I also had a small fondness for my nurse, Sandra, I don't know her last name... but I knew I wanted it to be mine. She had long blonde hair, obviously not gleaming or shining at the minute because we were in a hospital, she was obliged to wear it up. In my head I could see her hair being long and beautiful nearly as angelic as Rapunzel. I wanted to wrap myself in it like a present for her beautiful soul. Every so often she'd have to change my drip, and I’d get a lovely breeze of her hair... it didn’t smell like coconuts or any other stupid conditioner, it smelt real busy like she'd just been running. Something about that made a sensation go down my spine. I took love when I could, she was so beautiful too me that I fell in love with her from the start. I started tearing up when I realized that no one has ever been with me, so why would she, a beautiful girl like her.
It took me a while till I got tired, Fred and Thomas were fighting in my head about the stupidity of my actions. I just ended up agreeing with whatever both of them said because they were driving me into the biggest migraine. I shouted 'Shut up' out loud making me seem a bit odd to the staff working nights. Lucky Sandra wasn't there so I was okay looking a bit insane. All the arguing in my head finally exhausted me out. I shut my eyes which felt like a couple of minutes, Sandra woke me up for breakfast. She did it the same way the cafe did because I asked two years ago for it to be. It just shocked me that she still remembered, that lead me to believe she had a little bit of fondness for me. An older woman came into my hospital room, she looked kind hearted. 'I am Iris Milecent, I'll be helping you through this rough period of your life' I was confused, why did she say rough time. 'Do you know who I am?' I said confused, 'No, not yet, that's why I'm here' she said ever so softly. 'Is this where you ask me about my problems' I asked very sarcastically, to which she just nodded. 'I like her, she seems to care' Fred acknowledged, I trusted Fred's opinion.
She asked about my family, well you can't really call what I had a family. An abusive drunk of a mother and a depressed old man that neglected me and not my sister. I told her how my mother would sit down with a bottle of whisky every night, how she made sure that the bottle had contained no more liquor by the end of the night and most of the times she made sure two were empty. She was the core of hurt in my life, I loved her so much that i'd count the bottles she bought and try hide one or two. I ended up drinking the whole stash after my dads accident, I wouldn't blame her for my love of alcohol, i'd blame myself for trying to help someone that contained themselves so much that the only feeling they felt was anger.
Then Iris moved onto my father, I couldn't really speak about what happened with him. I physically couldn't breathe at times. Choking on the air deeply, but I got to mention how he was a punching bag for my mother which lead him to his accident. When I was seventeen, I saw my dad take his sleeping pills and crush them up, then he made my sisters hot chocolate for the night, which she got every night before bed. I wasn't envious of my sister that she had one of our parents that absolutely adored her, I was thankful that she didn't have the life I did. What haunts me is that I just watched my dad in complete sorrow pour the sleeping pills into my sisters hot chocolate, I was so lost in what he was doing. I walked up to him and asked what he was doing, he put the hot chocolate down and got my mother, he had said that I was talking back to him. Of course that lead him to be shouted at 'You know i'm surprised your mum kept you, worthless piece of shit' she said to him then slapped him. Then she pointed at me and grabbed me by the ear, she chucked me out the house and told me that i'd have to sleep out side like the pigs. We didn't own pigs, but it made her feel smarter I guess. I spat on the ground and said she was the pig. She heard what I said and threw the bottle of whisky she had been drinking at my head, I wasn't unconscious but I couldn't move. I saw my dad give my sister the hot chocolate, I was screaming as loud as I could but it came out like I was mumbling. I started to weep my sisters name, which I've lost past the years. All I remember is her long black hair. That day I was planning on stealing the sleeping pills and killing myself. Once my dad gave my sister the hot chocolate he laid on the bed and waited for her to fall asleep and die. I could see he kissed her forehead then took the rest of the sleeping pills. I closed my eyes, I opened them to a mother crying. Why was she crying. She hated my father and didn't care for me or my sister.
