Five Unforgivable Things

by Vivien Brown

  ‘Now, come on, you lot. Your dad looks tired. Time we left him in peace.’ Mum was shepherding everyone, just as she always had, ever since the days when it had been all about collecting up coats and toys, trying to stop the squabbles and squeezing everyone into the car. She hovered for a moment, as if unsure, as she watched them all hug their dad goodbye, whether she should, or could, hug him too.

  ‘Good luck, Dad.’ Ollie made sure he was the last out of the door.

  ‘You too. With the show, as well as the wedding.’

  ‘Oh, that! It’s running like a well-oiled machine. Couldn’t have done it without Beth’s help, of course.’

  ‘Ha, don’t let her hear you say that. It’ll go right to her head. Still, it’s good, seeing you all helping each other out. You’re good kids, all of you. We didn’t do such a bad job, did we, your mum and me …’

  ***

  The donkey costume was hilarious. The mum who had made it had used an old pair of curtains which, although admittedly were just about the right shade of grey, had little pink triangles dotted all over them. As the Higgins boys clambered excitedly into it, a couple of plastic curtain hooks fell out of the head end, sending everyone into uncontrollable giggles.

  The tail looked like it had been made from an old dressing gown cord with the end frayed, and it was slightly too long, so it almost touched the floor. The ears were not quite equal in size and at the mouth someone had attached a pair of toy false teeth, which gave the donkey a permanent but rather manic-looking smile.

  ‘Perfect!’ Sean said, smiling to himself as he watched from the sidelines, although Ollie was fairly sure his mate’s eyes had wandered in Beth’s direction as he’d said it. ‘The audience will love it. Comedy always goes down well.’

  ‘I’m not sure the nativity story is meant to be a comedy,’ Ollie said, absentmindedly patting the donkey on the head as if it was real and causing one of the boys inside to squeal.

  ‘A bit late to say that now! It’s definitely more panto than bible this year, that’s for sure. And, anyway, it can be anything you want it to be. Your show, your rules,’ Beth chimed in. ‘And you did say the headmaster wanted something different this year.’

  ‘Well, he’s going to get that all right! Okay, boys, out you come. We don’t want you suffocating in there. Now, where’s Victoria? Time for a complete run through, I think. Everyone in their places, please.’

  ***

  ‘Have you got your suit sorted out for the wedding?’ It was Sunday lunchtime and Natalie had her notebook out on the pub table, before their plates had even been cleared away.

  ‘Sorted out? What does that mean exactly?’ Ollie swallowed his last forkful of roast potato and reached for his pint of orange juice and lemonade. He had vowed to cut down his alcohol consumption and, with Beth watching him like a hawk, was doing his best to stick to it.

  ‘Well, you know … out of the wardrobe, tried on, sent to the dry cleaners. That sort of thing.’

  ‘It’ll be okay on the day. Don’t panic. I do have rather a lot of other stuff on my plate at the moment.’

  Beth picked up Ollie’s empty plate and peered at it. ‘Really? I’m sorry but I must disagree. There’s not a scrap left on it.’

  Ollie groaned. ‘Oh, ha, ha.’

  ‘In fact, it looks like you’ve licked it clean, gravy and all. I must say, what with that huge bowl of soup and two bread rolls you demolished as well, you’re eating like a horse today.’

  ‘Or a donkey!’

  He and Beth burst into laughter, leaving Natalie looking utterly bemused.

  ‘I wish you two would take this more seriously,’ she said. ‘Not as if I have any idea what’s so funny anyway. This is my wedding, remember, and I want to make sure everything goes smoothly. Or as smoothly as it can without Dad.’

  ‘Of course.’ Ollie struggled to put on his serious face and reached over to pat her hand. ‘Your wish is our command.’

  ‘Good. I should bloody well hope so. So?’

  ‘So, yes, my suit is ready. As ready as it will ever be. It’s not as if I ever wear it, so it’s probably still got the tags on it from whenever it was cleaned last time. And, yes, it will still fit. One advantage of being a PE teacher is that I rarely put on any weight. Even when I do eat like a horse.’

  ‘Good. Just checking. If you’re going to be giving me away, you’ll be doing the aisle walk and standing up the front with everyone watching, so I do want you to look your best.’

