Mortem Locus: Death Room
Page 4
The mother hit Iris unconscious with the end of the gun. I had nothing else to do but run. So I ran upstairs, she fired the gun but missed and hit the bottom of the stairs. ‘Run! Don’t look back!’ Fred was saying but I hardly could hear him from Thomas saying I should stop and place the barrel in my mouth for her. I was starting to agree with Thomas, then my right fist hit me without my control, It was Fred. I ran into my room and pushed the bed against the door. I opened the window and started banging against the bars.
I sat crying after a few tries, ‘Be quiet’ Fred said, so I went silent, hoping she wouldn’t come into my room. I lied under the bed, which I see now as pointless. ‘Cut the ankle bracelet!’ Fred was a genius if I cut it then the police would come and the house would go on shut down. So I started pulling the ankle bracelet, it took ages but it came off and the doors made a locking sound.
I heard her lean against my door, I let my mouth slip ‘I am so sorry’. I knew she had heard it because she shot through the door. She couldn’t see me because I was under the bed so she just gave up. ‘I have one more bullet, if its not for you… its for me’, Thomas was trying to speak for me, ‘Do it you old hag!’ Thomas made me say, ‘No, don’t do it, its my fault, please!’. The next thing I heard was a gunshot, and I saw blood that sprayed through the whole in the door onto my bed.
I was frozen still; I didn’t know what to do. I closed my eyes and wished for everything to be okay like my father did. I heard the sirens of the police, I still didn’t know what to do. So I just la there. Peacefully with the blood splatted on the bed and the floor. Going back to my childhood I always wanted to know what someone else’s blood tasted like, so I rolled under the bed, into the blood. With one big lick I tasted the splatted blood, it took the air out of my lungs and my whole body tensed up, with that I layed with my back to the floor and let the sensation run all through my body. Catching my breath the police barge in and moved the bed. They just stood there and watched me. I closed my eyes for a second and when I opened them Sandra was on top of me covered in blood, but not her own, someone else’s. I felt excited; the adrenaline ran down my spine. When I turned my head, Iris was standing there with the paramedics telling her to come sit down. She walked towards me and cradled me in her arms. ‘Everything is okay, you’re safe’ and she was right I was safe in her arms.
We all ask the same question once in our lifetime, who am I? I sat there being held asking myself that exact question. Why am I the one who is labeled insane, surely if I am apart of a category how do they know that my mind is wrong, what makes them right to turn against me and the way I think. This enraged me, it made think, why am I the one being held against my life, yes I killed another and maybe I lead someone to kill themselves but I know that’s not who I am? or do I? or do we? Do you know yourself?
Time went by and the police had cleared up, Iris wouldn’t let me see the blood that was spilled tonight. I was being taken care of which I loved, but I hated at the same time. I started taking careful steps with what I said to her. I stopped taking my medication. She thought she watched hard enough but I put the medication under my tongue and spat it out the window when she was gone. I knew I was loosing my mind, I decided if I couldn’t be famous or well known to the public I’d rather be infamous.
Dark was once my friend again; it let me think about all that I wish to think of. It let me think of the ways I felt, it let me analyze what I had done in the most cynical way. Telling myself that I didn’t really care about the young boy or the mother, telling myself that blood being spilled was why I was born. Even as a young child I was fascinated with the death of insects. Fred was no longer present and I seemed to get a long with Thomas more, the way he thought became more appealing to me. ‘There is a way you know’ Thomas said, ‘A way of what?’ I replied, ‘Killing him, just imagine it happening, maybe burn him to death or slowly cut him one by one and watch the blood drip slowly out of his soon to be corpse’. He wanted me to kill Fred, the one who had mad me look sane was no longer needed in my true self. I had been looking to be a new someone, trying to run away from the truth, the truth of the matter is that I was born to be around death and pain. So I imagined Fred the voice within my head and killed him slowly with a pen knife slowly digging into his heart. Watching the blood slowly drip down my forearm, licking it up like it was a melting ice cream. I was in deep concentration.
