The first thing I saw when I walked in was a grand piano, I thought to myself that I will by the end of my time be able to play it. Again it was black, the whole aura of the place was wooden and old, it was comforting, it was home straight away. The floor boards creaked and the doors were stiff. On another hand it was me, the house was me. Old and has its flaws. It was in the middle of nowhere, the next thing I noticed was the spiral stairs which seemed to only end very shortly.
'Its a lovely house isn't it' I nodded back to Iris. 'When do you leave I asked' with a small bit of sadness connected to my tone. 'Im not going anywhere, I will live with you, till you’re time is finished', I couldn’t believe it. A great bit of tension raised and flew away, I knew i'd find a friend one day, I couldn’t be bothered with anything else, I wanted to see my room. So I ran upstairs, there were three rooms, the one closet to stairs was pink and very feminine, the one on the side of the stair was obviously where the masters quarters were and thats where Iris was staying because they had already fitted the padlock in for her, so I picked the last one, it was obviously a boys room, I jumped onto the bed. The bed was massive, king sized. My head swiveled to the right where there was a huge window, that looked over the forrest that lay upon the location of nowhere, which was where I was at the time. I was nowhere, I wasn't me nor was I someone else, I had placed myself in a feeling of neutrality. That I thought was happiness.
It turned dark, there was only the star stickers on the ceiling that lit up, something about all the kids toys reminded me of things I didn't have when I was younger. It felt like I had a third chance to be someone else. Someone better that wouldn’t break down at even the mention of something he didn’t like. The stars got me to think about the universe and how we are not even a blimp on it. It makes you feel small, makes you feel like you are nothing in reality. Yet again reality just leads us into to complete depression because most of it is bad news, we have to write fiction to entertain and lighten things up. I tried to close my eyes, I wasn't hungry or anything so I decided I should just go to sleep.
I woke up early in the morning, at approximately five o’clock. I was hearing Sandra’s voice calling for me. I slowly slid out of bed hoping the floor boards wouldn’t wake up Iris. Sandra’s voice was getting louder and louder, yet it wasn’t loud enough to make out what she was saying. There she was in the kitchen... making coffee? Her hair was down and she was so gorgeous, she came to me, with everything that I hoped for, she was the one to come for me. My love. I confessed my love for her, 'Beauty oh beauty, you are the perfect masterpiece of a perfectionist, you are Aphrodite her self.'
The floor creaked behind me I quickly turned around, Iris was walking towards me but I didn’t care I wanted to see my loves face once more, but when I turned round I screamed pleading it to stop, pleading for her to be okay. Sandra had hung her self, why would she do that. I was crying, rocking with my knees tucked in, saying 'Stop, stop, stop' repeatedly. Iris ran to me, she wrapped her arms around me and in my anger I pushed her away ever so hardly. She just said 'It'll be okay, look at me, nothing is there' I lifted my head from my knees, 'You'll be okay' and with that I let a moan out, like I had a knife being pulled out of me, Sandra was gone, was she just another voice in my head?
She stood me up and started walking me to bed like I was a child, she didn’t say anything but Thomas was beginning to vociferate into what felt like my ear lobe, I felt it throbbing against my ear. I clenched my teeth together in pain and yelled out in pain, 'Shut up!' I yelled out. Iris looked shocked, but Thomas had moved on, 'Not you Iris, i'm sorry I pushed you against the wall', she nodded in acceptance of my apology. I was breaking down I could sense my mind was getting weaker by the minute, it was obvious to me that I will soon not know the difference between my mind and reality. My escape from reality will soon become my reality.
'Can I read you something, its my favorite book', I asked what it was about and she told me that it was about a young girl whom finds hope and makes friends with a polar bear, but the polar bear was not an ordinary polar bear. It was a norse tale about the ice folk and the gods themselves. Normally I wouldn’t be bothered with the whole god idea, because to me thats all it is an idea for hope, in other words faith. Faith given by someone higher in power is something we all look for, I myself look up to Iris but doesn’t make her my god. I snuggled up into my pillows, short but in comfort I said yes.
