Family Dynamics: Pam of Babylon Book #5

by Suzanne Jenkins

  “You just had a major life change,” she said, not even sure why he left the priesthood, but hoping it was as simple as his disappointment in God. “Give yourself a break, OK? You’re great! You’ll be fine. You’ll be successful in everything you do from this moment forward.” As they walked on the sand, still cold from the previous night, the smallest seed of doubt began to sprout, but she pushed it down. She’d just lost her virginity to this guy. He had to be all the things she said he was.

  Chapter 35

  After Dan left Sunday night, Pam reverted to an ancient routine. She opened a fresh bottle of wine and poured a big glass. Her health was great, and she could drink in moderation now. She knew it was risky to take too much pleasure in drinking alone, but it was somewhat celebratory. This would be the last night she would be alone in her house for a long time. She loved Dan and wanted to be with him. She imagined having him there, sharing her life. He loved gardening, read voraciously as she did, and would take her into the city for obligatory visits. He was a real companion. They had not yet slept together. She was wondering about the wisdom of planning on spending what was left of her life with someone she hadn’t had sex with. It was the old argument for staying “pure” before marriage. Hadn’t that been repudiated? If you loved someone, everything would work out. She laughed out loud. Hopefully.

  The veranda no longer held the same magic for Pam as it once did. She remembered a time a few years ago where no matter how awful she felt, a few minutes out there worked wonders. Now, it was nothing more than a pleasant place to sit with friends—not the answer to life’s problems. How could she have been so shallow? Tears welled up, the result of grapes and regrets. Forgiveness was taking longer than she thought it should. Forgiving Jack was out of the question. It would be cheap forgiveness, the forgiveness that is given without remorse, without restitution. He never asked for it, so truly, the only reason she would offer it was for her own survival. It was the forgiveness she offered herself that was in question.

  She once read that speaking to yourself in the first person was helpful. “Pam, I forgive you for screwing up your family, for looking the other way when your husband was abusing your sister, Marie, when your children were privy to his comings and goings from her bedroom. I forgive you for exalting your own personal freedom above that of your marriage, never questioning your husband’s whereabouts, allowing your sister to act as your stand-in at social events for two decades so that you would have all the free time you wanted.” She stood up to refill her glass, angry that the same old broken record played in her brain. Maybe the only way to move on was by living with Dan. She did love him already, admired him, desired him. What more could she ask for? She sipped the wine and then went to the hallway to get the phone. She took it back to the veranda and keyed in Dan’s number. He answered on the first ring.

  “Do you want to pack a bag and come back?” she asked. He giggled and said, “Why, sure! What a nice offer.” She told him to hurry before she lost her nerve. She was going to have sex with him tonight no matter what.

  The trip to Costco would be postponed so that the Borg– Hageman–Dale family could pile into a rented Hummer and make the precipitous trip upstate. Even though going for just the day, they had enough food and clothing to stay a week if need be. They crowded on the sidewalk, waiting for the rental agency to drop the car off, chattering away with excitement. Deborah was thrilled; she loved the woods and the cold lakes of upstate New York. Zach listened to Ted talking about the possible swap. Maybe elementary education wasn’t such a good career choice; real estate might be more lucrative. When the car arrived and the driver handed the keys off, they looked at each other.

  “Does anyone know how to drive?” Ashton asked. Deb pointed at her boyfriend, smirking. “Zach! Thank God, you are here! Zach will drive, everyone.” They all patted Zach on the back, cheering for him.

  “Wow, a Hummer,” he said. “I hope I don’t sideswipe anything.” Zach took the keys and everyone got in, Deborah in the very back, perched up higher than the others were.

  “This is cool!” she said. Ted was in front, and Natalie and Ashton sat together in the back seat, talking nonstop for two hours. Ted convinced Zach to do an internship with him in August before school started. Zach might like selling real estate. Any degree would prepare him for a career in real estate. Natalie and Ashton listened to the minutia of each other’s lives, as only good friends care enough to do.

  “I was ready to die,” Natalie admitted.

  “Ted saved me from myself,” Ashton confessed. “And now, with all of you, I really have a life worth living.”

