My Weakness

by Alison Mello

  I sat on the couch next to Zoey and drank my coffee. She didn’t say much, but that didn’t matter. She was my best friend and we could sit in comfortable silence. I knew she didn’t have work, so I wondered what she planned to do with her day off.

  “I’m heading out this morning for a job interview,” Zoey said into the silence.

  “Are you not happy in your job? You haven’t mentioned anything before.” I was shocked, to say the least. I wondered what had prompted the change.

  “No, I’m staying in my current job, I just want to work a few night shifts to make a bit of extra cash.”

  “Oh, okay.” I drained the last of my coffee and got up to get dressed.

  “It’s just to help pay the bills.”

  “We’re doing fine, aren’t we?”

  “Yeah, it’s not that.” She scrubbed a hand over her face. “It’s just that you’re doing your business degree as well as working, and I feel like I don’t contribute enough.”

  “That’s not true, Zoey. You work hard, sixty hour weeks from time to time. How will you even have enough time for a second job?”

  “I’ll make time. I need something to occupy me in the evenings, something more than random sex. You’ve got to have noticed that I don’t see a guy more than once.”

  Well, I sure hadn’t expected to hear that.

  “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean anything, you’re just working Reid out of your system.”

  “Random sex isn’t the way to go about it, though. I thought it was, but it’s getting old and fast. I want to settle down, get married, and have children, all the normal things a woman my age wants. But I also want a better car than the old beater I drive, and I want to own my own home instead of renting with my best friend. I don’t mean that in a bad way, I just mean that I want more from my life, you know?”

  “I know exactly what you mean, Zo, I want the same things. That’s why I’m doing my business degree and trying to make a business plan for the place I plan to run one day.”

  “See, that’s what I mean. You have a plan in place. It may take a while to achieve it, you know, until your degree is complete, but you have dreams and goals that you are well on your way to making reality.”

  “I’m far from having my perfect happy ending, Zo. I may have plans for the future on the business side of things, but I don’t have a man. You kind of need one of those for the marriage and kids, you know!”

  “Oh I know that all right,” she sighed.

  I suddenly felt bad for Zoey. I hadn’t realised she felt so strongly about those kinds of things. Sure, I’d known she was marrying Reid, so she was settling down. But I hadn’t realised she wanted children. She’d always said what a nuisance her sister’s children were. There seemed to be some things that I didn’t know about Zoey after all.

  ***

  After my shift at the bookstore, I walked around town for a while. I grabbed a coffee to go from Starbucks and wandered around a little aimlessly. I didn’t have a plan for the rest of the day, but I didn’t want to go straight home. I decided to sit on a bench overlooking a little stream.

  As I sat watching people milling around, I saw a familiar figure in the distance. I didn’t want it to be him because that meant several things; firstly that he was back in town—obvious, I know—also that I would have to decide whether to tell Zoey, and it meant having to confront my own feelings as a way of moving on. Zoey might have loved him, but that didn’t mean that what I felt for him was any less, and it didn’t mean that it hadn’t hurt me when he’d moved out of town and not looked back. I’d been in love with Reid Marks for as long as I could remember. But his parents and Zoey’s were friends, and had set them up on a date, then things had gone from there. I could never admit my feelings to either of them out loud, it would serve no purpose.

  Chapter Three

  Reid

  I decided to move back to my hometown. I’d split up with Zoey, but that didn’t mean I had to stay gone forever. I’d moved away for a while to give her some space so she wouldn’t have to see me every day, but now it was time to get back to my friends, my family, and the woman I left behind. I don’t expect she’ll want to know me…after all, she knows what happened between me and Zoey better than anyone. But that doesn’t mean I can keep my distance from her. I want to be around her even if I can’t be with her. We clearly can’t be together, it would be insane. I’ve found myself in a Catch-22 situation. I hope to get to see more of her now I’ve found a place to live, but I’ll be crushed if I have to see her with another man. I could have stayed gone, but it was killing me not to see her at all. My brother and his boyfriend were good enough to let me stay with them until I could find a place to settle down.

  I went to town to get some shopping in and that’s when I saw her. Her blonde hair looked glorious with the sun beating down on it. I couldn’t see her eyes from a distance but I had the colour of them committed to memory. They’re the most beautiful blue-green, like the clearest ocean on a summer day. I wanted so badly to approach her, but I didn’t want to make it known I was back in town. Word would get back to Zoey that way, and then things could become awkward. Instead I turned and walked in the opposite direction, leaving my heart where I had been standing.

  Arriving back home, I packed away the groceries and sat on the couch with a bottle of Bud. I needed something to take my mind off her beautiful face. I knew when I came back I was going to bump into her, but I hadn’t been prepared for it to be today. In a way, I’m glad I only saw her from a distance. If I’d been any closer, I would have wanted to reach out and touch her, something I knew I couldn’t do.

  Picking up my phone, I dialled my brother, Jason.

  “Yo, Reid, what’s up, bro?” he answered.

  “Just wondered if you fancied a game night or something.”

  “You really need to get out of the house more, dude.”

  Trouble was, if I got out of the house more, there was more chance of Zoey seeing me or someone telling her I was back.