She went on for an hour reading the beginning of the book. I was in awe of the amazing tale, it got me thinking about what life is actually for, why do we all go through it. I'd hate to have a normal mind but in another hand i'd love to have a normal mind, I could live life as simple as everyone else without having thoughts about death and suicide every minute. They say males think about sex every three seconds, I think i've replaced sex by suicide. Walking everywhere is something that pains me, everything I look at makes me think “How can I kill myself with that”, it turns into a game almost to see how bad I can imagine hurting myself. Thats why I stay home in comfort. No added on thoughts about death because I know my surroundings, I already thought of everything so its my base where I can be neutral, like I said before I trick myself in thinking neutrality is happiness. Maybe it is, maybe i'm just to insane to see it.
'Can I ask you a question' I asked in hesitation, 'Of course' she gently replied. I asked her how much she got paid to do this, she told me not a lot, 'I do this because I like helping people in a lost state of mind like you, I want to help you no matter what, so when you feel lost i'll help you find yourself and when your down i'll help to bring you back up again. Just come to me and ill do my best, because a friend is all that you need, I am your friend, even when this time is over i'll still be your friend, don't forget that'. What she said was the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me and it lit something in the very heart of my, a flame of love, it felt like a found a new mother, a mother that would tend to me when I was down, I knew I couldn't let her down.
She asked me why I hadn’t been taking my medication and I replied ever so softy, I don't want to be a guy so heavily medicated that he looses himself. I don't want to be numb of feelings. She nodded and told me that we will talk about it tomorrow, but before she left the room she turned around and asked what I had seen downstair. 'Sandra... my nurse who I adore... she was hung to death after you came downstairs, I love her'. I guess it reminded me of my sister, someone being killed because of the pain and the pure cruelty of human nature, even if they didn’t want to be killed or dead. What has the world come too?
I guess she wanted to talk about it tomorrow because she left the room, I questioned myself all night until I finally closed my eyes, again looking for the comfort in my bed, it was too soft. After all the hard thoughts I have been thinking of i've come to this habit of hardness so why have I now got the softness of a bed to lay in. I got out of bed and laid on the floor with a single pillow and my bed sheets.
Chapter 5 – The First Day
I woke up late in the afternoon, I could hear the breeze hitting against the windows that I thought were massive. I walked towards them making the floor boards creak, ear-splitting noises. I opened the window letting the air in, feeling the breeze making me feel so free, so in control of my self, I felt like flying again like I did in the car, I got scared something bad might happen. Thats when Thomas said I should jump to my death, I think I would have if it wasn’t for the bars that they bolted to every window. They designed the place to be suicidal free. No sharp objects, the ceiling was flat so you couldn’t hang yourself, and the doors had no locks, just incase.
I went downstairs to the kitchen, which again was old and tacky, but yet still homey. I opened every draw and every cupboard and yet the only thing I found was instant coffee and a kettle, it looked like the ones Sandra had been using last night, it sent a shiver down my spine and put goose bumps on my skin. How could I imagined the same things that were hidden, I looked at the ceiling and there was no way you could hang yourself from it, again it was f
lat. My mind went crazy for answers.
Iris was just watching me going into a questionable state of mind, she had a face that lead me to think she was concerned, about me once again. 'Are you feeling better?' I answered back telling her I was okay and that I was only trying to find something to eat, she told me it was her job to get the food for the house, so she will go out soon. Firstly she lead me to her office and started questioning me, making me think and remember about my life in the past. I fought against her for a bit saying its not who I am any more so why talk about it. I got really aggressive and told her to bugger off, but then she said 'To be someone better you must first notice what you did wrong and better them, so first can we go back and look at what you think you did wrong?' It shocked me but she was right, I need to see what I did wrong before I can be a better man.