Iris looked upset, Fred was shouting at me to ask if she was alright. So I asked her, she just nodded and started to try get my sisters name. Thomas appeared and said 'You can't remember your sisters name, you utter ass hole of a brother, you are not worth the air you are breathing'. To which I started nodding. Iris's head was tilted like she was intrigued by something. Then she said the one thing I feared anyone asking me. 'Do you hear voices in your head'. I lied. I had to, there was no other way to stay out of the looney bin.
She slowly stood up and took gentle steps walking out, she leaned into the Sandra's ear and tried to whisper but I heard her. She put me on suicide watch, it was nice to know someone was watching me making sure I wouldn’t hurt myself but it also frustrated me that I wouldn't be able to carry out my wish of being dead. I felt like storming out but I knew I had nowhere to go. 'So your father killed your sister and then killed himself, should of killed you instead' Thomas said ever so coldly, it would have upset me but the truth was I wish he had killed me instead of my sister, I knew my sister could have a normal life, she was young and could forget everything that happened to us. My sisters life was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, I would make sure she was okay before I did anything. After one of the times my mother hit me and put me unconscious, my sister was there holding my hand... I think my sister was the only place I had felt true love of another human being. She was so pure she herself could have been a goddess. Even though i'm not religious I believe she's somewhere up there dancing in her youth happier than anyone on this planet.
Two men in suits walked into my room and had said they were there for business purposes, the damage I had done was enormous and I will have to appear in front of court. Iris said that I could plea as mentally ill and the government would pay for the costs. The question is would I want to be classed as mentally ill in official papers?
Chapter 3 – Last Segment Of Freedom
I was tense when I woke up for the day at the court, not knowing what it felt like to be in front of someone deciding your fate was nerve wrecking. Iris walked in with a brand new suit, I don't know where it came from but it was... beautiful, I asked how much I owed her and she said she had bought it for me. My chin became all weak and I started to tear up in happiness, I had told her no one has ever given me anything in my life without expecting something in return. Even my mother expected me to give something in return. I guess that's where I learnt no one will give me a lending hand.
I had forgotten the name of my lawyer but he was a short plump man who was clearly paid by the government. He must have been suffering from some sort of addiction because he was always unshaven and had a loose tie, that wasn’t the end of it, there was something that made me click to him, obviously we wouldn’t end up being friends and having a really unusual story about how he plead for my freedom with the case of insanity. At that point I realized how stupid I was, anger and frustration blew within my veins, some sort off bomb went off, I clenched my fists and stopped breathing temporally. I was holding the explosion in so I wouldn’t end up punching something.
Her hand laid upon my shoulder and calmed me down instantly, I wished for Sandra but it was Iris, I didn’t mind that it wasn't the future love of my life because it was Iris, my only real friend. I breathed in for what seemed like a minute, as I breathed in my eyes slowly shut and I released a relaxing sigh. Past the few days in the hospital with Iris, she'd been teaching me techniques to stop my “episodes” as she called them. She had many quotes but my favorite was “Don't let the light show you where to shine, only you can decide whether to shine or not to”. To me that was saying don't let society tell you you're mentally ill, only you yourself can truly tell
.
Walking out was one of the hardest things I've done in a while, every step felt like a step in shame. The many eyes that starred at the stranger that tried to kill himself, the intense remorse you gather from nowhere tries to drag you back to depression. I hadn't heard from Thomas for a while, of course Fred was still by my side when Iris wasn't there. I started remembering what I wrote for Iris in one of her therapeutic sessions, how I described my self as a sea mine, one push of any button on me and I explode defending anything that I felt you were attacking. There she was so beautiful and so majestic, Sandra.
