by Ashley Blake
I must have drifted off because I woke up to a pitch black room. For a second I didn’t know why I was in my bed, but then it all came flooding back to me. My stomach reminded me that I had not eaten in several hours so I dragged myself out of bed and threw some leftovers in the microwave. After I finished eating I walked back to my room and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was a complete mess. Makeup was smeared all over my face, my eyes were puffy and my hair looked like a bird’s nest. I went straight to my bathroom and hopped in the shower.
I felt much better as I was drying my hair and when I was done I checked my phone for messages. There was a text from Claire letting me know she was staying at Adam’s for the night and there was nothing from Zane. I know that I ignored his other calls but it pissed me off that he didn’t try harder to contact me.
I decided to settle onto the couch and immerse myself in a book to try to escape the horrible last two days I’d had. I was knee deep in the main character’s heartache when my doorman called to let me know I had a visitor. It was 9:30 and Zane said he needed to talk to me. I let him up and I was shaking as my heart banged against my chest wondering what he would say. What could he possibly say to get himself out of this mess? I saw the naked girl there at his place; I didn’t imagine it.
He knocked on my door and I somehow managed to make my way over there to open it. My palms were sweaty and they slid off of the doorknob, making it hard to open it. I wiped my hand on my shirt and tried again, opening the door to Zane’s gorgeous, but troubled looking face.
I felt butterflies but I didn’t want to, I had no idea what was going to happen with us. He didn’t say anything and I stepped aside so that he could come in. I closed the door and for just a couple of seconds I waited before I took a deep breath and turned around. Zane stood there just looking at me, not saying anything, and I grew increasingly uncomfortable under his stare. After what felt like an eternity I finally spoke first.
“Are you really just going to stand there and not speak to me, Zane?”
“What do you want me to say, Abby?”
I couldn’t hide the exasperation as I let out a deep breath.
“I saw a half naked girl in your place earlier today. I didn’t make that up, I saw her standing there in a towel. Are you really not going to explain that to me?”
“First of all, Abby, you should trust me, so I shouldn’t have to explain anything.”
I interrupted him because I was really pissed. “Before you go on, I have trusted you, Zane. Every time I saw a girl hanging all over you, I trusted you when you said she was just a fan and you had to be nice to your fans. I didn’t make a big deal when I saw girls waiting for you at the end of the bar, I took your word that nothing was going on. But this girl in a towel in your apartment? I would be the dumbest girl in the world if I believed that nothing was going on! So I want to know who she is and how long you have been sleeping with her!”
“You know what? I can’t do this. You do make a big deal when you see me talking with other girls. How about when you snatched her hand away from me the other night when I told you nothing was going on with the girl I was talking to? I’m all about drama free Abby and this, you and me, is no longer a drama free zone and I don’t like it. You knew what my lifestyle was like when we met. I have been very upfront with you about that. I also told you that trust is important to me and I don’t do jealousy.”
I started to panic because it felt like he was getting ready to break up with me. Instead of staying pissed, which is what I should have done because he still didn’t tell me who the girl was, I was actually scared I was going to lose him and I wanted to do some quick damage control. I reached out and touched his arm and he moved out of my reach.
Okay, that is not good.
“Zane, I do trust you, okay?”
“No, Abby, you don’t. If you did we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. So, that girl you saw today? That’s my sister, Alana. She surprised me on the last night of the tour and decided to come stay with me for a few days since she doesn’t get to New York very often. I told her all about you and she was really excited to meet you, and I was excited to introduce you guys, but now that is not going to happen. I don’t think I’m the right guy for you, and you’re not the right girl for me. I need someone who trusts me, I need someone who can support my crazy lifestyle, and I need someone who will be there for me no matter what. I don’t think you’re that girl. I can’t handle the jealousy, that’s not the type of relationship I want.”
“Zane, I’m sorry, can’t we talk about this?” The tears were streaming down my face.
“No, there’s nothing left to talk about. I hope you find the kind of guy you’re looking for and I hope you have a happy life, Abby.”
It was so weird how emotionless he was. His voice was steady and his eyes were cold. I had never seen him like that and it really scared me because I knew he meant what he was saying. He was done and there was nothing I could do about it. I raised my tear-stained eyes to his.
“I’m really sorry, I don’t want this to end. Can’t you give me another chance?”
His eyes searched mine and I looked for some sign that the Zane I knew was in there, and I was met with nothing but a cold, empty stare.
“No, I’m done Abby. I better get going, Alana wants to go out tonight.”
I wiped away the tears trying to compose myself. “Zane, come on, we can’t leave things like this. I’m sorry I doubted you, okay? I really would love to meet your sister. Please give me another chance.”
He looked at me, and I know I saw a hint of sadness.
