Songbird

by Bell, Julia

I glanced at the paper in front of me and then I looked at Mrs Holland. I had come to trust this woman that I had first met only seven months before. She was almost like the mother I had lost at a time when I needed her the most. Perhaps it was time to tell the truth.

  “I’m afraid I have a problem,” I murmured, biting my lip.

  “Is that so? Well, perhaps you can tell me and we can sort it out together. That’s what I’m here for.”

  I smiled, pleased and yet amused at her concern for me. “I don’t think I’ve thought things through properly,” I said.

  Mrs Holland took my hand and led me over to the couch by the fire. “Then sit down and we’ll discuss it.”

  We sat and I gazed into the flames of the fire. “I don’t know where to begin,” I said, shaking my head.

  Mrs Holland smiled and patted my knee. “You’re having a problem writing your letter?” I nodded. “That means you’re not sure how to explain your situation here at the chateau?” I nodded again. She paused before saying, “May I ask you what you told your family about this trip to France?”

  “I said I had taken a position in a ladies academy teaching music. I told them that I would see if I liked it and if I hated it then I would return home. I thought that would leave everything open for when I did return in July.”

  “What a splendid ruse, my dear.”

  “The trouble is, my address is Chateau St Julienne and not a ladies academy.”

  Mrs Holland considered this for a moment. “There is a ladies academy about ten miles from Rennes.” The look on my face made her smile. “Firstly, it might be better if you use writing paper bought from a stationers. I’ll get some this afternoon. Secondly, I know the headmistress of this academy, so I’m sure she won’t mind you using her address.” She nodded reassuringly. “I’ll pay her a visit and ask her if it will be acceptable. It will be lovely to see her again after all these years.” I gave a half-smile realising that that was only the smallest of my problems. Mrs Holland noticed my lack of enthusiasm. “Come on, my dear, out with it. I can see you have something else on your mind.”

  I summoned my courage. “When you…examined me last September,” I started hesitantly, “did you notice anything…about me?”

  Mrs Holland’s expression darkened. “Why do you ask?”

  “Please answer me. What did you discover?” I refused to be deflected from my question.

  She turned her head away. “My dear, it’s not important now.”

  “It is to me.”

  She looked at me, shaking her head sadly. “I discovered…In fact, it was obvious to me that you were not…”

  “A virgin?” Now that I had said the word, I felt more confident.

  “Yes, I saw that was the case.”

  Moments of silence fell before I continued. “And what was your opinion on that?”

  She shrugged indifferently. “I had no opinion. My instructions were to establish that you were not already pregnant. I saw that you were not and I was content.”

  “Did you pass this information on to Karl and his wife?”

  Mrs Holland removed her spectacles and rubbed her eyes. “I told Mr Karl. If he told his wife then that was up to him.”

  “Was he angry?”

  “Why should he be angry? No, my dear, he didn’t expect a maid to agree to have a child for him. That would have been extremely foolish.” She thought for a moment. “In fact, he was very relieved by my discovery, since if I had found you were still intact then he would have cancelled the arrangement immediately.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he wouldn’t have compromised a young woman and ruined her chances of marrying in the future. Mr Karl is a gentleman.” She placed her spectacles back on her nose. “However, the fact that you had agreed to it, made us suspect that you had already lost your virginity.” She sighed. “We hoped a young widow would apply, but none did.”

  I was relieved that she had turned her gaze back to the fire, as I knew my cheeks must have turned a bright shade of scarlet. My breathing quickened.

  “Did you discover anything else about me in your examination,” I whispered.

  She reached out and squeezed my hand, her head still turned towards the fireplace. “Yes, my dear. I discovered that you’d had a child.”

  My heart started pounding in my head. “You could see that?”

  She turned to face me. “I saw the evidence. You have a small tear that’s healed. It’s hardly noticeable, but I could see it and I knew it had come from childbirth.”

  “So, you know,” I said huskily.

  “It happens more often than one would think. Even to young women from a respectable family.” She gave a sad smile. “Look at Lisette’s sister. She came from a very good family, but fell in love with someone completely unsuitable.”

