Tales from the Secret Footballer

by Anon, Anon

  and footballers’ wives 1

  Chevrolet 1

  Chewits 1

  China 1

  Clattenburg, Mark 1

  club duties 1

  coaching 1

  functions 1

  phases of play 1

  small-sided games 1

  Cobain, Kurt 1

  cocaine 1

  cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) 1

  cricket 1, 2

  Crouch, Peter 1

  D

  darts 1

  Dawkins, Richard 1

  Dawson, Michael 1

  Derby County FC 1, 2

  DHL 1

  Di Canio, Paolo 1

  directional app 1

  see also technological aids

  directors of football 1

  Drogba, Didier 1

  drugs 1

  cocaine 1

  ecstasy 1

  ketamine 1

  methadone 1

  Rohypnol 1, 2

  TSF’s Guardian columns about 1

  Viagra 1

  Dyer, Danny 1

  E

  ecstasy 1

  as aid for depression 1

  hallucinatory qualities of 1

  entanglement, see quantum mechanics

  Evra, Patrice 1, 2

  Ewanick, Joel 1

  F

  Facebook 1, 2

  see also Twitter

  fans, and players’ pay 1

  Ferdinand, Anton 1

  Ferdinand, Rio 1

  Fever Pitch 1

  FIFA Club World Cup,

  Barcelona win 1

  football:

  and agents 1

  and club duties 1

  and coaching 1

  and drugs 1, 2

  and fans 1

  and perks 1

  and racism 1

  and technological aids 1

  and testimonials 1

  and TSF’s son 1

  and warming up 1

  Football Association (FA):

  and coaching courses 1

  National Football Centre of 1

  and zones 1

  Forbes 1

  “45 Mercy Street” 1

  Fowler, Robbie 1

  freebies, see perks

  G

  Gabriel, Peter 1

  Gallagher, Liam 1

  Gascoigne, Paul “Gazza” 1

  career-threatening injury to 1

  dreadlocks hairdo of 1

  and paparazzi 1

  stolen-car prank of 1

  God, belief in 1

  golf 1, 2

  and jamhead 1

  Google Glass 1

  Guardian, on drugs in football 1

  Guardiola, Pep 1

  H

  Hamilton, Lewis, father of 1

  Hansen, Alan 1, 2

  heart monitors 1

  heat-seeking devices 1

  see also technological aids

  Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs (HMRC) 1, 2

  High Windows (Larkin) 1

  HMRC 1, 2

  Hull City FC 1

  I

  I Am the Secret Footballer (The Secret Footballer) 1, 2, 3

  Ibrahimovic, Zlatan 1

  Instagram 1

  Inzaghi, Filippo 1, 2

  “Isabelle” 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  J

  jamhead 1

  Jefferson Airplane 1, 2

  Judge Jules 1

  K

  Kasabian 1

  ketamine 1

  Kick it Out 1

  Kumin, Maxine 1

  L

  Larkin, Philip 1

  Lennon, Aaron 1

  Liverpool FC 1

  M

  McGeady, Aiden 1

  management 1

  Manchester City FC 1, 2

  Manchester United FC 1

  Chevrolet deal of 1

  DHL deal of 1

  Forbes rating of 1

  Nike deal of 1

  overall income of 1

  rise in matchday revenue at 1

  Mancini, Roberto 1

  Match of the Day 1, 2

  MDMA, see ecstasy

  mechanics, quantum 1, 2

  “Mercy Street” 1

  methadone 1

  Middle East 1

  Mikel, John Obi 1

  Milan, AC, and Spurs 1

  Milton Keynes Dons FC, and players’ ages 1

  Ministry of Sound 1, 2

  mirtazapine 1

  Modrić, Luka 1

  monitoring system 1

  see also technological aids

  N

  National Football Centre 1

  Nike 1

  Nottingham Forest FC 1

  O

  O’Sullivan, Ronnie 1

  Ouseley, Lord 1

  P

  paparazzi, and Gascoigne 1

  Pearson, Adam 1, 2

  Pérez, Florentino 1

  perks 1

  physics, quantum 1, 2

  Platini, Michel 1

  Premier League, business’s lucrative links with 1

  professional football:

  and agents 1

  and club duties 1

  and coaching 1

  and drugs 1, 2

  and fans 1

  and perks 1

  and racism 1

  and technological aids 1

  and testimonials 1

  and warming up 1

  Professional Footballers’ Association (PFA) 1, 2

  Q

  quantum mechanics 1, 2

  Queens Park Rangers FC 1

  Quinn, Niall 1

  R

  racism 1

  Ramires 1

  Ras al-Khaimah 1

  Real Madrid 1

  and Bale transfer 1

  disharmony in 1

  Forbes rating of 1

  hotel complex project of 1

  stadium modernisation of 1

  Revenue and Customs (HMRC) 1, 2

  Richards, Viv 1

  Rochdale FC 1

  Rohypnol 1, 2

  Roux, Albert 1

  Russia 1

  S

  St George’s Park, Burton 1

  Samba, Christopher 1

  San Siro 1

  Schrödinger, Erwin 1, 2

  Schrödinger’s Cat 1, 2

  Schrödinger’s Equation 1

  Scotland 1

  Secret Footballer:

