Stand-In Star

by Rachael Johns

  All lies of course. Despite the light heartedness of her tone, Holly’s world had just ended. She’d never been a big believer in love at first sight or falling so hard and fast for another person but she did believe in concrete facts. And the pain she felt right now, so much more intense, so much more impossible than anything she’d nursed in the past, was real.

  Nate stood before her, frozen, like he couldn’t move or speak if his life depended on it. He looked crushed and part of her wanted to reach out to him and tell him it was all going to be okay.

  She resisted. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to use your house for a few more hours and catch some sleep before my flight.”

  He cleared his throat and nodded. “Of course. Do you want to leave now or are there still people you need to catch up with inside.”

  “We can go.” After the conversation they’d had, with the awkwardness that hung like death between them, there was no chance he’d try to seduce her now. And that was the only reason she’d been indulging in mindless chatter with anyone and everyone tonight. Something inside her pouted at this thought, but she gave it a big talking to and forced herself down the impressive stairs in front of him. Behind her, she heard Nate talking on the phone to his driver, requesting a pick-up ASAP.

  Her whole body ached with fatigue, but sleep would be unlikely until she was safely back on Australian ground.

  Horrible silence filled the interior of the limo as they travelled back to Nate’s place. They sat on opposite sides of the car, Nate fiddling with something on his cell and Holly staring aimlessly out of the window. Hollywood still buzzed with life, but despite being proud of Daisy’s win, her heart wasn’t up to any more celebrating.

  The awkwardness didn’t end once they were inside the house. Nate closed the door behind them and Holly wasn’t sure whether to flee to her room or try for some kind of good night. She hadn’t wanted things to end like this—it was her own stupid fault.

  Nate couldn’t escape her company fast enough now a quick romp wasn’t on the agenda. He barely looked at her, seemed to have to force words of good luck and goodbye out of his mouth before he was the one who all but fled up the stairs.

  Chomping hard on her lip, her whole chest aching with heaviness, Holly clung to the Oscar statue Nate had kept safe for her while she’d been mingling at the parties, and fought the strong urge to run after him and tell him she’d be fine with just one more night.

  Because that would be another lie.

  * * *

  Nate knew he wouldn’t sleep, but neither was he in the mood for a late-night swim and the gym would be closed by now so a punching bag wasn’t an option either. He couldn’t believe he’d called Holly “Daisy.” Of all the stupid slip-ups.

  He was simply exhausted and wound-up but she’d never see it that way. And, after her confession of love, he wasn’t sure it’d be wise to try and convince her.

  He blew out air as he roughly ripped the buttons of his shirt open, pulled it off and then shucked his pants. He tried to lay his head down on the pillow after that but despite closing his eyes, sleep eluded him.

  Holly’s words spun around his head making him feel as if he’d been on a thrill ride that had left him dizzy and nauseous. In the heat of the moment, she’d blurted that she loved him.

  He racked his brain for other people that had said the same. Once upon a time, when he was very little, his mother used to tell him, but then that’s what mothers were supposed to do. Love their children unconditionally. His sisters always said “love you” at the end of phone conversations, but no woman he’d ever taken to bed had told him so in a way that actually sounded like they meant it.

  She was worthy of more than his love—she was worthy of the world. He wished more than anything that he could love her back, but he didn’t think he knew how.

  * * *

  Her laptop tucked away in its case and her suitcase packed with Daisy’s statue wrapped in the middle of it, Holly took her stuff down the stairs to wait for the taxi. Her ears were on high alert as she listened for sounds of Nate. Would he offer to take her to the airport? Should she accept?

  But she heard nothing.

  Although in her heart, she knew it would be better to walk away and never see him again, she couldn’t help craving one last interaction. She thought she deserved an award for turning him down last night and she only hoped it meant she’d get over him sooner.

  “Morning, Holly.”

  So consumed with her own thoughts, she jumped at the sound of Ruby coming out of the living room, a feather duster in her hand.

