Streetlights Like Fireworks

by Pandolfe, David

  “Any time.” Peter glances at Jessica before his eyes meet mine again. “It was great having you here.” He gives my hand another pump before letting go.

  I take a step closer to Jessica. She steps toward me as well, then opens her arms and wraps me in a hug. She presses her cheek against mine and after a moment whispers, “You’ll let me know, right?”

  I can’t help myself. “You already know,” I whisper back. “We both do. But I promise I’ll call as soon as I find out more.”

  Jessica holds me tight for a moment. “You better.”

  “I promise,” I say again.

  And a promise, after all, is a promise. A promise is a string that runs through time and distance and never disappears, whether it’s kept or broken. But there is no way I’m going to break that promise.

  Then it’s just me and Lauren again in the van. She puts the key in the ignition. I watch in the rearview mirror as Jessica and Peter walk back toward the house.

  “You okay, Pajama Boy?” she says.

  I think about that for a moment. After all, it’s been a lot to take in and my life is never going to be the same. Still, I know. I have a feeling about it and I trust that feeling. “I’m okay,” I say. “Yeah, I think I’m good now.”

  “That’s kind of what I thought,” Lauren says, “You know, Portland is just a few hours south of here. What do you think?”

  I wipe a tear away, hoping Lauren doesn’t notice. But I’m sure she does. She’s is a very observant person, after all. “Do you still have that compass handy?”

  “You know I do.” Lauren reaches into the pocket of her hoodie and passes the compass to me. “Let me know if you get anything from it.”

  I take the compass from her, press my hand around it and close my eyes.

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  Jump When Ready

  1

  Voices from the Other Side

  The world around me was dark green and silent except for the sound of my own heart, still beating, but slowly now. I took another breath that wasn’t really a breath, just my lungs trying again. Nothing more than a reflex at this point. The battle was already lost, I felt pretty sure. Still, I hoped because that’s what we do until the very end.

  I hoped someone would rescue me, even when I knew that wasn’t going to happen. The rapids must have pulled me too far; otherwise, someone would have gotten to me by now. It seems strange, but in those final moments I still imagined a future. A reflex of the brain, I guess, that refusal to quit, to give up and accept the truth. I thought about starting high school next fall. Not much to look forward to, from what I’d heard, but I’d still been sure it would be better. I thought about my family and the trip we had planned for visiting the Northwest. I’d been looking forward to seeing Seattle and Portland, getting out of the Virginia heat for a few weeks that summer. Part of me hoped we could still make that trip together. I couldn’t help it—I still wanted these things to happen. That was my world, the small one I knew, and I kept hoping to hang onto it.

  But even now my heart was slowing more, the time between each beat getting longer. There was a light above me—I could see it through the murky water. Maybe it had been there the whole time and I’d been too scared to notice. Then there were voices, the muffled sound of people calling my name, and I wondered if someone had gotten there in time. I kept staring up at the light, which kept growing brighter.

  Then the voices were fading.

  I didn’t hear my heart anymore.