  I asked the next question with difficulty. “And I suppose you told Karl that I’d had a baby?”

  Mrs Holland’s expression became pained as if she was struggling with her conscience. “I was given firm instructions to pass on any information I had about you. I had to tell Mr Karl that you were no longer a virgin. He would have discovered that for himself anyway. But I decided to ignore the fact you had already given birth.”

  “Why did you do that?”

  “Because of my respect and loyalty for you. I felt you deserved some privacy and if I had told him then a lot of awkward questions might have been asked that would have delayed matters. And I felt it better to get this business out of the way as soon as possible, so I stayed silent.”

  “Oh, I’m so glad,” I said, laughing and crying at the same time. “I didn’t want him to know.”

  She sighed sadly. “It’s a sad affair when a young girl has a baby out of wedlock. It’s always the woman who has to carry the shame. Men seem to get away with…”

  I squeezed her arm to stop her. “Mrs Holland, if I tell you something, will you promise to keep it a secret too? You mustn’t tell Karl or his wife.”

  “It will be breaking the rules.”

  “Rules are meant to be broken.”

  “All right, my dear. It seems to be a morning for getting everything out in the open. Tell me what you wish and it won’t go any further I promise.”

  I smiled. “My baby wasn’t born out of wedlock. My real name is Mrs Isabelle Asquith.” With her blue eyes as bright as a summer’s day, Mrs Holland listened to the story of my life in the Rhondda and my life after. At the end of my story I felt as though an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. “So, now you know everything.”

  “But you must be very short of money if you agreed to…” She gestured towards my expanding stomach.

  “Oh, Mrs Holland. I don’t want to stay a music teacher. I want to sing opera at Covent Garden. But before I can do that I must train at The Royal Academy of Music.”

  “That sounds expensive.”

  “Yes, it is. And that’s why I agreed to do this.” I grimaced. “But I don’t want Karl and his wife to know anything about my life. I said I was Miss Pritchard, which was my maiden name, simply to keep my married life separate. I loved my husband with all my heart and I didn’t want to disrespect his memory by using his name.”

  She pulled a handkerchief from her sleeve and dabbed at the corner of her eyes. “You’re a courageous girl. No, Mr Karl and his wife will know nothing of your life or your son…What did you call him?”

  “Daniel Barri,” I smiled. “I named him after his father and grandfather.”

  “Daniel Barri,” she nodded. “A good strong name. No, Mr Karl and his wife are getting what they want so that will be sufficient. This doesn’t concern them. I’ll still refer to you as Miss Isabelle Pritchard. So, you have no worries about your true identity being revealed.”

  “And that brings me to my other problem,” I giggled as I saw her bewildered expression. “My sister-in-law will write back addressing her letters to Mrs Isabelle Asquith.”

  She laughed with me. “Yes, my dear. And I will ask my go
od friend, the headmistress of the ladies academy, if she will be so kind as to accept letters on behalf of Mrs Isabelle Asquith.”

  It was a satisfying morning and when I wrote my letter to Nan, I told her that I was contented because that was how I felt at that precise moment.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  “Wake up, mademoiselle. Happy birthday,” said Lisette.

  I stretched and yawned and then looked down at my huge stomach. The baby gave me a vicious kick and I grimaced. I swung my legs over the side of the mattress and tried to haul myself out of bed. Laughing, Lisette came across and helped me to my feet.

  Mrs Holland had estimated that I should deliver the child within the next two weeks and I couldn’t wait to get rid of the tiresome burden I was carrying around with me. This fact alone had come as a surprise, since I had never felt like that with Danny. In fact, every month had been a joy with my son, even though I had spent the last three struggling with the pain and grief of losing my husband and father.

  Despite my increasing discomfort, March, April and May had been wonderful at Chateau St Julienne. I had watched the spring slowly spread its glory across the meadows, seen the daffodils and tulips burst through the soil in the gardens and witnessed the wildfowl on the lake, nest and hatch their young, the babies following their mothers in a flurry of soft feathers. The Bretagne region of France was certainly a beautiful place.

