Seductive Shadows

by Marni Mann

  He deserved so much better than this, better than me.

  The Doctor had been afraid of this: that if I told Cameron the truth, or Dallas, if I told them my plans, they would try to help me.

  “Cameron.” I stood, and pulled at his arms so his hands landed in mine. “Thank you for wanting to. But you getting involved will only make things more difficult. I have to get myself out of this.”

  He never said that he accepted any of what I’d just told him; his expression never showed me that, either. But I knew that because of the way he’d grown up, because of the environment that he’d been forced into, he was a protector. He’d protected his brother; I knew he was trying to do that for me now. He’d told me he could handle my darkness, but a part of me had expected him to be repulsed by my revelation. It would have been easier had that happened. The look on his face wasn’t repulsion, though. It wasn’t disgust or loathing. It was pain, pure and aching. And I was the one who’d caused it.

  I wanted so much to be the one who kissed it away.

  He shook his head. “You can’t expect me to just let you go when I know how much trouble you’re in.”

  “I’m not giving you a choice.”

  The knot in my throat made it difficult to breathe. The familiar heaviness moved into my chest, my gut.

  “It’s time for me to go.” As difficult as it was, I pulled my hands out of his grasp. I knew if I kissed him, I would never stop. And if I stayed any longer, I would never leave.

  I turned and took a step away from him, and another. I had to get out before my emotions consumed me.

  “Charlie, wait,” he said as I reached the door.

  I pushed the button on the elevator, felt the heat of him behind me. When I turned around, my face met his chest; his arms circled around my back, and he pulled me into the air. He bound me tightly to him, his skin blazing against me as his lips kissed my cheek. Neither warmed the chill that seized my body, or stilled the quivering in my stomach.

  “I need to know you’re going to be OK, wherever you go…wherever you end up. Will you call me, please, or email me…reach out to me however you can? Just to let me know you’ve gotten there, that you’re safe?”

  I closed my eyes and held onto his voice, branding it once more into my memory to make sure I would never forget him.

  Never forget home.

  I rubbed my nose over his skin one last time. My heart clenched.

  “I’ll try,” I whispered.

  I pushed my way out of his arms and rushed into the open elevator, pressing the button for the lobby. I kept my eyes on the ground; I couldn’t look at him again. What I felt, what I wanted…it was all too strong.

  I held myself together until the door closed, but once I knew I was alone I filled the space with screams. My chest heaved; my hands trembled. I leaned against the wall, pushing into the metal as though I could make it swallow me whole.

  Good-bye, Cameron.

  Those words, those feelings coursed through me as I exited the elevator. It wasn’t until I was safely in a cab, the driver pulling away from the curb, that I let the tears fall. The sobs came quick and hard. They shook my body like I had no core, and my stomach started to churn.

  Whatever strength he’d given me was gone now.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  The taxi driver announced that we had arrived, and he placed his hand up against the plastic partition. I didn’t remember any of the ride. I didn’t even remember giving him directions, or anything other than a sob leaving my mouth. But we were parked outside the gate of the cemetery and his meter showed my total fare. I tossed some bills onto his palm, and I jumped out of the cab.

  Emma had drawn me here.

  Newton Cemetery closely resembled the Public Gardens, the park where I had scattered Lilly’s ashes. Although I had never been to any other gravesite and had nothing to compare it to, the grounds were well-maintained and the scenery was soft...soothing, even. The lot the Hunts had chosen for Emma was close to the pond, surrounded by dense trees and circular gardens. The last time I’d been there had been the anniversary of our accident and the flowers had been white and pale yellow. Now, the garden was filled with bright pink blooms.

  Emma’s tombstone was engraved with her name, the dates of the eighteen years she had been alive, and the pronouncement that she’d been a loving daughter and sister. Best friend had been omitted from the description, which was just as well; she’d been so much more than that to me. Cameron may have reintroduced me to the notion of home, but it had originated with Emma.