I made it outside, I saw the black car they hired for the day. Why was everything black today? Isn't black a sort of demonic colour, symbolizing the wrong I did or was it just symbolizing me? A black hole that had sucked every part of joy in life out. I came around and started comparing myself to the devil. The doors opened to the courtroom, I was told that i'd have to wait till my case was to be seen. My hands were shaking in nervousness, I wished Iris was there to calm me down and tell me everything was okay. 'Everything will be okay' I was confused why was she in my head, how is she become a voice. 'Shut up Iris' Thomas had ignorantly interrupted me. Then they both went quiet when my name was called up, I gulped. I started to sweat, I could feel the sweat coming out my pores and traveling down my face.
'What do you wish to plea as' the Judge had said, a small man yet powerful. As I stared into his eyes, I noticed the superior feeling that he was made to feel by the height difference. On the other side of me was a woman. A crying woman, which lead me to believe she wasn't a lawyer, she was a client. The plum of a man which was my lawyer stood up and simply said 'Insanity', well I guess its out now I just thought to myself.
I remember now, before I passed out I heard the shouting and screaming of a women. When she was placed onto the stand to tell her side of the story, I was dumbfounded in my own mistake. So dumbfounded that Thomas didn't bother to try hurt my feelings because I hit rock bottom. She had said how my car simply went through into her lane and made her drive off the road as well. Her car didn't flip, but the force of hitting a tree had made her son fly out of the car and into his death. As soon as I heard what I did, I stood up and went over to her stand, got on my knees, put my head to the floor and kept saying 'forgive me, i'm sorry' like my father had done with my sister. I was crying my eyes out. The guards came rushing to pick me up, they put me back to my desk, I went without force. I was found guilty in the killing of her son, but because of my insanity I was sentenced to house arrest for five years, no visitors, no family, only Iris my psychiatrist. To be honest I didn't have a family left and I didn't have friends so this would be as easy as living my normal life but the fact that I lost hope in ever getting a family back or hope that I would meet someone nice and loving was ruined. I felt loonier then I ever felt before even with Iris by my side now.
Still crying I was lead outside, the chains I now wore would be on me forever, forever dragging the death of another on the back of me. A young boy had died because of me, it will haunt me forever the damage I have caused to another human being, I never wanted to hurt anyone, that was never an aim of mine. 'What can I say, you have felt the lose of everyone you ever loved, and now you haven taken that away from someone. You were comparing yourself to the devil, no need to compare, you are the devil.' Thomas was a cruel man but have I reached his level of brutality the same thing I tried to avoid when I was a young kid, or maybe I was worse then Thomas. I try holding my breath so that I can't cry, but I do and it felt like acid coming out of my eyes, every tear hurt me more and more, the fact I never saw what I had done was worse. I came up with these horrible visions of what could've happened. I've lost that sense of recognizing what was real, everything seemed to be an illusion but I could still feel the emotions towards this controlling idea that was a nightmare. I had placed myself in the boots of the young boy, what he felt I felt. I saw him in the front seat of the car, playing with his toys, ever so slowly and ever so quietly his head launched from the comforting area of his head rest to the shattering glass revolving around his head. He landed so peacefully in the grass with his brains spilled out like a bowl of spaghetti that had fallen on the floor. It hurts for me to say that even though I carry this chain of guilt and shamefulness I also carry with me the envy of his death. Why is it never me that dies?
It sounds ridiculous but that's what was going through my mind, I had a day to pack up my belongings in the hospital. There wasn't that much, just some clothes and books. I guess ill become familiar with those books. My last time to see Sandra, my love. I tear up on the way back to the hospital, I just wanted to see Sandra or Iris and feel the comfort both of them gave me. 'Everything is okay' Fred was there, I hadn't heard from Fred for a long time, Where were you, indeed I asked looking like a looney, the chauffeur looked confused so I pulled the separator up so he couldn't look at me. 'Away, I thought you didn't need me' I asked him where he went again because he is a fragment of my mind, its not like he can pack up and go to someone else mind for a holiday. 'I was here, just watching'. I needed him more then ever and he tells me he was just watching me suffer in pain with no friends. He must have heard me because he said that he went because I had Iris looking after me. Iris was now in my head as well so I don't know how it'll work between them. 'I told you everything will be okay' Fred said,
I let my mind slip into this false reality but when I woke up, I was back at the hospital. There was Iris ready to welcome me back. I felt this big feeling of reassurance, Iris looked like she already knew. Someone must have called her up, 'Looks like we will be best friends' Iris told me. 'We already are' Fred backfired to Iris's remark. I just nodded, I wasn't feeling right, I felt like hiding from the world because of what I did wrong, no one recovers from death not the person who killed or lost or is dead. I caused that.
