Frozen Barriers

by Sara Shirley

  About an hour passes, and my phone has been ringing nonstop since we’ve arrived at the hospital. I know it’s Mom, but I can’t deal with her right now. The ER doors open, and I see Emily’s parents walking through the entrance. They say nothing, and no emotion is shown. I stare at them from one end of the room to the exit. How the hell can they even call themselves family? After they pass, Josh comes through the doors toward me.

  “What’s going on?” I stand quickly, trying to remain calm.

  “Well, here’s what I know. Your girl has a good head on her shoulders. Did you know she named Mom in charge of all her medical decisions and financials? I guess she had the right frame of mind to get all her documents changed over just after she moved into your place and made Mom her manager. Maybe if you answered your phone, you’d know that. When I talked to Mom, she was emailing the proxy to me and talking to Emily’s doctors on the phone. She told them in the event that she couldn’t be here to make the medical decisions for Emily to let you in to monitor her status until she can get here. So, if you want to see her…”

  Making my way to the doors, I realize I can’t leave the others. “What about Courtney and Dave?”

  “Sue’s out of ICU and being transferred to a regular room right now. They will both be allowed up there momentarily, and before you ask, yes, the baby is fine. If it weren’t for Emily holding her back in the car before the accident, it might be a different story. Emily threw her arm in front of Sue before they hit. It ended up hurting Emily more, but Sue only had minor injuries.”

  I look at Josh, fearing the answer to my next question. “What do you mean ‘ended up hurting Emily more’?”

  Josh tells me that Emily is in Room 262 and not to lose it when I walk in. Before I go through the doors, he calls my name. He reaches into his uniform jacket and pulls out Emily’s gold medal. “I didn’t want to leave this in her car. The rest of her personal belongings should be in her room. Everything else will need to be sorted through at the tow company.”

  I fear the worst, but nothing could have prepared me for what I see when I round the corner into her room. She has an oxygen mask over her face, and machines are beeping. Her right arm is in a cast up to her elbow. Her right leg is raised, and her foot is in a boot fixture of sorts. Moving to stand by her bed, I run my finger over the cuts on her cheek, letting my head fall to my chest as tears stream down my face. “I’m so sorry, Em. I’m so sorry.” She doesn’t respond to my touch or to my voice. “Please, babe, wake up for me. I need to see your big blue eyes. I know I’m selfish. Call me an ass. Just wake up and tell me to shut the fuck up ‘cuz you’re okay. Please, babe. I love you so much.”

  Sinking into the chair next to her bed, I continue to hold her unresponsive hand. A nurse comes into the room after about ten minutes to check on her. She explains Emily suffered a minor concussion. She should respond within a few days; however, her fractured ankle and both broken right forearm bones will take longer to heal. I lay my head on her bed with the reality of what that means flashing through my mind. No Olympic dream come true.

  Everything that she has worked her ass off for the past four months has been taken away in a few hours. She’ll never be able to handle the fact that the same night her dream was taken from her, mine had come true. She’ll probably resent me when she finds out. What if I’m not the one who tells her when she finally wakes up? There isn’t one positive outcome in any of this. For every positive, there’s a negative. Right now, the only positive is the fact that Emily and Sue are both alive.

  About two hours later, a hand on my shoulder wakes me from my sleep. “Emily?”

  “No, sweetie. It’s Mom.”

  I look up into her somber eyes, realizing she knows I am hurting and tormented by tonight’s events. Standing up, I step into her open arms. “Tell me she’s going to be okay. Tell me she won’t hate me when I tell her I have to leave her after all of this.”

  Rubbing her hands over my back, she sobs with me. “I wish I could tell you everything will be all right, but I’m not sure right now. You just have to stay positive and hope for the best.”

  My head hurts as I hear beeping and voices around me. I can’t move. Why does my arm hurt so badly? I feel someone brushing hair away from my forehead. Where the hell am I, and why can’t I open my eyes? Why can’t I see anything? What the hell happened?

