I Walked With Her

by Lisa Barrington

  "Getting to know one another a bit over coffee, I came to find out Lindsay just so happens to be bisexual. I may have shown her your picture. I told her a little about us. No! Jesus! Don’t stop!"

  "You're not making this easy on me right now Max! You told her what about us?” With that, Ben turns us on the couch. Placing my back against the arm of the couch as he holds my legs around him. He doesn't leave deep within me. "How much do you want me Max? Are you ready for me to finish this for us?"

  I whisper back, breathless, "I want you...I need you too. Ben...please."

  With that Ben moves one of my arms above my head and balances himself on the side of the couch with his other hand and his knee on the cushion. I am taken. Done. It is these exact moments I let go of all control. My control. My existence. The dominant does become the submissive. Only with him. I am the only one who is aware of this. Ben moves in a fast rhythm back n forth. His thrusts hard and deep. I circle my hips beneath him as I dig my hand into his back.

  I cannot, well more so I never care to even try with others. But Ben, he is the only person capable of making me have a "true orgasm". When I refer to a “true orgasm”, My God, he releases everything within me. My climax seriously ignites every single nerve within me. From my mind to my core. It scares me and thrills me beyond words every time. Everyone else, well it is strictly between my legs. No finding God with anyone else.

  Ben always asks me if I want him every time. It feels defiant on his behalf. His moment to feel some control because this is all I allow. Fucking. We only fuck. When he asks me, it is a moment when I wonder. Will he ever say no to me, after I do say yes?

  Ben is lust and he is love. Though love, what does it mean? He is my salvation. I have never shared this with him, nor shall I ever. I will never risk losing what we have, regardless of how I try to present it as perfect. This is far from perfect? Though again, what the hell does perfect really mean? I give him full reign to fall in love with anyone. The only man I love. The only man I trust. I really am clinically insane. I have no choice but to simply be grateful for what we have. I will always live with how we are. He is my best friend who I get to fuck. It is more than most people have.

  My mind never rests.

  Sexually, I am exceptionally vocal with Ben. I do allow my physical pleasure to escape through my moans and screams. I want him to know how he pleases me. I am silent with everyone else. When it comes to climaxing, I never give anyone else any such satisfaction. Everyone else is a game of chess.

  Ben moves more aggressively. He knows me better than I know myself. He will finish this fulfilling the lust that lay between us. Now I need to tell him.

  "Ben, Lindsay will be here later. She wants us both. Fuck! No, don't stop!"

  "What?"

  My declaration pushes Ben to his limit. I pull for him deeper, completely lost in desire. Pleasure. My body moves rapidly against his as my eyes close. With that Ben climaxes. His release causes me to erupt around him. I am coming so intensely I only know to scream and hold him tighter. It drains all of me. I am exhausted and exhilarated at the same time. Waves rush over me. Heat flows through my body as I tremble. My mind light headed. Complete euphoria. It is finished.

  The sexual intensity I only feel with him blows my mind every time as if it were the first time. Some moments I actually do want to show him more. Emotionally. I can't. I will never. As far as he knows, we fuck. I am incapable of connecting on any other level in his eyes.

  Ben falls on me. The weight of his body on mine causes every goose bump to rise. He is butterflies. He is safety. He is everything. I must pull myself back and make light of what I feel or I may cry. We are never to be more. I allow the mask to reappear.

  "Ben, honestly, you are amazing. Do you know that? My legs are still shaking. No one fucks me like you."

  “Yes, I'm some sex God. You, my friend need your dosages upped with that mindset. One day you will realize, “fucking” is not everything Max. You should be saying no one fucks like you do. Not me. Do not mistake, it is quite amazing. I do love every moment of it, but that is all you see. It is all you are. Now, please back up. Let me be certain of what I think I heard you say?”

  Ben now leans up on both arms. He has not left me as we continue to talk. I am happy he has not moved. I can see in his eyes. I need to see his expression. I listen to him without saying a word till he finishes.

  “You would like me to understand, you have a woman, whom you find exceptionally beautiful, who is bisexual, coming here, basically for a threesome? Our home? Tonight?"

