Frozen Barriers

by Sara Shirley

  I’m almost through the door when I feel her hand reach out and grab my arm, turning me back around to face her. Tears are rolling down her face. Her chest pulsates as the sobs wreak havoc on her body. She drops her clothes onto the floor as her other hand covers her mouth before she looks up at me. Her eyes are etched in pain as she shakes her head at me. I want to wrap her in my arms and comfort her, but I can’t. My mind relives how I felt after high school with her. How’s that phrase go? Burn me once…

  Making my way to the kitchen, I grab a beer from the fridge. Twisting off the cap, I take a long pull from the cold bottle as I stare out the window overlooking the backyard, watching everyone still out there laughing and having fun. My parents are sitting around the fire pit on the loveseat holding hands, laughing as Dad says something to Mom. Running my hand through my hair, I wonder how the hell this night has gone to shit so fast. Oh, that’s right. I confessed my love to a girl who I allowed my heart to open to a second time.

  Hearing movement behind me, I turn to see Emily standing there fully dressed. She tosses her bag from her shoulder to the floor. She’s no longer crying. If anything, she looks pissed. Why is she pissed at me? Storming over to me, she grabs my beer from my hand and chugs the rest of it before placing it forcefully onto the counter. What the hell?

  “You think I’m not taking chances? That I’m not fighting? I’m fighting everything in my body at the moment not to tell you to go fuck yourself.” Whoa! Where did she pull that from? Before I can reach my arms out to calm her, she continues, “For saying that having sex with you was me saying goodbye. Would I have ever asked you to make love to me and not think for once I might actually have feelings? I fucking love you, Jeremy! Is that what you wanted to hear before you tried to make me feel like shit in there? It’s not that I’m leaving you. I’m leaving for my skating competitions next Monday. I’ll be gone for three weeks. The same friggin’ three weeks you’ll be on the road with the Monarchs. I’m scared shitless because I have no idea how to make this work until we get back. More than anything, I’m scared of losing you. It seems I already did since it appears you’re not willing to fight for us either.”

  Making her way back to her bag, she picks it up and tosses it over her shoulder. As she walks toward the door to leave, I run over to her just as she has it partly opened, slamming it shut with my palm. I turn and face her head on. “Sit!” I yell.

  Startled with the authority in my voice, Emily stammers back to the living room. “What are you going to do, Jeremy? Tell me that a month apart with hardly any contact after having one date and going out for a week is going to work? How?”

  “Emily! Stop! Just stop making excuses that you think will justify you walking out that door. Were you honest just then when you said you loved me? Don’t lie.” Tears build up again in her eyes as she nods yes. “Then, why are you trying to run away? Why do you think it won’t work with us before this even happens? Yeah, it’s scary, and this is new for both of us, but we try. You. Me. Together, we fuckin’ try because I love you, and you love me. Got it? We’ll be working on our communication skills after this too, so this…” I point my finger between her and me, “…this doesn’t happen again.” I make my way to the bedroom with quick strides. Before walking in, I turn back to the living room and stare into Emily’s eyes. “Are you coming?” I ask her. Slowly standing and walking toward me, she stammers, “Jeremy, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about leaving sooner, or that I didn’t explain properly. I didn’t know how you’d take it. Then, you told me you loved me, and I didn’t know how to tell…” My lips crush hers at that instant, cutting her off from her thoughts. Breaking my fevered kiss, I hold her hand as I bring her back into my bedroom. “What are you doing?” she asks as she follows me.

  “Now that you’ve finally admitted you love me, I’m going to spend the next several hours making sure you know just how much love I’ve got to give you.”

  Jeremy and I basically went from having our most intimate experience sexually to having a huge fight to make-up sex all in the same night. In the end, though, after several hours of touching, caressing, and more orgasms than I can remember, I can honestly say I’ve become well educated on the many levels of sexual positions, and now I’m ready to fall asleep in Jeremy’s arms. He has begged me to stay the night with him, and as much as I want to wake up in the strong, tender arms of the man I’ve grown to love so much, I know I can’t. We take a long shower, and I inform him that I have to get back home since I have practice in Boston early in the morning. Jeremy also has hockey practice early and then an exhibition game in Worcester on Monday afternoon against the Sharks.

