Songbird

by Bell, Julia

  There are matters I would like to discuss with you and I would very much like you to take supper with me tonight at my club. I will send a cab for you at nine o’clock. However, if the driver returns without you then I will understand.

  If I must return to Standford Park without seeing you again, then I will write and tell you the details I wish you to know.

  Your devoted

  Brett

  My first thought was that I couldn’t go. I would be right in the middle of the performance. But then I had second thoughts. What if I sent a message to Andrew that I was ill? A feeling of shame swiftly followed the idea. It was deceitful but then surely one Saturday night was allowed me? I had worked constantly since Christmas. As I stood in the middle of the room considering the problem of meeting a married man, I convinced myself that I was going to discuss business. Yes, I would go and ask Brett the questions that ached to be answered. I ran upstairs and hid the letter and document in my dressing table drawer and then I went down to tell the others my news.

  “But who is…was this Mrs Holland? You’ve never mentioned her,” said Nan.

  “Oh, someone I met quite a few years ago,” I answered.

  “While you were still a music teacher? Or did she have something to do with the theatre?”

  “When I was a music teacher,” I said truthfully.

  Nan and Diamond’s expressions showed their surprise.

  “And this house is in Ealing?” said Diamond.

  I nodded. “It’s a beautiful house in a lovely area.”

  “But why did she leave it to you?” said Nan.

  “I’m not sure, except we always got along very well and she must have thought more of me than I ever realised.”

  “So, what’s your plan,” said Nan, turning her mind to more practical matters.

  I leaned my elbows on the kitchen table and rested my chin on my clenched hands. “The house is mine and I’m free to let it or sell it. But it seems silly to be paying rent ourselves when there’s a lovely home waiting for us.”

  “You’re talking about us moving?” said Nan quietly.

  My eyes swept around the kitchen. “We’ve lived here for three and a half years and we’ve been very happy. I don’t want to move if you don’t so please tell me what you want to do.”

  Diamond shuffled in her seat. “Ealing is quite a way out of London. We’ll have further to travel to work.”

  “Yes, but it’ll be worth it.”

  She became thoughtful. “Victor lives in Ealing,” she murmured.

  Nan and I exchanged amused glances. She had never mentioned his name before, but we knew who Victor was.

  “Perhaps he would travel with us and share the cost of a hackney?” I suggested nonchalantly. “Three Thespians together will make it an enjoyable journey.”

  Diamond didn’t answer, making a proposal of her own. “Why don’t we go and see this house and make up our minds then?”

  “What about tomorrow morning?” I said.

  And they both agreed.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  I bathed and dressed with care that evening, my heart throbbing in my throat. As I fastened my hair with a silver comb, my hands trembled alarmingly. I looked at myself in the mirror. I had chosen a blue dress with white lace trimming and a matching coat. A white fur boa and muff completed the ensemble. When the cab arrived, I was ready, although I was so nervous my mouth kept drying up.

  The journey didn’t seem to take more than fifteen minutes as the driver guided the cab through the busy London streets that were thronged with evening revellers. I watched the shops and houses go by and then realised that we were travelling in a familiar direction. By the time we pulled up outside the massive double doors of the gentlemen’s club, I was panicking. How could Brett be a member of same club as Andrew, in a city that was filled with gentlemen’s clubs?

  He was waiting for me and smiled as the cab came to a stop. Opening the door, he helped me alight and I noticed he was wearing a dress suit of fine wool and a shirt and waistcoat of white cotton.

  “I’m so glad you came,” he whispered. He turned to the cabby. “Come back at eleven-thirty, will you.” The driver raised his whip handle to the brim of his hat in acknowledgement. Brett offered his arm and I slipped my hand through. “I’ve asked for a table that’s private, so we can discuss matters without being overheard.”

  I tried to hide my nervousness, but I could feel myself trembling. “I seem to have so many questions for you.”

  “All in good time,” he said, patting my hand.

  He led me into the hallway and as we crossed the floor of cream tiles, I knew for certain that the portraits of former presidents were glaring down at me in absolute disapproval. I was taking supper with a married man and it was disgraceful! I left my coat, boa and muff with the cloakroom attendant and then clutching my fan tightly, we went into the dining room. A waiter showed us to a table at the far end of the room and in a secluded bay. I was glad of its position, since if Andrew happened to come into the club after the performance, I would have the opportunity of hiding behind the partition. I looked around and noticed again the gold and red décor and the white marble statues of Greek gods and goddesses in naked poses.

  “Have you been a member long?” I asked casually, taking the menu from the waiter.

  Brett nodded. “Yes, for nearly twenty years. I come to London about three or four times a year on business and my stay here is always very comfortable.”

  I tried not to giggle and failed, remembering that I was once the ‘business’ that he had come to London for.

  “It’s a nice place,” I said, looking around. I closed the menu. “I must ask how Emily is. Did she have a lovely Christmas?”

  He smiled with his memories. “She always does and the toys she receives would fill a shop.” He cleared his throat. “She has a slight scar on her forehead and she shows it to everyone, telling them how Mrs Asquith saved her from drowning in the icy waters of the river.”