  My turn. "Yup. That pretty much sums it up. I wanted you first. What can I say? I am selfish. You know how I feel having you bare inside me. Later, we stick to our rule. Look, we are always together before you leave. Now, we will be together twice tonight and with a little added something.”

  “We have a rule for this? What would that be? We have never done this before. And you consider this, "a little added something”. For once, I am afraid to ask if you have not done this before. I know there are many things I do not know.” Ben runs his hands through his hair as he finally leaves me to sit beside me. He pauses. His expression seems to reflect an air of awe, thrill and a slight look of concern. It is the hint of the last that runs a chill up my spin. "I really need to get to my meeting. You're for real?"

  "Quite. In regards to your somewhat rhetorical question, I have not engaged in a threesome before. Well, not with a man and woman, but that is unimportant at this point. As for our “rule”, it is the same as when either of us has another lover."

  "I am not exactly certain what to feel at this particular moment. Confused by you slightly. Aroused also does sum up a large portion." Ben turns his head to me now. Looking back directly at me completely bare beside him. "Well the first thought that comes to my head besides your insanity, I want to watch the two of you alone. You had to answer my somewhat rhetorical question? Seriously you are fucked up Max. Seriously fucked up. What else don’t I know? No wait please don't answer that. I may need to go upstairs after the meeting and steal holy water for you.”

  "Wise ass. You really want to watch first?"

  “Absolutely! Max, your control issues alone should make it the most entertaining. Forget enticing, that goes without saying. The idea of watching you take someone else, other than myself. That is not approaching the fact that, that someone will be a woman. I will use one of your favorite expressions. That is brilliant.”

  I grab Ben by the neck pulling him to me for one more kiss. My anxiety is surfacing. I must maintain my control. I must. I then whisper as I press our foreheads against one another. "Olive juice Benjamin.”

  Ben responds in a small whisper as he lifts his head and kisses my forehead.” Forever olive juice Mackenzie. Forever."

  What is it about being kissed on the forehead that is absolutely better than fucking? I have yet to really understand. What I do feel is safety. Innocent.

  We let one another go. He gets up and walks away to shower all while running his hand through his hair. I can see his smile even with his back now to me. I am pleased. Now, I need to prepare. Prepare my mind. I think of his last words, “Forever olive juice Mackenzie. Forever”. Forever. I try then to mute my mind because inside I do not believe in forever's. I barely believe in now's.

  I lean over and pick my robe up from the floor. I place it over me like a blanket. I listen closely for the shower to begin. I turn and place my face in the cushion of the couch and curl up in a ball. I think of music. Music soothes the beast within me. Music helps me get through my madness. I close my eyes tight as I pull my robe closer to my neck. He fills me, yet I hate myself. I let Natasha Bedingfield sing, “Wild Horses”. That is what I most desire. I listen to the melody and lyrics I know by heart in my head. I listen to the sound of Ben shower. I do not move until I hear them stop in unison.

  The silence that follows forces a reality of who I really am. Sadness seeps back in. I get up and place my robe on. I tie it tight at my waist. I take th
e dishes to the sink. I need to shower myself, yet again. How twisted is it that I love the feel of him linger within me? I am twisted. He is my best friend. I keep so much from him. More than anyone shall ever know. We all have secrets. Some of us have more than others. Some of us have secrets we keep to save the ones we love. Some of us have secrets to save ourselves. Some of us have secrets because they have the power to destroy. I have secrets because of them all. I am a vault. A vault I shall stay. I threw away the key a lifetime ago.

  Ben and I do have an agreement, more of a commitment. Yes, “commitment”, twisted one’s such as myself do still believe in such ideals. As long as we are sexually involved with one another, we must practice safe sex with anyone else. This is a huge for me. It is the most difficult thing I have ever asked of him. Considering my limitless agreement, he may love any other, it is a lot in my eyes. It is a significant request. In my heart, my body is only his. Everyone else, they are simply pawns in my games. Chess. The products of my psychological deficiencies constantly present within me. A cripple of sorts I most certainly am. If only I was the song still free flowing like a memory in the back of my mind now. If only I could run with the wild horses. If only I could be free from myself.

