The Harder You Fall

by L A Cotton

  “No, he doesn’t. But sometimes, blaming someone is easier than accepting the truth.”

  “I just feel like this is karma. That I’m paying my dues for leaving Fallowfield Heights and abandoning Jermaine.”

  “Mya, Mya, Mya, for a bright, intelligent girl, you really are quite the fool sometimes. This isn’t karma. This is life. And life can be hard and messy and painful. You got out of Fallowfield Heights because you knew if you stayed, you’d end up hurt again, or worse. Ain’t no life for a girl like you there. Your mama knew that. Keelan knew that. And deep down, Jermaine knew that. Don’t ever feel guilty because you got out. Because you made the hard decision and walked away.”

  “Why couldn’t he just let me go?” I cried, clinging onto her. “Why did he have to come back?”

  “Because while you were strong enough to let him go, he was weak. Jermaine will pay for his sins, Mya. One way or another he’ll pay.”

  Even now, it still didn’t make me feel any better. There had been too much hurt and pain.

  “Your guidance counselor called,” Aunt Ciara said. “She’d like to see you tomorrow if you’re up to it?”

  Drying my eyes with my sleeves, I nodded. “I should go back to school anyway.”

  “That’s my girl. Don’t ever forget who you are and where you came from, Mya. Being born and raised in Fallowfield Heights is a part of who you are but it doesn’t define you.”

  “Thank you, for everything.”

  “For my favorite niece, anytime.” Her laughter made me smile. We’d had a rocky time recently, but when all was said and done, we were family, and no matter what happened, I knew she would be there for me.

  “Hey,” I said as I walked up to Felicity, Hailee, and the guys.

  “Mya, thank God.” Felicity enveloped me in a hug. “I’ve been so worried.”

  “I’m okay.” I wasn’t, but I would be.

  I had to be.

  “Hey, Mya.” Hailee hugged me next, concern radiating from her.

  “How is he, really?” I asked, my eyes finding the two people who would know better than anyone. But I was greeted with silence.

  Eventually Jason cleared his throat. “I’ve got to go, catch you later.” He kissed Flick before heading off into the building.

  “Did I do something wrong?” I clutched the strap of my backpack.

  “It’s not you.” Felicity gave me a warm smile, but I knew she was lying. Jason blamed me. Just like everyone else in town.

  “I have a meeting with Miss Hampstead, I’ll see you later.” Hurrying away from them, I kept my eyes down, trying to block out the low hum of whispers following me.

  I heard she’s in a gang.

  The bullet was meant for Asher instead.

  She should just go back to where she came from before anyone else ends up hurt.

  But my once thick skin was worn now and no matter how much I tried to ignore them, their voices only rang louder.

  “Mya, come in.”

  Miss Hampstead liked to provide service with a smile, and today, despite the circumstances, was no different. I guess that was a prerequisite of being the school guidance counselor; you smiled regardless.

  “How are you?”

  “I’m holding up, if that’s what you mean.”

  “And Asher, is he—”

  “Asher is focusing on his mom right now.”

  She flinched. “Of course. Well, I really just wanted to make sure you were okay. I know how quickly rumors circulate the halls at school let alone the town.”

  “It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

  Four months ago, I would have believed that. But that was before Asher had smashed through my walls and buried his way deep inside my heart.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Her expression softened as she relaxed in her chair.

  “What is there to say?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. Lots of things I should imagine. How did seeing Jermaine again make you feel? How do you feel now he’s been arrested with the probability of spending a long time behind bars? I should imagine it’s put a huge strain on your relationship with Asher. Maybe we should start there?”

  “You want to know how I feel?” Miss Hampstead nodded and I sighed. “I’m tired.” My lips thinned, a vortex of emotion swirling inside me.