  ‘Not show you up, you mean?’

  Natalie shrugged, but he knew that was exactly what she meant. Perhaps it was time to try a bit harder to please her? She was the first of them to be getting married, and he did genuinely want it to be a special day for her.

  ‘Anyone having pud?’ Beth was studying the menu, with a hopeful look on her face. ‘Only, I don’t want to be the only one and look like some sort of glutton.’

  ‘Well, in that case, give it here and let’s have a look. I’m sure I could force something down to keep you company.’ Ollie took the menu from her hands. ‘Mmm, you could put on a few pounds just reading about this lot! Better not let Nat anywhere near or she’ll never squeeze into her dress.’

  ‘I’m sure an ice cream wouldn’t do any harm,’ Natalie said, raising her hand to call the waitress over. ‘And, look, they have honeycomb flavour. Got to give that a try.’

  They finished their meal and helped Natalie to tick off a few more of the bullet points in her book, so by the time they pulled their coats on and prepared to leave, she was looking a lot calmer. Outside, although it was only half-past three, the light was already fading, the December sky turning a dull and depressing grey. A bit like the donkey costume but without the little pink triangles, Ollie thought, smiling to himself.

  He wasn’t keen on winter, especially as a good part of his working day was spent outdoors, wrapped up in fleecy tracksuits with his hands turning blue. With less than two weeks now until the wedding, he hoped the weather would hold. A light flurry of snow might be quite nice in its way, bringing a bit of added magic to the occasion, but the full-on snow drifts and icy roads stuff could make it hard for guests travelling any distance, like Aunt Jane driving up from Somerset with Granny Molly in tow.

  It was only a short walk back to the house and for once Natalie allowed him to push her wheelchair, the combination of two glasses of wine and a belly full of food making her a lot less stubbornly independent than usual.

  ‘You coming in?’ Beth said when they got to the front door. ‘Mum’s out. In fact, I think she was planning on visiting Dad again, taking him some of her magic soup! But Jenny will probably be back by now from wherever it was she went.’

  ‘You know, she’s being so mysterious lately,’ Natalie said. ‘I’m convinced she’s got a secret boyfriend. I just hope he’s not married or something.’

  ‘What makes you think he might be?’ Ollie followed his sisters into the house.

  Natalie called a loud ‘Hello, anyone home?’ up the stairs, and only when there was no reply, did she answer Ollie’s question. ‘Oh, I don’t know. Sneaky phone calls … I just get the feeling she’s hiding something, that’s all.’

  ‘She wouldn’t. Not Jen. Little Miss Goody-goody Peacemaker couldn’t bear the thought of hurting someone, even if it was some shady wife she’d never met. No, it’ll be something else. If it’s anything at all. Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt, eh?’

  ‘Or just ask her,’ Natalie said.

  ‘I suppose we could,’ Beth said, looking far from certain about it.

  ‘But let’s not, eh? She’s an adult, you know. She’s entitled to her privacy.’ Ollie filled the kettle and flicked the switch. ‘If there is anything she wants us to know, I’m sure she’ll tell us, in her own good time. Now, who wants coffee?’ He opened the cupboard next to the sink and grabbed a jar of instant. ‘I wonder if Mum’s got any cake stashed away?’

  ‘Cake?’ both girls chorused. ‘After that huge lunch?’

&n
bsp; ‘Well, I do eat like a horse, remember? And, seeing as there isn’t any hay …’

  ***

  There was something about the run-up to Christmas that always seemed to change the atmosphere in the school. The kids were happier, more excited, burying themselves in craft projects involving lots of cotton wool and glitter, and spending chilly break times in huddles, poring over toy catalogues and planning their present lists. Most of the teachers walked with a spring in their step too, as the end of term approached and lessons and homework, and therefore marking, started to tail off in favour of carol singing, board games and, of course, the upcoming nativity play.

  Ollie had it all under control now. The show had been rehearsed to within an inch of its life, all the costumes were ready, and Sean had done wonders with the scenery. ‘We’re way ahead of schedule here, you know, mate,’ Sean said, putting the finishing touches to the stable door at the side of the hall during an afternoon when neither of them had a class to teach. ‘A week to show-time and there’s nothing left to do.’

