I hear Ben move. I can hear as silent as it is, him run his hands through his hair. It is then I finally look at him. “Ben, finish her. Do this for her. For me.” I look back to Lindsay. “I can see how much you want him too. All you have to do is say yes.”
She looks at me, then Ben. She is pleased and hungry for my proposition. She nods, yes in return. She appears breathless from her own performance. I look back at Ben and I smile wickedly. Welcome to my other world Ben.
Lindsay stands and spreads her legs as she bows down resuming her desire to drink every ounce of the center of my lust. I continue to watch Ben. My mind wanders.
Will this change us in his mind? Ben knows me so well, better than anyone else does. I am grateful to see excitement within him. How hard and eager he is. This all for you. My only.
Bent over me, Lindsay’s face buried deep in me. I am short of breath. She is making this difficult. She is skilled. She is pleasing. Ben watching is mesmerizing. I must let go soon. Ben moves from beside my bed and approaches us both. He is staying within our rules. He can see all of us both. I pass the control to him. He does not realize that I have. Here I lay beneath them both.
This is all for him. I grab at the sheets my body is taking over. She swirls and sucks with wild attack. My back arches. “Fuck her Ben. Now!"
This I mean. This is sincere. I stare at him only. I search for his eyes. My body begins to win. "Ben, please.” I mouth to him as he only looks at me. It is then I close my eyes. I do not want to watch any longer.
I begin to lose. Fuck, if it doesn’t feel amazing at the same time. Wow. God Bless. She is that good. Three points Lindsay.
She moves on me now, different than I have felt before. Of course, a woman knows a woman’s body better than a man does. God damn me, for forgetting. She moves her tongue from me and alternates that, by then pressing down hard on my pelvis with one hand as she massages exactly the right spot within me. My moans are my game, though in truth right now, slightly hard to contain. They are pleasure I am choosing to give in too. It is then I feel us all move.
She moves up causing me a reflex not desire to open my eyes again. Ben is lifting her hips. I see him. He finds her. He gently submerges himself within her walls she herself desires. She moans into me. His incredible naked body is exposed. I now feel his legs between mine. She moans again deep into my belly. Ben moves hard in and out of her.
He begins a flow of motion sending the three of us into separate worlds. Lindsay lifts her head completely now. She seems overcome with the need for the air to breathe. She continues the torment she is drowning me in. So fast and then slow. I grind hard on her. Ben stares at me as he moves faster, harder. I feel her change in me. Her fingers twist and turn.
Her moans of pleasure kill me. What have I done? Will we ever be the same? I do not leave Ben’s eyes. I speak without words. "Please Ben, finish this."
I am done. My orgasm is intense. Though like usual it never reaches above my navel. It rests in my sex not my mind. I haven't closed my eyes again. I stare straight at Ben. Lindsay's head is now down resting on my hip. She is still eloquently moving with each contraction of the muscles within me. I tighten harder around her fingers. Her moans are deafening within the four walls of my room.
Suddenly she moans louder than before and leaves my inner sex. She grabs my hips to a blood drawing squeeze. Her head is resting on my pelvis. My legs still beneath them both. I search Ben's expression. He looks down. Ben no longer looks back at me. He closes his eyes. He leaves me. I realize he does not want me to see his pleasure within someone else. Ben lets out the deepest moan. I have watched him come so many times before. This expression is different. This one is intense. Lindsay screams out one final piercing scream. Ben is then still. I lay beneath them both. Paralyzed.
Oh my God. They came together.
He is able to do that with someone other than me? I thought it was only us. Together? They came together? Together? Suddenly, I want to weep. My pleasure ended minutes ago. I am again alone in the presence of others.
Lindsay now leans over and rests her head on my breasts as she wraps her arms around my waist. Ben pulls out of her, almost in a stumble back to the chair. She climbs further on my bed. She lays her body down beside me. I feel nothing.