  “I’m tired of people thinking they know about me, about my life. I’m tired of being judged on the color of my skin and not what’s beneath it. I’m tired of people asking me how I am, knowing that they probably won’t like my answer. But most of all, I’m scared. I’m so scared that Juli... Mrs. Bennet won’t pull through and that I’ll lose Asher for good and that I’ll never be able to walk down the street again without people looking at me like I’m the one who pulled the trigger. So yeah, that’s how I’m feeling.”

  Silence enveloped us as my words, my pain, hung heavy in the space between us.

  “That’s... a lot to carry around with you.”

  I drummed my fingers against my thigh, desperate to escape her small office, even if part of me wanted to stay here forever.

  “Maybe some time off—”

  “You think I should hide?” I scoffed, indignation skittering up my spine. “That’s your solution?”

  “Mya, calm down.”

  I. Lost. It.

  “Don’t tell me to calm down. My ex-boyfriend came here and threatened my boyfriend and his family with a gun. A gun, Miss Hampstead. Mrs. Bennet was shot and everything is falling apart around me and I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to deal with that.” My chest heaved as I purged all the frustration and anger and fear and heartache.

  Asher didn’t need to tell me what, deep down, I already knew.

  Regardless of what happened to his mom, we were over.

  There would always be a part of him that would blame me, just like there would always be a part of myself that blamed me. We couldn’t move on from that. Even if we did work through it and find our way back to one another, it would always be there. Festering in the background like a wound that refused to heal. Spreading bigger over time. Its poison slowly bleeding into everything around it.

  “Here.” She pushed the tissue box toward me. “Feel better?”

  “A little, I guess.” I gave her a half-hearted shrug, surprised at how much lighter my chest felt.

  “You need to talk, Mya. If not to me, then a friend or your aunt. You’ve been through a lot, and it isn’t over yet.”

  “I know.”

  The police would want me to testify against Jermaine. I was a crucial witness. But testifying against him could make me a target again. Especially if the police used his gang affiliations to build their case.

  “My door is always open, whatever you decide. And try to remember that when people judge you, Mya, it says more about their character than yours.”

  “Is that your way of saying we’re done?” I managed a tentative smile, and Miss Hampstead chuckled.

  “I have a feeling we’ve dug deep enough today. I know this is hard and things feel like they’ll never fix themselves right now, but you will get through this.”

  “Thanks.” Grabbing my bag, I stood up and steeled myself for class. Because something told me if I wanted to survive the next few weeks at school, I was going to need all the strength I could get.

  “Hey, Mya,” Cameron jogged up beside me as I was heading out of school. It had been a relief when the final bell rang and I could escape the constant whispers and stares.

  “Hey.” This wasn’t awkward, at all.

  “Can we talk?” he asked.

  “I was going to walk home but I wouldn’t say no to a ride.” It was cold out and thanks to a diet of saltine crackers and milk, my energy levels were low.

  “Come on.” Cameron smiled, leading the way to his car. “Ladies first.” The passenger door swung open and he motioned for me to get in.

  “I can see why Hailee loves you.”

  “I try.” He chuckled, moving around to the driver’s side
. “How are you holding up?” Cameron asked as he drove out of the parking lot.

  “I’m not going to lie; it’s been a tough few days.”

  “You know, I talked to him, tried to make him see this is not your fault.”

  “You didn’t need to do that.” My voice quivered but I forced down the tears. I’d cried enough.

  “Yeah, I did. Asher needs you, Mya. More than he knows right now. Something’s different with him this semester. He’s... distant and closed off and I sense this building tension between him and his dad. At first, I thought it was just about you. But then he told us he wasn’t going to commit to the Panthers and something didn’t fit. Jason’s right, football was always the dream. Maybe me and Ash don’t stand a chance of going pro like Jase but it’s still in our blood.”

  “Why are you telling me all this, Cameron?”

  “Because I know he’s pushing you away and I know you’re probably going to let him. And I get it, I do. But what the two of you have, it deserves to be fought for.”

  “I can’t be the only one fighting though.” My head dropped back against the seat, a harsh breath leaving my lips. “You know everyone told me he’d hurt me. My aunt, my friends back home, even Miss Hampstead warned me about getting involved with a Raider.”

