River of Time

by Naomi Judd

  Copyright

  Copyright © 2016 by Naomi Judd

  Cover copyright © 2016 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  All photos are from the Author’s personal collection.

  Photos on pages 50 and 150 © Devon Lancaster.

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.

  ISBNs: 978-1-4555-9574-7 (hardcover), 978-1-4555-9575-4 (ebook)

  E3-20161025-JV-NF

  CONTENTS

  COVER

  TITLE PAGE

  COPYRIGHT

  FOREWORD by Dr. Mona Lisa Schulz

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  INTRODUCTION

  Chapter 1

  Shhh … Don’t Tell a Soul

  Chapter 2

  Leaving Home

  Chapter 3

  Who Turned Off the Spotlight?

  Chapter 4

  Potato Salad on the Hood of the Car

  Chapter 5

  One Pill Makes You Larger and One Pill Makes You Small

  Chapter 6

  The Future Isn’t What It Used to Be

  Chapter 7

  Do Your Genes Fit?

  Chapter 8

  Paging Doctor Schulz

  Chapter 9

  The Cuckoo’s Nest

  Chapter 10

  The Trauma Egg

  Chapter 11

  Reliving the Past

  Chapter 12

  The Last Dirty Secret

  Chapter 13

  On the Good Ship Lollipop

  Chapter 14

  May I Borrow Your Hammer?

  Chapter 15

  When You Live in a Glass House

  Chapter 16

  Somewhere, Upon Some Bright New Dawn…

  Chapter 17

  Radical Acceptance

  Chapter 18

  What Michelangelo Knew

  Chapter 19

  Every Ending Is a New Beginning

  Chapter 20

  The Toothpaste Is Out of the Tube

  Postscript

  Bridge? What Bridge?

  A Note from: Dr. Jerrold Rosenbaum

  PHOTOS

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  NEWSLETTERS

  Even in the darkest days of my severe treatment resistant depression, I was never blinded to the compassion from my beloveds who continually reached down with loving hands and lifted me out of my harrowing nightmare of despair. Because of you, I can tell my story. I wrote it with the sincere hope of offering encouragement to the forty million Americans who suffer from depression and anxiety every minute of every day and night. I want them to know that I understand, and I’m here to help.

  FOREWORD

  Many brilliant, amazing, talented individuals have suffered from depression, including Ludwig van Beethoven, Vincent van Gogh, Isaac Newton, Abraham Lincoln, Patty Duke, Jon Hamm, Billy Joel, Robin Williams, and Kirsten Dunst. Naomi is in good company. Of the ten professions most common among people who suffer depression, Naomi has devoted herself to two of the listed careers: entertainment, as a performer and writer, and the health care profession as an RN nurse.

  When I first met Naomi, I was lecturing at a conference on complementary medicine, speaking on the connections between the brain, the mind, health, and intuition. I saw this woman, from a distance, who couldn’t be overlooked. She had big red hair, full makeup, and a clothing style that very much set her apart from the “usual” crowd at these events. When my presentation was over, Naomi marched up to the podium and introduced herself. Later that day we had dinner. She invited me to visit her farm, and since that time, almost two decades ago, I’ve been making regular visits to Tennessee to stay with Naomi at “Peaceful Valley.”

  But Peaceful Valley hasn’t always been so peaceful for Naomi, suffering a mind-body disorder like depression for more than three years, and for those of us who care about her. Yet, unquestionably, through the years when others of us—including me—have suffered our own health problems, Naomi has always been there. She is an unbeatable combination of intelligence, knowledge, personal experience, and compassion.

  During the past years she has gone through unrelenting sadness, fatigue, panic, and insomnia. Still, Naomi pushes it aside to function—maybe even transcending the pain—to work, relate, love, and learn.

  How is this possible? Let me try to explain.

  Naomi’s abundant talents in music, media, and communication, as well as her natural inclination toward stellar comprehension of medical knowledge and natural intuition, may bias her brain development in one direction, one that has generated her extraordinary life and career. The downside? Her immense sensitivity to environmental, social, and emotional nuance may, unfortunately, make her prone to depression. The great behavioral neurologist Dr. Norman Geschwind talked about the “pathology of superiority”: When someone has an exceptional talent or skill in one part of his or her brain, another part of the brain may suffer. The most obvious examples of this are autistic savants, individuals who have an incredible capacity for attention to minutiae (left brain) but a developmental problem with social and emotional processing (right brain).

  Perhaps you’re thinking, Dr. Mona Lisa, use plain English, please. What are you saying? Well, the actual brain science can be simplified to a representative quote from my aunt Evie, a woman with a sixth-grade education who emigrated from Portugal. I never wanted to be like Aunt Evie, because she was uneducated, so I pursued my education to the highest achievements (PhD in neuroscience and an MD in psychiatry). She was simple folk. Though undereducated, Aunt Evie was very loving, compassionate, and intuitive, and possessed a valuable amount of common sense. Ironically, she described the connection between extreme talents and brain disorders in much the same way Dr. Geschwind did. Aunt Evie used to say, “I’ve never known a genius who didn’t have a screw loose somewhere.”