Back at my room I started packing all my clothes dreading the next day of moving into a house i've never seen before but yet it'll be my home for the next five years. If I survive that long. The uncertainty started killing my insides, I didn't want to go back to a small flat that I had to live in and I didn’t want to move into a giant house that I'd get lost in. The uncertainty is something that has always got me. I guess a big house would be quite nice if i'm going to be stuck there for five years. Spacious is very necessary.
I was walking around the hospital getting a last feel of the place because I knew i'd miss it. Then I saw it, there it was, it was so obvious, starring me in the face, Sandra was with another man. Flirting away like I was nothing. I had an urge to go over there and punch him but Fred was so persistent in telling me not too. The anger I felt came back, I was yet another bomb trying to diffuse himself. Iris must have seen me stare at her all the time because she was there, she came in front of me and repeatedly said 'Breathe in, breathe out'. It was so soothing that I realized I would have to forget about her, sooner or later. So why not now? It was nearly impossible to calm down but I did with a little help from Iris. My heart was broken, I felt broken. The same day I found out my love is dead and I killed another human. 'You piece of shit, no one wants you, not even your mother wanted you' Thomas laughed loudly and cold heartedly. 'No, no, no, no, no, no' I repeated over and over again trying to make it go away, I was in hope that if I denied it, it didn't happen. I can forget about, I can place it in my mental block. I knew I will spend the five years in the house regretting every moment I fantasied over her. It was stupid really, looking back I noticed that all the signs I took as signs were only my mind telling me that I was loved. Maybe it was because I thought I needed love to go on living. I have a friendship now and that will help me live on. But one day I will die.
Chapter 4 – A Prison Of A Home
The day of the move has come. I am scared to step out of the hospital for the last time, even If I do harm myself I won't be carried to the hospital unless its an emergency. I had to read all about how it works and what goes on. I'd have to wear a GPS tracking ankle bracelet, No internet, no com
munications to the outside world, I am allowed letters but I don't have anyone outside of my world to write to me. Walking out of the hospital was one of the hardest things i've done. I think love is an idea of attachment, I was attached to the hospital, was I in love with it? There it was again, a black car. Ready to drive me to somewhere unknown. Once again I am stuck with the uncertain. I wish the car would drive me home, not a new home but the old home I left behind to start a new life. I think I messed my new one up more then I did with my old one.
As we were driving it came apparent that I loved Sandra, even though she betrayed me I still loved her. I would hear her name everywhere, I would become ever so still in the presence of her name. I would become so frozen that I zoomed into another world. A world of my own, where she was mine. Where she loved me as well. I missed times we never had, like the time where I felt her hugging me, when she wasn't, her presence was enough for me to become energized with love. So many coming at once, I became someone else, most importantly I wasn't me.
There it was, after hours of driving, there it was. The house was massive, two story house with big doors, obviously I wont be using the doors because i'm not allowed out but it looked glorious. 'Doesn't look like you'll be suffering at all does it' Fred said to me lightly. Getting out the car I felt all light headed, I couldn't believe this massive house was all mine for five years. The wall of guilt hit me again, I get to live my life in a glorious house when a boy got to loose his life. This isn't the right punishment.
Mortem Locus: Death Room Page 2