First off she started talking to me about why I haven't been taking my medication, I already told her it was because I didn’t want to be a medicated mess of a man, I didn’t want to be someone placed into that category of humans. Lets face it we are all in a certain category, stereotype what ever you want to call its still a label. Then I thought about seeing Sandra, maybe I saw her because I needed to, maybe my lover will come back to me in spirit. Iris interrupted 'You won't see her if you take the medication' it was like she read my mind, but I wanted to see her. My time would go faster if I had the face of a lover around. She said that I should accept reality, that she isn’t and won't be here but I refuse her of being right. She brought the young boy I had killed to the conversation, I begged her to leave it alone. She saw I was hurt and I didn't mean to but she still had to bring it up, maybe I confused her of being a friend and I forgot that she is here to do a job. 'Would you like to know his name' she asked ever so randomly. I hesitated, I don't know if I do, I sat frozen for a while not knowing what to do with myself. I slowly but hesitatingly nodded. Then she said it, ever so quietly but ever so harshly. Fred, his name was Fred, like my Fred, my friend. It was like someone wrapped barbwire over my heart only for it to stab me every time my heart pumped and struggled to grab the blood needed. I ran out of the room, into the kitchen looking for a way out, I finally reached the bottom garden where the small lake was, I got on my knees grabbed my hair and screamed in agony.
I lay still. Quieter then the flat water of the lake, wondering what it'd be like if I wasn’t me. If I had enough energy to smile and not scowl. I sat up, there she was in the water, 'Sandra' I let my lips slip. She didn’t say anything, she walked towards me, my heart started pumping a million times faster. She sat with me, talked to me like we had known each other since we were born. 'Kiss her' Fred said but I was too shy. We ended up skimming pebbles into the lake, I wasn’t as happy as I could be, the pebbles weren’t going very far, which made it worse because it was frustrating me, the more frustrated I was the worse the pebbles got. But when I did try to kiss her, I remembered she was just in my head so I pushed away and ran back to the house. Iris saw me freaking out so she ran outside. Punching myself repeatedly right in the temple, I pushed through Iris and found the upstairs bathroom. Everything seemed to stop when I saw myself in the mirror, I saw the failure I was, I saw what made me socially unacceptable. I tried to look for any shaver or trimmer but I couldn’t they removed every sharp object. So I grabbed my hair, and slowly ripped it away, the agony drove me to scream. I dug my nails into my skin so I could rip the roots out, blood started to go down my forehead. Iris burst in, she grabbed my arms so I could reach my head and sternly said 'Stop!' not because she had to because she wanted me to stop.
I was in her arms, I didn’t push away this time I accepted it, I snugged my head into her shoulder, weeping like a young child. 'Love me... love me... love me...' I once again was a broken record player saying the same thing over and over. I think I wasn’t pleading for Iris to love me nor was I pleading for Sandra to love me... I wanted the world to accept me for who I was and I wanted the world to know who I was.
After a while of weeping, I looked up to her from where I was in her arms. 'Cut my hair please' she couldn’t say no because of the big patch of hair already missing. 'Lets clean you up first' she told me to get showered whilst she went to get the shaving kit. I think she wanted me to go into the shower so I couldn’t see the code to get into her room. When I finished my shower she was there with the shaving kit, she sat me down on an old chair in front of the mirror and started to cut with scissors, it felt like she was cutting away my life, every strand of hair was apart of me, she was removing it from me, ever time she cut another bunch of hair lead me to cry. After she was done, I still didn’t feel like it was me, I didn’t feel free of the stereotype so I told her I wanted it completely gone, everything, every last bit.
Chaos is nothing without freedom and I believe I was born in the eyes of freedom, I was born into chaos. My parents believed they could treat a human being like a rag doll. I am the only reason and example people shouldn't be treated like that. They end up like me, I have no where to go. I am not free, I love being able to say that I have rules, I am a man with rules and I will stick to them for as long as I can. My hair was a symbol of my stereotype, I now have to live up to a new stereotype. I am clean from all the worlds messes and even mine. At that minute I felt not free but in control of who I was in this world. That is what I seek for, the knowledge of who I am. You can call me insane for thinking hair is all that. But everything in this world has some value in some label.
