My Weakness

by Alison Mello

  Reid. I haven’t thought about my feelings for him since I started dating Sawyer, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still feel something for him. Why does life have to throw me for a loop? I’m dating a great guy and I should be in love with him and concentrating on a future with him…shouldn’t I? Or have I just buried my feelings for Reid and not actually faced up to them and moved on? God! Why won’t my brain quit hassling me? Stupid goddamn questions.

  I pull up in the driveway of the house I still share with Zoey, though not for too much longer. She’s decided to move in with Brock. He asked her to marry him a couple of weeks ago and she’s been in the process of moving her stuff in with him ever since. Or at least she does when she gets a chance. She’s been working long hours this last couple of months. I keep telling her to take it easy. She’s been feeling rundown and sick for the last couple of days and I very nearly didn’t go to work this morning so I could stay home and look after her.

  Walking through the front door, I smell an inviting aroma. Someone is cooking up a storm, judging by the delicious scent in the air. I follow my nose to the kitchen and see Sawyer stood at the range cooker. He turns when he hears me place my keys in the bowl on the sideboard. The smile that graces his handsome features makes the butterflies mount an assault in my stomach.

  I slowly approach him and he wraps me in a hug. He’s tall enough that my head fits comfortably in the crook of his neck. I nuzzle into him and wrap my arms around his waist. Planting a kiss on top of my head, Sawyer pulls back and holds me at arm’s length.

  “You look beautiful,” he whispers as his eyes roam my body.

  He knows my body intimately and he’s aware of just what those kind of looks earn him. But this time I just smile and walk round the kitchen island to take a seat.

  “Thank you.”

  “How was your day?” he asks over his shoulder as he returns to whatever it is he’s cooking.

  I gave him a spare key so he could come and go, and it’s nice to occasionally return to him cooking something, knowing I won’t have the energy when I get back and will just throw something in the microwave.

  “Good. But tiring. Chapter & Verse seems to be a place where people want to hang out. There are always people in the study room, the parent and baby room is used three days a week, today being one of those days. I think I need to employ some help.”

  “That’s a good thing,” he remarks, his voice bursting with pride.

  “I know. I honestly thought I was going to be able to do everything myself. But now, well now I’m always shattered at the end of the day. I’m bone-weary. Honestly, I love that place, it’s my pride and joy, but I’ve come to realise I can’t do it all on my own anymore.”

  “What about Liam?”

  “What about him?” I ask, confused at the change in direction.

  “You could offer him a job. He’s never out of there. He knows the place well. You two are good friends, so you know he’s trustworthy. I think it’d be a perfect match.”

  Why haven’t I thought that myself before now? I mentally kick myself for not realising sooner how good it would be to have Liam around to help out.

  “I’ll ask him tomorrow. I don’t know why it took you to suggest it, he should have been the obvious choice.”

  “Well, sometimes you can’t see what’s right under your nose.”

  “I guess. What are you cooking? Shall I open some wine?” I ask when his words hit on something unintentionally. Sometimes I really can’t see what’s right under my nose. I need to take a step back and evaluate things. Maybe if Liam does come to work for me I’ll have some more time to think.

  ***

  “You’re seriously offering me a job?” Liam squeals excitedly.

  “Yes. Sawyer and I were talking last night and he hit the nail on the head when he suggested I ask you to help out.”

  I’m wrapped in a hug, picked up in the air and twirled around, then set on my feet before I get an answer.

  “Yes. Unequivocally yes!”

  Liam is bouncing on the balls of his feet with a mega-watt smile on his face.

  “That’s settled then. We’ll talk shifts and stuff next week. Can you start on Monday? That gives me the weekend to think about how many days a week I’ll need you.”

  “Sounds great. I’m looking forward to it. I’ve actually had some ideas about an author you could get in for a signing. I’ve been reading her stuff for a while, and if we can contact her agent, then maybe we can get her here.”

  “Who?” I ask, intrigued. I love book signings, and we’ve had a couple since we opened. Each was a resounding success.

  “Her name is T.H. Moore. She writes romance novels, and let me tell you, she can really write some steamy sex scenes. Not that that should be an endorsement of why we should ask her, I just mean, boy oh boy does she write some smut and I love it.”

  I look at the evident excitement in his eyes and I don’t want to say no to him.

  “What genre does she write?”

  “Mostly M/M romance, but there’s some M/F stuff too. She’s really well known if you’re into gay romance stories.”

  “T.H. Moore, you say?”

  I pull my phone out of my pocket and Google her.

  “Yeah. You can find her on Facebook and Twitter. Her tweets are seriously funny.”

  “Trudy Moore? Why didn’t you say her name was Trudy? I know who you mean now and I love her work. She writes some of the hottest gay romances I’ve ever read.”

  “I didn’t realise you read M/M stuff.”

  “I’ll read anything and everything except for biographies and autobiographies. I got told about Trudy and a few other authors for the genre a couple of years ago. But I forgot she had started going by T.H. Moore.”

  “Yeah, she had some guy start bashing her saying that she shouldn’t write gay romance if she’s heterosexual. Dumbass. She rocks and should write anything she bloody well wants.”