“I can’t. I know myself and I really don’t do drama and jealousy. You either trust me or you don’t. I have to go.”
He leaned down and kissed me on the cheek and I let out a deep sob as his scruff grazed my skin. His scent was intoxicating and I cried harder as I realized I would never smell him again.
“Take care of yourself, Abby.”
Those were his last words to me as he left me in a heap of sobs on my floor. My body shook uncontrollably, tears streaming down my face, as I heard the door click closed behind him. Zane was gone and I didn’t think he was ever coming back.
The next morning my eyes were red and puffy and I looked a hot mess. I had cried so much the night before I didn’t think I had any tears left. As I looked at myself in the mirror, Zane’s words came rushing back to me and I was overcome with sadness. I wasn’t the girl for him. I tried to tell myself that he just needed time to cool off, but then I remembered the cold look in his eyes. He wasn’t coming back. The tears started rolling down my cheeks again and I turned away from the mirror. I lay on my bed for over an hour staring at the ceiling, thinking about our conversation over and over, and then I got pissed.
What was I doing? I got up and splashed cold water on my face. I had to get it together because that sad, crybaby was not me. I was pissed at myself for crying so hard in front of him and I was mad that I had allowed him to see me so weak. I started to tell myself that Zane wasn’t the only guy out there, I was a catch and any guy would be lucky to have me. I told myself all of that for the next hour and I started to believe it and I started to feel better. I hopped in the shower and let the hot water run down my body, washing away thoughts of Zane.
I thought about all of the guys who had been after me in the past and I told myself that I needed to get back out there. If I wasn’t the right girl for Zane, I would be the right girl for some other amazing guy.
I thought about what I had been through in the last couple of days; not getting the lead in The Nutcracker and Zane breaking up with me, and it was time for me to make some changes. Life was way too short to be unhappy and I was going to do whatever it took to find that happiness.
It was time for me to spread my wings. I was no longer content with being my sister’s understudy, I knew I could be so much more, and I wanted to make a name for myself in the dance world. The only way I would be able to do that was if I separat
ed from Claire.
Zane Andrews was a part of my past and that’s where I wanted to keep him. I knew the right guy for me would come along eventually when the time was right and it would be better than anything I could have imagined. I was looking forward, no turning back…or at least that’s what I thought.
Chapter 7 - THREE YEARS LATER
I was all smiles as I stood on stage and watched the crowd stand to their feet as I took a bow. There was no better feeling in the world for me than finally being recognized for how good I could be, and I had never felt happier in my life. I looked around at all of the smiling faces and off in the corner I saw someone wearing a huge clown mask. I couldn’t stop staring at them as the mask came closer and closer. I started to panic and opened my mouth to scream, when my eyes flew open and I sat straight up. For a second I didn’t know where I was and then I realized I was at home, in my bed, having another weird dream.
For the last three years I had been practicing my butt off and trying to get the courage to leave the dance company where Claire was always the star, but I was afraid. It was weird because I hated being her understudy, and even after all the time that had passed and always being second best, I just was too scared to venture out on my own.
Claire and I had been dancing together since we were six years old and, even though we weren’t on the best terms and she was always the star, I had no idea that it would be so hard for me to leave her. I was able to move out of the condo we shared, but I didn’t leave the building. I lived two floors above Claire.
Claire was the star of our dance company and it had really put a strain on our relationship over the last three years. I had to admit that I had become very bitter about the whole thing and I didn’t really like to spend time with her outside of the dance company. I know she was hurt but I was being kind of selfish, I didn’t want to be around her. I was tired of everyone giving Claire all of the attention and I wanted to be the star for once. I know it was bad of me to act like that, but I was in a very selfish place in my life.
I had plans with our cousin Barbi that day so I pulled myself out of bed and got ready. She was a bit of a handful and, even though Claire couldn’t stand her, I liked her. Barbi wasn’t our blood relative but we called her our cousin because her mom had married our cousin. I thought of her more as a girlfriend so that’s how I usually introduced her.
We were meeting for lunch at one of our favorite restaurants and I was running about 10 minutes late. Barbi was a senior in college and she was home for the weekend so we made plans to hang out that Saturday. Thanksgiving was only three weeks away so I was surprised that she was coming home for the weekend, but I was happy that I would have a chance to see her. She was over the top but she was a lot of fun.
I walked into the restaurant and saw her big blonde hair extensions right away. Just looking at her you would think that she was a playboy model because she had that whole package: big fake hair, big fake boobs and a face full of makeup. But Barbi was a smart cookie. She had a massive crush on my brother Jonny but he only thought of her as family. She always whined to me that he was her perfect guy but there was no way anything would happen with those two. Aside from the fact that he thought of her as family, she also was not his type. I went over to her and gave her a big hug. She turned to me with a huge smile on her face.