I no longer walked around the house happy; Sandra sat longingly on my bed, as I stared out the window looking for answers. I soon realized I couldn’t see the pebbles. ‘Iris!’ I shouted out like a young child calling for his mother. She burst in as she thought something happened, panting like a dog that had been on a run. ‘Where have the pebbles gone?’ I simply asked. ‘What pebbles’ she replied. ‘The pebbles that me and Sandra chuck every bloody day’ I stated the facts and she looked at me confused… ‘Sandra?... There were… never any pebbles.’ That can’t be. There must have been pebbles, I was always on the lake. She heard me say lake I must have thought out loud. ‘What lake?’ she slowly asked… ‘The lake! The one outside the window! The one outside! Where I go all the time!’ I was so confused and so was she. ‘Get the antipsychotic, haloperidol…now!’ She shouted out towards my door. I looked around everything was getting smaller, without me noticing she had jabbed me with a needle. I started to feel drowsy and passed out.
Chapter 7 – Illusion Of Reality
I woke up, in what looked like a prison room; I was strapped to a bed? ‘What’s going on?’ I struggled to get out of the bed, but the straps were just digging into my skin. ‘Its okay’ Iris was walking into the room, ‘Looks like you haven’t been taking the medication we gave you. You went in your own world there. But you’re okay now’. I calmed down and waited for someone to unstrap me, no one did so I asked to be unstrapped. ‘Unstrap me, please’ So she did the guards didn’t look happy. Once she unstrapped me I leaped for her and hugged her.’
Several days went by and I was still confused how I thought this world was a better one. My life has been an adventure, up and down but mostly down. My mind had made me believe it was worse then it actually was. I decided that today was my last day, if I cant have my lake back and my Sandra here with me, I no longer want to be here.
For a few days now I’ve been noticing that the security guards carried pistols, my only way of ending this of what I call a miserable life was to get a hold of one them. I know now that what I thought was the house is a psych ward. I had been captivated in a room where I had imagined a world to keep me happy, only because I denied myself help. You cannot help a man that does not want to be helped himself. I had twenty-four hours before my next psychiatrist courting. Twenty-four hours of living left.
I lay on my bed and started to play with the seam, trying to gather enough space to put the steel cup they give us for dinner inside. Dinner came along, and I had rushed to finish it. I quickly went to bed with the steel cup and put it inside the bed. I knocked on the massive metal door and told them I hadn’t been given a cup of water. Stupidly they believed me but they had to check before they could give me an extra one. So they walked in, and they only wondered around like they were on a stroll. ‘We will get you one as soon as possible’ one of the guards said before leaving. Its funny they treated me very well for a mental patient, I started hitting the steel cup against the floor making a sharp point, I cut myself a couple of times but I only sucked the blood off my fingers.
Night came along so I waited for my regular check, they knock on your door, you acknowledge they knocked in anyway and then they walk on. That was my last check up. The next morning Iris walked in to do my regular room check, I laid on my bed still as anything waiting for her to come to me, I had the steel cup in my hand. She touched my shoulder so I quickly turned and pointed the sharp point to her neck. I had her held against me so she couldn’t move away.
‘Tell them to point the guns on the floor’ I told Iris. Iris nodded to them so they did so, ‘Kick them to me’ once again she nodde
d. I crouched down with great difficulty trying to keep her in my arms, but I reached one of the pistols.
My hands were sweating and I felt hot. I pushed her out of my arms and started pointing the gun at her. ‘Close the door’ I demanded. The door closed.
So there I was, with a gun in a room I had made a house, a room where I felt I belonged with someone. ‘You don't have to do this you know?’ Iris was trying to get me to give the gun up. The weird thing was, I wasn’t upset nor was I happy. I was in that neutral feeling again the one where I felt numb to the world, like the world had slowed down and id become immune to the darkness and the light. I slowly put the barrel of the gun in my mouth, without hesitation, I pulled the trigger.
I saw my sister running towards me, I wanted to cry but I knew that I couldn’t, not here, I felt freedom be apart of me once again, I felt like flying into an angelic world. This time it wouldn’t go away, I am free now, free forever.