  This is how it is for the entire week. I train, he practices, and we hardly have time to talk on the phone, let alone actually see each other. I have to keep telling myself that despite all this distance, I have to try, if not for myself, for him. Easier said than done. I haven’t even left for Denver yet, and already I have a sense of unease heading into Sunday’s home opener.

  Jeremy must keep in touch with Sue and Courtney because they have not left me alone for one minute of my free time. Since it’s Friday afternoon, Jeremy is at his first game of the season. Courtney called earlier and said I was going with her to Sue’s studio for a workout. After complaining and saying I was too busy, she saw right through me, and before I knew it, it was time to leave. I am going to learn how to climb a stripper pole. Can you see my mother’s face? The look of horror if that image ever leaked the front page of the Globe? I can see the headline now, “Figure Skating Star Trades Ice Skates for Stripper Poles.”

  We have a lot of fun despite my initial reserve. Come to find out, pole fitness is actually really hard. Sue teaches me a few of the basic moves while Courtney is already well versed in working the pole. I know that sounds so crazy, right? Pole dancing for working out with clothes on? Imagine the concept! After about an hour in Sue’s studio, my arms are shot, and I’ve done more fireman spins than I know what to do with. It turns out I actually have a knack for this, and the girls can’t believe I am already doing death drops from the top of the pole in such a short time.

  We sit in the studio floor for a couple of hours after that, just hanging out and having a few bottles of wine. Sue cranks Grace Potter over the speaker as we talk and laugh about everything. Without martinis involved, it turns out I can be social. Who would have thought?

  Courtney and I manage to get Sue to talk about what is going on with her and Dave. As it turns out, Dave is a fairly decent guy. He may come off as a cocky jerk sometimes, but he really wants to do right by Sue. She wasn’t sure if she was going to say yes when he asked her out after Sunday dinner, simply because it is Dave, and he is good friends with Josh. She doesn’t want to flaunt her relationship with Dave in front of Josh, and I understand her reasoning. She also informs us that Dave was supposed to talk to Josh that night. I must have been otherwise occupied and missed that exchange.

  It doesn’t take long for the girls to figure out that I had sex with Jeremy. Courtney tells me Jeremy wasn’t his typically brooding ass after practice on Monday, and when she cornered him, he caved. Then, of course, Dave found out and told Sue. How my life has gone from lonely solitude to being thrown into this pile of chaos, I’ll never know. What I do know is I’m having fun just actually living life, laughing and finally experiencing things I’ve missed out on for so many years. It still sucks that it’s not perfect, given the amount of training I still have to put in, but it’s moving in a better direction.

  It’s Sunday morning, the day of Jeremy’s home opener. I packed all my skating gear last night as I talked to him on speakerphone at my apartment. He asked me about my night out with the girls at Sue’s studio. I told him he’d see the evidence of the brutal attack when he picked me up Sunday. I’m just glad I don’t have to wear my skating costume before Thursday since I have bruises all over my calves and forearms. My mother would be livid. Plus, to others, it might appear I’ve been manhandled. Of course, I told Jeremy he wo
uld be handling me after the game in an entirely different way.

  The weather has changed slightly this past week. Heading into October, the leaves are starting to change, and the nights remind us that summer is gone, and winter is just around the corner. Winter. To me, winter is the devil, sneaking his ugly face in here and turning my life upside down for about four months. It is the Grand Prix, Nationals, Worlds, endorsements, scores, cameras, fake smiles, and let’s not forget, appearances. To say I hate winter is being nice, but at least I get paid.

  Sitting outside on the balcony on my chaise lounge, I begin a new novel on my e-reader. After reading this story, I may try picking up a British accent and start calling Jeremy “My Lord.” He still wonders how I became so well versed in my sexual nature. If he picked up my e-reader and read any of the books I have on it, he’d know easily.