We are all quiet. Part of me hopes this is over. The question no longer is, can Lindsay handle me, can she handle more? The question is, can I? Will I ever again block the vision of seeing his eyes leave mine? How intense I did orgasm whether it reached my mind or not. How far I allowed her to take me there, confuses me. I close my eyes. What have I truly done? I want to weep. I am certain I pushed too far. Pushed myself too far. I am not the same woman with Ben present. No matter how hard I tried. I lose control in his presence. I was not the lion, though nor was she. Yet still a lion devoured me in my own den. Ben is my lion. The den is my heart when it comes to him.
I can feel now. The mirage appears, though the feeling quite real. A black crow lands on my windowsill. He looks left and then right. I am not only manic; I am rapid cycling.
Tonight, is far from being over.
Chapter Four
It is some time before we all move. It is only when Ben speaks the silence is broken.
"I need something to drink. Anyone?"
Lindsay and I each raise a hand. I hear Ben get up and leave. I have not yet opened my eyes. I feel too much confusion. I feel fear. I feel pain from deep within.
Lindsay lifts her head as she crosses her arms, resting her them on my belly. She questions, "Hey, you still in there? You good?"
I open my eyes. I do not show emotion. Cement. I do not allow expression, except one of control. I sometimes allow lovers to feel as though they have a sense of accomplishment. In the event, I do wish to return to them for a second time. I do not wish for her to return. She now poses at this moment a trickier game.
She did pleasure me. I do not need to allow her any feeling of accomplishment regarding that. She has it, without any additional expression from me. She won there. I am questioning though if my pleasure and climax originated from the initial voyeurism of the acts. I did successfully make one of Ben’s fantasies a reality.
I reply, "Very good. Thank you. And you?" I lie. I am twisted. Truly. My mind shall battle every word, every action, and every syllable that ever escapes my lips. My actions and feelings do not coincide often. This is never something I expose.
She is so light on me. She still smells like flowers. My mind flows in so many opposite directions at one time. So rapid. I need to concentrate harder to listen to her.
Lindsay turns now resting her cheek against my bare flesh. "I’m feeling as though you turned the table on me. One I left the living room with. Though entering your room, as much as I did try, it was all over for me. You both really have never done this before?"
I pull myself up to rest against my headboard. Lindsay turns on her side as I do. Her hourglass figure, she is pure sex. She is not Victoria Secret, but she is so real, and she is truly undeniably beautiful.
I feel a rush of uncertainty and slight fear. Did I go too far? Did I push her to a place that was not comfortable, but she felt no place to go? My chest begins to hurt. All I must not show. I do need to ease my mind. Did she truly mean, yes? She nodded, she never actually said yes. Oh God my head is beginning to hurt. This possibility is a difficult line for me to imagine to be standing on. There are boundaries, strict beyond comprehension, regarding no and yes. I have my reasons. A beautiful woman here in my home. Jesus! Why is everything a game?
I hate my mind. The chemicals that run through it, the lack there of. There is no balance. There is no fairness. I do not recognize the woman I long to be. I have no true idea who I am suppose to be with others. My behavior this evening is one reflective of mania beyond my means. I use sex. I used her. I feel guilt. I feel shame. Is it because of her or because Ben is here also?
The doubt between us all. My sole, grateful response. "Honestly, we have never."
&nb
sp; Lindsay cocks her head at me. "So let me understand this, again. You both will have sex with one another. You have no issue with each other having other lovers at any point. But, you never shared a lover before?"
"One, yes. Two, we have no issue with other lovers. Third, no we have never shared a lover. Ben has no interest in men. You are the fourth woman I've chosen to be with."
“I feel honored.”
“Lindsay? We didn’t put you in a position that you felt uncomfortable. No wait, I shouldn’t say we. Did I?”
“Seriously?” She pulls herself up and grabs my neck pulling me towards her. She kisses me, leaving wetness on my lips to linger. “Not at all. If I make myself appear as a whore, well, I will need to live with it. As much you may not believe, I have never experienced anything like this. A man and woman together, at the same time. I do have quite the imagination. Honestly, you are a quite fun. Before you, I am the one who calls all the shots. This is memorable. The three of us at once. My imagination has been here before. Now, I can reflect my mind and body have now too.”