  “All set for your flight?”

  “Ah…Yes.” She nodded, having forgotten for a second what flight Ruby meant. Her life in Australia seemed so far removed from everything that had happened this past week. She pulled herself together. “Listen, I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for me this week. For looking after me and feeding me. I hope you and Mr. Ruby have a fabulous thirtieth anniversary.” Compelled to hug the woman who’d been kind to her from the start, she put her bags on the floor and embraced Ruby tightly.

  Ruby hugged her back. “Say nothing of it, precious. I enjoyed having a real woman around the place. By the way, an envelope came for you this morning.”

  Holly pulled out of the embrace. “An envelope?”

  “Yes, I’ll get it.”

  Curious about what would be coming for her, Holly followed Ruby into the kitchen. On the pristine bench top sat a lone white envelope. Ruby handed it to Holly and she opened it, quashing the brief thought that maybe it was something important from Nate. Really, why on earth would he leave her a letter?

  Her mouth popped open when she found a check inside from the television company that produced the morning show she’d appeared on. The number of zeroes baffled her. She fingered the envelope while contemplating what the hell to do with the money. Sure, she could spend it on paying off bills or upgrading her wardrobe, but it felt like a tribute to Daisy and she wanted to do something important, something that would really make a difference and be a lasting memory of her sister.

  She glanced up at Ruby again. “Is Nate around?” Her voice sounded shaky and maybe this was just some crazy excuse to see him again.

  “Nope.” Ruby held her hands up as if to say she didn’t have a clue about him. “He left me a note to make sure I strip and wash all the beds today but his bed was cold when I got to it. I’d say he’s been at work since before daylight.”

  Holly swallowed. She couldn’t talk but she tried to nod. Did he want the beds stripped to eliminate any lingering smell of her? Nausea plagued her at the possible reasons for his haste. Either their liaison really meant nothing to him or he wanted the sheets clean and ready for his next conquest. No, she couldn’t have fallen for someone that shallow.

  “Thanks, Ruby,” she said finally.

  Ruby snorted. “Hmph. He could have at least come back to say goodbye.”

  “It’s okay.” Holly rushed, not wanting Ruby to look into her eyes and see that it was anything but. “We said our goodbyes last night.”

  Ruby raised one eyebrow and looked set to say something when the intercom buzzed on the kitchen wall. “Yeah?”

  Holly almost sniggered at Ruby’s unprofessional greeting.

  The voice on the other end didn’t seem fazed. “Cab for Holly McCartney.”

  “I’m coming,” Holly called over Ruby’s shoulder, desperate not to stay in this house—his house—a minute longer. “Give me one moment.”

  Hastily, she found a pen in the side of her laptop bag, bit off the lid and leaned against her suitcase. First she endorsed the check over to Nate’s shelter and signed her name, then, she scribbled on the back of the envelope.

  Enclosed is a donation to the shelter. You do great work there. Thanks for everything. Holly.

  She restrained herself from adding “love” or an “x” to her name. He knew how she felt.

  “Can you give this to Nate?” she asked, holding the envelop
e out to Ruby.

  Sighing sadly, Ruby nodded and took the envelope. Holly gave Ruby another kiss goodbye and without allowing herself a backward glance at Nate’s mansion, she rushed down the driveway to the cab. As the driver headed for the airport, she tried to focus on the sites as they flew by. Who knew if she’d ever be back here? Right now the thought was just too painful, but surprisingly she’d liked L.A. in a way she’d never dreamed possible.

  Holly paid the driver and was glad when she entered the airport to see that her flight hadn’t been delayed or cancelled or anything horrible like that. She bypassed the bookshop at the airport, her hand resting on her bag, which held Daisy’s diary. She’d decided she would read it—she owed that much to her sister.

