Songbird

by Bell, Julia

  “This is how I always remember you. The firelight making your skin glow like amber, your eyes sparkling, your hair tumbling over your shoulders. And yet now…now you seem more beautiful.”

  “I shouldn’t be here, dressed like this.”

  “Have you forgotten that I’ve seen you in far less.”

  I pulled my dressing gown more closely round me. “That was different.”

  He gripped my shoulders tighter. “Why? Because I was paying for it.”

  I began to feel uneasy. “Yes! Well, no, not exactly. It’s just that circumstances are different now.”

  “Do you ever think of that time? When we were close.” His voice sounded desperate and I began to feel suspicious.

  I lowered my head, not wanting to meet his gaze. “Sometimes. But I try not to.”

  He pulled me back into his arms, pressing his face against my hair. “Sometimes it’s all I can think of.”

  “Then I wish you wouldn’t.” I tried to extract myself from his tight grip. “I must go.”

  “Isabelle, I love you,” he whispered.

  His sudden confession went through my heart like an arrow. I could never believe that he loved me. I remembered the wager and a shudder went through me. I shook my head slowly and eased myself away from him, holding him at arm’s length.

  “No, sir, you’ll not trick me into winning any bet for you.”

  “What bet?” he frowned.

  “The wager Sir Joshua Portland suggested. Remember? The one were the winner is the first man to make me his mistress. If I recall you found that very interesting.”

  A look of puzzlement passed over his face. “But that was just male banter. I didn’t mean it.” I reached for the small lamp on the mantelpiece and holding my fan in the other hand, I turned away from him. He reached out and gripped my arm. “Isabelle! Oh, dear Lord, please believe me. It’s the truth.”

  I glared at him and steeled myself against his shocked and pained expression.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  It was difficult to wake up the following morning. I felt so tired and my eyelids refused to open. It was only when I heard laughter outside my window, did I make the effort to haul myself up onto the pillows and rub the sleep from my eyes. I reached for my watch on the bedside table. For a moment I gazed at it, my fingers caressing the tiny diamonds round the rim, marvelling once more at the farewell gift from Karl after our last afternoon together. A precious memento that I had worn over my heart for seven years. But then I remembered our conversation in the study and in the drawing room the night before and I felt betrayed, almost defiled. How could I have been so wrong about him? I noticed the time.

  In horror I saw that it had gone ten-thirty. I had never slept so late and panicking, I struggled out of bed. I staggered over to the window and drew back the curtains. I realised that the fire was hungrily consuming a huge mound of coal and knew that Nelly had already been to my room to make it up. She must have crept about not wanting to disturb me. I looked out at the weather.

  There were quite a few dark and ominous clouds about and it was obvious that the rain would return very soon. By the looks of it, it had rained during the night as everything seemed sodden, the water dripping from the bare branches of the trees and large puddles accumulating in the dips of the gravel path. Suddenly, Emily appeared wearing her blue cape edged in fur, but also wearing rather large waterproof boots. She was jumping in the puddles and her face showed absolute delight. I couldn’t help smiling. But my smile faded when I saw that Karl and Danny were following close behind.

  Karl’s arm was round Danny’s shoulder and they were talking amicably. Now and again Karl would laugh out loud at something my son had said. To a stranger, they could have been father and son enjoying a morning stroll and a moment of male companionship.Anger surged through me and I gripped the curtain, crushing the soft fabric. How dare he try to appease me by ingratiating himself with my son. I would have to have words with him immediately. I wouldn’t tolerate having my boy used as a weapon. I stepped over to the bell-pull and almost yanked it from the wall in my fury.

  Nelly appeared within minutes. “Oh ma’am, you’re awake at last.”

  “Why didn’t you rouse me?” I asked crossly.

  She didn’t seem put out at all by my snappish manner. “I was instructed by her ladyship that you must be left to sleep for as long as you needed.” She picked up my dressing gown and held it open. “Now, put this on, ma’am, I don’t want you catching a chill.”