I push her hair behind her ear. “Perhaps, you are more like me than you realize.”
Lindsay sits up. She seems quite pleased by my last comment. “Oh, I have intentions of evening the playing field. I may be aware now, this is your room, but I do not give up or give in that easy. This is not over. At least, not yet.”
I feel bile rise in my throat. I am not medicated enough. I am not even strung out on caffeine enough. I did think there would very well be more. I had wanted Lindsay to satisfy Ben more. Until that is...
My plan was not to witness it further after directing it. Lindsay is proving to have more a plan of her own. I am more a man. If someone can make me come that hard, I would prefer to roll over and sleep. You know where the door is. Find it.
“Before you and I settle up. I would like something different.” Lindsay continues.
“Something different? What would that be?” I can only think to myself, this should be good.
“I want to watch how you and Ben make love."
I look back. Good God, let me hide my emotions and maintain this control. I try laughing as I reply. Now I wonder. Does mental illness live within her also? Maybe during her orgasm, she lost too much oxygen to her brain? "What? No. You have Ben and me wrong. We don’t-"
I am saved, as I begin to speak. Ben walks in balancing three glasses and a pitcher. Naked, it is a site. I mean really, quite a site. If he never wore clothes again, I'd be content. It lifts me away from this conversation.
"I made us a little Arnold Palmer. One can’t argue with a classic. Ice tea/lemonade. Shots of vodka might be slightly more appropriate at this time, but we will have to make do."
I immediately jump in, looking at Lindsay rather than Ben. I cannot let this conversation begin between the two of them. Oh, no!
"Actually it sounds like a perfect choice to me. I am sure Lindsay is good with this. Aren’t you?"
“Sounds good to me.” Lindsay replies.
Seems I avoided that fire becoming a wild one. Third wheel I am not. Ben never views me as an addict, even though in truth I am not so different from him. I will become invisible if that conversation was to begin. Alcoholics, no offense of anything but they are just a secret society with their anonymity even though they see the same faces all the time, I honestly wonder if it is not a little Illuminati business going on the basements of the churches.
I need to lighten the air, divert the conversation further. I look to Ben and assert my sarcasm. "Dare I ask, how you mixed it?"
Ben shoots me back a look. I know he wants to laugh, but he will not allow himself at this moment. He is fully aware if he does, he and I will begin a banter that could change the dynamics of the situation.
He decides on a two-word response. One to dismiss me quickly. I do not mind. I have said what I chose. "You wish."
Lindsay laughs as she begins to sit up. Ben hands her a glass. He turns back for his and mine. He hands me it to motioning with his eyes.
"Move your ass over and make some room for me, love?"
I scoot over and Lindsay does too, giving Ben enough room to climb in bed with us. Oh Jesus, I am in the middle! No. No. No. I don’t do middle. There is no escape in the middle. Okay. I can do this. I made it this far. I can do middle.
What is she thinking? She is going to settle the playing field. Did she learn nothing? Fine you made me come. Yes, it was exceptional. However, who demanded your behavior? Who made you believe you had the upper hand, yet controlled it? I know I lie well, but really. There is no way right now she didn’t see through whole begging part at the end as a complete act? She is not that naive. I controlled her. Period. I was fucked and so was she.
My goodness the minds of the sane. They do not understand the drive of the mentally ill. If she thinks she can take me on mentally again, well then round two! Move my ass over? I will show them both! I will find it in me. I will make her truly beg. If I lose to pleasure, is there truly harm in that? I need to rethink this. She won physically. Period. I am very good person... deep down. However, I am twisted, many a time. The same as life. Twisted. Truly.
"I thought you were sitting over there, love?" I say to Ben.
"No. Now, I'm feeling here is a better place."
"I agree." Lindsay chimes in.