  And in the end, it was Daisy’s diary that made the journey fly by. The pages turned out to be much better—far more uplifting and enlightening—than any airport paperback could be. She thanked the Lord for the little old man who sat beside her and snoozed away most of the journey. She wasn’t in any mood for conversation, even one-sided conversations like the one the neurosurgeon had inflicted on her during her last flight.

  So she sat back and read.

  To see inside Daisy’s head felt like a lottery win, too late. The things—lovely things—she said about Holly and how she admired her and wished she could be more like her, tore at Holly’s heart. To think two sisters—who should have been close—had kept a distance from each other because they each thought the other more superior. Holly’s mind boggled at Daisy’s confession that she’d been jealous of Holly’s simple childhood. She wished she could have told Daisy that chess club and piano lessons weren’t all that enthralling and that she’d always assumed her parents didn’t think her good enough for the modeling, singing and dancing lessons Daisy had done. Daisy’s diary told her otherwise.

  But it was Daisy’s entries about Ian that had the tears spilling down Holly’s cheeks. How had Holly never seen that Daisy had liked Ian all her life? She shivered as her sister described despair at finding out Ian and Holly were together. Her pages and pages about how she’d almost not come back to Australia for Holly’s wedding, how she wished like anything she had stayed away. Daisy obviously hated herself for her actions—regretted having feelings for Ian at all, never mind acting on them. Holly waited for the usual anger to rear its head, but it didn’t. Daisy’s love for Ian shone through her words, a love far stronger than Holly had ever felt for her husband. Shame filled her.

  How could she hate Daisy for acting on such intense feelings? Holly had never felt such desperate passion until she’d met Nate, but now that she had she finally felt she had some sort of understanding of Daisy’s unfortunate predicament.

  To think that if it weren’t for Nate, she may never have had any insight into all of this. Was it better to know? After much pondering, she decided yes. If there was one thing that came out strong in all Daisy wrote it was her wish that she could have righted her wrongs. Hopefully she was watching Holly read from somewhere above and knew she’d been forgiven.

  For that reason, Holly would never regret her week with Nate.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Late on Monday afternoon, Nate returned to an empty house. Ruby was gone for the day and despite the fact he often got home after she’d left and had lived on his own for over a decade, the emptiness hit him like a slap to the face the moment he stepped in the front door.

  Was this all he’d ever come home to? Wasn’t that what he’d always wanted?

  He closed the door behind him and looked around. Thank God Holly would still be in midair, otherwise he may not have been able to resist the urge to pick up the phone and call her just so he could hear her voice. But what would he say?

  She’d thrown his life off course in less than a week. He didn’t know what he felt about her. He’d thought a day of taking photos and getting back to his usual routine would help cure the listlessness, but it hadn’t. He’d had to apologize to his client—a very high-profile actress—twice because he’d drifted off into his own little world. A world where Holly was resident. Damn!

  Wanting to kick something, he walked farther into the house and noticed an envelope on the hall side table. Most of his mail went to the studio, where Louise expertly dealt with it—only bringing things to his attention if necessary. He picked up the stray envelope and noted it was addressed to Holly. A sense of gloom swept over him. He’d have to forward it onto her, which would mean finding her address. Of course, he could give the job to Louise. About to put the letter back down, he turned it and noticed decidedly female scrawl on the back. His heart jolted as he read the message.

  Curious, he rushed to peer inside the envelope. A check for an absurd amount of money fell out. He peered inside hoping for something else—maybe a letter that elaborated on the short message on the back—but there was nothing.

  He was frozen to the spot, staring at the check and pondering Holly’s amazing generosity when his front door vibrated with knocks.

  It sounded like a whole tribe of people. Hardly in the mood for company, he strode to the door and swung it open.

  “Bec? Linc?”

  His sister threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his tense body. Linc stood behind her with a massive bag of what smelled like takeout in one arm and two bottles—one champagne, one soda—in his other arm.

  “Thank you thank you thank you,” gushed Bec, still clutching him tightly. “It’s been less than a day and already business is booming from the Awards’ publicity. Is Holly still here? I have to worship her.”