  “Yeah, I don’t seem to spend much time socialising in the book community if it’s not related to the shop. I had heard something about that, but honestly had forgotten, what with how busy it’s been here.”

  “And dating that hunk must make you extremely tired,” he says with a wink and a nudge to my ribs.

  I laugh and punch him lightly in the arm. He feigns being hurt and pouts at me. I double over laughing, as he gives me the puppy dog eyes to complete his wounded look.

  “Less about my sex life, thank you. Let’s talk about how we approach Trudy for a possible signing. I know she has a release coming out next month, maybe we could get her in just before or just after that book comes out.”

  Liam composes an email for me as I am afraid of sounding too much like a silly fangirl. He has no such trouble, even though he’s probably a bigger fangirl than me. We send it to her agent and cross our fingers in hope of the answer we want. It would be really good for business to get an author of her calibre in for a signing, but it would also mean that Liam and I get to meet her and that thought alone is enough to excite me.

  I close the doors to the store and head home with an excited buzz in my veins. I received an email back from Trudy’s agent, Corrie, a couple of hours after we sent Liam’s email. She wrote to say that Trudy is interested in doing a signing with us at Chapter & Verse. She doesn’t live too far from the store—about an hour’s drive—so she said that as we were a local business, she would be only too happy to support us and to come meet her fans.

  Arriving home, I call out to see if Zoey is around. I get no reply, so I walk to the kitchen and pour myself a small glass of prosecco to celebrate the news. Then I turn on my MacBook and click on Photoshop. It’s time to get some fliers designed to hand to customers over the next few weeks. Corrie said that Trudy would love to sign around the time of her new release and we confirmed a date for just a week after the book comes out.

  Sat with a blank canvas in front of me, I try to design something, but give up when my creative side decides to disappoint me. I
make a mental note to call a company in the morning to have them designed professionally.

  I microwave a lasagne from the freezer, not feeling like I can be bothered to cook.

  After a couple of hours reading Sk8er Boy—the first book in a new series by Trudy—ahead of her releasing the next book—I look at the clock and decide to get an early night. I’d exchanged a few texts with Sawyer about seeing him over the weekend. He wanted to take me on a date on Saturday but wouldn’t tell me where. I head into the bathroom and switch on the shower.

  As the hot water beats down on me, I close my eyes and enjoy the warmth. Thoughts invade my head, and try as I might to push them aside, I can’t drown them out completely. I think back to the good old days when Reid used to hang around this house. I could watch him from a distance and fantasize about him. In these fantasies he’d tell me it was me he loved, not Zoey, and we would be together. But reality always poked its nose in, just as it does now. I know I need to decide how I feel about Sawyer, but knowing it doesn’t make it any easier.

  With thoughts swirling around my mind, I dry myself off and head to my room. I get into my pyjamas and grab my hairdryer. Once I’ve dried and straightened my hair, I slip under the covers and hope the answers will come to me soon.

  Chapter Twelve

  Reid

  After a few more dates with Molly, I decided we weren’t right together. For the last couple of months I’ve mostly been single. Jason and Liam have tried setting me up, but the women they’ve coerced me into dating have just been poor substitutes for what my heart wants. Molly has tried texting me here and there, but I don’t know what more I can tell her. I’m not interested in taking things any further with us. What more can I say? Yes, we slept together a couple of times and the sex was good, but the chemistry I’d felt on the first date fizzled out fast. I think the first date was the excitement of something new, but now I feel nothing when I see her. I saw her in town a couple of weeks ago when I was out with Jase and Liam. I hadn’t recognised her at first because she’d cut her hair and dyed it blonde. When she saw me and came over to say hi, I was friendly but distant. I didn’t want her getting the wrong idea, so she’d gone back to her friends and I haven’t heard from her or seen her since.

  I have no problem being single, it has its benefits, but I don’t want to keep going around in circles. I feel like a fool because I can’t just man up and tell Kara how I feel. But it’s not just fear of her rejection that makes me hesitant…it’s Zoey. She’s my ex-fiancée and Kara’s best friend. I don’t know how she’d react if there was something between Kara and me. I don’t really want to test the waters by having that conversation with Zoey. I know she’s moved on and friends tell me she’s happily engaged to a guy now. I’m happy about that because she deserves someone who loves her the way she was always meant to be loved. Just because I couldn’t give her what she wanted doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve it. But to get in contact with her now, after the way we ended, I don’t think that would be the best idea.

  Then there’s the fact that Liam got himself a part-time job working at Chapter & Verse with Kara, and he’s informed me that she’s currently dating a guy called Sawyer. It’s not my place to go and tell her how I feel, really open my heart to her, not when she’s seeing someone. I want her to be happy, and if she truly is, then it’s not for me to go and shit all over that just because I want her to myself.

  I’m thinking about taking some time to go away and visit family. I know that I’ve been there and done that before and it didn’t stop how I feel about Kara, but I’m not sure what else to do. I’m not really living my life here, I’m just existing. Jase and I talked the other night and he doesn’t want me to go. He wants me to go into business with him and put my mind to that instead. He figures it will keep my thoughts on work and not love.