  “Me, too,” Natalie whispered. “Me, too.” She turned around to grasp Deborah’s hand.

  “Love you, Mom,” she said loudly. Natalie nodded her head.

  Zach followed the GPS and got to the cabin by two in the afternoon. “We made great time,” he said, and everyone agreed. And then came the oh’s and ah’s as they trudged up the wooded hill to the cabin, the weeds knee-high. Ted dangled keys in front of them and said “Surprise!” He unlocked the door. A conglomeration of old furniture filled the space: ladder-back rocking chairs, several wingbacks with faded floral slipcovers, pine furniture, some tables with cigarette burns, knotty pine paneling. Ted thought it was perfect. Ashton, not so much.

  “This furniture doesn’t go with, correct?” he asked, wrinkling his nose.

  “I like it,” Natalie said. “It’s very upstate chic.” Everyone else agreed. They wandered around. Ted, Deborah, and Zach walked the perimeter, which took about an hour, and Natalie and Ashton did a kitchen and bathroom inventory They decided that the appliances would have to be replaced immediately, as would anything upholstered. Mattresses were history—that was a given.

  They left at dinnertime, stopping along the way at a local diner, indulging in homemade meatloaf and home-baked cherry pie. The mood in the car was cheerful and excited. Ted called the cabin’s owner before it got too late to tell him they had a deal.

  When they got back to the city and it was time for everyone to go their separate ways, the sadness they felt about having to say goodbye for even a work week could not be denied. Zach offered to take Natalie home, hoping to extend the feeling of family just a little longer.

  Ashton and Natalie made plans to go to Costco the following Saturday, and they would look forward to it all week. Their time together was becoming an icon—a shiny, elegant thing, fragile and elusive.

  By the following Friday, routines were being developed that would last a lifetime. Ed and Lisa were at the end of a fun-filled, love-filled week. When it came time to leave Friday morning, she was clinically depressed.

  “I never want to leave here,” she said mournfully, holding on to Ed. “I’ve had such a great time, probably the best time I have ever had in my life.” He kissed her neck and whispered “Me, too” in her ear.

  “We can start preparing our lives for next summer, after you graduate,” he said. “I need to start looking for a job Monday. We can’t do anything until I’m working.” He got out of bed and pulled his shorts on. “Come on. Let’s get this place cleaned up. Then I think we should go to Long Island. I’d like to meet your mother, and we can spend the weekend if it’s OK with her. I’ll take the train back to New Jersey Sunday night.” The idea that he had to go back to his parents’ house was not thrilling. But he was anxious to get started. He would do anything, even be a teacher’s aide, to get his foot in the door of a classroom. He took her hand to help her out of bed, pulling her into an embrace before they started cleaning up.

  He drove up Route 9, shore traffic not heavy. Lisa called her mother to tell her they were coming. Pam was happy, regretful that she’d been so ungracious the last time Lisa dropped in, but more happy that Ryan wasn’t with her.

  Pam called Dan at the office to let him know they’d have company for the rest of the summer, at least until Lisa went back to school. As always, he looked at the positive.

  “It will fun having her home,�
� he said. “I’ll get to know her, and we’ll meet the young man. A former priest, you say? Hmmmmm. Should be some interesting dinnertime conversation!”

  “Now you know politics and religion are not appropriate topics,” Pam said. “I was hoping to avoid cooking this weekend, but I guess that idea is out the window.” When Dan asked why, she explained that Lisa was used to being pampered. It was just one of those things. She was grateful he didn’t criticize her parenting; Dave had made it clear that he thought the children were ungrateful, spoiled brats.

  “Well, I am looking forward to eating your cooking,” Dan said. “I will even help you. Around the wigwam I am known as the grill master.” Pam didn’t know if he was teasing her or just being a smart aleck, so she giggled and said goodbye. She grabbed her purse for a trip to Organic Bonanza. She needed to stock up for company. If she and Dan were alone for the weekend, they went out to eat. With Lisa home, she’d expect three squares a day, including a homecooked breakfast. There hadn’t been an egg in the house for a year.

