”
“We’ll discuss it, okay.” I nuzzled into him, needing to be closer, even if it hurt.
“We need to get you something for pain.”
“You and music.”
“Me and music. I can do that.” He grabbed the headphones on the mattress and placed one ear bud to my ear and another to his.
“Preference?” He kissed my forehead.
“This is good.”
And it was, Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri. I closed my eyes and laid my head on his chest.
Somewhere between that song and the next, Aviation High by Semi Precious Weapons, I fell asleep.
* * *
I WOKE TO a growling stomach, a delicious smell, and a song that began again on repeat, one that wasn’t on my play list before. I Wanna Know What Love Is by Foreigner.
Someday I hoped to look back on that moment and not wonder why out of every song in the world, he would choose that one. And I hoped that by that time, I could stop picturing Tom Cruise sin
ging it in a cheesy rock movie.
I covered my mouth as it started again and tried not to laugh. Because I never wanted him to feel as if that one song, and what it meant, had not been something I have wanted with him forever.
I loved Jax. I had been falling in love with him since I was twelve. It never went away. It just kept growing stronger every time I saw him. Seeing him on the beach after three years and then the night he dragged me out of Tuna’s erased any doubt in my mind that those feelings were anything but love. I loved him and I trusted him.
I looked up and he was standing in the doorway with a dish towel slung over his shoulder.
“How are you feeling?”
I smiled as I pulled the ear bud out of my ear. “Sore. Thank you for the song.”
He walked slowly towards me. “Thanks for trusting me.”
He leaned in and gave me a soft kiss. “I made you dinner.”
“I can smell it. It smells amazing.” My stomach agreed and loudly made it known.
He bent down and opened my robe. Quickly he closed his eyes and let out a frustrated breath before kissing my belly lightly.
I looked down when he stood and saw the bruises that were purple and yellow.
“It’s hideous.”
I looked back down and looked at the bruises oddly. His look was different than it had been when he first saw it. Like suddenly, it had gotten worse, but he seemed distant as well.
“Jax, what’s wrong?”
He shook his head no. “Let’s feed you.”
He helped me up and I tried not to act like it was a big deal. “I can do it. I have to go to the base tomorrow.”
“Mary called, told them you had a bug. You’re staying home and resting. I’m staying with you.”
“Jax, you have to work.”
“I haven’t taken leave in a while. I’m due a sick day.”
I looked at the table, Mary, and Renee were sitting there, looking at me. Shadows and Titan were also there.
“Hi.” I felt very uncomfortable.
I looked down at our hands linked together and then up at him. His lip curled up in the corner and he looked away, never letting go of my hand.
“Who the hell did that to you?” Renee gasped.
“We aren’t sure yet—”
“Just some kids. I’m sure it was an attempted mugging. No big deal. That’s what I get for going to retrieve my things from the ex at four in the morning huh?” I laughed as I sat. “Hi, Titan.”
“Little Will,” he winked. “So you and Irons, huh?”
“I think he misses Will,” I joked. “I’ll let him stick around until he gets sick of me and then he’s all yours again, fly guy.”
“Awe, funny girl, huh?” he laughed.
I looked out of the corner of my eye at Jax and he was staring at me, expressionless again.
“Come sit down, Jax.”
He blinked and looked down, then turned and grabbed the bread off the stove and came over and sat down.
It was entirely too quiet. I noticed Jax looking at Shadows and Titan. I looked at them and they looked down.
“Frankie, why don’t you tell them about your book?”
I covered my mouth as I chewed a bite of tortellini.
“Book?”
“The one you made, your dream book.”
I looked over at him, surprised he had brought it up, embarrassed actually.
“You know, the one your ex-boyfriend saw that you had pasted my head on as your future-”
“I don’t really think that they would enjoy that story.” I took a drink of water.
“They seem to think that you and I have this thing going on because of Will’s death. I want them to know that you had feelings for me before that. That this thing isn’t some step in a grieving process. That what we feel is—”
I took his hand and he stopped and looked at it. “I think they were just joking. In their defense, I started it. And it is because of Will that we know each other.”
“And in our defense,” he looked at them. “It’s not a fucking joke.”
“Irons, chill man. Just trying to lighten the mood.” Titan looked at him like he was crazy.
“Moods don’t need to be lightened. Real shit went down last night. She could have been killed.”
Jax pushed his chair back and stood. “You two need to realize that.” he pointed to the guys and then looked at my room mates, “And you two need to start running a tight ship around here. That door needs to be chained, locked, and an alarm needs to be installed.”
“Please sit and eat, Jaxson.”
“I’m not hungry.” He walked away and into the bathroom and slammed the door.
I started to stand but Shadows reached over and held my chair, “He’ll be more pissed if you don’t eat. Give him a few minutes.”