  I remember driving my car with Sue in the passenger seat. It was snowing. I heard her wincing in pain and my hand flew up to hold her back because… Oh my God! The brake lights and the headlights of another car headed right for us… Sue and the baby… Oh my God! Am I dead? Is Sue okay?

  “Sue!” I scream.

  More voices around me become louder, and I feel hands on my shoulders. “Emily, can you hear me? Babe, open your eyes.”

  Jeremy?

  “Sweetie, can you hear me? It’s Grace, dear. I need you to open your eyes. Can you open your eyes?”

  Grace?

  I hear unfamiliar voices and then flashes of white light scroll from left to right and then back again. The cars and the lights flash again through my mind, along with the crunching of the metal as it hits my car. Suddenly, I can’t breathe, and I’m gasping for air as my body surges forward, and my eyes fly open. Screaming and trying to catch my breath, I’m unaware of everyone around me. A nurse gently lowers me back onto the bed, and I see Grace, Jeremy, Travis and Courtney all standing along the back wall while the nurse still tends to a few IV’s stuck in my arm. Glancing at my other arm, I see a cast covering my forearm, and my foot is in a boot. The realization has set in that Sue may be hurt as well, and if my arm and foot are in casts, my Olympic dreams are over. Tears spill down my face as I begin sobbing.

  Grace is at my side almost instantly as the nurse moves out of the way. “Shh, dear. We’re here. Everything is going to be fine now. You’re awake.” She gently strokes my hair as I turn to face her.

  “Sue?” I quietly ask, hoping for the best possible answer. “She’s fine. Dave’s upstairs with her now. She should be released in a few hours. They needed to keep her overnight to monitor the baby, but they are both fine, thanks to your quick thinking in the car.”

  “She’s fine. The baby’s fine, too? How did I help them?” I ask curiously.

  “When you saw the car coming toward you, you must have thought to protect her more than yourself.” Grace nods down to my cast. “Sue said she remembered feeling a pain in her stomach, and you looked her way. When she warned you about the oncoming car, you pushed your right arm out to keep her back against the seat before the car hit, and well, you can see what the result was.”

  Grace turns toward Travis and Courtney, telling them they should go upstairs to see Sue before they head out. Before she leaves, she gives Jeremy a saddened look as she pats him on the shoulder.

  Once the door is shut, Jeremy walks to my bed. “Hey, babe. I can’t tell you how happy I am to see your big blue eyes again. I was so scared I had lost you when Josh called to tell me about the accident. The last twelve hours have been awful, but you kind of already know that don’t you. Sorry.” Jeremy starts pacing around the room before making any further eye contact with me. Is he mad at me for some reason?

  “Jeremy, what’s going on? Why are you acting so strange right now?”

  “Emily, God, this fuckin’ sucks. I probably should have told you this last night before you left, but it was your night, and I couldn’t ruin it. Then, the accident happened and what I have to tell you may hurt you more than that.”

  “You’re scaring me. What do you need to tell me?” I ask nervously as my eyes search for answers on his face.

  “Emily, the Monarchs called me during your competition last night. One of the LA Kings players is injured. They’ve called me up to play for them. Basically, I’ve been traded.”

  “What does that mean? I understand the traded part, but what does it entail?”

  “Well, it means I no longer play for the Monarchs. I’ll be in LA playing hockey for the NH
L instead.”

  “Oh.” This explains why he was acting strange last night.

  “That’s not the worst part. I have to leave for LA tomorrow morning.”

  I blink my eyes rapidly, trying to process all the information I’ve just been given and hoping I misunderstood something, but I know I haven’t. Jeremy’s telling me he’s heading to LA to play for the NHL tomorrow morning. There has been no mention of him coming home. No mention of me included in that statement. He is setting off to finally live out his lifelong dream. Where does that leave me? Can we handle months upon months apart? My skating career is ultimately over. I don’t even have any idea what I’m going to do once I recover from these injuries. Then, there is the big question. Where does that leave us?