  I sat on the grassy area that covered her casket, facing her name as I pressed my knees into the cold stone. We were all alone, just the two of us, like we’d always been. I huddled close, hoping she would keep me warm. The road that extended past the hill had very little traffic; most people had already gone to work, and the school year had begun. That’s exactly where I should have been: starting fall semester in class with Professor Freeman. Instead, I was spending my final hours in the city saying good-bye.

  Good-bye.

  I gripped both sides of the stone. “I’ve really fucked up, Em.”

  When I spoke to her like this, I could sometimes hear her in my head—the response I thought she’d have, the expression I believed she’d have worn. Today, I had nothing like that. Silence surrounded me, surrounded us. No signs, no responses. Just me and her, and a thousand regrets.

  “I know it hasn’t been very long since I was here last.” I stopped and looked down at my hand, at the heart that was tattooed on my pinky and our anniversary date that had been inked above it. “But so much has changed since then. I lost Lilly, Em...and I found my father.”

  I didn’t tell her about the mansion, about the men or the sex. About the mask I wore in my wing, or the one I’d been wearing outside of it. I hadn’t come here to release all of that again.

  I pulled several blades of grass out of the ground and threw them aside. “It doesn’t really matter that I have him now, though...after tonight I’m never going to see him again.” Had I never accepted the job, had I never made the choices I’d made, I never would have met him, never would have known he’d existed at all. And now, my life depended on me leaving him behind. “It’s all so fucked up, Em.”

  I stopped plucking the grass and folded my fingers in front of me.

  “You always told me that I lived my life in the shadows. Well, I’m not there anymore, Em. I’m not in the shadows…I’m not even reaching for them anymore. I’m running from them now.” I pressed my forehead into the stone. “Maybe when things settle down and everyone forgets my name, I’ll be able to come back.” It didn’t matter how far I went from Boston; I wouldn’t be leaving her. She was always with me, and always would be.

  So for what reason would I even have to return at all?

  Even if Cameron were able to accept what I’d done, I couldn’t expect him to wait for me. Dallas would move on, too. Our friendship would be nothing but a faint memory for him by then. There would be nothing for me here.

  “I may not be here for our anniversary, or for visits in between. But it doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten. I won’t ever forget you, Em.” My eyes filled. “You’re my home.”

  I tried to fight it, but the tears brimmed over my eyelids. I tilted my head and reread the letters across her headstone. Hunt.

  Hunter.

  That night with him was a new darkness, a new scar.

  I wanted to tell her how sorry I was that it had even happened, that it wouldn’t have happened at all if I hadn’t started on the path that led me to the mansion in the first place. It did nothing to eliminate my knowledge that Mr. Hunt was part of their clientele, part of the mess. Given the choice, I would have opted for ignorance, done so many things differently...

  This was too much.

  The thought of it all made my stomach churn again. I stood, straddling the headstone and the flowers in front of it, and bent down to wrap my arms around the hard surface. I hugged it as if it w
ere a warm body, as if it were my Emma instead of the stone that marked her grave. “I love you,” I whispered.

  I heard a noise behind me as a soft breeze of cologne wafted to my nose. I would never forget that smell. Of all the scents Dallas wore, it was my favorite.

  Another someone to leave behind, I thought.

  Another good-bye.

  “Thanks for coming,” I said.

  I’d called him from a payphone on my way to Cameron’s place. I couldn’t imagine what my voice had sounded like then; it could only have been worse now.

  He nodded. “You look awful. Are you all right?”

  “No.” I wiped my eyes. “Definitely not.”

  His arms opened and I fell against his chest, letting him hold me until I could gather myself, until I could share it all with him.

  With my best friend.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  Once I was in the limo on my way to the mansion, I slid out of my jeans and pulled the long-sleeve over my head. I changed into the white silk robe and terry cloth flip-flops, stuffing my outfit into the bag labeled Charlie once again. I had stripped in this backseat during this ride so many times that I usually paid very little attention to any of it anymore. But tonight, every sound was an alarm. Every turn and tap of the brake caused me to question our destination. I imagined they were taking me somewhere other than the mansion, that my death had been ordered for tonight, before I could escape. The Doctor had assured me that I would be safe, but anything was possible…everything could have changed since we’d last spoken.