Oh, Fuck. Who am I kidding? They put me, in the middle. Dammit! The pure anxiety I suffer from begins to rush over me. Claustrophobia sets in. My mind races. There are no clear thoughts. This is the wrong. Overdrive.
She wants to watch Ben and I make love? Make love! Did she really say make love? First of all, we do not make love we have sex! We fuck. Second, he and I well, that's private! Okay, so private, private seems wrong, considering. I don't know. It's different. Make love! No. I can’t breathe. I went too far. She is more out of her mind than I am! God damn it! My mania was under complete control. All of my bipolar disorder has been! Fuck!
Lindsay again nudges my side. "Max. You there?"
I snap from my thoughts. Control Max. "Yes, of course. Spaced for a moment."
She reaches over me and touches Ben’s arm as she speaks. "I was just telling Max; how much I would really enjoy watching the both of you make love. I can only imagine what it must be like. I’ve never had a connection with anyone, like I see in you both. The time you must take, the care and affection to every inch of one another. I am aroused thinking how you both, must simply kiss. You are both passionate, yet separately different. I can't imagine it together. It makes all the wonder, seem like there is hope in reality."
"Could you both excuse me for a moment? Nature calls. I'll be right back."
That’s it. I must get out, right this second! Connection? Time we take? Oh for the love of God! I give Ben my glass. He looks in my eyes. He knows. I simply can't. I don't. This is something we never discuss. We accept. This is of secrets he will never know. He accepts me. I look back hoping he hears me somehow. What do I say? I turn and climb out from between them. I quickly seek asylum in my bathroom.
Chapter Five
"Did I say something wrong?" Lindsay moves closer to Ben. She climbs under and pulls my sheets up to cover herself.
"No. In fact, what you said is rather flattering. However, we don't "make love". Well better put, because I do with others, Max does not. Never will. We don't discuss it. She basically, fucks. That's it. I told you Max is different. Our relationship is different." I chug all the liquid from my glass. Where is that vodka hidden in the Arnold Palmer of days gone by? Yes, now would be the right moment.
Lindsay turns her head away. I can see in her eyes as she does mine. Her mind wanders. She questions such statements. She then looks back to me. "I don't understand. Has she ever made love?"
"I honestly don't know. If she has, it was never with me. Well, not as adults. We dated lifetimes ago. God we were kids she was only eighteen. She was different then. This, who she is here are two very separate people. Polar opposites. When we were young, sex with
her was innocent and beautiful. She wanted to feel everything and explore. She was playful and loving, in a way that you never wanted to let her go. She gave me her heart and soul then. Now, I have her friendship and her body. Back then, I was young, very young. Stupid. I had my own issues going on. I was selfish. Overwhelmed. I got into my own troubles. She wanted to stand by me, didn’t care distance or circumstance. Instead, I pushed her out of my life, like a fool. I am grateful everyday she is here again. She never let me go. She found me. She fought for me. There is so much now she will never tell or show. I accept and focus on my gratitude she never did.”
“Wow. How long?” Lindsay turns sideways sitting, moving her long lean legs folded beside her.
“How long what?” I am confused.
“How long have you known one another? When did this all begin? This love story?”
“Lindsay, I do not know if you can call this a love story. It's been twenty-one years since we first met. Lived together now for? Wow, it is little over nine years now. Understand it has taken five of those years to get her to open her eyes and look at me during sex. We simply do not discuss it. This is all things; we simply don’t discuss. We accept."
"Probably because, when you really love someone, you love all of them, their weakness as much as their strengths. Ben are you really both so blind to see? The way you accept one another, is true love. Do you have any idea how many of us only dream of such acceptance?”
I am now silent. I stare down at the empty glass between my fingers. Reflecting how right she is. There is no chance. “I accept this all, because I will never lose her again. That is how we live.”
“May I ask one more question?”
I tap the side of the glass with my fingers. “This is certainly different post sex talk than I am used to. What is it, you still wish to know?”
Lindsay is then quick to ask. “Have you ever wanted to make love to her? That is, since she returned to your life?"
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