  Chapter Two

  The doorbell rings. It is exactly 9:17 p.m. I already received the call from our doorman, to send Lindsay up. The time is here. Ben is not back from his AA meeting. I am oddly a little nervous. Part of me wonders, do we leave money on the nightstand? I have been in one or two "colorful", we will call them, situations, but what have I gotten Ben into with me? Ben. My Ben.

  Lindsay did not project any promiscuous vibe. I certainly do not equate being bisexual as a sexual freedom. One indicating one will fuck anyone, anytime or situation. I usually can detect a one-night stand possibility with a man within his first sentence. Lindsay, not only did she continue to strike my own curiosity, she is satisfying a need. I did not see within her; this would actually happen tonight. I was quite confidant I was going to get her here, but I thought I would have to work a little harder for this. Shit, how did I get us here from coffee? I am better than I realize. Fuck, I am twisted. Truly twisted.

  I run my hands through my hair as I answer the door. “Lindsay, hi. How are you?”

  "Good. Quite the building. Really beautiful Max.” She replies as she peeks in the door.

  “Thank you. It was quite the find. We love it.”

  For a moment, we continue to stand at my front door. It is, as if we are taking one another in again. She is gorgeous. I cannot even try to deny it. Let the games begin.

  "Please, come in, sit down. You have been working all day, you must be exhausted.”

  I lead Lindsay past the kitchen to the den. I sit down, in my corner. She sits down beside me. She is still looking around, taking in the entire apartment. She looks to be analyzing possibly who we really are.

  She stops and turns to me. “I am good. Not tired at all. I am a bit of a night owl. Besides, I snuck out early. Seriously, this place is unbelievable. My God, these windows. I have a studio downtown. It is nothing like this. Even the kitchen, I love it. You are so eclectic. I love the decor."

  “That is sweet. Thank you. I like to find odd things. To me, the odder they are, the better things fit together. I have to ask. Please do not get me wrong, you looked beautiful earlier today, but you look stunning right now. I can’t place my finger on what is different.”

  “Thanks. When I ran home and ate, I jumped in a quick shower. I decided against putting makeup back on. Ironic I suppose, considering makeup is sort of my world. I don’t know. I felt so comfortable with you today. I didn’t feel like doing the whole, try so hard thing. I came as just me. Does that make sense?"

  My head is already almost swirling with envy and a bit of judgment as I respond myself. "Yes I think it does. Lindsay, natural truly suits you. As you can see, Ben is not here. He had to run an errand. He should be home anytime now. I know I mentioned he leaves in the morning for the "good life" for a few weeks."

  I am glad we begin moving away from the whole, natural beauty thing. God she is flawless. Okay maybe I slightly hate her.

  "Yes you told me. So he is gone for weeks at a time? Then is here for a bit and back out? What does he do for a living?"

  “Ben is a Captain for a private luxury yacht company. Interesting lifestyle to say the least. You could say, sort of the perfect roommate also. I miss him when he is gone and I am ready for him to leave when he is here too long. Honestly, he is incredible." I look away for a moment as I lower my tone. "Extraordinary actually. He is the biggest blessing in my life. Has been for as long as I can remember." I return to look at her as I continue. "He has a gentle soul. An old soul. He is so easygoing. Much more laid back than I am. We balance one another. It is nice. And of course, as I described to you earlier, our fringe benefits certainly make it even nicer. Christ, where are my manners. I'm a fucken awful host. Can I get you something to drink? Hope you don't mind but we are alcohol free here. We do have virtually everything else. What would you like?"

  I get up, walking past Lindsay I retreat to the kitchen. That was getting a bit more than I would ever say. Damn her! She smells incredible too. Fuck. No make-up and she naturally smells like a fucken rose garden. Jesus, I need to step this shit up! I, myself did not go crazy. However, I did put some effort into looking good for this.

  "I would love something. Whatever you are having is fine. Wow. Alcohol free? I like you guys even more now. I am actually newly sober. Almost a year. Get my one-year coin in exactly twenty-three days. It is so awkward turning down a cocktail with people. Everyone usually asks me why. I am asked a lot, “Are you pregnant?” I say no, and then there is that silence. Like what if I just didn't like the taste of it. Though God that would be nice." She turns back around. It may be the expression on my face. No judgement from me, but...