  I was only slightly relieved when the mansion finally loomed in view. I moved through the entryway and gripped the banister, squeezing my fingers around the wood as I ascended the grand staircase. The sturdy surface couldn’t stop my body from shaking or soothe the anxiety that pulsed through my veins. I concentrated on the prospect of the little nips of alcohol tucked in a cabinet in my wing. A few of those down my throat and my mask would be complete. I’d be able to get through tonight. I’d be able to hide the fear that threatened to burst out of me.

  My eyes drifted along the walls of the music room, over the arches above the stairs. There had always been an eerie feeling about this place, a haunting aura of darkness that hovered unseen in the air. I felt it much more keenly now. I felt the death that lurked in these chambers, realized that the whispers and secrets that they contained were really stifled screams, and the elegant music piped in through the speakers was there to disguise them.

  There wasn’t any music to conceal my screams as they echoed throughout my room tonight, though. Jay had requested silence. He wanted to hear me fully, to respond to every desire as I moaned. But the sounds that came from me were false, fake. Just another mask. I couldn’t get my head in the moment, and the alcohol had only served to soothe my nerves in the slightest. It had done nothing to calm my frantic thoughts.

  His lips traveled down my neck and across my bare chest. His tongue flicked my nipple, and the scent of wine stirred and filled my nose. It blended with the starch of his shirt and the woodsy scent of his skin. He smelled like what I imagined a real man would; I had always hungered for that…until Cameron.

  Now I hungered for so much more.

  His body hovered over mine and I turned my head, pressing my cheek into the pillow. His mouth ascended as he kissed my chin, my nose, my forehead.

  “Beg for me,” he whispered.

  I usually melted at the sound of those words. But tonight, I moved my neck farther into the pillow instead. He shadowed me.

  “Playing hard to get…I like that.”

  I wondered how many girls had occupied this bed before I had.

  They’re all dead now…

  I squeezed my lids shut and turned my head the other way. Then I remembered the cameras. For the sake of my own safety, I took a deep breath and begged. “I need your tongue, baby. Eat my pussy…make me come.”

  His tongue was too familiar, and so were his hands. I knew his pattern: two licks downward, one lick across, and suck. Two fingers would probe; another would tease my ass. But I didn’t want his tongue, or his fingers. And I didn’t want his familiarity. I wanted to be away from the mansion. I wanted to be with Cameron, where I belonged.

  “I’ve missed this clit,” he breathed.

  No one would miss you…

  I arched my back and bucked my hips against his face. There wasn’t a build in my stomach, or a tingle in my clit. This was all for show. I spread my legs even wider, taking handfuls of the pillows and sheets as I screamed out Jay’s name, shaking my core so it appeared as though I had been rocked with shudders. After several seconds, I fell flat on the mattress, closed my eyes, and waited for whatever he was going to do to me next.

  “Relax a little for me, baby.” He was on top of me, teasing my hole. His teeth were on my nipple. But it wasn’t arousing anymore. It was an irritation. My body was so stiff and so dry…he was having a hard time entering. I clamped my lids shut and rubbed my clit, hoping the friction would make me wet again.

  “Open your eyes. Show me how much you want me.”

  His mask brushed across my chest, but I wanted it to be Cameron’s caramel colored hands caressing me. I wanted his dark red pouty lips around my nipple, his blue eyes roaming my body.

  “You want my tongue again, baby? Is that why you’ve gone dry?”