  ‘That’s good, isn’t it? No last-minute panics, no unexpected disasters.’

  ‘Oh, steady on there. Don’t go speaking too soon and putting the jinx on it. It only needs your leading lady to go sick or one of the donkey boys to break a leg or something and you’ll be panicking all right!’

  ‘Point taken. But we do have a couple of understudies lined up who could probably just about step into any role if needed.’ Ollie crossed his fingers. ‘With a lot of prompting. But it’s not gonna happen, okay?’

  ‘If you say so. You’re the boss!’

  ‘And don’t you forget it!’ Ollie laughed, throwing the box of costumes back into a cupboard. ‘So, what are your plans for the Christmas holidays, then? I don’t suppose you’re heading back to Oz, are you?’

  ‘No, mate. I wish I was, but it’s a long old flight and it doesn’t come cheap. The only way I’ll be seeing my family this Christmas will be on my computer screen. Whatever would we do without Skype, eh?’

  ‘I’ve never used it, actually. The beauty of having all my nearest and dearest close by, I suppose.’ His mind threw up a brief image of Laura’s face and he blinked hard to push it away. ‘Well, almost all of them, anyway.’

  ‘It’s not just you and Beth, then? Both parents still alive?’

  ‘Yep. And two more sisters. One of them – Natalie – is getting married on Saturday, actually. The usual church affair. Bells and posh cars and wedding cake, the works. It’ll be a big family get-together. In fact, this one’ll probably put Christmas in the shade for once. And I’m doing the giving-the-bride-away bit.’

  ‘Really? I thought you said your dad was still around. Wouldn’t he normally …?’

  ‘Long story. He should be there, but he’s a bit poorly so he’s not going to be. Not unless there’s some miracle between now and Saturday anyway.’

  ‘Right. Sorry to hear that.’

  ‘It’ll be okay. I bloody well hope so, anyway. So, where will you be spending Christmas? You didn’t say.’

  ‘Don’t rightly know, mate. Get a turkey ready-meal in and watch TV at the bedsit, I expect. I guess there’ll be something on worth watching, won’t there? We usually have a barbie on the beach where I come from, but I’m guessing that’s not what happens around here. Too darn cold! Still, when you think about it, it’s just another day, isn’t it?’

  ‘Is it?’

  ‘Well, it’ll have to be. I can’t magic up my family from thousands of miles away, can I?’

  ‘You could always come to us.’

  ‘Don’t be daft, mate. Your parents aren’t gonna want a stranger hanging about. No, you’re all right …’

  ‘Just Mum. Dad might still be in hospital, but he doesn’t live at home these days anyway. And Nat will be off honeymooning, God knows where, because her fiancé isn’t saying. So it will just be us, my little sister Jenny, and maybe my gran. And Beth, of course. I know she’d like to see you.’

  ‘I wouldn’t mind seeing her either, but …’

  ‘No buts. You’re invited, okay? No barbie, I’m afraid, and Mum’s not the greatest of cooks so I can’t promise cordon bleu or anything, but it has to beat a ready-meal for one.’

  Chapter 37

  Kate, 1992

  If it wasn’t for the lack of space, one of us would have moved into a separate bed, a separate room, even a separate house if it was up to me. Since Natalie’s accident I had found it hard to be civil to Dan, even to look at him without wanting to scream at him or pound my fists against his chest until there was no breath left inside it. How could he have done this to her? To us?

  We tried to hide things from the kids and I think, all in all, we managed that pretty well. Daddy waved goodbye after breakfast and went to work, Mummy fed them and took them to the nursery in the afternoons and fed them again before chucking them all in the bath, usually together, and Daddy was sometimes, but not always, back again in time to say goodnight, read stories and tuck them in. There were trips to the hospital with Natalie, and to the physio, to see how she was doing, but we all knew nothing was ever going to be quite the same again. Life chugged along like a clockwork toy that never stopped but every now and then ran quite frighteningly low on batteries, and it was on those days that I just wanted to scream as loud as I could and hide my head under the duvet and never come out.