  A few minutes later, I hear his truck pulling into the driveway. I told him I could drive myself, but he said we’d be hanging out after the game at one of the pubs near the arena. Shutting off my e-reader, I stand and head over to the railing as I look down at him getting out of his truck. As he stands there with his hands in his pockets staring up at me, I feel as though I’m in a scene from a Shakespearean play.

  The crackle of the pea stone under tires diverts our eyes to the black Lexus pulling around the driveway toward the exit. It keeps moving, never acknowledging either of us. “Anyone you know?” Jeremy asks, nodding his head in the direction of the Lexus.

  “That’s just Daddy. He must have needed to confirm my schedule with Mother for the next month. Can’t have bad press for Daddy’s company, now can we? Enough about my sperm donor, I’ll be down in a minute.”

  Picking up my bag and jacket, I make my way out the garage door and meet Jeremy at the passenger side of the truck. Reaching around my waist, he pulls me into his body and gives me a soft kiss. Grabbing his flannel shirt, I pull him in closer, trying to intensify our kiss until he pulls back, saying, “I’ve missed you so much this week.”

  He takes my hand in his, leading me into the truck. Walking around to get in the driver’s seat, he starts up the engine and Florida Georgia Line blasts through the speakers. Really, country? Oh, Jeremy, no, no, no. After turning down the speakers, he grabs something from the backseat. Leaning forward again, he hands me a gift bag. Well, not so much a gift bag as it is a plastic bag with the Monarchs logo on it. Giggling to myself, I unroll the bag on my lap and pull out a Manchester Monarchs jersey with his name and number on it.

  “Thank you. Perhaps the necklace would have been enough, but add in the jersey, and the next thing I know, you’re Tarzan and I’m Jane. Or, you’re pissing circles around me, making sure you mark your territory.” I laugh and look over at him as he gives me a narrowed eyed glare. “Not funny. You haven’t met these guys. They will try to make a pass at you tonight if they don’t know you’re mine yet,” he says deadpan.

  “Fine, let me just take off my sweater.” Lifting my sweater over my head, I reach over to grab the jersey to put it on as Jeremy’s eyes burn holes in me. “What?” I ask, pushing stray hairs out of my face.

  “These bruises on your arms. Are they from Sue’s pole class?” he asks, running his fingers over them.

  “Yeah, I told you they were bad. I’m just hoping they go away before Thursday.” I think I’ll need a lot of concealer if they don’t.

  Jeremy leans down, placing delicate kisses over the spots and then pulling back to put the truck in reverse. “Might be a good idea to keep the sweater on under the jersey. Just sayin’.”

  I let out a frustrated sigh. Guess I’ll be sweating all afternoon now.

  The drive to the arena only takes about a half hour. As we make our way into the players’ entrance, a security guard checks our ID’s. Jeremy says it’s all right that I don’t have a pass since I’m with him. Since it is still early, hardly any of the players are here yet, so Jeremy takes it upon himself to give me the grand tour. He shows me the family seats, which his parents and Courtney, will be sitting in later. Josh is working, so I have his ticket.

  When it is time for Jeremy to start getting ready for the game against the Devils, he walks me up to the seats and tells me after the game to head down to the security desk, where we entered, and wait for him. He leans down to give me a subtle kiss, and I wish him luck, and in true cheesy Jeremy fashion, he replies, “I don’t need luck; I’ve got you.”

  “Har-Har,” I fake laugh.

  As he takes off down the stairs toward the players’ bench that leads to the locker room, I hear him say, “Love you, babe.” My breathing hitches. We haven’t seen each other or even mentioned the love confession from last week. Sitting down in my seat, I glance up and see Jeremy still standing there, waiting with his arms crossed.

  “Love you, too,” I say barely above a whisper. He knows I said it, and he also knows as he walks into the tunnel that it will take more time for me to be comfortable enough to say it in public.