  “You’re talking like you’ve already given up.” His heavy gaze burned into the side of my face but I didn’t look at him.

  I couldn’t.

  “He won’t even reply to my texts, what would you have me do?”

  “Actions speak louder than words, Mya. He’s in a bad place, and I’m worried if someone doesn’t pull him out soon, we’ll lose him.”

  His words were like a knife to the heart. I’d walked away once from a boy I loved to save myself, but could I do it again?

  Asher wasn’t Jermaine. He would never readily hurt me, but the universe was cruel and unforgiving, and here we were, facing the ultimate test.

  A test I wasn’t sure I’d survive.

  But if it meant saving Asher...

  “I’ll think about it,” I said, before I could take back the words.

  “That’s all I ask.” Cameron gave me a gentle nod. “That’s all any of us can ask.”

  Asher

  “Another, J,” I slammed down the empty glass and flicked it toward him.

  “You’re done, Son. I already let you have more than I shoulda.”

  “Come on, Jerry. You know what happened. You know my mom is... fuck.” I jammed my fingers in my hair, pulling the ends in frustration, the bite of pain a welcomed reprieve from the constant numbness in my chest.

  “I’m real sorry, kid, but you won’t be getting anymore liquor from me. You should go home, Son, get a cold shower and—”

  “You know what, J, go fuck yourself.” I pushed back the stool and stood up, swaying as the motion hit me.

  “Whoa there.” Jase grabbed my arm steadying me. “Everything okay here?” He eyed me and then glanced over at Jerry.

  “Make sure he gets home, okay?”

  “Will do.” Sliding his arm around my waist, Jason started dragging me toward the door, but I paused at the last second, looking over my shoulder. The whole room was spinning, but I could see Jerry. Two Jerry’s in fact. “I’m sorry,” I yelled, “about before.”

  He waved me off as if it was nothing. But it wasn’t.

  It was something.

  It was the darkness gnawing at my soul. The growing pit in my stomach with every day that passed and Mom didn’t wake up.

  “Come on, man, I got you.” Jason helped me out of the bar and into his car. I landed with a thud, my head rolling against the leather seat.

  “You didn’t call,” he said when he climbed in. He and Cameron had been around as much as they could, but they had lives too. School and girlfriends and their own families to worry about. Besides, I knew I was shitty company, slipping further and further into the black hole trying so desperately to swallow me up.

  “I just needed some space, ya know?”

  “I’m taking you home.”

  “No, no.” My voice cracked. “Anywhere but there, please. I can’t stand it there.”

  He let out a heavy sigh, raking a hand down his face. “We could go to mine, but Denise has some friends over while Dad is out of town.”

  “Just take me anywhere. I don’t care.” I let my head rest on the window and closed my eyes. Alcohol had seemed like a good idea when I’d turned up at Bell’s almost two hours ago. But as the buzz slowly wore off, everything seemed to multiply. It was too much for one brain to handle and I wanted to tear my skin off just so I could breathe.

  “I’m losing it,” I murmured, squeezing my eyes so tight the skin around my face pinched.

  “You’re not losing it. You’re under an immense amount of stress.”

  “I keep dreaming she’s gone. I wake up and go into her room only to find the bed freshly made and all the cards gone.”

  “She’s not gone, Asher. And you’re not going to lose her. Your mom will pull through this, I truly believe that.”

  We drove in silence after that. I knew Jason probably had heaps of other things he wanted to say but I wasn’t exactly in a receptive mood.

  When we pulled up to Felicity’s house, I finally broke the silence. “What the fuck is this?”

  “This is my girlfriend’s house,” he deadpanned.

  “I can see that, but what the fuck are we doing here?”

  “You didn’t want to go home, and we couldn’t go hang out with Denise and her friends, so I brought you to option C.”

  “I can’t go in there.” I shook my head.