  I slipped my arms through the sleeves and then felt angry with myself for being so willing to follow orders.

  “I didn’t want to sleep too late,” I muttered.

  Nelly gave a satisfied grin. “Well, you look a lot better for it, if I may say so myself.” She steered me over to a small table by the window and pressed me down into the chair. “I’ll go and fetch your breakfast and you can enjoy it looking out at the scenery.”

  Her tall frame disappeared through the door in a whirl of white frilly cap and apron.

  I rested my elbows on the table and cupped my chin in my hands. She was right, I did feel better for sleeping longer. I turned my head to the window and saw that Karl and the children had disappeared, probably to the stables. Danny had done nothing but talk of his new foal and no doubt would want to visit him every day until we finally left for London.

  I saw Karl coming back along the path and then Sir Joshua Portland came striding across the lawn. He was a mountain of a man, well over six feet tall with a ruddy complexion and sporting an impressive profusion of side-whiskers. Although he wore a hat, I knew he was completely bald. Karl called him over. I watched them talking for quite a few minutes, taking note of Karl’s earnest almost angry expression and Sir Joshua’s rather concerned one. Sir Joshua rubbed his hand over his face and shook his head slowly and then they moved away and I could no longer see them.

  Nelly appeared a couple of minutes later, carrying a small basket containing a tablecloth, crockery and cutlery and immediately set the table. She went back out and in a short while returned with a breakfast tray. My mouth fell open at what I saw. There was a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, a medium sized bowl of porridge with a little honey poured over it, a slice of toast covered with scrambled egg and a small pot of tea.

  “I can’t eat all this,” I gasped.

  She wagged her finger at me. “Yes you can, ma’am. Cook has prepared this especially for you. He says that he wants the dishes to come back completely empty.” She smiled. “And when you’re finished I’ll prepare a bath for you and then do your hair.”

  I picked up the napkin and spread it on my knee. “And then will I be able to go out?” I sighed, trying to show patience with someone who only had my best interests at heart.

  “Not this morning, but perhaps later on this afternoon.”

  I stuck my thumb in my mouth like a little girl. “Yes, Nanny,” I said, in a small voice.

  The meal was quite delicious and I did devour every single bit, much to Nelly’s satisfaction when she came to clear the table. She prepared my bath and as promised, dressed my hair.

  She seemed thoughtful, as she fastened the buttons on my gown and straightened the material.

  “I met Lord Shelbrook on my way to the kitchen. He asked if you’d be so kind as to go to the drawing room when you’re ready.”

  I turned to look at her. “He wants to see me?”

  “I think that’s the general idea, ma’am.”

  I had terrible misgivings. “Where’s my son?”

  “In the stables with the young ladies.”

  I nodded since it was just as I expected. I had hoped to have a word with him and ask him what he had been discussing with Lord Shelbrook on their little walk. I prayed that he hadn’t divulged any secrets and Karl now wanted to take me to task yet again. If he did then I would pack our trunks and go straight home.

  I was rather subdued as I made my way to the drawing room and three pairs of eyes turned in
my direction when I opened the door. To my surprise, not only was Karl there, but also the Marquess of Salisbury and Sir Joshua Portland. They looked like guilty schoolboys and I could feel the tension.

  “You wished to see me?” I asked, looking at Karl.

  “Please sit down,” he said politely and I obeyed, making myself comfortable in the armchair and smoothing out my gown.

  Silence fell and then I saw Karl send the marquess an expectant glance. Obviously, he had been chosen to open the proceedings.

  He cleared his throat and then took my hand, bowing over it. “My dear lady. I want to apologise most sincerely for my crass remark in the stable the other day. I had no idea you were in earshot, but even so, to say you would make an excellent mistress was both rude and insensitive. I can only say that I have embarrassed myself and I feel utterly ashamed. Please will you forgive me?”