  He rolled his eyes at Bec’s dramatics. “She left this morning.”

  Bec pulled back and raised one eyebrow at him. “Is that why you’re wearing such a scowl on your face?”

  “I am not.”

  “Yes, you are.”

  Nate was in no mood for a childish game of am-not-are-too. “Linc, tell her she’s being ridiculous.”

  His traitorous near-brother-in-law, shrugged his shoulders. “You do look tense.”

  Nate opened his mouth, not sure whether he wanted to snap that he wasn’t tense—which was a blatant lie—or invite them in as distraction from his self-pity party.

  “Did you tell her how you felt?” Bec’s voice was serious, her expression almost pitying.

  He frowned. “What are you talking about?”

  “Oh, Nate,” Bec said, reaching out to take his hand. He wondered if his sister could see right through him. “You were different around Holly. Happy. You really like her, don’t you?”

  Something snapped inside him. “Of course I like her. What’s not to like? I can’t think about anyone or anything else. It’s driving me insane.”

  Bec grinned at Linc. “I think my big brother has fallen in love.”

  Linc grinned back. “Looks that way.”

  “Love?” Nate felt as if he needed to sit but the only place to do so was the staircase. He walked back and flopped onto the bottom stair. Love? The concept was so alien to him. How could something he didn’t think he believed in make him feel so off-kilter? So lost.

  “Yes, Nate. Love. It’s the mutual respect and desire between two friends who can’t bear to be without each other.” Bec looked at Linc and smiled. Then she turned back to Nate. “Sound familiar?”

  Nate thought of Holly and how he’d shared with her things he’d never felt comfortable telling anyone else. He thought of the sparks that flew when they were together. And the rock-bottomness he felt now that she was gone.

  Bec didn’t wait for his answer. “You look awful. Why didn’t you ask her to stay?”

  Because the thought had never crossed his mind. He’d known her less than a week. For someone who hadn’t thought he believed in love that was a hell of a short time to succumb to it.

  He looked up at his sister and finally opened his heart.

  “Because what if I’m like Dad?” The admission shocked and pained him. Oh God. He dropped his head into his hands. His one fear finally voiced. For years he
’d had a wall around his emotions that even he hadn’t analyzed them properly.

  Bec and Linc were silent. So quiet that Nate finally looked up to see if they were still there.

  “You are kidding, right?” Bec said. “You could never be like him. You’ve always looked out for us, always cared, always provided. You’re like that with everyone—your work at the shelter shows that. I fear Dad was born a selfish pig. You were born doing everything you could for those around you. Now it’s time to look out for you.”

  Bec didn’t like talking about her teenage troubles but he had to ask. “If I was so damn great, why didn’t I see you were in trouble? Why didn’t I save you?”

  Bec scoffed, shaking her head as if she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Don’t blame yourself for my eating disorder.” She tried to make a joke. “That was my screw up. While you were out taking photos to keep us from crossing the poverty line, I was wallowing in self-pity. That’s my character fault, not yours.”

  If he were a drinker, this would be the time to say he needed something stiff. Instead, his thoughts went to Holly’s envelope, now slightly crumpled in his hand. Her words were kind but short, riddled with a finality he suddenly realized he didn’t want.

  He wanted to talk to her about her feelings, about his. And he desperately needed to see her again.

  So, that was love? The knowledge felt better than any success he’d ever had professionally. Suddenly it seemed oh so clear why he’d always found it easy to keep emotion out of sexual encounters. He hadn’t invested himself in any of them. But without making the decision to, he’d invested himself in every moment shared with Holly. He’d taken longer to make a move on her than with any other woman before, because even back then, he’d known he had so much more to lose if he screwed it up with her.

  And he had screwed it up. He’d let her go home without telling her how he really felt. That she meant the world to him. He hoped it wasn’t too late to let her know and he couldn’t afford to waste another moment.