by Anton, Sandy
He smiled as he thought of her. Jenna. A month ago he'd thought he had been happy. Now he knew he'd had no clue of what true happiness was.
Setting his feet back down on the floor, he opened up his browser and typed in a quick search. Something had been on his mind all morning, in between phone calls and fact checking. He had woken up with the thought on his brain, although maybe it had been gradually developing in his subconscious the last two weeks.
He scrolled quickly, going through pages and pages of jewelry. Nothing seemed right. Nothing was perfect enough for Jenna.
He sighed and let his hand drop from the mouse. Maybe this whole idea was ridiculous anyway. She seemed happy with the way things were. Should he be trying to give her more?
Or maybe he should just give her more space? He shook his head. He didn't know. All that he knew was that he wanted to do right by her.
Jenna sprinted down the steps and across the platform, practically throwing herself through the subway train's doors.
“Yes,” She whispered to herself as the doors closed behind her. Five more seconds and she would have missed the train and then had to wait for God knows how long for the next one. As it stood, though, she was still on time, and would maybe even arrive at the offices of Work It early.
She grabbed onto a pole as the train lurched forward. The car was packed, and every seat was taken. Jenna bit her lip. She'd worn heels for the special occasion of leaving her apartment (which was where she spent about ninety-five percent of her time working) and going downtown to interact with actual humans. Standing for the entire train ride was not going to be fun.
Slowly, she worked her way down the car, moving her hand from pole to pole. Maybe there was a seat at the other end.
Finally, she found one at the very end of the car. Sighing in relief, she plopped down and opened her purse. Now was a good time to double check her make-up and ensure that everything was still in place. Rifling through her massive Louis Vuitton purse (the one splurge she'd allowed herself since moving to the city), she located her makeup bag and pulled it out. Touching up eyeliner on the train was a no-no (unless you wanted to submerge from the underground with just one eye), but she could retouch her skin and lipstick.
The car was a loud one. A guy in dreads sitting just a few feet away was blasting music from his cell phone, bobbing his head along like the reggae beats were the best thing ever to happen in the world. A few teenage girls chattered loudly, throwing their heads back in laughter. The noise that caught Jenna's attention, though, was the conversation going on directly across from her.
A couple who looked to be about in their forties was having a heated conversation. They appeared to be trying to keep their voices low, but Jenna could hear them perfectly clearly.
“I should never have gotten into this,” the woman said, her arms crossed and her brows furrowed. “I feel like I've wasted ten years of my life. You know, there were a hundred other men I could have been with. Instead, I committed to you.”
“I didn't make you do anything,” the man snarled, before looking away and shaking his head.
Jenna opened her compact and began powdering her nose, but kept her ears strained. The two people across from her were strangers, but she felt so emotionally involved in their drama that she felt like she knew them.
“We used to be in love,” the woman said, sounding close to tears.
The man sighed. “I know. What happened?”
Jenna peeked over the top of her compact at the absolutely desolate looking pair. Fear clutched her chest. What had happened? The two of them were in love and then what? Things got too crazy? Too confusing?
Was that what was going to happen to her and Fernando?
Suddenly, the woman looked up and caught Jenna's eye.
Jenna ashamed at being caught eavesdropping, froze. The woman didn't look angry, though. She just looked sad. She raised her eyebrows at Jenna, and the one simple look said so much. It was one of those 'What can you expect?' looks.
Jenna's chest began to tighten, and she struggled for breath. Her hands were shaking, she lowered the compact and stared at her lap.
What could she expect? That things were going to be rosy and glowing forever? Or should she expect that in ten years she and Fernando would be sitting in a train or on a park bench having the word for word conversation that these two strangers had just had?
Jenna closed her eyes in fear. God, no. Don't let it be so, She prayed.
Her plea didn't feel like it went anywhere, though. Instead, it felt like it sat right in her heart, flaming and then smoldering, and never getting to be heard.
Fernando tossed the empty rice carton in the trash and then stretched his arms above his head. His neck was sore from the hours spent at his desk, and it had been a few days since he'd had time to hit the gym. Then again, he had been working out in other ways...
Heat spread through his body as he thought about Jenna on the couch the night before. Her golden hair spread out across the cushions... Her hands were clutching his hair as she moaned...
A knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts. Jim Norton, another long-time attorney at the firm, stood in the doorway. “You didn't go out for lunch?” He asked.
Fernando shook his head, slightly embarrassed about being walked in on while he was fantasizing about Jenna- not that Jim could read his mind or anything. Still, it was kind of awkward to be thinking about your girlfriend's breasts while the buddy you went to baseball games with was standing right there.
Jim smirked. “Let me guess. This has something to do with the new girlfriend, right? Putting in the extra work to get home in time?”
Fernando grinned in embarrassment. “I guess if the shoe fits...”
“And it looks like it does,” Jim quipped, walking into the room and snatching up the mini basketball that sat on the coffee table. Turning swiftly, he tossed it towards the hoop that Fernando had hanging over the back of the door. The ball bounced off the hoop's rim and rolled under the desk.