Sandra walked behind Iris, she said I looked good. 'Its a new me' I replied, for the many times I had said that to myself, those words kept digging into my heart, burning into my skin. It became a motto but yet every time I said it, I meant it. Fred, Thomas, and Sandra all were very quiet when I realized I could be someone else. I have not mentioned the words of Thomas for a while, but he is always there in the back of my head and it is only sometimes he comes to the front line. Fred has disappeared and hasn't protected me from Thomas harsh words. Which makes me think that he has abandoned. 'You won't leave me, will you?' I quickly asked Iris whilst I was in thought. 'I will be there when you need me, I will be there when you don't, I’m not leaving' she said. It left me with a smile on my face.
By the time I had taken another shower to get the little hairs that prick you and make you itch off. Iris went shopping, which left me alone for the first time in a long time. So I went downstairs and sat on the front decking where there was a rocking chair. English is a funny language, one word can mean so many, yet one word has one definition. There are one billion words in the English language and yet you can make art with them by placing them in the right order. So I sat waiting for Iris to come back, Fred was talking to me telling me the beauty of English literature, Fred came up with this idea of me writing so I did.
A man is only as true as his heart
A man is only defined by his heart
What about my heart
Is it cold like the wintery days
Is it hot like the sun
You are my wintery days
You are my sun
My Moon
My everything
Don't leave and I wont leave you.
Iris made me read it to her, it was like a spark went off in her mind, she told me that I should be able to write down what I feel because of the emotion put into that piece. One piece got her to be energized. ‘Who was that written for’ she asked I suddenly froze. ‘Sandra…’ I said hesitantly. She had told me I needed to let her go but how could I when she’s sharing the torture of being in this house with me. Sandra started being there a lot more then the others, it seemed like the others had gone away because of her.
Iris said she needed help cooking, so she got me to cut onions, with a dull blade which I'm only allowed to use under supervision. It was still nice to gain that bit of trust from her, I would never intentionally hurt her anyway. She cared for me, why would I… We had potato and onion soup, which was revolting. I endured the pain of this disgusting thing she called food just so she wouldn’
t be offended. ‘Do you want me to read to you again?’ she asked nicely, for some reason I really wanted her to but my lips let something out that I didn’t mean, ‘I am not a child!’ which ironically is something a child would say. I apologized sincerely. ’I would adore your reading’. So yet again she lead me upstairs after we had cleaned the pots, she grabbed the book and started to tell me about the girl with the polar bear, making me think of enchantments and tales beyond the human mind. I could see her with the polar bear; I felt the icy wind blow against their faces, I was with them.
Chapter 6 – Close To An Ending
I did the same thing every morning like I had been for the last several days, every morning I’d open the windows and feel the breeze and every night after dinner Iris would read to me whilst Sandra snugged into me. But today was different, I was at the lake talking to Sandra as we do, I read her some of my poetry I wrote for her and she’d love it and kiss me. Skimming pebbles as far as the eye can see. I felt happy for a long time, everything seemed to be lighter since the day I cut my hair, it was like my hair was the chains of regrets I carried around with me.
Whilst I was about to skim another pebble I heard gunshots, I jittered. I ran towards the front entrance where I heard the shots. It was the mother of Fred, the boy I had killed. She had come to kill me as I had done to her son, but how did she find me. I walked slowly towards her. Tears down her face, ‘You took him away from me! You killed him! Its your turn now!’ before she could pull the trigger Iris came out of her office where she had been hiding. ‘You don’t want to do this’ she said calmly but I could tell she was nervous as well. ‘He killed him!’ she repeated her self. Iris had told her that I was mentally ill and I had a mental break down, she said it wasn’t my fault. ‘It is my fault’ I blurted out.
Mortem Locus: Death Room Page 3