  She continues, "Sorry. I usually do not share that right away. Just came right out with it, didn't I? "

  No fucking way? Well, I need to keep moving this along. Here, it continues. Come on Meryl Streep time to possess my body. I call on your spirit!

  "I find your honesty refreshing. Congratulations. Don't be silly. I am glad you feel so comfortable so quickly and you are able to share it with me. It is an amazing accomplishment. As for other people, you shouldn't give a fuck what other people think. 'Be grateful for your struggles, for without them you would never know your strength'. I can never recall where I heard that quote but I adhere to it myself often. How about coffee? Too repetitive?"

  Jesus, she is honest, hot, all natural and in fucking AA? And! She is clearly a good three inches taller than I am! No way is Ben going to hear the whole newly "sober" part! Oh Christ no! Alcoholics have almost a secret society. It is not really AA; I think they all be a part of the Illumniati! Look, I am not judging, but I have my issues and it still doesn't compare to the brother and sisterhood, the anonymity of AA. Really? I mean really! Brilliant really. Great choice Max. Oh, I am going to be in rare form tonight. Bring it on!

  Through our bar area, I can see Lindsay turn back toward the kitchen. "Coffee sounds perfect. I cannot stop wondering. What must you think of me accepting and wanting to come here tonight? You obviously do not know me well enough, but this is out of character of me. I felt this immediate connection with you. I hope that is not saying too much, again. The relationship you describe you have with Ben, I don't know, it really makes me more curious. It is intriguing and a bit arousing at the same time. I didn’t really think relationships like you have exist, much less work."

  I walk back into the den. Lindsay follows me the whole way with her eyes. She turns toward me as I place her coffee in front of her. I return to my corner of the couch. I can hear them read the nominee's for the Oscar now. It is my turn for a little honesty. Honesty; that is another questionable odd word in my vocabulary. Nothing I do is without intent. Honesty is supposed to be personal. I have missions. Goals. For her, and all purposes at this time, we will cal
l it honesty.

  "Lindsay, if I remember right, you took it black today?"

  “Nice you remember.”

  "Ben and I are friends. Yes, we have a different type of friendship. It definitely does exist and work. Being completely honest, I went hoping to see you today. You sparked my curiosity when we first met. Embarrassingly enough, you made me squirm in my seat that day. You’ve lingered in my mind since. Listening to you today, especially how open you are being is inviting. Not many people are as open about their sexuality. You are alluring. If it is even possible, it makes you even more attractive. You strike a sense of vulnerability within me. I find it very enticing."

  "Seriously? I've always acted on connection. At times, it's been with women and others it's been men. As for you both, with you there is something physical and mental I can't deny. You are different Max. I feel something intense being around you. As for Ben, it doesn't exactly hurt how hot Ben looks in the pic you showed me. It is the way you speak of him, I find myself wondering, if I may feel the same about him. Look, I have no expectations of tonight, despite my own bold reality of being here. I definitely have one or two desires, but no expectations. There is something about your eyes Max. I kind of don't want to look away from you."

  "You certainly are not intimidated by honesty, are you? That was certainly a few thoughts to digest. I feel a certain amount of seduction in all your words. No expectations I will keep that in mind.”

  Lindsay sits back on the couch, this time deeper in the pillows. She crosses her legs and holds the mug up closer to her chin. She looks satisfied. At this moment, all I can do is continue to take her in. She chose the simplest of outfits. It stirs envy in me. I admire her effortless approach. Simple pair of black Converse. She has a cute sleeveless, button down shirtdress. The tattoo sleeve, I force myself to look away. That stirs parts of me, I must look away from. She has a red bandana tied in her hair like a headband. She is definitely a bit retro. If I did have a “type” she is it. Her hair jet black, the way it flows straight down along her neck over her shoulders. God, the black of her hair against the color of her huge eyes. Her eyes, Jesus now I understand, that old song, "Brown Eyed Girl”. Never did get that song before. Now it makes complete sense. Suddenly I feel this cliché’ may not be so ridiculous. This may be fun. She is far from innocent. She is here. I drink my coffee as I let a smile cross my lips. She is not going to be able to avoid my web. The conversation continues, and thoughts of what are to come consume me more. 'Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly'.