Best of 2017

by Alexa Riley

  I hated the feeling of being deceitful. This shouldn’t be so complicated. But if I were honest with myself, I knew keeping this secret for so long would upset Axel. Things were so good I just didn’t want to rock the boat.

  Just as I finished cooking breakfast, Felicity walked into the kitchen. She had a big smile on her face. “Is that Axel?” she mouthed.

  I shook my head and mouthed back, “Harrison.”

  Felicity frowned and walked over to dish herself some eggs and bacon. She sat down facing me.

  I cut my conversation with Harrison short, telling him I needed to finish eating breakfast and getting ready. I’d finished getting ready for a while now, but I could tell Felicity wanted to talk. I watched her shake her head disapprovingly as I hung up.

  “You’re going to lose Axel because of this stupid book of yours,” she said. “Something tells me Axel doesn’t know everything about what you’re doing when you get back to San Francisco.”

  The lump that had formed in my throat during my conversation with Harrison seemed to grow even bigger. “I know. I’m just not sure how to get out of this hole I sort of dug for myself.”

  “Listen, I understand you aren’t intending to bad-mouth or disparage him, but I don’t think Axel will be so understanding. He’s going to feel like you’re using him and faking your relationship all to get close. It’s going to look super shady.”

  I grimaced. “I’m not.”

  Felicity shook her head as she took a large bite of eggs. “You might know that, but Axel’s going to see this book as a threat. How much does he know about you, anyway?”

  I winced and looked down at my untouched breakfast. “He doesn’t know I write at all. I haven’t opened up about much.”

  Felicity’s eyes popped wide open as she almost choked on her food.

  “Please tell me you’re joking.” I shook my head. “You’re going to screw up a good thing. I hope this lie is worth it.”

  “I’m going to fix it.” I nibbled on my fingernail. “I’m just not sure how or when.”

  “The longer you wait, the worse this mess will be. You need to tell Axel.” Felicity stopped and seemed to ponder what she had just said. “Unless I’m reading too much into you and him? You like him, right?”

  I knew I was blushing. My face felt as if it had increased in heat by several degrees. “I do. I’m falling in love.”

  Felicity raised an eyebrow. “Love? Does Axel feel the same?”

  “He says he does. Last night we… well we…”

  “You guys had sex!” Felicity almost screamed. “Oh my god!”

  I blushed even more and tried not to giggle. “Yes, and it was amazing.”

  Felicity squealed in delight after I told her the details of my first time. She clapped her hands together, smiling in delight. “I knew you would end up in his bed. Who would have thought that you would be the girlfriend of the infamous Axel Rye?”

  “The whole idea really confuses me. I’m not sure I can deal with the drugs and the clubs forever.”

  “It won’t be easy.” Felicity grabbed the dishes and started to clean up. “Well, whatever you decide, I just want you to be happy. Be honest with yourself and follow your heart. Don’t let other voices and opinions get in the way of what you decide.”

  CHAPTER NINE

  FUCKING VANILLA WITH SPRINKLES

  QUINN

  AXEL and I headed to a new restaurant opening near downtown. I had started to accompany Axel on more and more paid appearances. The attention made me a little uncomfortable, but it was worth it if I could spend more time with him. Plus, being with Axel gave me a self-confidence I never had before. My introverted ways seemed to vanish when I was on Axel Rye’s arm.

  The place was crowded, and the media swarmed everywhere. I had taken a pill from Axel’s stash about an hour earlier, and I was feeling a bit edgy. It was some type of upper, but now I wondered if I needed a downer to help counter it. Axel hadn’t seemed too happy when I popped it in my mouth, but he hadn’t said anything either. I knew deep down it was bad to need drugs to help me cope with all the attention, but I was getting in the habit of it. It just worked. Axel, on the other hand, seemed to be doing drugs less, and barely drank. He hadn’t gone cold turkey or anything, but it did seem as if I was alone in using some nights.