  Standing on the ice as “The National Anthem” is about to get underway, I glance up to see my family and Emily engaged in conversation. Courtney is being her usual animated self and flailing her arms about. She’s weird. I’ll never deny that, but it suits her. I’m just uncertain how she’s blood-related. Mom is seated next to Emily, and I can’t tell what they are talking about, but Mom is giving her a long hug and running her hands over her back. Perhaps Emily just told them she’d be leaving tomorrow for three weeks. Almost a whole fuckin’ month. I thought I would be okay with this. I mean, I really didn’t have a choice either. I’ll be on the road with the Monarchs until a few days before she gets home. The situation sucks; there’s no denying any of it. I just hope both of us are strong enough to make this work.

  The final words of “The National Anthem” are sung, and as I make my way toward the bench, I get a nudge in my side from Dylan. “Hey, who’s the hot piece of ass with your sister up there?” And, here we go. It’s a good thing I play hockey. If I didn’t already have on my gloves and wasn’t making my way to center ice for the puck drop, I’d check him into the boards and make sure he knows Emily is hands off. So, instead I have to keep my top from blowing off right now.

  “That’s my girlfriend, Emily. Hands off. She’s not available,” I scowl as I lean over onto my stick next to the Devils player.

  “Dude, she’s Grade-A meat. After you’re done riding that, send her my way, and I’ll show her just how good it can be,” he says dead serious, staring into my eyes. Dylan is a man-whore, and normally I couldn’t care less what sloppy seconds he gets, but my blood is boiling at the moment. I’m also pretty sure it’s against the rules and player conduct to check your own teammate. Guess I’m going to find out soon enough.

  The puck drops, and everyone starts racing after it, except me. I have another agenda. The puck sails toward the Devils end of the ice, but I only notice Dylan. Gaining speed, I see him trying to free the puck with his skate against the board, and that’s when I check him in the back. His face hits the glass hard, and he’s lying on his back instantly. I hear whistles in the background. Looking down at Dylan, I kneel and stare him dead in the eyes. “You’ll be smart to know Emily is mine and isn’t going anywhere near you. You so much as breathe in her direction, ever, I’ll have no problem checking you into the glass again. Understood?” Dylan rapidly blinks his eyes and nods in agreement as I rise to my feet and make my way to the players’ bench, hearing Coach yell something at me, but I’m not paying attention. I’m only looking in one place. Emily stares at me with her hands over her mouth as if she’s praying. Giving her a quick nod and smile, I wink and she sits in her seat, knowing it’s all good and normal. I see Dad talking to her, as Mom rubs her back again. She’s in good hands for now. After I’m done making sure all the guys on the team know she’s off limits, it will be my hands she’s in.

  At the end of the period, we are winning 2-0. While we make our way back to the locker room, Dylan finds me in the group. “Dude, I’m sorry about before.
I swear, had I’d known that girl was a keepa’ I wouldn’t have said anything.” We exchange fist bumps, silently accepting our momentary truce as I make my way over to my locker. For some reason, the words above my locker mean more to me now than they ever have before. “Embrace Your Future.” Emily has always been a part of my past and my present, and I’ll be damned if she’s not going to be there in my future.

  Coach walks in as we all are seated on the bench, and although we may be winning, he still looks mad. As he is giving an animated pep talk about things we need to improve for the next period, it doesn’t register with me that everyone is staring at me. I must have been lost in my own head.

  “What?” I glance around, thinking I missed something.

  At the other end of the bench, I hear Dylan clear his throat. “Don’t mind him, Coach. His girlfriend is in the stands today.” There’s a group groan and a few coughed “pussy whipped” thrown in there for good measure. Coach laughs, realizing that explains a lot as he walks back to the white board to start drawing more plays.

  As two more periods pass, I manage to keep my focus on the game. We win 4-1. After the final buzzer goes off, I see Emily walk out with my parents. Courtney must have left early; she sometimes works weekend afternoons at a small bakery to help pay some of her bills. She loves photography, but I’m pretty sure she can take up being a pastry chef any day of the week. She’s that good.

  I quickly shower and get my gear packed up and ready to load onto the bus in a couple of days for the road trip. Once I’m certain I’m not forgetting anything, I make my way out to my truck. When I come around the corner to the exit, I have to take a second look. Emily is standing there laughing and carrying on a conversation with Dylan and Bryce. What the fuck?