  “Jeremy, tell me something. If you leave and fulfill your goals or get traded to another team, where does that leave me in the equation?”

  “Babe, this changes nothing with us. I still love you, but I don’t have a choice. I have to go. It’s part of my contract. You could always come out to Los Angeles if the doctor says it’s all right,” he says without any doubt, but it does change everything with us. A part of me wants to tell him to stay with me, but I know I can’t. I have no right after just four months. I know what I need to do for myself.

  “Jeremy, I need you to go. Maybe this time away will allow me to really figure out what I have in my life outside of skating.”

  “You have me, Emily.”

  “It’s not enough, and it’s not fair of me to ask you to stay with me,” I aggressively say as my hands wrap around my head that has begun to hurt again.

  “Do you think I want to go and leave tomorrow? You think I want to leave you here, knowing I won’t be able to help you through this? I know how hard three weeks away from you was. I don’t even want to think about how long this might last.”

  “You don’t think I know what I’m going to have to go through without you? I haven’t even given any thought yet about what my injuries will include for rehab. I can’t even walk right now! Nothing about this is easy,” I say, as the throbbing in my head grows stronger.

  “Emily, I’ve fought for you. I’ve loved you. Fuck, I still love you, and I won’t stop loving you. You’re going to throw that away because you think you have nothing? Look around you, Em. If you have nothing, then what is my family to you? What are Sue and Dave to you? You want us to end because you’re scared of not knowing what you might find if you break down the fuckin’ walls around you? That’s not fair, Em. That’s called taking the easy way out.”

  “Jeremy, I can’t let you resent me for holding you back in life. I won’t. I don’t know where we’ll be at the end of all of this. I just know that whether it’s together or apart, I need to do this for myself. When you get back, we’ll see where we are.”

  He comes over to sit on the edge of my bed, taking my hand in his. “Emily, I love you. I’ve loved you since, God, I don’t even know when. I’m lost without you. You have to know you are the only thing that makes me happy.”

  Tears sting my eyes because I know I make him happy, but I’m not his true happiness. “No, Jeremy. I’m not the only thing that makes you happy. Hockey makes you happy, which is why you need to go and do this without me. I’m so sorry.”

  He gets up from the bed, placing a soft kiss on my forehead before he turns toward the door. “If that’s how you see it, I’ll leave and let you decide when you’re ready for me to be a part of your life again. Understand this, though.” He points his finger between him and me. “What we have is not over. You’re mine just as much as I’m yours, remember?” Before he exits the room, he turns back to me. “Do me a favor while I’m gone, Em. Please stay at our place until I get back. At least that will give me a reason to come home in a couple of months during the break.” I nod yes to make him happy, even though I have no idea what I plan on doing after this. As he’s walking out the door, I hear him softly whisper, “I love you.”

  He’s gone, and I’m alone in my life all over again, but this time, I’ll be able to find my own direction in life to see where it takes me. I’ll have to fight for myself, and I’m scared to death.

  Moments later, the door opens again, and I quickly turn my head. “Jer…”

  “Hi, Emily, I’m Dr. Cranston. I see you have had quite a night. I’m sorry to hear about your injuries, but I’m here to help you understand the rehab process.”

  Coming in behind Dr. Cranston is Grace, who appears to have also had a very long night. Her eyes are puffy, and she looks tired. Running her hand softly over my hair, she says, “Sweetie, I promise he’ll be brief, and I know you’re tired, but try to listen to him.”

  My head is throbbing, and I want to go to sleep. I’ve had enough agony for one day, but I may as well take another blow while I’m already down.

  “What about the Olympics and skating again?” I ask timidly.

  “I’m sorry, Emily. I just don’t see that in the cards, at least not this year.”

  There’s only one other person who can help me now besides me. “Dr. Cranston, considering my current frame of mind, would you mind bringing Grace up to speed on everything? I’m not feeling very well.”