  Abu Dhabi TV columns by 1

  arrest of 1

  and atheism 1

  becomes reclusive 1

  bottles thrown at 1

  charity choice of 1

  club owes money to 1, 2

  and coaching 1

  and depression 1, 2, 3

  and drugs 1

  father of 1

  first book of, see I Am the Secret Footballer

  and golf 1

  hallucinations witnessed by 1

  and HMRC 1, 2

  knee injury of 1

  knife threat to 1

  pallbearer duty of 1

  and perks 1

  and physics 1;

  see also quantum mechanics

  at San Siro 1

  and son’s illness 1

  sons of 1, 2, 3

  wife of, see Secret Footballer, Mrs

  Secret Footballer, Mrs 1

  charity choice of 1

  and father’s death 1

  and son’s illness 1

  and TSF’s depression 1

  Seedorf, Clarence 1

  Sexton, Anne 1, 2

  suicide of 1

  Sinatra’s Bar 1

  Slick, Grace 1

  Smith, Walter 1, 2

  soccer:

  and agents 1

  and club duties 1

  and coaching 1

  and drugs 1, 2

  and fans 1

  and perks 1

  and racism 1

  and technological aids 1

  and testimonials 1

  and warming up 1

  social media: />
  Facebook 1, 2

  Twitter 1, 2

  Spartak Moscow FC 1

  squash 1

  Suárez, Luis 1, 2

  Sunderland AFC 1

  Swansea City FC 1

  T

  taxman, see Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs

  Taylor, Gordon 1

  Taylor, Phil 1

  technological aids 1

  anti-gravity treadmill 1

  bone testing 1

  directional app 1

  heat-seeking devices 1

  monitoring heart rate 1

  monitoring system 1

  and understanding brain 1

  tennis 1

  Terry, John 1

  testimonials 1

  Thomas, Michael 1

  Tommasi, Damiano 1, 2

  Tottenham Hotspur FC:

  and Bale transfer 1

  at San Siro 1

  Tour de France 1

  Twitter 1, 2

  see also Facebook

  U

  “U Don’t Know Me” 1

  V

  Van Helden, Armand 1

  Viagra 1

  Vilanova, Tito 1

  W

  warming up 1

  Wenger, Arsène 1

  West Ham United FC 1

  What Is Life? (Schrödinger) 1

  “White Rabbit” 1, 2, 3

  Williams, Kenneth 1

  World Cup, Italy, 1990 1;

  see also FIFA Club World Cup

  Y

  Yeovil Town FC 1

  Yepes, Mario 1

  Z

  Zambrotta, Gianluca 1

  HAVE YOU READ…

  I AM THE SECRET FOOTBALLER

  Lifting the Lid on the Beautiful Game

  The Sunday Times bestseller and FT sports book of the year

  “A recklessly honest read that pairs guilty pleasure gossip with a moral compass.” Loaded

  Who is The Secret Footballer? Only a few people know the true identity of the man inside the game. But whoever he is – and whoever he plays for – he is always honest, fearless and opinionated. Here he reveals everything you need to know about the hidden world of professional football, and what it’s really like to do the job that most of us can only dream of.

  Out now in paperback. £7.99.

  About the Author

  Who is The Secret Footballer? Only a few people know the true identity of the man inside the game. But whoever he is – and whoever he plays for – he is always honest, fearless and opinionated. Here he reveals everything you need to know about the hidden world of professional football, and what it’s really like to do the job that most of us can only dream of.

  Copyright

  First published in 2013 by Guardian Books, Kings Place,

  90 York Way, London N1 9GU and Faber and Faber Ltd,

  Bloomsbury House, 74–77 Great Russell Street,

  London WC1B 3DA

  This ebook edition first published in 2013

  All rights reserved

  © The Secret Footballer, 2013

  Maggie’s Farm lyrics © 1965 Warner Bros Inc; renewed 1993 by Special Rider Music.

  The columns “Down the rabbit hole” and “Shades of grey” were first published by CNN.com.

  Cover images: © Yutaka Mizutani/Aflo/Corbis (stadium)

  © Shutterstock.com/Sergey Peterman (shirt)

  The right of The Secret Footballer to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

  This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly

  ISBN 978–1–783–350094