  Aunt Evie’s proclamation could describe us all. We all have some genius capacity in one area of our brain and a problem in another. Maybe your problem is depression, like Naomi’s? Then one part of your healing may be to find out your unique genius that complements your uniquely sensitive, empathic, intuitive brain.

  Naomi has an extremely fine-tuned brain. She was a registered nurse before beginning her music career, but definitely could have been a doctor. She devours medical literature, using a yellow highlighter and a slow, methodical method of taking notes, like a scanning electron microscope, taking in enormous amounts of scientific minutiae.

  Naomi is actually ahead of her time. For more than a decade, she has told me a
bout meeting with this noteworthy scientist or that scientist, this or that Nobel laureate, and so on. I used to wonder, how many of those scientific terms did Naomi really understand? Well, Naomi really understands those scientific terms from physics and medicine and more. One of the words that she used to toss around was epigenetic. I would think, Where did she get that word? When I was researching my latest book, I ran across the term epigenetic in a study on treating anxiety. Now in the latest scientific publications, news, and bestselling books we hear of the power of epigenetics and I am left to once again hand it to Naomi for being way ahead of her time.

  There’s another reason Naomi is highly qualified to write this book. Many people at Harvard, Stanford, the Mayo Clinic, the best universities and teaching hospitals, do research in labs or study patients in clinics, and they teach us about the brain and science. We may stand in awe of their minds and their genius. Is that what will help us understand suffering of the mind? Perhaps. In the last decade, psychiatry has made major inroads into medical treatment for major mental health afflictions. But when we’re asking about these researchers’ credentials—do they have an MD? a PhD? are they board-certified?—we may forget yet a final and oh so very important credential: Have they experienced the illness they treat?

  Naomi has this credential. She has experienced severe depression and made major inroads into getting it treated. Yes, she has won many music industry awards and has created timeless music with her daughter Wynonna. Yes, as a nurse, she spent years studying the anatomy and physiology of the body. But one of Naomi’s biggest credentials is that she has in fact suffered from depression, one of the most common and most significant disorders in humanity. I’ve watched her struggle with this illness, the ups and the downs and the sideways. I’ve seen medicines begin to work, then stop working. And through it all, I’ve seen Naomi’s indomitable spirit.

  I remember when I was first in medical school, I wanted to be a surgeon. It seemed that surgery could be so straightforward. You simply cut out what was wrong and stitched it up, or put some rods in. The first rotation that I went through was psychiatry, and I thought, Oh, this is the last thing I’d ever want to go into! But then my own spine fell apart, and suddenly I was the one who needed the rods put in. And as I figured out what further training I would need to get for a medical license, ultimately I ended up going into psychiatry simply because it was a branch of medicine in which I could sit down! Having since earned a PhD in neuroanatomy and behavioral neuroscience, I now ultimately have my practice in neuropsychiatry. I’m specifically poised to take a multifaceted view of all the treatments and the medicines prescribed to Naomi.

  Of all the fields of medicine, psychiatry may be the most difficult, because it is in its infancy. Psychiatry is now where neurology was two decades ago. Whether it’s the grossly unfair stigma or the lack of scans or blood tests to validate diagnoses, many people with depression, anxiety, moodiness, irritability, and so on suffer in silence or hide, for fear that people will think they’re “touched.” Well, I’ve been touched by watching Naomi valiantly struggle, and I’m touched that in writing this book she allows all of us, through her vulnerability, to see how she continues to fight this terrible disease of the brain.

  Why do I say “continues”? It goes back to where I started this foreword.

  Depression may be part and parcel of the “pathology of superiority.” It may be the downside of the type of brain, the genius brain, that gives us the sensitivity and compassion we need for careers in entertainment and health care. In this, Naomi is perfectly poised to give you this book, whether it’s through her knowledge of healing as a nurse, her sense of how to touch us with music and art, or the compassion she’s developed for all of us who have suffered from one baffling ailment to another. Depression may be part and parcel of Naomi’s genius.

  You too may have your own ups and downs. You may use medicines, supplements, psychotherapies, prayer, and so on to try to heal your depression. Let Naomi’s intelligence, knowledge, compassion, and personal experience give you hope that you can heal, and find your own genius, and have your own exceptional life.

  —MONA LISA SCHULZ, MD, PHD

  Author, Heal Your Mind: Your Prescription for Wholeness Through Medicine, Affirmations, and Intuition (Hay House, 2016)

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  Memory is often a subjective and imperfect recorder of details. My book is a stark look at my experiences of severe depression and anxiety and the treatments I underwent for both. I have brought forth the best of my recollections, though I am aware that my own memory is informed by the subject matter itself. It’s rare for each of us to recall conversations exactly word for word. The ones that appear in the book have been paraphrased and convey my feelings and experience of them. We each have our own perceptions and realities. This is mine.