  I have to leave. If I don’t leave the hospital now, I never will. I would break my contract right now and stay with her; I love her that much. But, Emily is right. If I don’t do this, if I don’t at least see what it is like to play in the NHL, a part of me will always wonder. What if? What if I stay with Emily in the hospital and tell her I’m willing to fight for her tooth and nail just because I want forever with her? No matter how many times I replay that conversation over in my head, not one scenario has a happy ending.

  When I get back to the apartment to pack my things and get everything in order, I see all the ways Emily has become a part of my life. Her clothes in the closet. Her vanilla body wash in the bathroom. Her infinity bracelet on my nightstand from when I took it off as she fell asleep in my arms after making love. That stupid fat-free creamer in my fridge. She has made me laugh more times than I can think of since the end of the summer.

  When I finish zipping up the last of my suitcases, I find the little black box with her ring I bought before Christmas. I never found the right time, or I always chickened out. Now, I may never have the right time after our time apart. I grab a storage box labeled “youth hockey stuff” in my closet and place the ring inside it. I haven’t opened that storage box since I was thirteen, but the hockey stick I went back to the ice for that day, still sits in my closet.

  Today is my first game with the Kings. Already I know that after practicing with these guys, I’m in another league altogether. They are bigger, tougher, and the stakes are set much higher. I miss my rink back home in Manchester. I’d grown so accustomed to my lifestyle there the past three years that this feels foreign to me.

  While I sit on the bench with the players and watch their speed and hits, everything seems unreal to me. In a matter of seconds, I’ll be on the ice in front of a sold-out crowd. I will officially be an NHL player. Why are my only thoughts of the woman who isn’t here to watch me play my first game?

  “Page, you’re up!” Coach blows the whistle and yells, distracting me from my thoughts of Emily.

  Pulling one leg over the boards, I wait for the line change. When my guy is on the bench, I swing my other leg over, and this is my moment. Everyone speeds past me as I move quickly with the stick in front of me. The puck goes sliding in the opposite direction. Skating after it, I try to avoid having it anywhere near the Kings goal. Once I reach the puck next to the boards, I glance up quickly, but it’s not fast enough. A six-foot-three powerhouse is headed right for me. Before I have a chance to think about what to do or where to skate, his shoulder connects with my face, and the back of my head slams hard into the glass.

  I shake my head to regain my vision, and once the puck becomes visible, the whistle blows again. Two players are fighting now at center ice. I’ve had my fair share of fights, but they weren’t
to this extreme. This feels as though it’s all for show. People are cheering. Players are talking to each other. At what point did these guys stop playing for the love of the game, and instead, start playing for the paycheck?

  Three hours later, my NHL debut is over, and I’m back at my hotel the Kings set me up in. We have a morning skate tomorrow morning and will board the jet to Denver to play the Avalanche in two days. There won’t be a bus trip with these guys as I’ve been used to in the past with the Monarchs. This is a completely different lifestyle. Most of the guys on the team are nice enough, but there won’t be any post-game drinks at the local pub. Too many players on the team are superstars in LA.

  As I get ready to shave, I splash some warm water on my face before slathering shaving cream and getting rid of the three days of scruff. I wash and dry my face before changing into my sweats. As I sit on the bed, I scroll through my phone to see if I’ve missed any calls. I’ve probably checked at least fifty times today to see if Emily has called, and still nothing.

  It’s already eleven here and way too late to call Mom and Dad, so I decide to send Courtney a text instead.

  Just checking in. First game went okay. How’s Emily? Miss all you guys already. –J

  I pull back the covers on the bed and crawl under. Taking out my tablet, I check the news from home. The top headline doesn’t surprise me at all, “Boston Olympic Favorite Involved in Accident: Withdraws from Games.” After clicking on the link, I read as the article describes in detail the severity of the accident and the press release about her withdrawal due to her injuries. Another headline catches my eye as I scroll down, “Charles Cameron of Cameron and Dean, LLC Selling Company, Files for Divorce.” Well, that didn’t take very long. I wonder if Emily has heard the good news? I toss the tablet off to the side of the bed, suddenly feeling exhausted from everything that’s happened this week.