  As bodies swarmed around us, Axel held me tight while posing for pictures before he grabbed me by the hand, leading me past the people and into the restaurant.

  “You don’t need to walk the red carpet? Do any more interviews?” I asked, completely surprised. I had started getting used to standing to the side while Axel played the part of a famous person, but was really relieved I didn’t have to do it tonight.

  “I’m doing my part,” he said. “I’m here and I’ve been photographed. I’m not really in the mood to do interviews.” He leaned in to place a soft kiss against my lips. “I just want to have a good meal with the most stunning woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. Nothing’s more important than you.” God the man was good with words.

  I couldn’t help blushing. Axel always made my heart skip a beat. “I just don’t want you to get in trouble for not doing your job. I don’t want to get in the way.”

  Axel pulled out a chair for me after the host led us to our table. “You are never in the way. Never. You actually make this all a hell of a lot more bearable for me. I hate this shit. You know that. I just worry all the time you are going to find this shit as old as I do and stop coming. I also don’t want you to think I’m ignoring you.”

  “I can’t remember ever having someone make me feel so special before. I love how well you treat me.”

  He smiled at me softly. “Good, because that is what is important to me. I love you, Quinn. There’s no question about that.”

  My heart pounded against my chest and my breath caught. I could barely whisper, “I love you, too.”

  Axel reached across the table and took hold of my hand. “Those are powerful words.”

  “Yes, they are.”

  He squeezed my hand. “I promise I’ll do everything to make you actually feel those words every day.”

  I nodded and looked down at my hands. I took a deep breath. “Can I ask you something? Something has been bothering me lately.”

  He continued to hold my hand, softly caressing it with his thumb. “Of course. Always speak your mind.”

  “Why is Jillian always around you? Why is she always in the pictures with you?” Ugh. I was edgy from that damn pill, but it had been bothering me. Maybe now wasn’t the best time to bring it up.

  Axel exhaled, glancing away and then back at me. “I don’t know, Quinn,” he said. “I’ve hung out with her in the past, but she’s always made more out of it then it really was. She’s just part of the circle of friends.”

  I felt something inside me ignite. “Was she your girlfriend?” I tried so hard not to sound jealous. But I was. Even though I asked the question, I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to know the answer.

  “No,” he answered softly. “She was never my girlfriend. I never saw her that way.”

  “Did you ever sleep with her?” The minute the words left my mouth, I regretted them. I hadn’t intended to take the conversation this far, but the questions just kept coming.

  I saw Axel’s eyes widen for a second then go back to normal. He pulled my hand closer to him, gently. “Does it really matter?”

  My stomach leaped to my throat. My head spiraled. What had I expected? Why had I let myself fall for Axel in the first place? Jillian was just one woman. How many other women would I have to deal with from the past and the future?

  “So, she was never your girlfriend, you just slept with her? Is that what you’re planning on doing with me?”

  Axel’s eyes narrowed and his expression hardened. “Quinn, I just got done telling you I love you. Would I say those words if I was planning on just sleeping with you like some groupie?”

  I wouldn’t listen. All I could think of was the fact that
Axel had slept with Jillian, and it made me ill. “Was she a good fuck?” My voice dripped with contempt.

  “Quinn, you need to stop.” He pushed a glass of water my way and then reached for one of my hands again. “I think that pill is fucking with you a little. Just try to relax.”

  The lump in my throat had begun to suffocate me. The pill was fucking with me, but that wasn’t the only reason I was upset. I did everything I could not to cry. I tried pulling my hand away, but Axel tightened his grip.

  “So, are you still sleeping with her?” I swallowed hard. “Is it just part of your circle? No big deal?”

  “Quinn.” Axel’s voice was calm. “There is nothing going on with Jillian. There is nothing going on with anyone. You are the only one I’m with and the only one I want to be with. Take a big breath and relax.”

  He moved his chair so he sat next to me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and tried giving me a kiss, but I turned my head away abruptly. “What do you want me to say?”