  Pulling up to the Bonanza gave her a little trepidation; she rarely went anymore, and the chance she might run into Dave was looming. She got her cart and went right for the produce department. As she looked at fruit, thinking what veggies she’d serve, she was surprised to feel a pair of hands on her shoulders.

  “Surprise!” It was Dave. She turned and, sincerely happy to see him, hugged him with her best friendship hug.

  “Wow! It’s great seeing you,” she said.

  “You too, Pam,” Dave said. “I wondered if you were shopping somewhere else.” She shook her head.

  “Just going out to eat rather than eating in,” she explained, immediately regretful for fear it would open the Pandora’s box of questions. But it didn’t.

  “Well, I’m happy you’re here. If you need something you don’t see, just holler,” he said. He waved demurely and turned away to go back to work. Pam was happy he was so congenial but put off slightly by his tone. She thought of the money she spent shuttling him back and forth to California. It would have been cheaper to hire an assistant. A little voice said, Don’t look back. So she left it there, in the store.

  She was going to make her daughter’s favorite meal: spaghetti and homemade meatballs. Standing in the kitchen mixing ground beef and spices with her hands, she remembered doing this when it meant something special. Even the trip to the grocery store to purchase food she would prepare for her family had been an act of worship. She thought back to the days when she would live for four in the afternoon to arrive; she’d have a snack ready for her children and their friends, and it was always homemade. She baked cookies and loaded them with healthy ingredients or made an organic fruit salad. Lisa and Brent’s little friends would come over and stand at the island while Pam worked, and then they would run to the table to eat whatever she prepared. When the children left for college, first Brent and then Lisa two years later, she would wait for Jack. But he didn’t come home until Friday. So she had day after day of filling increments of time with useless activities. She thought she was doing something worthwhile for him, but it turned out that he didn’t care. He didn’t wait for the kids to leave for college to betray her. He’d done it all along, from the time they were newlyweds. She wished she could be certain, but she was almost sure he’d run around on their honeymoon. They’d gone to Hawaii, and she’d conveniently forgotten that he’d told her he had business in Kauai one afternoon and would be gone until after midnight. When he came home, he was bright-eyed and animated. Now she thought that might be a sign that a man had enjoyed wild sex. She saw it again in Jack’s eyes when they’d had a particularly memorable night of lovemaking, and she saw it in Dan’s eyes now. They were in that phase of a new relationship, probably more so for him because of his age. He wanted to do it every night. He was wonderful to her, gentle and patient, but when he was doing it, he didn’t deny himself. And she knew he was finishing, unlike Jack. Gross. Jack couldn’t finish because by the time he got to Pam, he was used up for the day. The thought made her so angry; why was she torturing herself like this? All of her emotion was raw.

  “Stop!” she said out loud. And just like that, the voices went away. She got back to her meatballs and the thought of her daughter bringing a boyfriend home When the meatballs were in the oven, she walked back to the children’s wing to make sure everything was ready for Lisa. Fresh linens on the bed, a scoured bathroom, and fresh flowers on the night table completed the preparations.

  Pam also made a big salad, garlic bread, and apple pie for dessert—Lisa’s favorite. At three, she heard a car in the driveway and went to the window to peak. There was Lisa! Her boyfriend Ed was pretty hunky. She went to the door and waited for them to unload their suitcases.

  “Mom!” Lisa hollered. “Meet Ed Ford.” Pam waved. So this was the former priest. She didn’t think “ex” priest sounded very positive. It must have been very difficult to decide to leave the priesthood. She took in his appearance. Ed didn’t resemble Ryan at all. Pam wondered if they were even related. Could they have been adopted? Lisa ran up to her and threw her arms around her mother. “Mom, thank you so much for letting us stay here. Ed didn’t want me to drive back up here alone. His mother wasn’t thrilled about me staying there, either. And of course, Ryan….” Lisa shuddered when she said his name but shushed herself when Ed came up the walkway rolling two suitcases along. When he reached Pam, he stuck his hand out to shake hers.

  “So nice to meet you,” he said. “I really appreciate this, Mrs. Smith. We had to be off the boat this morning so the owners could spend the weekend. This will be a perfect end to a perfect week.” He smiled down at Lisa. Pam thought “giddy” was a word she could use to describe her daughter.