  There was just the light above me. I swam toward it.

  ~~~

  The next thing I knew, my legs were straddling a thick branch in a giant fir tree, my hands grasping coarse bark. I looked up to see that the sky had grown completely overcast and the air was cool around me now. None of it made sense. Moments before, it had been hot and sunny in Richmond. I’d been at the river—I remembered walking into the water. I looked down and realized I was really high above the ground. Unbelievably high, like I’d never been before unless I was riding a rollercoaster and strapped in tight. I clenched my eyes shut, started swearing like crazy and held onto that branch with everything I had.

  Then I heard one of the voices again, a guy who sounded about my age. “Henry, relax,” he said. “You’re okay.”

  I told myself I couldn’t be hearing an actual person, that soon I’d wake up in the hammock in our backyard, probably still clutching Bakuman manga I’d been reading before zoning out.

  “Henry, please stop using that kind of language. You’re offending us!” This time it was a girl’s voice.

  Laughter followed, from what sounded like a small crowd around me.

  “Seriously, open your eyes.” It was the guy again. “What’s the worst that could happen? You fall. Don’t worry about it.”

  Dream or not, how could I keep my eyes closed when people were talking to me? I refused to look down again but I managed to turn to my right from where I’d heard the guy’s voice. A kid with a spiky black mohawk stared back at me from where he sat on another branch of the tree. He wore a black T-shirt with a band logo on it. The Cure, a 1980s band I’d heard of.

  “You can stop hanging on like that,” he said. “Unless, of course, you want to. Entirely up to you. Doesn’t really matter. My name’s Jamie, by the way.”

  I nodded like I understood but held on tight. It took all my courage just to keep my eyes open.

  “That’s Nikki over there,” Jamie said. “You should at least say hello. She was the first to call out to you when it happened. Did you hear us?”

  I turned left to see Nikki sitting on another branch. Nikki would have been extremely noticeable no matter what, with her jet black hair and dark brown eyes, but the kimono thing kind of threw me. You just don’t expect to see that in anything but a movie. She was also wearing jeans and roller skates. Earbud wires ran down each side of her neck and she was nodding along to music I couldn’t hear.

  Nikki popped out one of her earbuds and smiled. “How’s it going?”

  I had no idea how to answer the question. What was happening seemed impossible. What had happened before seemed impossible. Words just kind of spilled out. “Where am I? Who are you? I don’t know what’s going on. I think, I don’t know, I think I may have just drowned or something!”

  While I was totally confused, Nikki didn’t seem confused at all. She just nodded. “Yeah, I hear drowning sucks,” she said. “How did that go for you?”

  My head was spinning. Nothing going on around me made anything close to sense. Meanwhile, Nikki sat there on her branch waiting for an answer.

  “How did what go for me?”

  Nikki cocked her head. “The drowning part. I’ve heard it’s kind of like slow torture. You know, because you can tell the entire time—”

  “Don’t mind her,” Jamie said. “Nikki’s not particularly sensitive when it comes to, well, you know.”

  Jamie remained sitting next to me high above the earth. Strangely, his T-shirt had changed. Although it was still black, now it showed a logo for a different band, The Smiths. I hadn’t heard of them before. At that moment, I realized I was wearing jeans and sneakers and one of my own T-shirts. I was also complete
ly dry. All things considered, that was the least strange thing going on.

  “No, I don’t know,” I said.

  “I mean the D-word.”

  “You mean dead?”

  Jamie winced and lowered his voice. “Do you feel dead?”

  It wasn’t like I knew what being dead was supposed to feel like but I was pretty sure this wasn’t it. I shook my head.

  “Cool, you’re starting to get it already. Good for you. Just so you know, we try not to use the D-word here.”

  I looked around, trying to see who he was talking about, but I didn’t see anyone other than him and Nikki. “Why not?”

  Jamie shrugged. “You know.”

  “No, I don’t know! Why do you keep saying that?”

  “Right, sorry. We haven’t had a new one here in a while. The D-word makes people feel bad. We just say ‘between lives.’ Get it?”

  Of course, I didn’t get it. “But you’re saying I’m dead, right? I mean, I have to be. Either that or I’m dreaming this whole deal. Maybe they got me out of the water and I’m at the hospital, on drugs or something. Is that what’s going on?”

  When I was ten, I wiped out on my skateboard and broke my arm. My parents took me to the hospital and the doctor sent me home with painkillers. Whatever that stuff was, it made me crash out like nobody’s business. I remember having all these wild dreams. Nothing this weird, but still. I waited for Jamie to admit he wasn’t real.

  “Nothing like that,” Jamie said. “No drugs. No hospital. You’ve definitely entered a different phase.”

  “Phase? What kind of phase are you talking about? Spell it out for me.”

  Jamie waited a few seconds, then nodded. “Okay, sure. I’ll do my best, but it’s not all that easy for some people. Depending.”

  “Depending on what?”

  “Well, on what you were told. Let me ask you this—what did you expect?”

  To be honest, I really hadn’t spent all that much time thinking about what might happen to me after I died. I guess that might make me seem kind of shallow, but I’d always found that stuff kind of depressing. Besides, it wasn’t like anyone actually knew. Either way, sitting in a giant fir tree next to some dude with a mohawk and self-altering T-shirt alongside a kimono-wearing roller skater had never once crossed my mind.

  “I don’t know. Maybe heaven? Something like that?”

  “Okay, sure, heaven. So, like pearly gates, bright light, guys in robes walking around on clouds? Occasional announcements from God? That kind of thing?”

  When Jamie put it that way, it did seem pretty lame. Like I’d been expecting a cartoon.

  Suddenly, Nikki appeared sitting next to Jamie on the same branch. Which kind of freaked me out since, technically, it was impossible for her to instantly materialize there that way. “So, what was supposed to happen when you got to heaven?” she said.

  “I’m curious too,” a girl said from somewhere above me. “It’s always so interesting to hear what people expected.” Whoever she was, she sounded young.

  “Don’t pressure the bloke so much,” a guy with an English accent said from somewhere below. “After all, we’ve got plenty of time. What’s it been now? Years? Decades? I keep losing count. By the way, is anyone else getting hungry?”

  Both Jamie and Nikki looked down and said, “Shut up, Simon!” at the same time.

  If things had been different, it probably would have been funny. But Nikki had resumed staring at me and I got the feeling she was running out of patience.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I guess you stay there. Learn stuff. Be happy?”

  Nikki squinted at me like I’d just said something idiotic. “Forever? End of story?”

  I didn’t know what else to say, so I shrugged. “I guess so.”

  “I see you’ve given this a lot of thought,” Nikki said. Then she pushed me out of the tree.

  ~~~

  I can’t tell you how long it took me to fall, although it felt like forever. I just kept screaming and falling, too terrified to realize that falling out of a tree—well, technically, getting shoved out of tree—couldn’t really do anything to me. To be fair, I had just finished drowning a little while ago, so it wasn’t all that easy to think clearly. Definitely, not a good day so far. But after a while it finally dawned on me that I wasn’t really falling—I just thought I was falling. Nikki and Jamie kept peering down at me and they weren’t getting any smaller. I could see the top of the tree and the gray clouds above. They weren’t going anywhere either.