I pushed my chair back and stood, “Thanks, but I think growing up like he did, he needs to know that isn’t what you get when you’re in a relationship. You don’t let someone you love go hide and over think things. You talk it out.”
I pushed my chair in and walked to the bathroom.
I opened the door and he was sitting on the edge of the garden tub with his head in his hands and elbows on his knees. I shut the door behind me and he looked up.
“They told me to give you a few minutes.”
“Obviously, you didn’t.”
“Nope and Jax, I am hungry, sore and nervous about what is going on, too.” I started to kneel in front of him and winced.
“Don’t do that.” He took my hand and stood up.
“Don’t hide. That’s not what we do. That’s not what you have to do anymore.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I lifted my arms and linked my hands behind his head, “I love you. You put your trust in me like I have you. Tell me what really made you get upset out there.”
He rested his hands cautiously on my hips. “This isn’t a thing for me, Frankie. It’s not a joke to me. If you want this and are willing to go through the shit you’ve gone through because of me already—”
“We don’t know if I was jumped because of your family political affiliations Jax.”
“You’ll never be alone again. You won’t even walk to classes alone, do you understand me?”
“You don’t—”
“Yes I do. Fuck, Frankie, I am being real damn selfish here. If I’m right, then I am the biggest asshole in the world for not walking away and leaving you in peace. But I can’t. Then I think if I did, I’d still worry about you. So, selfishly, I won’t. I want you.”
“I want you, too.”
“We need to have a long talk after we get a good night’s sleep. You need to know exactly what you’re getting into.”
“Are you trying to scare me Jaxson? If so, it won’t work.”
He bowed down, resting his forehead against mine, and took a deep breath through his nose. “I don’t want you to be afraid of a damn thing, Frankie. I want you to be happy. To continue loving and teaching me how you want me to give it back to you.”
“You are doing perfect.”
“I’ll do better.”
We stood looking into each other’s eyes for a moment and my stomach rumbled again.
“Can we finish dinner and go back to bed?”
He kissed my nose and then my head. “Sounds good.”
* * *
I LAY ON my back and he on his side. He reached over and grabbed my ear buds and handed me one and kept the other. I thumbed through my playlist and yes, I had one that was all things Jax. Stupid, childish, call it what you will, but I knew he wouldn’t think it was.
I don’t wanna love somebody else by Great Big World played and his blue eyes blazed into mine, then cast down to my lip. He leaned down cautiously and rubbed his across mine, careful not to press too hard. It wasn’t enough and I knew he wouldn’t press for more, for the deeper kiss I desired. His touch had been careful, caring and thoughtful since he came back to me.
> I pulled him closer and his tongue traced the part of my lip that had pained me the most and it no longer hurt. Nothing hurt. With Jax here, everything was as I knew it should be.
Slipknot
Jax
I CONVINCED HER to take some Motrin after dinner and insisted she go to bed. I held her until she drifted off as we listened to music together. It calmed her and it made me insanely aware that these feelings were real. People wrote songs about feelings. None even came close to being as deep as mine but still, they skimmed the surface.
We spent the entire night holding and kissing each other. I swear I have never kissed anyone as much as I did her tonight. It was not even sexual. I knew it wasn’t going to lead anywhere. It couldn’t and I didn’t want it too. I wanted to make her feel safe and to let her feel what I felt through touch and sound. I wanted her to know there was no place I would rather be, no one I would rather be with, and that it didn’t scare me one bit. I watched as she fought to stay awake. When her eyes closed for a few seconds, she would force them open and purse her lips, seeking more. I gave her anything she asked for. I wanted to give her that always but last night’s revelations loomed over my head. Reality was paused by touch but returned with any distance.
Her eyes hadn’t opened for ten minutes. I knew, because I watched her take in every slow steady breath. I watched as she drifted deeper and deeper into a peaceful sleep as I thought about how much Will loved his sister. How much he loved his family. How much I wanted Will, the closest thing to family in a form which I wasn’t accustomed to, yet was accepted as part of, to know I would do everything in my power to keep her safe.
I closed my own eyes and thought about what it was that I would bring into her life. I thought about what I had learned last night. About Mimi’s suspicions, about Sandra’s death, about Frankie’s attack, and yes, about a little girl who could have been part of me. A little girl who had parents who were said to adore her and who I knew that, if I tried to see, I may be putting her in harm’s way.
I looked back down at Frankie and kissed her again. Her soft purr and the way she nuzzled into my touch was something I knew I would never be able to get enough of.
I heard the door crack and looked up and Shadows gave a nod. I slowly backed away from her warmth, and put the pillow that was under my head next to her and laid her hand on it so that she still felt like I was with her.