“She must be a special girl,” Jim said, groaning as he got on his knees to retrieve the ball. “To the best of my memory, in the three years we've known each other you haven't had one single girlfriend. Or if you have, you've certainly never talked about them.”
“She's the first in a long time,” Fernando sighed heavily.
Jim popped up with the ball. “You sound kind of down, though.”
“Well, she's young...”
“-So are you. You make act older, but you're still twenty-nine.”
Fernando paused. “I say that because I'm not so sure, she's ready to commit.”
“And you are? Wow. That doesn't sound like the Fernando I know.”
Fernando looked over Jim's head to gaze out the window at the Brooklyn Bridge. All his life, he'd just assumed that there was no one out there for him to commit to. Fernando Gomez lived in a shell- one from which he kept a very tight control on all circumstances of his life. No one was going to be able to draw him out of that shell, and he had always known that.
And then, suddenly, he'd met Jenna, and he'd known almost instantly that he wanted more. Yes, he was ready to commit. Not only that, but he wanted some real confirmation of their future together.
“Yes,” He finally said, looking back at Jim. “I am.”
Jim nodded his head and looked thoughtful. Fernando glanced down at the ball in his friend's hand, noticing his wedding ring. Jim had been married for over ten years. Maybe he had some advice.
“How did you know you wanted to be with Clara?” He asked, nodding at the ring.
“That's easy.” He took a few steps back and threw the ball at the hoop again. “I knew when I didn't have to ask myself that question. With girls before, I had to wonder: Were they right for me? Were they good for just having flings? With Clara, I just knew. Do you feel that way at all about this girl?”
Fernando didn't even have to think about it. Yes. He knew. The only thing he wasn't sure about was how Jenna hersel
f felt.
Chapter 13
“We could go to this new bar on 34th,” Fernando offered.
Jenna gave him a brief smile across the table before looking back down at her plate. His stomach twisted. She'd been pushing her food around since it had arrived, and had only taken a few bites. Something was obviously bothering her. He'd ended up working late at the office anyway, so he had texted her to see if she wanted to meet downtown for dinner. It was nearly ten o'clock. Maybe she was just tired and pissed off because of that.
“Are you mad about me always working late?” He asked. “I'm sorry about that, but it is something that attorneys have to do sometimes.”
“No, it's not that.” She sighed and looked off across the restaurant. They'd gotten a table at the very back, in the corner, and were removed from most of the noise. Jenna was currently looking at the bachelorette party by the front window like she'd rather be up there instead, though.
“I just...” She paused, the struggle evident on her face. “Our relationship confuses me sometimes. I mean, it's all happened kind of fast. I'm so into you, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't expecting a relationship right now.”
The words stung, but Fernando tried not the let them show. What she was saying was one of the last things he wanted to hear, and he inwardly cursed himself. Perhaps he'd been pushing her into moving into a relationship too fast. He should have been more attentive to her needs.
Over Jenna's shoulder, their waitress walked up to check on them, but he forced a smile and shook his head at the girl, who then backed away.
“If we moved too fast, I apologize for that. It's my fault.”
He reached across the table to take her hand, and she responded by squeezing it. “It's not your fault. No, of course, it's not your fault. You're amazing. It's me.”
Fernando didn't know what to say- he wasn't even sure what Jenna meant. Wasn't that the standard line: It's not you, it's me?
And why did women always have to be so confusing and cryptic?
He swallowed hard. He didn't want to say what he was about to, but he had to offer the option. “Do you want to take a break?”
“No!” She looked up at him, her eyes wild. “Well... I don't know.”
Fernando bit his lip in frustration. Underneath the table, his hands balled up. “How can you not know?”
“Please don't be mad at me.”
Fernando took a steady breath. He was mad, sure, but he wasn't mad at her exactly- just at the whole situation. He was definitely finding it hard to keep calm when it felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest. “I'm not mad at you, Jenna. I'm just trying to understand.”
She buried her face in her hands and sat silently for a moment before grabbing her purse and standing. “I have to go.”
“What? Why?”
Fernando stood too, reaching out a hand to stop her. Tears were pooling in her eyes and threatening to ruin her always-perfect make-up.
“I'll talk to you later,” She gasped, before turning and practically running out of the restaurant.
“Jenna!” He called as she shoved the front door open. She was already gone, though, with the puzzled hostess staring after her.
The people at the nearby tables were staring as well but at Fernando. His head was reeling, he sat back down. He was going to pay the check and then go after her- even though he had no clue as to what the hell was going on.
“Women,” An old guy at the table next to him said with a cough as if that explained everything. Fernando gave the man a sad smile. Then again, maybe that one word did explain everything.
Chapter 14
Jenna scrolled through the YouTube comments, wasting time. She knew she shouldn't be reading them anyway. Not if she wanted to keep her sanity. Because although half the comments on her most recent video were positive and glowing, the other half were written by trolls just looking to ruin other people's days.