  “Are you up for playing Deus Ex tonight or what?” I asked a little impatiently.

  “Sure bro, gimme like…umm…gimme thirty minutes and I’ll be home,” he answered and then hung up. Typical Jason. Manners never were his strong point.

  I got up to fetch myself another beer and a pile of take-out menus.

  ***

  Jason arrived home an hour later. Much like manners, arriving somewhere on time was never his strong point, but I was used to that by now. He grabbed himself a beer from the fridge and picked up the menus from the table as he walked by to sit next to me.

  “How about a Tandoori Hot and a Meatilicious from Dominoes? Maybe a couple of Ben & Jerry’s for dessert?” he asked as he plonked his arse on the couch.

  “Firstly, I don’t know how you eat that much and still stay in such good shape, and secondly, it’s a no to the ice cream…well, it is for me, anyway.”

  “I work hard to keep in shape, bro. I have a way of burning off all the extra calories.” He winked at me as a broad smile lit up his face.

  My little brother was a sex addict if ever I’d met one. He had been in a long term relationship with Liam for the last three years, and they were still in the ‘honeymoon period.’ I guess it would be safe to admit I’m a little jealous. I’d give anything to have a relationship like theirs. Mom and Pops hadn’t been too happy when they found out they weren’t going to have grandchildren, but they fell in love with Liam from the day they met him.

  “Little brother, I do not wish to hear about your sex life,” I replied as I set up the X-box.

  “Only because you’re jealous that you ain’t getting none. Dude, you have to let me hook you up, seriously.”

  “That would be a hell no!” I exclaimed as I threw the controller towards him.

  He caught it with ease and looked up at me with a quizzical look on his face.

  “I might be gay, bro, but that don’t mean I don’t know some damn hot chicks.”

  Raisin
g an eyebrow and waggling it at me, I looked at him and laughed.

  “Not happening, bro!”

  “Still hung up on this mysterious chick? Seriously, you just need to sow your oats.”

  “You did not just say that,” I remarked as I cuffed him round the back of the head.

  He choked on the swig of beer he had been taking.

  “I just think if you got laid more often, you’d be less miserable and I wouldn’t have to keep your sorry ass company.”

  “Gee, don’t hold back, Jase, tell it how it is!” I exclaimed as I took a large pull from my near empty Bud bottle.

  “You know I don’t mean it that way. I love you, bro. It’s just…don’t take this the wrong way, but, you’re just miserable lately, and it always seems like you gravitate towards spending time with me rather than any of your old friends. Not that I mind, but Liam is pissed at how many times I have had to drive out of town to keep my brother in check."

  “Well, you don’t have to drive out of town anymore, I’m home for good now. I’m done hiding away. As for being miserable, I’m working on that too. I just fancied a night with my baby bro tonight before I tried to get my life into order.”

  Liam sat on the other couch and threw us a look over the top of his book.

  “You could play Deus Ex with us, dude.”

  “I know I could, but you know I’d rather lose myself in a good book.”

  “I don’t get how he does that. I don’t have the patience to read about somebody else’s life, much rather be out living my own,” Jase says as he starts to play the game.

  I get up and retrieve another couple of bottles of Bud before returning to the couch with my phone in hand, ready to call for a takeaway.

  “It’s a good job opposites attract then, huh?” I ask as I hand him a fresh beer.

  “Sure is. Dunno what that studious book geek sees in me. I’m the party animal—though admittedly not so much anymore—whereas I swear he’s going to take up crochet or something just as old lady-ish.”

  I barked a laugh. My brother loves Liam, anyone can see that. And it seems true that opposites attract. Liam has always been the sensible, level-headed, head in a book kind of guy, whereas Jason has always been less of a homebody, preferring to get away to Ibiza and party. But since they’d got together, Liam was slowly coming out of his shell a touch more and Jason was learning to curb his partying habits, settling for a good night in with the man he loved instead.

  We played Deus Ex for a couple of hours. I’d never been much of a gamer, but when I moved out of town, Jase had brought his X-box over and set up Black Ops. He’d left it with me for a while, giving me something to do to pass the time when I wasn’t at work. It helped take my mind off my problems for a while, but it didn’t solve them, nothing did. That’s why I’d made the decision to come home and face my problems head on…starting with a huge ass apology to Zoey, but I hadn’t plucked up the courage to do that yet.

  Jase and Liam went to bed around eleven p.m., leaving me on my own to contemplate getting my shit in order. I sat with my phone in my hand, looking through the contacts. I came across her name, but as much as I wanted to press dial, I couldn’t. She didn’t have a clue how I felt about her and it was probably best it stayed that way. Especially as if I had my priorities in order, I actually owed Zoey an apology first. We’d talked once or twice since I’d left town, but making small talk over the phone wasn’t going to help us heal as much as a face to face conversation.