  The duc and duchesse had kept their promise and when the weather became warmer, we picnicked in the grounds, boated on the lake and strolled through the woodland. My confession to Mrs Holland three days after our arrival at Chateau St Julienne had given me enormous confidence. She knew all about me now and I knew she would keep my secret. It would go no further with her and now I felt comfortable being Miss Isabelle Pritchard.

  It was the tenth of June and my twenty-first birthday. I planned to spend the day quietly, as usual, but that evening we would have dinner by the Greek temple and an orchestra would entertain us. But I had also arranged a special event, unknown to the others.

  “Is the weather good, Lisette?”

  “The sky is so bright it hurts your eyes, mademoiselle. It’s going to be a beautiful day for this evening’s entertainment.” She helped me to the dressing table. “And I think you’ve practised enough to be absolutely perfect.” She gave me a wink.

  Yes, I had practised. I had sung in the woods where no one could hear me, for tonight I wanted to surprise my hosts with a special gift as a thank you for their kindness. Lisette helped me bathe and dress and then I went downstairs for my breakfast. I had got into the habit of wearing my hair loose, tied back with a ribbon. It was only when I dressed for dinner, did the little maid pile my brunette curls up onto my head and fasten them with a comb or spray of silk flowers.

  Now that I was nearing the end of my pregnancy, my heart yearned for home. I missed Nan and Gwilym terribly. And as for my little boy, I wanted to hold him in my arms so much that it caused pain just to think of it.

  Nan’s letters had been very informative. Mrs Ryan had been blessed with her eighth grandchild. Mrs Hemmings had been poorly with chickenpox. Charity Reynard and family had moved to Ireland. Good, I thought, she can annoy the Irish for a change. Gwilym was well and looking forward to finishing his studies. His new stethoscope was still the envy of his fellow students. Danny was saying more words and could now construct an intelligible sentence. ‘You can have quite a conversation with him,’ she wrote. ‘But he keeps asking for Mama,’ she added and that part broke my heart. My letters had progressively spoken of my disappointment in the ladies academy and the fact I might have made the wrong decision. Finally, I had suggested that I would return to London in July and I had asked Nan to apply to the music academy for me so that I could enter for the scholarship at the end of that month. Nan’s reply had been ecstatic and she had informed me that she had done it immediately. My name was on the candidates’ list for the third time.

  I tried to keep memories of Karl at bay. It seemed such a long time since I had last seen him that he was becoming distant. I had been close to him for only a brief time and now I wondered if I really had fallen in love with him. I was certain he wouldn’t give me a minute’s thought and although I still wore the watch on the bodice of my dress, I realised it had been a farewell gift, drawing a line under our relationship.

  My birthday was spent much as any other although I was delighted with the presents that awaited me at my place at the breakfast table. A musical jewellery box in walnut, decorated with ivory and pearl, from the duc and duchesse. A silver brooch in the shape of a butterfly from Mrs Holland. Even Lisette had left me a small gift of a tortoiseshell comb on the dressing table.

  I went for my customary walk and delighted in the sight of the budding roses that would fill the garden with dazzling colours and an intoxicating fragrance. I had got used to the servants’ strange glances and in reality, they had got used to me, brushing me off as one of the ‘poor lost lambs’ that their master and mistress seemed to collect from time to time. It didn’t matter. Another month and I would be back in London.

  The Greek temple was a hive of activity. Lanterns were being strung among the trees and the area was being cleared for the long trestle table and the seats for the orchestra. The conductor was already there, making arrangements for his players and I wandered over to him and had a quiet word. He nodded at my first request and smiled enthusiastically at my second. Everything was in place.