  “I don’t like to think of that incident too often,” I said with a grimace.

  He reached across and took my hand. “I have a lot to thank you for.”

  I looked around to see if anyone was watching us and then glanced at him wondering if I should tell him about the appalling decision I made that terrible day. To let our daughter drown so that I could save my son. But then I decided that it was better left unsaid. After all, the thought was not followed by the deed.

  “We’re going to visit Mrs Holland’s house tomorrow morning,” I told him cheerfully.

  “You mean your house.”

  “I don’t feel it’s my house yet. I’ve been talking to Nan and Diamond and I’ve suggested that we move in.”

  “I think you should.” He paused for a moment. “I take it Nan and Diamond are the ladies you live with?”

  “Nan is my sister-in-law and Diamond my friend. I’d like us to move in. As I told them, it seems silly to pay rent when there’s a home for us in Ealing. The trouble is, that house means…it’s where…”

  “We first met,” he finished. The waiter came to take our order.

  “It’ll be strange if we do live there,” I said, watching the waiter disappear to the kitchen.

  “Mrs Holland wanted you to have the house and she wanted you to live in it.”

  “Did she tell you that?”

  “Yes, she did. I was with her for two days before she died and she spoke often of you. She had no relatives to leave her property to and she knew you would love and care for her home.”

  “I always thought it a beautiful house, but it still doesn’t explain why she left it to me. She had friends even if she had no family. Surely, they were more entitled than I?”

  “She looked on you as the daughter she never had.”

  “Did she? I never realised. I thought Jane would have been more like a daughter.”

  “Jane is a servant,” he said dryly.

  “I must work for a living.”

  “
But your upbringing makes you middle-class. Jane is working-class.”

  I sniffed in contempt. “I think you’re a snob, sir!”

  He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “I’m landed nobility and I have set ideas about a person’s place in life.”

  My lips twitched with amusement and I decided to drop the subject. The waiter brought our meal and I spread the napkin over my knee.

  “Why didn’t Mrs Holland want me to know about her illness and why, oh why, was I not told about her funeral?”

  Brett let out a long breath. “It was her express wish that you mustn’t be informed.” He poured out a glass of wine for me. “She knew her life was coming to an end and she wanted to make a full confession to me. And because of that she couldn’t bear to see you. I think she suffered a conflict of loyalties after telling me everything. I sincerely believe she thought you would hate her for betraying a confidence.”

  I felt shocked. “But I never would have done that.”

  “I don’t think she wanted to give you the opportunity by asking you to come to her sickbed.”

  I sighed sadly. “Well, I’ll visit her grave tomorrow and say farewell.” I watched him curiously. “So, what did she confess?”

  “That she had discovered you had already given birth when she examined you.” He paused for a moment before saying, “And I must say here and now, that that examination was my wife’s idea. I thought it was quite unnecessary for you to undergo such an invasive procedure.” His cheeks flushed with embarrassment and he took a gulp of wine.

  I shrugged indifferently. “Perhaps it was for the best. At least you knew I wasn’t…intact, when we were first together.”

  “Hmm. Quite so,” he said into his glass.

  I tried not to smile and failed. “What else did she tell you?”

  “That while in France you told her about your marriage.” His eyes darkened. “And she decided to keep that from me too.”

  “Were you cross with her?”

  “No, not really, although to be honest, I had been specific in my instructions. She was to tell me everything she discovered about you. I felt I had the right to know. But I hadn’t calculated on the human side to this agreement. The fact that she would form a friendship with you and therefore, would feel a loyalty towards you also.”

  “But you were financing the arrangement. It truth, she should have served your needs not mine.”

  This made him smile. “It just goes to show that money doesn’t always matter.”

  There was a lull in the conversation as we ate. I thought over his last comment. Money had certainly mattered to me. I had been more than willing to hand over my child for financial gain.

  I wanted to change the subject and asked quickly, “Do you really think I should live in the house?”

  He nodded slowly. “Yes. It’s your house now. Make it your home.”

  I still had doubts. “But whenever I visited Mrs Holland, I was Miss Pritchard. And you and I were there together. For two weeks we were intimate in that house. Is it possible to live there with those kind of memories?”

  His expression became tender as he reached across and took my hand. “Are they happy memories?” he asked softly.

  “In some ways they are,” I whispered. “But Brett, that house will remind me of us, of our child and how I gave her up.”

  He visibly started. “That’s the first time you’ve said my name.”

  I smiled sadly. “It’s taken me a while to think of you as Brett.”

  “Even so, it’s wonderful to hear,” he said, kissing my fingers. “So, you still feel guilty about the fact you gave up your child?”

  “Yes,” I gulped.

  “There’s nothing to feel guilty about. You gave me a truly wonderful little girl. And then fate threw us together again. And in that short week, you became more of a mother to Emily, than Angelique ever was.”

  “I’d love to hear her call me Mama,” I said wistfully. “But I suppose I never will.”

  He looked down at our entwined fingers. “I never thought you’d meet her,” he murmured. “So the fact it happened seems a miracle in itself.” He raised his face and his blue-green eyes sparkled. “And I never thought I’d see you again. That’s another miracle I’m grateful for.”