  I stared at him and then briefly closed my eyes. “Sir, I feel I must accept your apology.”

  He smiled and released my hand, only to be replaced by Sir Joshua who seemed to tower over me.

  “I too, dear Mrs Asquith, have shamed and disrespected you by suggesting that stupid wager. It was a moment of unkindness that I bitterly regret. I’m afraid I have a propensity for saying and doing things that are totally unacceptable, as my darling wife will tell you. I also, beg forgiveness.”

  I nodded. And then Karl stepped forward. Unlike the others he didn’t take my hand, but instead gave me a polite bow.

  “And I thought I was being witty by saying the wager would be interesting. But instead I made a damned fool of myself. All I can do is offer my sincere apologies and hope that our ungentlemanly conduct has not spoilt your visit.”

  I inclined my head towards him. “Your apology is accepted, sir.” The marquess and Sir Joshua bowed and left the room, their heads lowered in humility. Karl stayed where he was, his hands clasped behind his back, his eyes on his shoes. “I take it that was your doing?” I asked, as the door closed quietly.

  He nodded. “I felt it was necessary after our conversation last night.” Our eyes met. “I didn’t want you to go home thinking ill of me.”

  “What did you have to do to persuade them to apologise?”

  He seemed genuinely shocked. “Absolutely nothing. In truth, they barely remembered saying it, but when I explained how upset you were, they were more than willing to make amends.”

  I rose slowly to my feet and sighed. “So, it’s better to put the incident behind us.” His lips parted as if he was about to say something but then thought better of it. I took my opportunity. “I saw you speaking to Danny this morning. Would you mind if I asked what you were talking about?”

  He smiled. “He was telling me about his governess. What’s her name?”

  “Miss Rupp.”

  “Exactly! He said that she brings a grass snake called Jasper to see him and how terrified you are that it might escape.”

  “I’m not terrified. I just don’t like snakes, that’s all.”

  Silence fell between us until he said, “Your son is becoming fond of Pegasus.”

  I felt uncomfortable. “I can’t understand why Lord Waltham gave him such a generous gift. It’s wonderful, but that foal must be expensive.”

  “Perhaps he’s grown attached to the lad and wants to see him happy.”

  “Even so, it’s put me in an awkward position.”

  He stepped closer, frowning. “Tell me why.”

  “I’ll not be able to keep him away and I have obligations in London. I can’t be running backward and forwards between the capital and the country.”

  “The foal must stay here and I don’t see any reason why Danny can’t visit him accompanied by someone other than yourself.” He hesitated a moment before saying, “Perhaps your sister-in-law or your friend would oblige while you continue your music lessons?”

  I felt alarmed at such a suggestion. “No, Danny stays with me. If he wants to visit his foal, then I’ll bring him.”

  “You’re too possessive, Isabelle,” he said, clicking his tongue.

  Anger coursed through me. “Don’t tell me how to be a parent. I’ve cared for Danny for nearly nine years.”

  “And I’ve brought up Emily for over six years and I’ve learnt that a child must be given a certain amount of freedom and independence.”

  “You make it sound as though I keep him a prisoner.”

  His face broke into a grin. “I know you don’t do that. But just look how he’s been since coming to Claythorpe. He’s run around like a wild colt and enjoyed every minute of it. He should be allowed to discover his own interests and potential. With his mother’s guidance not her control.”

  I moved away from him. “I don’t control him. I’ve always done my best for him.”

  His expression softened. “I can see that. You’re an excellent mother, just a little overprotective. He’s a wonderful young boy and it’s a terrible shame his father didn’t get to know him. He would have been so proud.”

  “Would he?” I asked, discomfort and anger making my cheeks burn.

  “Absolutely. It’s what every man desires, a son like Danny.”

  I thought this over. “Are you disappointed that you had a daughter?”

  He shook his head. “Certainly not. I didn’t mind what sex my child was.”

  “But you’d have liked a son?”