  Sitting at home with a steaming mug of coffee in hand, I know I really need to make up my mind. I can’t keep running, Jase is right. But what do you do when your heart wants something it can’t have?

  My phone chimes on the coffee table next to me and I consider ignoring it, but it could be Jase, and he’d only get mad at me for wallowing. He knows me too well, and sees that that is exactly what I’ve been doing lately.

  Jase: Hey Bro! Liam wants us to go and meet him at Eden Bar for a few drinks. You up for it?

  I’m not really in the mood for going out and having to fake being happy, but I can’t just sit around and stew in my own thoughts.

  Me: Sure. What time?

  Jase: 6 p.m. I’ll be home to shower and stuff around 5, so…I’ll see you later. Don’t you dare bring your pity party out though, okay? Let’s go out and get drunk, forget your worries for the night, yeah?

  I know Jase wants to help, but getting drunk isn’t the answer to my problems. However, I can’t disagree that a night out with him and Liam would be fun.

  Getting my ass off the couch, I decide to take a hot shower and begin getting ready. Jase will be home in an hour, and he takes longer in the bathroom than any woman I have ever met, so it’s best I use the bathroom while I have chance.

  Standing under the hot jets, I close my eyes and lean my head against the tile wall. Why does Kara have to be in my head and my heart? What is it about her that got under my skin from the minute we met?

  “Reid, this is my best friend, Kara,” Zoey says as she introduces me to her flatmate.

  “Hi Kara,” I respond as I look at the woman stood before me. She is breath-taking. I shouldn’t think these kind of things when I’m already dating someone, but there’s something alluring about her.

  “It’s good to meet you, Reid. Zoey has talked about you non-stop.”

  God, even her voice is beautiful. Why couldn’t I have met her before I met Zoey? I mentally shake myself as I plaster a smile on my face.

  “All good things, I hope?”

  “Yeah, of course. She told me it was your parents and her parents conspiring that got the two of you together. Her parents are so pushy. I should know, they were like a second set of parents to me growing up.”

  “Mine are pushy too, and that’s putting it mildly.”

  “So, are we going out tonight?” Zoey asks as she looks from me to her best friend.

  “Yeah, umm…I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve invited a friend along too,” Kara responds and smiles widely at Zoey.

  “A friend or a ‘friend,’” Zoey asks as she nudges her friend in the ribs.

  “An actual friend. Men and women are allowed to be just friends, you know, Zoey.”

  I’m stood watching the exchange between these two women and I feel a small twinge of jealousy that Kara has invited another guy out with us. She may protest he’s just a friend, but the way she blushed made it look as though there was more to it than meets the eye.

  An hour later, the four of us are on our way to the restaurant. Caylan, the guy Kara invited, seems like an okay guy on the surface, but I can’t help but feel like there’s something a little off about him. Maybe it’s just me being jealous. I have no right to feel that way, so I push those feelings deep down inside me and concentrate on being present for the double date rather than trying to figure out what the hell is going on with me. I love Zoey…don’t I?

  Shaking the memory away, I turn the water up hotter to blast the cobwebs away. Hearing the front door open, I decide to stay in the shower a little longer. When I’m done, I get out and wrap a towel around my waist and head for my bedroom.

  “Please tell me you didn’t use up all the hot water?” Liam asks as he spots me in the hallway.

  “It’s not like you and Jase don’t do exactly that on a frequent basis,” I jest.

  “I’m next in the shower then. Jase can make do with the cold water when he gets home.”

  “That’s true love,” I reply as I head into my bedroom.

  “You know it,” Liam calls to me as he goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.

  I hear the lock click in place and laugh as I realise he�
�s done it because he knows Jase will fight him for the last bit of hot water.

  ***

  We stumble out of Eden Bar a little worse for wear. I think I may have drunk more than I intended. It’s hard not to when the boys force me to drink cocktails with them. I usually drink beer, but they always seem to rope me into ordering stupid pink girly drinks. The last few hours seem to have taken my mind off my worries, which is exactly what the boys had hoped for. Neither one of them would let me stew. If they saw me looking even remotely maudlin, they’d do their level best to pull me out of my own head. Sometimes though, my head was stuck up my arse, so it was harder for them to help me.

  Opening the front door, Liam suggests we do some tequila shots to round the night off. I refuse the offer, but tell them to get their fill. Jase retrieves the bottle and two shot glasses from the kitchen, and then the three of us sit in the lounge and talk until the small hours.

  I jerk awake and look at the clock, only to see it’s three in the morning. Jase and Liam are snoring on the couch and I have a crick in my neck from having fallen asleep sat in the chair. I get up and stretch my muscles out. Spotting the blanket on the back of the couch, I shake it out and lay it over the boys. There won’t be any waking them until morning when they wake hungover. Good job it’s a weekend.

  Heading to the kitchen, I fill a glass with water, take some paracetamol from the drawer, and head for my room. Once I place the glass and pain killers on my bedside table, I strip down to my boxers and crawl under the blanket. My head is thumping and I know that no matter how much sleep I get, I’ll feel like crap in the morning, hence the tablets. An image of a beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman fills my mind as I drift off to sleep.

  Chapter Thirteen