  At twenty-two I was beaten and raped by an ex-con on heroin. He passed out, which allowed me to escape with my life.

  INTRODUCTION

  It’s impossible to survive a 155-foot fall from a bridge over an asphalt highway. In 2013, I reached the conclusion that the only direction left for my worthless life was down. I was convinced that a sudden fall from a high bridge was better than the slow-motion emotional decline I was enduring day by day. I was drifting, alone in a murky ocean of guilt, anger, confusion, and unrelenting sorrow. I had done everything I could to climb out of it by following each psychiatrist’s directions and giving any and all promising prescriptive cures a try. Nothing proved to be a lifeline I could grab. Nothing changed the reality that my once full and colorful life now looked empty and gray. I had tried “pulling myself up by the bootstraps,” in true Judd style, for many months. But now I could no longer even stand up under the boulder-like weight of my severe treatment-resistant depression and terrifying panic attacks.

  One bitterly cold and dreary morning the urgent thought came to me that if I couldn’t get myself out of this despair, I should end my misery quickly. Death would be instantaneous relief. I would no longer be an emotional burden to my family and friends. I was in such a state of serious brain fog that I wasn’t able to consider the effect my suicide would have on my fans. I imagined that the impact of my body hitting the highway would leave me unrecognizable. It would be a logical end, because I no longer recognized myself.

  The world knows me as the Mom half of the Judds singing duo. My daughter Wynonna and I were the most documented and commercially successful duo act in the history of country music during the 1980s and some of the 1990s. The public saw me in concert, singing and dancing at world-famous venues from Carnegie Hall to the London Palladium, the Houston Astrodome to Madison Square Garden. We performed for the millions of people who watched Super Bowl XXVIII, as the 72,000 football fans filling the Georgia Dome sang along to the popular ballad I had written, “Love Can Build a Bridge.” The Judds’ singles were number one hits, fourteen topped the Hot Country Songs chart, and our albums went platinum, selling more than 20 million worldwide. We were undefeated at every awards show, with eight Country Music Association awards. The Judds won six Grammys and I won my own, as writer of the “Best Country Song.”

  Then, just when we were cresting the top of the show business world, in 1990, doctors told me that I had only three years to live. I had been diagnosed with hepatitis C, which I had unknowingly contracted while working as a nurse, before the Judds took off. The virus usually takes several years to produce severe symptoms.

  Born an optimist, I chose to not accept the fate with which the doctors had sealed my future. I was offended by their “curse” of a rapid decline. I angrily rebelled as if a medical hex had been placed on me. As an RN I’ve witnessed what can happen when a doctor gives a patient a grim prognosis. All too often the diagnosis determines the outcome of the disease. Our beliefs become our biology.

  I had been on my own since the age of seventeen. I learned very early in life that when anything went wrong, I was the one who had to take charge and figure out what I needed to do to sur
vive. Now I was very sick, but I faced hepatitis C with my fists up. There was no known cure at that time, so all I could do was fight to survive.

  I spent the next couple of decades learning about the human brain and the state of neuroscience, delving into the findings of brilliant researchers who were making breakthroughs on the mind, body, and spirit connection. I applied to my own life everything I was learning about how our personal beliefs affect our body, mind, and spirit. I met with many of these scholars and doctors, even Nobel Prize–winning geniuses in medicine like Dr. Francis Collins, who decoded the human genome and is now the director of the National Institutes of Health, and consider many of them to be my friends. Books on the most cutting-edge discoveries in science and health would predictably be found stacked on the night table beside my bed.

  I have always been intrigued by health care and thought it would be my lifelong career when I was a single mother with two young daughters. My plan was to work full-time as a nurse and find a way to enroll in medical school at the University of Louisville, in my home state of Kentucky. I wanted to work with underserved people in the Appalachian region. My plan was set aside, unexpectedly, when Wynonna and I began singing in public and were encouraged to perform more often. After every appearance audience members would inquire why we weren’t already living in Nashville. Singing was and is the only career Wynonna ever desired. Performing is what she does brilliantly. As her mom, I knew we had to move to Nashville, to give Wynonna the best chance at a career in music. I believed her destiny was already stamped on her forehead. Yet my own interest in holistic medicine never waned.

  By 1995 doctors proclaimed me completely free of the hepatitis C virus. I felt radiantly healthy again and buoyantly happy. I wrote a book about my miraculous recovery and became a sought-after speaker on many topics. I had gained a comprehensive understanding of the body-mind-spirit connection and was asked by professional medical and social service organizations to be a keynote speaker at their national gatherings. I was honored to pass along any information that could possibly help someone else. My point of view was that there could always be healing, even if there isn’t always a cure. At the same time, I had a national talk radio show on Sirius XM, a Sunday morning talk show for Hallmark Channel taped in New York, and was cast in a number of made-for-TV movies. I was thrilled to be busy every day of the week.