  “Under normal circumstances, I would like many more children. At least two of each. But Emily is the only child I’ll have and I thank God for her.” His turquoise eyes suddenly misted over. “And I must thank you too.” He came towards me and I stayed still, not daring to move. “Despite the money you received, I realise you went through a lot to give me Emily. Every man owes a debt of gratitude when a woman bears him a child. As you said at your interview, it’s a risky business and some women don’t survive the ordeal.”

  I tilted my head and smiled. “You seem to remember a great deal about what was said at that interview.”

  “You left a lasting impression on me. Both then and later on when…” He stopped abruptly and stepped closer to me. He took my hand and kissed it. “Isabelle, I meant every word I said last night. I fell in love with you and I still love you. I always will. I didn’t intend it to happen, it just did.” I tried to withdraw my hand, but he held it tightly. “No, listen to me. Let me finish. I’m not going to ask anything of you. I would like us to keep in touch, but if you wish it, we’ll see no more of each other. We’ll go back to our lives as they were before you ever came to Claythorpe House. However, I want to give you this.” He pulled a white card from his pocket. “My address in Wiltshire. You told me once before that you wished you knew my name and where I came from. Well, you know my name and there’s my address also. If you wish to write to me, then I’ll be happy to receive your letters. But if you ever need my help in any way, then just let me know. I would like to remain your friend.”

  He kissed my fingers once more and then bowing sharply, left the room. I stared at the closed door long after he had gone and then at the calling-card in my hand.

  The Rt. Hon. The Viscount Shelbrook

  Standford Park

  Alton Priors

  Wiltshire

  There was a time, seven years ago, when I would have given anything to have this small white card in my possession. But now I read it with my mind in a whirl. I left the drawing room and kept on walking, through the house, down the long gallery and then back again. I needed to exercise to put my thoughts into perspective. Did he sincerely love me? Was I so important to him that he would simply be a friend, not asking anything of me? It seemed I still had more questions than answers.

  I spent the rest of that day quietly with the other ladies, staying indoors since the rain became torrential and it was impossible to walk outside. I climbed the stairs to the nursery when the children were having their tea and afterwards, while Emily and Abigail were playing with the dolls house, I asked Danny what he and Lord Shelbrook had been discussing. He confirm
ed everything that Karl had said. That he had spoken of Miss Rupp and of Jasper the grass snake and how excited he was at having a horse of his own. In fact, it had been a pleasant conversation lasting only ten minutes and after speaking to my son I had to admit to myself that nothing untoward had been said, no secrets divulged, no compromising questions asked.

  But I had to ask him some questions of my own and these made me feel very uncomfortable.

  “Danny please tell me. Do I…fuss over you too much?”

  He lowered his head as if shy. “Do you mean when you stop me doing things?”

  “What things, dearest?”

  He puffed out a breath. “Like when I go and play at Oscar’s and you take me to his house and then come for me.”

  I felt a little taken aback. “I don’t like you to be out on your own.”

  “But he lives at the end of the street.” He gave a grin. “I won’t get lost.”

  I thought this over. “All right, when we get home, I’ll let you go to Oscar’s on your own.”

  “And to the Co-op?”

  “Why do you want to go to the Co-op?”

  “When you need something, you always go and Miss Rupp has shown me how to buy things and get the right change.”

  I sighed. “Yes, if I need some groceries then you can go for me.”

  His face brightened. “And school. I want to go to school, Mama.”

  I put my arms round him and held him close. “You will when you’re thirteen. You know I have your name down for Harrow.”

  “But Miss Rupp has said that there are prep…preparatory schools for boys much younger. I could go now. I was asking Lord Shelbrook and he said he’s a governor of The Hall in Camden.” His eyebrows puckered. “I’m not sure what a governor is but it must be important if Emily’s papa is one.”

  I swallowed hard. “Oh, you’re too young. At thirteen you’ll be more independent.”

  “I’ll only be away during the day. I’ll spend every evening at home.”