  Hiding things from Mum wasn’t quite so easy.

  ‘I do know how you feel, Kate’ she said, one afternoon, right out of the blue, even though I hadn’t said a thing. I was bashing a spoon hard and fast against the bowl, trying to let some of my fury out, as we made the cakes – three of them – for the kids’ birthday. They were almost four already! Where had the years gone? ‘Managing three kids twenty-four hours a day can’t be easy …’

  I stopped stirring for a moment, to give my wrist a rest. ‘It’s not the kids that are the problem. Yes, I get tired and a bit ratty. Who wouldn’t? But they’re worth it.’

  ‘Of course they are. But I do remember what it’s like, even though I only had the one of you, not three.’

  ‘I had four, Mum. Four babies, not three.’

  ‘I know, love, and little Rosie will never be forgotten, but it’s the here and now we have to focus on. The three you have now, the three who still need you. It’s overwhelming, I know that. You’re bound to be tired, or exhausted more like, but you’re doing a great job, you know. Considering …’

  ‘Considering what? That one of them can’t walk?’

  Mum gave me one of her looks and shook her head.

  ‘One dead and one disabled, before they’re even four, and you say I’m doing a great job!’

  ‘Kate!’

  ‘Or did you mean considering that I’m married to a cold unfeeling bastard who spends as little time with any of us as possible?’

  ‘Oh, Kate, no! Unfeeling? I’m not sure you’re being entirely fair to Dan. He does his best, and I can only imagine how the poor man must be feeling since the accident, but isn’t it time you forgave him? Gave him a bit of a break? I do believe he’s genuinely sorry.’

  ‘Poor man? Oh, Mum, come on! And he can be as sorry as he likes but it won’t make her better, will it?’

  ‘Of course not, but you should be helping each other, comforting each other. What good is it going to do harbouring all this anger and blame and animosity?’

  ‘But he let her run out, Mum. He didn’t even notice she’d gone. If she’d been with me … If I hadn’t insisted on going back to work … If I hadn’t ordered that dress from the catalogue and the delivery hadn’t come while I was out …’

  ‘Ah, I see. All these ifs. If only this. If only that. It’s not actually Dan you’re blaming now, is it? You’re blaming yourself.’ She scraped her wooden spoon on the edge of the bowl and laid it down, then put her arms around me as I slumped forward, resting my forehead against her hair and breathing in the familiar smell of hairspray and eau de cologne. ‘Look, love, what’s done is done. Sometimes i
n life we just have to get on with things, make the best of what we have left.’

  ‘I know, but it’s so hard. You and Dad never had all this, did you? You were so lucky. I just wish I could have had what you had.’

  ‘Lucky? He did die of lung cancer, remember. And long before his natural time.’

  ‘Yes, I know. But before that, you were so …’

  ‘Oh, Kate,’ she butted in before I could finish. ‘Don’t wish for things you don’t understand, love.’ She pulled back, holding me at arm’s length. ‘Marriages are not always entirely as they seem, even the apparently happy ones. They’re a bit like icebergs, you know, with only the shiny tip on show. There are always parts hidden away underneath, the dark parts we don’t want others to see.’ She sighed and eased me away so she could look into my eyes. ‘Even with Trevor. I love him to bits, but we do have our moments. Little arguments, you know. The odd bit of name-calling. I threw a rolling pin at his head last week but it missed, I’m glad to say. I’d have been happy for it to hit him at the time, though, believe me. And there are some nights when we sleep back to back, neither one of us wanting to make that first move and say sorry. Stubborn old goats, the pair of us. But …’

  ‘But it wasn’t like that with you and dad, was it?’

  ‘Of course it was. Look, Kate, I know you’ve always put him on a pedestal, and it’s probably a good thing that you remember him that way, especially now he’s gone, but there’s something I’ve never told you before and I think now I probably should. About your father.’

  She lowered herself into a chair and gestured for me to do the same, gently wiping a smudge of flour from my cheek. ‘He had his … problems, shall we say? With money. Oh, I know money isn’t supposed to matter, not when you love someone, but it does. Especially when there isn’t any.’

  ‘So Dan is always saying. But you only had one child and Dad had a good job. A well-paid job.’