'Jenna Smith is so ugly. Who would take advice from her?' One poster had written. Jenna sighed and shut her laptop, then glanced around the little Latin Cafe. She'd discovered the place- six blocks from her building- just last week, and had found it to be a great respite both from her apartment and from Starbucks, where she sometimes went to write emails and blog posts. She liked to think of it as her secret place. Almost every person that came in walked through the door speaking Spanish, and not even Fernando knew that it was her new hideaway.
The dining area was just as crowded, as it had been when she'd been there the day before, a mix of old men sitting at tables shooting the shit with each other and young people like Jenna working on their computers.
She picked up her spoon and absentmindedly stirred it in her coffee. She needed to talk to Fernando. She knew she did. It had been wrong of her to not only storm out of the restaurant the night before but also to ignore him when he'd come knocking on her apartment an hour later. She hadn't known what to say, though. She barely understood her own feelings.
Now it was almost noon and she'd barely gotten anything done. Was he at his downtown office suffering from the same problem? Jenna bit her lip. If he was, it was all thanks to her. She didn't want to hurt him, but she was.
On the table next to her coffee, her cell phone buzzed. Jenna's heart beat fast when she saw it was a text from Fernando.
Will you please come over for dinner tonight?
Jenna rubbed her temples. Why did this all have to be so hard? She wanted Fernando- God; she wanted him. She wanted to see him every single day- to touch him, talk to him, lay in bed and laugh with him. But the idea of being with one man for the rest of her life... Well, it made her stomach clench up in fear.
And why was she even thinking in 'rest of her life' terms? They'd only been dating for two weeks.
She knew why. Because she'd never been into someone the way she was into Fernando, and that terrified her.
Stifling another sigh, she opened her computer again. She had emails to answer that she'd been putting off all morning. As she pulled the browser up, though, a little box popped up in the corner of the screen. She'd meant to log out of Skype so that she could (attempt) to get some work done without any of her friends from home messaging her, but she'd totally forgotten to.
“Caitlin!” She said out loud, noticing who the message was from. It had been weeks since she'd talked to her little sister, and she hadn't realized just how in need she was of hearing a voice from back home. Jenna was the oldest of three girls and although she'd always been close to both Caitlin and Liz (the youngest, and a senior in high school) Caitlin and she had always had a special connection. Jenna used to joke that they were the 'two musketeers.'
Caitlin answered the request for a video chat about two seconds after Jenna made the call.
“Hey city girl,” She squealed, all blue eyes and crazy, wavy blonde hair. Over her shoulder, Jenna could see the bedroom that Caitlin had in the apartment she shared with two of her old high school friends. Caitlin was nineteen and had moved out of their parents' house only a few months before. Although tame for her age, she was currently living it up playing adult for the first time.
“Hey yourself,” Jenna laughed. “How's the restaurant?”
Caitlin stuck her tongue out. “Ugh. Awful. I need to get out of here.”
“Well, you can always stay with me for a while.”
Caitlin shook her head. “By 'out of here' I meant the next town or something. I'm not as brave as you, Jen. Packing up and moving to New York? I mean, wow...”
Jenna tried to smile. If Caitlin only knew how much, she was floundering.
Caitlin perked up again and started to practically bounce in her seat. “So how is life in New York?”
“It's... interesting.”
“Must be, because I haven't heard from you in two weeks. Are you, like, making millions now and living on a yacht with a Spanish bull fighter?”
Jenna laughed again. Caitlin could always cheer her up. “No, not exactly. Work is going great, for sure. Also...” S
he paused, not sure yet just how much she wanted to tell her sister. “I met a guy.”
Caitlin's eyes nearly popped out of her head. “Oh my God! Dish!”
The old guy at the next table peeked over at Jenna's computer, craning his neck to get a good look at the screen. Nosy much? Jenna thought defensively, but she turned the volume on her computer down a notch. Caitlin could get crazy loud when she was excited. She didn't want to get kicked out of the cafe for having an unnecessarily loud video chat. Also, she had no idea what her sister was going to say next- Caitlin could be unpredictable- and she didn't need the whole place knowing about her personal life.
Jenna leaned closer to the screen. “Well, his name is Fernando-”
“Oh my God, I love him already! Is he a Spanish bull fighter?”
Jenna gave a short laugh before getting serious. “Are you interested in hearing this?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then listen.”
Caitlin froze and nodded her head in mock seriousness. “Yes, ma'am.”
“Okay, so, he's amazing in so many ways, and I think he's getting serious about me...”
Caitlin nodded her head vigorously, encouraging Jenna to continue.
“But I just don't know. I mean, when I moved here I wasn't planning on throwing myself into a relationship.”
“Because of Brad?”
Jenna paused. “Partly, I guess.”
“Look, that guy was a total asshole. Is this Fernando the same?”
“No, he's definitely not.”
“Is he gonna cheat on you like Brad did?”
“No, I don't think so... No. Fernando is... “ Jenna stopped, thinking about Fernando's Dom business and how he'd quit it for her, simply because he felt uncomfortable servicing women when he had a girlfriend. It didn't seem likely that he would ever cheat.
“Well, he's his own person,” Jenna continued, absentmindedly twirling a strand of her hair. “But, no. I don't think he would cheat.”