  We walked from the house towards the lake that evening. I leaned on Mrs Holland’s arm and I laughed with embarrassment at all this fuss and bother over my birthday. Everyone was being so kind. Even Lisette accompanied us and carried my cloak in case the weather turned colder. When we reached the temple I gave out a gasp of surprise. It looked so beautiful, the lanterns glowing not only in the trees but also on long poles round the clearing and candles had been lit for the table. The white marble front of the temple shone in the radiant light. The orchestra was already in place and tuning up. The table was covered with a white linen tablecloth and laid out with beautiful china, silver cutlery and wineglasses of crystal. We took our places, the music started and the meal was served.

  I was touched when the duc proposed a toast to me and I blushed when everyone clapped. The conductor signalled to me and I excused myself and walked across to him. Suddenly, I felt unwieldy with my colossal size and looked towards Lisette. She smiled brightly and nodded. I knew that my gown was the prettiest one in the wardrobe in a beautiful shimmering purple and Lisette had dressed my hair with a spray of silk violets, but how I wished I didn’t feel like an elephant. The duc, duchesses and Mrs Holland exchanged bewildered glances at my actions, but smiled when they realised that there was a conspiracy in progress. I spoke to the conductor and then moved in front of the orchestra.

  I cleared my throat. “I would like to sing two pieces of music for you, to thank you for your kindness these last few months. The first is a song from my homeland, Wales, the second you’ll recognise immediately.”

  The conductor raised his baton and then I sang Land of My Fathers, but in order to give it the flavour of my country, I sang in Welsh. After I had finished, the applause was loud and I curtsied to my delighted audience. There was silence and then the conductor raised his baton once more and the familiar notes of the Marseillaise echoed over the lake. I had practised it in French, with help from Lisette and as I sang, the duc and duchesse and Mrs Holland rose to their feet. And then everyone joined in, even the servants who had served our meal. And as we sang, tears streamed down the duc’s face. It was an emotional moment for him and from then on he talked of nothing else but my rendition of his national anthem. It was a wonderful birthday and the last event before the birth of my baby.

  That night I snuggled down under the satin quilt. Laughter echoed down the corridor from the two nurses that Mrs Holland had hired and I knew that everything was prepared for the baby’s arrival. But it was so different from when I had Danny. There were no baby clo
thes in sight, no woollen shawls, or lace caps, no embroidered nightgowns and tiny socks. There was nothing of the nursery equipment needed for the new arrival. My function was simply to bring the child into the world and then it would be taken away. And I was glad. But four days later something happened to shake my carefully controlled existence. To make me doubt my own feelings.

  I awoke to another beautiful June day and spent most of it as I always did, with very little deviation from my routine. It must have been about five o’clock when I decided to walk down to the lake before I returned to the house to dress for dinner. I stood at the water’s edge and sighed wearily. The baby kicked me and I grunted with annoyance. And then my instincts told me that I was being watched. I froze. I could sense someone a short distance away, probably behind the large rhododendron bush just to the left and behind me. It certainly wasn’t a servant or Mrs Holland, as they would have spoken out immediately. Whoever it was stood a few feet from me, silent and waiting. Without turning round, I looked about for some kind of weapon, a long, thick twig or a large stone.

  “Please don’t turn round, Isabelle. Stay just where you are.” His voice was soft, just as it had been when I first heard it.

  “Karl?” I whispered.

  I heard him move nearer. “Are you well?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are they looking after you?”

  “Yes.”

  He stepped closer and placed his hands on my shoulders. “I had to come to see you, although I was forbidden.”

  “Breaking the rules again,” I said smiling.

  “Rules are meant to be broken.” I knew he was smiling too.

  I reached up and touched his hand and an electric charge surged through me. “Please let me turn round.”

  “No. I can’t bear to look into your eyes.”

  I couldn’t understand what he meant so asked instead, “When did you arrive in France?”

  “Only yesterday.”

  “You’re not staying at the chateau?”

  “We’re staying in the neighbourhood.” I took note of the ‘we’. Of course he would have his wife with him. He came even nearer and I could feel the warmth of his body next to mine. His hands slipped from my shoulders and came round me and then he was holding me against him. I leaned my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes, enjoying the sensation of being wrapped in his arms. I did love him, that I was sure of now. “I’ve thought of you so often,” he whispered against my hair.