  “You’re glad I came to Claythorpe House?”

  He nodded. “You’ll never know how much I longed to see you again. I wished for it every single day.” His fingers gently caressed mine. “Isabelle, I’m leaving in two days’ time and I desperately want to see you again. Please say we may meet again tomorrow.”

  His request was unexpected and my instincts urged me to cry no, it is wrong. But his eyes showed such wretchedness that it disturbed me.

  “You said you would ask nothing of me.”

  He looked uncomfortable. “You’re right and I’m breaking my own rules.”

  “Rules are meant to be broken,” I said softly.

  “Yes, I always said that, didn’t I.” He took in a deep breath. “I’ve decided to visit the art gallery tomorrow afternoon. I thought I’d go about two o’clock. It’s an excellent place to go if it starts raining.”

  I remained silent as we stared at each other. And then I watched mesmerised, as his fingers continued to caress my hand.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  It was out of the question. There was no possibility of meeting him in the art gallery. It was unacceptable. I spent a restless night and was relieved that Danny was a sound sleeper. By the time morning arrived I was glad to jump out of bed.

  There was a great deal of humorous banter as we piled into the cab and set off for Ealing. The cabby pulled up outside number fifteen Gibson Place and Diamond let out a low whistle.

  “Now that’s what I call a house,” she said.

  She and Nan looked about them and made admiring comments on the smart row of Georgian houses that were set in the sweeping crescent. An occasional nanny could be seen pushing a pram, and sometimes a footman or groom passed us going about their business.

  And then Nan pointed to the park opposite. “What a wonderful place to play cricket,” she shrieked. “Danny will love it.”

  I had left my son with Oscar’s mother, since I felt that this viewing should be for adults only while we made up our minds. But Nan was right and Danny would love the park. However, there was plenty of time for him to view the house and surrounding area.

  I lifted the large brass knocker and knocked gently. My heart missed a beat. How many times had I done this before when I had been visiting? I glanced guiltily at Diamond and Nan and felt very uncomfortable.

  Jane answered, still wearing her parlour maid’s apron and cap, but with a woebegone expression.

  “Oh, Mrs Asquith, I’m so glad you’ve come.”

  “How are you?”

  “Very sad, ma’am.”

  “I’m sure you are. This is Miss Asquith and Miss Ward. They’ve come to look the house over with a view to moving in.”

  Jane clasped her hands together. “I do hope you decide to live here, ma’am.”

  She opened the door wider and we all stepped inside. Nan and Diamond were impressed from the start. The spacious hallway delighted them. They loved the pink and white parlour and I noticed straight away that the room was empty of any personal effects. Flowers filled the vases but the surface of the tables and bureau were devoid of any ornaments or photographs. I looked towards the drinks’ cabinet and gasped that in my mind’s eye, I could see Brett standing there, smiling at me. He was Karl no longer and as I remembered the evening before, yearning surged through me.

  Nan and Diamond nodded appreciatively at Mrs Holland’s beige dining room and then we followed Jane to rooms where I had never ventured, a sizeable study and a remarkable morning room. Then we went to view the kitchen and utility rooms. Nan nodded in satisfaction, the kitchen tended to be her domain and this one was massive and full of light from a large window. Jane opened the cupboards and drawers, showing us every pan, pot and utensil a c
ook would ever need.

  We trekked upstairs and swallowing with difficulty, I trailed after them as they viewed the bedrooms. I left them to their own inclinations and quickly walked down the corridor to the room at the far end and flung open the door. I stood on the threshold, holding my hands in a tight grip. There again was the bedroom in cream and lilac, with the same rich lilac curtains at the window. The armchair still had its place by the fire, with the small table to one side. The dressing table, wardrobe and dresser were as I remembered them, with the washstand in the corner. And against the wall stood the double bed, still covered with the satin quilt.

  “What a beautiful room,” exclaimed Diamond over my shoulder.

  “Hands off. It’s mine,” I said fiercely.

  “Looks like we’re moving in,” said Nan, pulling a comical face.

  Downstairs, Jane went to the kitchen to make a pot of tea while Nan and Diamond inspected the conservatory and garden. I watched them disappear through the French windows and heard Diamond’s exclamation of delight and how she would love to plant a cherry tree at the bottom near the gazebo.

  Jane appeared with the tray of tea. She nodded in the direction of the window. “Well, your lady friends seem quite happy with the house. Do you think you’ll move in, ma’am?”

  “It looks like we will,” I nodded.

  She beamed. “Oh, I’m so glad. I thought you might want to sell it and I wondered what would become of me.”

  I felt startled. “But I thought Mrs Holland left you a legacy. You don’t have to be a servant now.”

  She shook her head. “I’ve lived here since I was ten, ma’am and I have no other home. Yes, I have more money now, but being a maid is all I know. I hoped you’d employ me as your maid and then I can stay here.”

  I hadn’t considered this. “I’ll have to speak to Miss Asquith and Miss Ward about it.”

  She looked at me quizzically. “Is Miss Asquith a relative of yours?”

  “My late husband’s sister.”