  That made the fire inside me blaze even brighter. I knew I acted ridiculously. Jealousy made a fool of me. But for some reason, I couldn’t fight back the emotion. I squirmed, trying to get away from Axel’s embrace, but my struggle was futile. I was no match for Axel’s strength and conviction.

  I stopped and looked him square in the eye.

  “I want the truth about you and Jillian.”

  “There was nothing between us,” he insisted. “Even if there had been something, why would I lie?”

  “Because maybe you still have feelings for her? Maybe deep down, you want an actual woman who is cool, famous, and who knows what the hell she’s doing.”

  “What?” Axel’s laughter irritated me. “No, sweetheart, the only feelings I have are for you. Only you. She’s got absolutely nothing on you, famous or not. And she isn’t really famous, her daddy is.”

  I stared at him, desperately wanting to believe the words spoken. But if I hurt this much now, only a few weeks into this relationship, how would I deal with anything worse? Being around Axel did something to my senses, my emotions, and to my heart. It scared me.

  I shook my head, blinking back the tears. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. Maybe it’s the pill and I’m just fucked up.” I took a deep breath. “But this is too much for me to take.”

  He glared at me. “What the hell does that mean?”

  “I mean this is who you are. This is what your world has always been like. Who am I to think I can fit in to your life… your lifestyle? Things like this are going to keep happening, and I don’t think I can handle it. You’re famous and could have any woman you want. Women are begging to have even one night with you. I should’ve never agreed to—”

  “Don’t even say it.” He took my hand and put it to his chest. I could feel Axel’s heart beat against my palm. “You’re scaring me. This sounds like you’re about to end things between us. I can’t believe you don’t see how much I’ve fallen in love with you.”

  I shook my head. “It’s too difficult, Axel. I thought I could do this… I wanted to do this, but I can’t. Try to put yourself in my place. Would you be able to deal with other men constantly hitting on me? I’m so confused. I don’t know what I was thinking coming into this. I let myself get caught up in all the infatuation and excitement.”

  Axel’s grip tightened on my shoulder as he pulled my to face him. He stared at me hard, glaring as he spoke through his teeth, “What exactly are you saying?”

  I looked down at my hands for a long moment, then finally looked back into Axel’s stare. My eyes glistened, but I didn’t cry.

  “My feelings for you are what have me so terrified,” I said. “If I didn’t love you so much, I wouldn’t be backing out now before it’s too late.”

  Axel stared at me in disbelief. “Backing out?”

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, casting my eyes back down to the ground. My head pounded and my body demanded a stiff drink.

  “Stop, Quinn. I won’t let you back out now, or ever. I can’t. There’s no turning back for me. You need to understand that I love you. I love you!”

  He leaned over and kissed my forehead, then my cheeks and all around my mouth.

  “Axel,” I whispered.

  He continued to kiss my mouth, deepening the kiss further.

  “Axel.” I pulled away. “I love you, too. But that is what scares me to death. I don’t want my heart broken. You have the power to do so.”

  He moved a piece of hair behind my ear. “I won’t abuse that power. You have to have some faith in that.” He kissed me again, then held my face in his hands. “Trust that I will protect our love with everything I have.”

  A smile slowly lifted the corners of my lips. “You see how crazy you make me? Do you see how insane my jealousy just got? You really want a part of this insanity?” I giggled lightly.

  Axel smiled, rubbing his palm up and down my back. “I understand it. I know what I do for a living and who I am can be a lot for anyone to take. I also understand that you being with me is going to be an adjustment. I understand.”

  I wrapped my arms around Axel and leaned my head against his chest. “I’m scared. I’m confused. But I do know one thing. I’m in love.”

  QUINN

  LYING NAKED on Axel’s chest, after another great sexual experience, I could hear his heart beat. I had never felt so content and so relaxed. I still had a lot of questions about what he wanted and what he expected out of me. Not to mention that this was my chance to really get some solid material for my story. I had been with the man nonstop, and yet there was still so much mystery there. Yet, in all truth, I was more of one. He didn’t really know me or who I was. Writing was my passion, and he knew nothing of it.