"Hey! It's good to see you, Abby!"
"You too, girlie! How has your last year of college been going?"
"Ugh, I can't wait to graduate. I am so over college life. How have you been? Still dancing?"
"Yeah, if you want to call it that. Claire is the little star so the company can't imagine anyone else in the lead."
Barbi didn't say anything for a few seconds and then she looked at me. "Abby, why don't you just go to a different company? I've seen you dance in the smaller productions and you are a really beautiful dancer."
"Thanks. You know, I have been thinking about it but I just have to decide the best time to do it."
"Abby, you've said that a lot. I think this the best time for you to do it, I don't mean to be rude but you're not getting any younger. Ballerinas don't have super long careers and I just worry that you are letting your best years get away from you."
"I know, I'll get it together eventually. Let's change the subject, how is the guy situation going?"
"Fine, I'll drop it for now, but you should really think about what I said. I don't want you to waste your talent."
"Thanks Barbi, that really means a lot to me. I promise I will make some changes."
"Okay, good. So the guy situation is non-existent, Jonny only thinks of me as family no matter how much I tell him I like him. Abby, we're not related but he is stuck on the whole family thing because my mom married your cousin."
"Barbi, you have had a crush on my brother forever, but you know he doesn't think of you that way. I'm sure there are a ton of other guys out there for you, why are you so hung up on him?"
"He is so nice to me and no other guy has been this nice to me. I guess I keep hoping that it will turn into something more."
I gently put my hand on her arm and gave her a genuinely concerned look.
"Barbi, it's not going to turn into something more, you need to find a guy who is into you and stop fantasizing about my brother. Besides, I think he has a girlfriend. He mentioned a girl named Skylar and he invited her home for Thanksgiving."
I saw Barbi roll her eyes and I could tell that she was annoyed.
"Yeah, Ms. goody two shoes, Skylar Miller. I can't stand her."
I looked at her surprised that she had said that.
"Why? What's wrong with her?"
"I get the feeling she thinks she's better than everyone else and I hear that her family is really poor."
That was one thing I didn't like about Barbi, she was an entitled snob.
"Barbi, it doesn't matter if her family doesn't have any money, all that matters is that she is nice to my brother. Does she really think that she's better than everybody or is that your jealousy talking?"
Barbi stuck her lip out and pouted like a baby.
"You don't even know her and you're taking her side."
"No, I’m not, I just think you are probably letting your emotions get the best of you. I know my brother and he would not be attracted to a girl who thought she was better than everyone else.”
Barbi was quiet for a few seconds and I could see that she was letting my words sink in.
“I just like him so much, Abby.”
I felt a little bit sorry for her because she was totally smitten and my brother just was not into her.
“I know, Barbi, but you need to move on. It’s not going to happen between you and Jonny.”
“I know you’re right, I do need to focus on other guys. Speaking of that, there’s a new bar opening in SoHo tonight, do you want to go with me? It’s supposed to be a really hot bar, very New York.”
“Sure! I’m always up for finding a new place to hang out. Maybe we’ll both meet cute guys tonight.”
I hadn’t had a serious boyfriend in about six months and the last guy I dated was Sean, and we dated for a little over a year. I liked him but there weren’t any huge sparks between us, we kind of just settled into a familiar thing and it was drama free. I realized that after a year of dating when I didn’t care whether or not I saw him, I was done with the relationship. I had not dated anyone since him and I knew that my problem was I had never really gotten over Zane.
I had not seen Zane since he broke up with me three years before and, no matter what I did, I couldn't get him out of the back of my mind. Whenever I saw a guy, or talked to a new guy, I always compared him to Zane. I was ready to meet someone new so that I could get Zane out of my mind once and for all. Going to opening night of a new bar was going to be a lot of fun and it would be the perfect way to meet someone new.
“What time do you think we should get there?”
“My car can pick you up at 10:00, if that works for you.”
&n
bsp; Her smile brightened her face. “Yeah, 10:00 is perfect.”
We ate lunch and then I had a few errands to run before rehearsal later that afternoon. We were putting on a limited run production and I actually had a pretty big part, for once. Claire, of course, was the lead but I didn’t care, I was just excited that I was going to be able to dance in front of an audience. It’s not like I never had the chance to dance, I did, it’s just that Claire always got the big roles.
When I walked into the studio a few hours later, she was stretching at the bar and I also quickly began to warm up. We didn’t speak and that was fine with me. Claire had become somewhat of a prima donna and she was kind of full of herself. I was surprised that she turned out that way because for the longest time she was really supportive of me and she used to encourage me. She was much different than the girl she was three years before. That was the main reason we barely spoke to each other, her head was way too big. And I guess if I was being honest with myself, I was envious of her position.