  “Chill. Her parents are out and she’s home alone studying.”

  “You’re sure about that?” I couldn’t ask him the words on the tip of my tongue. But he knew.

  Of course he fucking knew.

  “She’s not here, you have nothing to worry about.”

  My eyes slid to the house again. Part of me hated that I felt relieved Mya wasn’t here, but I couldn’t deal with her. Not yet.

  “Is there liquor?” I asked, already feeling the numbing effects of the liquor wearing off.

  “Her dad might have a beer or two in the refrigerator, but I think you’ve had enough.”

  “I’ll have had enough when I pass out and forget the shitshow that is my life.”

  He rolled his eyes, shouldering the car door and climbing out. I didn’t really want to see Felicity. But it was better than sitting at home, listening to the chime of the clock, the whir of refrigerator. Listening to every-fucking-thing that wasn’t the phone ringing with news of Mom.

  Cussing under my breath, I got out of the Dodge Charger and followed Jase up the Giles’ driveway. He knocked and seconds later, the door swung open.

  “You look like shit,” she said to me, the pity in her eyes too much to bear.

  “Hello to you too,” I replied, suddenly a lot less drunk than I was two minutes ago.

  “Well, don’t stand out here all night. The neighbors will talk.” She beckoned me inside. Jason stood back, leaning against the wall. No doubt watching with amusement as Flick treated me like a naughty schoolboy.

  The second I stepped inside, she pulled me into her arms, hugging me. “You’re okay,” she whispered. “You’re going to be okay.” I let myself take her offer of comfort. It was stupid but I needed a woman’s touch.

  I needed my mom.

  Bile rushed up my throat, but I swallowed it down. “Thank you,” I managed to croak out, finally untangling myself from Felicity’s arms.

  “I would have come to the hospital again, but Jason said…”

  “Yeah, sorry about that. I just… it’s hard.”

  “I know.” She gave me a sad smile. “But if you ever need me, all you have to do is call.”

  “I think Jase might have something to say about that.” The corner of my mouth tipped. It was the first joke I’d cracked in days.

  “Nah, man.” Jase shut the door and came around to
stand beside Flick. “We’re here for you, whatever you need.”

  “Does your dad have any whisky?” I asked Felicity. “I could really use whisky right about now.”

  “Asher, that isn’t going to help.” She frowned. “But I have some homemade cookies.”

  My stomach rumbled. “The ones with the chocolate chips?”

  “Come on, let’s see what I can find.”

  Jase came over and slung his arm around my shoulder. “Everything is going to be okay, Ash,” he said as if he truly believed the words.

  I only wished I could believe them too.

  “Where have you been?” I growled at my father as he entered Mom’s room. It felt more familiar than our house lately, but then I had spent every waking minute here. Until the nurses began insisting I left to shower and eat and do all the things I needed to do to take care of myself. But I didn’t care about myself.

  I cared about the woman sleeping in the bed. Except, she wasn’t sleeping, not really.

  Dad fussed with his tie and I knew exactly where he’d been. “Work,” I snapped. “You’ve been working.”

  “Watch your tone, Son,” he said. “Business doesn’t just stop because…” His eyes flicked to Mom, the blood draining from his face. “How is she?”

  Surprised at his reluctance to argue with me, I replied, “The same. The doctors said they’re thinking of waking her soon but it’s still too early to know what sustained damage there is.”

  “You spoke with the doctors?” It was his turn to look surprised.

  “Well they couldn’t speak with you since you weren’t here.”

  “Asher, please.” He walked around the bed and leaned down to press a kiss to Mom’s head. It was funny, watching him treat her as something fragile and precious. Dropping into the chair opposite me, he clutched Mom’s hand in his. “It’s this place… I can’t…”

  “I know.” But whereas Dad chose to run, I chose to stay.

  I would always stay.

  It’s what made us so different.

  “How do you do it? Sit here, day in, day out, watching her as if she might wake up at any second, knowing she won’t?”