  I took a deep breath. I desperately wanted this to work, and knew I should come completely clean with him. Tell him why I came to LA, tell him why I took the job in the club—I should tell him everything. But what if he thought my feelings for him were a sham? He could jump to the conclusion that I was using him. Was I using him? Maybe at first… but not now. Things were different now. They were so different. I hadn’t planned that I would actually fall in love with Axel Rye. That I would immerse myself truly into this lifestyle.

  Axel must have sensed all the doubt because he kissed me gently on the head and pulled me closer before speaking. “I can tell you are in deep thought. Stop worrying. Trust that I would fight with every breath I have to keep us this way.”

  “I trust you more than anyone. I’m just still wondering about your lifestyle, or I guess, our lifestyle. I grew up in a completely different world.”

  “I don’t think our worlds were that different.” He laughed. “Never mind. Yes, they were.” Axel soothed as he continued to stroke the full length of my back. “Tell me about your family. You never do.”

  “Not exciting is why. I was the typical middle American, middle income family. My parents never divorced, we had a dog and a cat, and we had family game nights. What you see on sitcoms was my family.”

  “Any siblings?”

  “A sister.” I let out a deep breath. “She died not that long ago. Car accident.”

  Axel tensed slightly. “I’m sorry. That must have been tough.”

  “It was. I’m okay. My parents aren’t really.” I shrugged. “Death is part of life. Hard. Really hard, but we have no choice but to move on, right?”

  Axel continued stroking my back and placed small kisses on my head. “You are such a positive and strong person to think that way.”

  “She would want me to live life. She wouldn’t want me to live my life in a dark hole. It would be a disgrace to her memory.” I smiled and patted his chest. “She would have loved you.”

  “Ha! I doubt it. I’m not exactly the type of guy you take home to the family to show off. They warn little, sweet girls like you about boys like me, remember?”

  “You are a catch! I’m sure there are plenty of fathers out there who would love for their daughters to hook
up with a drug dealing, party boy,” I teased with a giggle. I stopped my laugh mid-way and added, “But seriously, Axel, people don’t know what they are missing with you. I honestly don’t know why you haven’t been tied down before. I’m never letting you go.”

  “It’s really hard for me to truly trust people. For many women, being with me is just about partying and having a good time, and they aren’t willing to give their whole hearts to me. Not that I wanted any more from them. Life was always about getting high and fucking.”

  I stroked Axel’s stomach lightly. “I can’t help but worry that I am too boring for you. Too vanilla.”

  “I like vanilla. Maybe with a dash of sprinkles.”

  I smiled against his chest, extremely embarrassed about my next question. “Are you ever kinky? I just assumed you were kinky.” I paused for a moment before continuing on. “Actually, I don’t even really know what kinky is. Forgive my virgin ignorance.” I giggled out of discomfort. I was being such a nerd.

  He chuckled. “I hate to break it to you, babe, but your virgin days are over. But I definitely can school you on some kinky.”

  Axel rubbed my head, lightly lifting my hair off of my back. He slowly moved his finger down my back until it rested softly on my anus. He applied a little pressure but didn’t press in. My breath caught and I let out a soft sigh. He pressed his finger a little more. “How does this make you feel? Does it make you feel like a dirty girl?”

  I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know how I felt.

  Shit, this was kinky!

  All I could do was let out a small gasp every time his finger pushed a little further.

  “Quinn, answer me. How does my finger pressing here make you feel?” Axel softly demanded.

  I shook my head and pressed my face against his chest. I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know how to voice the mixture of emotions. I felt embarrassed to have his finger invading such a forbidden area. Part of me wanted to escape his sensual probing, but another part of me wanted to scream for more. As his finger inched its way deeper, I experienced a slight pinch and burn that set my whole body on fire.