  So, I stopped screaming. For one moment, I remained suspended there in mid-air. Then I started to rise upward again, as if by just thinking about it I could bring myself back to where I’d been sitting. This too was impossible, I knew, but a moment later I was facing Jamie and Nikki again.

  Nikki smirked at me. “So, how did that compare to drowning?”

  “Are you freaking crazy? I could have just—” I stopped, in that moment starting to accept the truth.

  Nikki raised an eyebrow. “Just trying to make a point, that’s all.”

  “Okay, sure. Got it. I’m dead. That’s what you’re trying to tell me, right?”

  Nikki shook her head impatiently and glanced at Jamie.

  “Dude,” Jamie said, “stop saying that. You’re not exactly making friends here.”

  I looked around again but still didn’t catch a glimpse of either Simon or the girl who’d spoken before. There was just me, Jamie and Nikki, the lush branches of the tree and the gray sky above.

  “Repeat after me,” Jamie said. “I’m now between lives.”

  I couldn’t help notice his T-shirt had changed again. Psychedelic Furs, another band I’d never heard of.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not dead, you’re right. But forget that whole ‘between lives’ deal. I’m totally dreaming you. I must be.” I closed my eyes and sighed. “I’m just going to chill and have a different dream. When I wake up again, I’ll be home. Back in my yard, in the hammock.”

  It wasn’t easy but I forced myself to lay back against the branch. But I was right, I didn’t feel the branch at all. In fact, it felt just like our hammock at home. There was even a warm summer breeze blowing past.

  To calm down, I thought about the drafting table I was hoping to get for my birthday. I’d always liked to draw and my parents were supportive of that sort of thing so I figured I had a pretty good chance, even if it was kind of a big gift to ask for (honestly, I think they were just happy when I wasn’t playing video games). Lately, I’d been thinking about maybe going into illustrating and graphic design someday. There was a pretty good art program at the high school, so maybe that would be a good place to start. Who knows, maybe I’d even get into art school for college. The way I saw it, there was a lot to look forward to. All I had to do was wake up again.

  “Yeah, home,” I whispered. “I’ll wake up and be home.”

  “I thought you didn’t like your home,” Nikki said. Apparently, she’d decided to remain in my dream.

  I didn’t answer her. Instead, I concentrated on the future I’d just been imagining.

  “Hey, Aquaman. Talking to you.”

  “Still dreaming,” I whispered.

  “If you liked your home so much, why did you kill yourself?”

  My attempted dream about an artistic future vanished, which left me in a giant tree under a gray sky. I sat up and looked at Nikki. “What the—wait, what?”

  Nikki snapped a cone from a branch and whipped it at me. It hit me in the forehead, but at the same time didn’t. At least I didn’t feel it.

  “Cut the crap and answer the question,” Nikki said.

  I did my best to keep looking into her fierce eyes. “I didn’t kill myself. I drowned.”

  “Okay, sure, like no one ever drowned deliberately. You’re not fooling anyone.”

  “What are you talking about? No one would ever do that on purpose. It’s freaking horrible!” I tried not to think about that moment
when my foot got stuck between those rocks, the terror and panic I’d felt as the rapids had dragged me under.

  “Yes, people would do that on purpose,” Nikki said. “Obviously, you’re one of those people. So, stop lying.”

  When I’d imagined it impossible for this day to get any worse, suddenly it had taken yet another turn south. “I’m not lying.”

  Nikki sighed. “Jamie, try talking some sense into our new friend here. I’m getting this close to asking Martha to Banish him. No joke.”

  “Try to relax,” Jamie said. “Henry just got here. He’s still adjusting.”

  Nikki gazed out at the clouds. “Also, tell him we like sunny skies.”

  Jamie looked at me. “Actually, this weather is kind of depressing. If it’s okay, we’d like to change it back again.”

  All I could do was stare back at him.

  Jamie shrugged. “Never mind. We’ll get to that soon. What Nikki’s trying to say is that you really do have to face what you did. She could have been more diplomatic, definitely. But, dude, it really was obvious you committed suicide. Why did you do that?”

  2

  Life in Technicolor

  It seemed like Nikki was still kind of pissed off, but not pissed off enough to go away. She just popped her earbuds in again and turned her back to us. Which made me start to wonder: If this was some sort of afterlife, were we allowed to leave this tree? Maybe Nikki just couldn’t get down. I’d heard of eternal fire but never eternal fir trees. Had we maybe done something collectively to rile nature? Nothing came to mind, although I guess I could have been better about recycling.

  Either way, I didn’t have any more time to think about it before Jamie rolled his eyes at Nikki’s turned back and waved me closer. “Let me explain,” he said, his voice lowered.

  I leaned in to hear. “Explain what?”

  “The first step,” Jamie said, “involves recognizing that you’ve moved on and accepting how you Transitioned. We’ve learned that if you don’t, things remain really crappy. And not just for you. It affects all of us.”