  “Let’s get your suitcases put away, and then you can get to the beach. I have your favorite meal, Lisa!” Pam put her arm around her daughter as they walked back to the children’s wing.

  “Is Ed staying in Marie’s room?” Lisa asked. Pam shook her head.

  “Come on, Lisa. Get real,” Pam said sarcastically, leading them to Lisa’s room. The bed was made up for two people, with the corners turned down on each side. Lisa started laughing.

  “Mom! How embarrassing,” she said, red-faced and laughing. Lisa looked at Ed to see what his expression was, and he was embarrassed, too. But it’s nice! Lisa thought. Her mother was treating her like an adult. Pam even seemed relieved for some reason. Lisa would inquire about it when they were alone. What could it be? Pam wouldn’t admit it to Lisa, but she was so happy Ryan was no longer in the picture that she would do anything in her power to facilitate a relationship for Lisa, including allowing her boyfriend to sleep in her childhood bed.

  “Don’t be embarrassed. We’re all adults here. I don’t want to know details, but I’m not going to pretend you aren’t serious about each other. You just spent five days together on a sailboat! Come on, get cleaned up and come out for a snack. We can eat dinner as soon as Dan gets home.” She hugged Lisa and turned to leave.

  “Mom, is he the one?” she asked. Pam paused and then said assuredly, “Yes, I think he is.” She smiled and walked back to the kitchen. He is the one, she said to no one, he most certainly is.

  Chapter 36

  The week flew by. Natalie and Ashton were planning a weekend of shopping, including a trip to Costco Saturday morning. Ted still couldn’t get it through his head why in the hell they needed the giant-sized Tide, the giant olive oil, and thirty-six rolls of toilet tissue, but Ashton was determined to buy it and share with his new family. Leonard, their hired driver, would drive the limo and wait while they shopped. Any savings would go to pay for the driver, but Ashton didn’t see it that way. He couldn’t wait to get there.

  Sandra was feeding baby Miranda a morning bottle. It was among her favorite mothering tasks. Tom was still in bed, so the TV wasn’t blaring away, and the apartment was peaceful. Her mind was a blank when the ring of her cell phone startled her. She reached for it and saw that it was Pam.
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br />   “Hi, did I wake you?” she asked. Sandra explained what she was doing. “Do you want to take a ride up to the Bronx with me? I’m dying to go into Costco. Today Dan’s helping his family plant the crops or whatever they call it, and Lisa is planted on the sand with her new boyfriend, Ed. What do you think? I can pick you up in an hour. We’ll bring the baby with us.” Sandra had to think about it for only a second. Costco was the new rage at work. All the secretaries and assistants were talking about the great buys they got.

  Two hours later, Sandra pushing a stroller and Pam pushing a gigantic grocery cart, they walked into the giant warehouse-like space. They lingered at shelves piled high with giant bags of nuts, dried fruit, and baking supplies while baby Miranda sucked on her fingers.

  “I’m thinking Christmas cookies,” Sandra said, loading their basket up. “Let’s start now and freeze.” They were studying the content label of a bag of flour when Pam felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned smiling to see an unfamiliar man standing close to her.

  “Pam?” Ashton asked, heart racing. He’d noticed her minutes before, still attractive, if not more so than she was when he last saw her two years ago. So much had happened since that ill-timed visit. He glanced at the other woman with Pam—young and beautiful, he’d overheard Pam call her “Sandra.” This couldn’t be Jack’s Sandra, could it? Ashton’s heart was beating rapidly, and he felt slightly ill. “I hope you don’t mind the intrusion. I recognized you the minute I saw you.” Pam studied his face, and finally having placed him, was not going to budge. If he wants to spoil the day, he isn’t getting any help from me, she thought, her face morphing from the smiling Pam to the haughty matron.

  “Oh? I’m terribly sorry, but my mind is a blank,” she lied. There was a woman with him. Pam didn’t recognize her, a dumpy young woman who stayed slightly behind him but had an expression Pam couldn’t read. Maybe compassion, or fear. Ashton ignored Pam and turned to Sandra, smiling, animated.