  I looked down between my breasts and met his stare. His lips started gliding toward my navel. Inside this house of horrors that knew nothing of sympathy, I knew this was Jay’s way of caring about me. Since he had been booking me multiple times a month, I’d learned his sex; he had proven to me that he wouldn’t shove anything in unless I was wet. But I didn’t think him licking my pussy was going to bring me to the level he wanted. So I rolled to my feet and led him to the edge of the bed. He sat; with my hands on his thighs and my breasts sliding down his body, I got to my knees, closed my eyes and took him in my mouth. I let the movement bring me to another place, one where all of this made sense, where I wasn’t filled with wonder and bewilderment. Where I wasn’t filled with Jay’s cock.

  When I looked up again, Cameron’s eyes were staring down at me.

  ***

  The drop-off rotated between three different train stations. Tonight, I knew I had about fifteen minutes of my ride left. I counted to sixty, over and over again, preparing myself in case something went wrong. In case Victoria had read my fears and had replaced the Doctor’s plans with some of her own. My hands kept occupied by fumbling with my bag. I didn’t have anything else to busy them with—no phone calls to make or texts to send. Sometimes, I would call Dallas from the limo to pass the time, but I had already spoken to him today. I had spoken to everyone.

  I had said my good-byes.

  Dallas’s reaction hadn’t been all that different from Cameron’s: he wanted to protect me, to help me, and I had to convince him that me leaving by myself was the only way. But unlike Cameron, I could tell he had an opinion about my job at the mansion; it showed on his face, hung on his lips, though he didn’t say anything. He just shook his head as I spoke. I knew how much it hurt him to hear me confess my sins of the mansion, and to know that I was leaving because of it. But I couldn’t change either decision anymore.

  Before we left the cemetery and went our separate ways, I told him how much I truly cared for him, and that I hoped I would see him soon. He squeezed me tighter than he ever had. I left before he had the chance to say another word.

  And from there, I’d taken a taxi to the Public Gardens. Lilly had been my shadow, every bit as much as Emma had been my light. They were both in the air that I breathed in every day, the tiny particles that shimmered in the sun. I wanted to visit her gravesite one last time. The place where I’d scattered her ashes.

  “I’ll be taking you with me, Lilly,” I told her. “You and your sweater.”

  I could feel her sometimes when I closed my eyes, or when I wrapped her sweater around me. I could hear her voice. I could smell her scents.r />
  “I miss you more than I expected to.”

  My words to her were raw, and more revealing than what I’d said to Emma. Maybe it was easier sharing my darkness with Lilly because I knew she wasn’t pure. She wasn’t any better than me.

  “I’ve cried for you. Cried for who you wanted to be because that’s who I want to be. But I’m not like you,” I told her. “I’m worse.”

  I wondered what Lilly would have thought had she still been alive, if she would have remembered the Doctor.

  If she would have missed me after I left.

  ***

  I felt the limo come to a stop and heard the sound of the driver’s heels as he made his way to my door. I heard the handle click, the swish of fabric as I moved across the seat, pulling my bag with me. I kept my pace normal, my expression blank as I walked past him and into the station. Once there, I boarded my train.

  It was late, and there were only a few passengers riding. I turned sideways and stretched my legs horizontally over the thick plastic seats. In a short time, I would be driving with the Doctor to the plane, flying to an unknown city, in a country that I had never visited, attempting to discover normal again. For these last few minutes, I tried to imagine what that would be, the normal that I longed for. I pressed my nose against the window. With every blink, my lashes scraped the glass.

  I couldn’t enjoy my last viewing of the city as it coasted past my vision. The emptiness in my chest, the void in my stomach wouldn’t allow me that. There were too many unknowns now: where I would live, how I would work, if my art would still be allowed as a part of my life. If I’d ever truly be safe or satisfied…or happy. As I got closer to my departing station, I realized Charlie would soon be nothing more than a memory—one I’d probably be forbidden from ever speaking of again.

  But what about the others who’d become memories in the mansion, the lost souls who weren’t given the choice to live, or the chance to escape? It wasn’t just or fair that they hadn’t had someone to save them, that they’d lost their lives because the Doctor wasn’t their father. Emma and Lilly hadn’t been given choices either before their lives were taken from them.