  Chapter Four

  Kara

  Zoey was at work and it was my day off, as I had agreed to work on Saturday. I decided to cook us a meal, something I hadn’t done for a while. I went to the market to get some groceries and found myself stood outside The Picture House, the old cinema where Zoey and I used to hang out as kids. I don’t know what brought me to the spot, it was just like I was walking with no destination in mind. We’d spent many happy hours on double dates or girls’ nights behind those doors. Unfortunately the cinema had closed down when a new one was built in the damn multiplex thing that people had been dead set against, myself included. I guess my reason for not wanting it was that they would most likely bring some huge bookshop from a chain with them. Jealousy was never a good colour on a person, but I knew it was likely to be the end of my dreams. Thankfully, they hadn’t done that and my dream was still within reach. As I looked at The Picture House, I realised it could make a good site for a bookstore. I’d have to look into it some more.

  I grabbed all the groceries I needed before heading home. I put my apron on and turned on the Bluetooth speaker I keep in the kitchen. I linked my iPod to it and searched for an album that I could dance to while I cooked. I settled on A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out. I started preparing the salad to go with the lasagne. When “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” began to play, I couldn’t help but belt out the lyrics; it’s always been one of my favourites.

  With the lasagne prepped and just in need of putting in the oven when Zo got home, I poured myself a glass of wine and headed to run myself a bubble bath. My mind drifted to the party Zo told me she’s organising for my 30th birthday. She said there’s no way I’m celebrating the big 3-0 without marking the occasion. I don’t really want a fuss and the one person I really want to be there is the one person I know she won’t invite. She’s hoping I might meet someone at the party if she invites some of her work friends I don’t yet know. I’m not sure, but maybe she’s right. I haven’t dated anyone in a while and it’s about time I got over my obsession with Reid. He’s my best friend’s ex-fiancé, someone I could never date. That’s the unwritten Girl Code. Pity really. I can’t stop dreaming of his emerald green eyes, his soft, full lips, as well as the hard lines of his body. I’m used to having seen him walk round after a shower with just a towel draped around him as he returned to Zoey’s room. The way the water clung to his body made me swoon. He never wore much cologne, he just had a scent that was all his own. Damn! I need to stop thinking about Reid bloody Marks. I hope Zoey has some good looking friends that might take my mind off the one man I can never have.

  ***

  After a delicious meal, Zo and I sit down and pour ourselves a large glass of wine. We’ve decided to watch Pretty in Pink for the zillionth time. We haven’t had much time to spend together recently, so it’ll be nice to settle with a film and some sweet and salty popcorn.

  It’s ten p.m. by the time the film finishes. Zoey fell asleep on the couch, so I covered her in a blanket. I’ve turned all the lights out and I’m about to head my bedroom when a text alert sounds. I look around the room in search of my phone but I see it’s Zoey’s phone lit up on the coffee table. I turn around and grab my phone from where it lies on the arm of the couch and head to my room. I brush my teeth and change into my favourite pyjamas. I plug my phone in and set my alarm for six thirty a.m. I’m on shelf stocking duty in the morning and I’m looking forward to having the store to myself for a while before we open and the customers come in, bringing their smells with them that seem to alter the smell of the books just a little. It’s almost like the books take on the smell of the air around them, and there’s a small piece of everyone inside them. Silly notion, I know, but I like it all the same.

  Chapter Five

  Reid

  I sent Zoey a text last night. I don’t know what possessed me because she probably won’t even answer, but I have to try to apologise for the way things went down between us. I feel like if I don’t, then there won’t be any closure, things will just remain unresolved. That’s not what I want at all. I know she said she understood at the time, but I need to be sure she knows it wasn’t her fault. It was on me. Well, I guess it was partly both of us, but…I just hope she’ll agree to meet me and we can put the past behind us where it belongs. I need to keep moving forward.

  I’m tidying up the beer bottles and pizza boxes I didn’t have chance to tidy the other night when I hear my phone chime with an incoming text:

  Zoey: I’m not ready to talk yet.
I’ll let you know when I am.

  Although I’d anticipated that response, it still annoys me that after six months she’s not ready to talk. It also pisses me off that I have to be okay with waiting for her to be ready to talk. Does it not matter what I want?

  I throw all the trash out and head to take a shower. I’m meant to be meeting Jase and Liam at a bar in a couple of hours. I’m hoping it doesn’t turn out to be an attempt at match-making, I’m not in the mood for that shit right now.

  ***

  After a drink in our local bar, Jase and Liam drag me to a place called Beatz. It’s notorious for its house music and all the kind of crap I probably listened to in my youth, but as a nearly thirty-year-old man, I feel way too old for this shit.

  “Can we get outta here?” I try to ask Jase over the thumping music.

  “What?” he yells back.

  I take out my phone and tap out a text. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and then nods. He hooks an arm around Liam and we head towards the doors.

  “Sorry, must be getting grumpy in my old age. I don’t know how people can listen to that shit,” I say as we walk away from Beatz towards the high street.

  “I didn’t realise it was that kind of music. I was told by a friend that they do theme nights and stuff. Sorry, bro,” Jase replies as he walks up the road a little ahead of me, his arm draped around Liam, his hand in the back pocket of Liam’s jeans.

  A pang of jealousy hits me square in the chest. I never realised it before, but I’m jealous of my brother. He has the one thing I want—not Liam, of course—love. I want the kind of love he and Liam share. To be comfortable with someone, to have fun with them, most of all, to be loved for the rest of my life.