Jesus. I run my hand through the top of my hair. The nervous mannerism I cannot control. I think to myself silently who is this woman? I realize I need to reply. She is as inquisitive. She is as relentless Max. "It doesn't really matter. It's not an option."
"What if I made love to you?"
"Wait. You say Max and I are a love story and now you ask what if you made love to me. You are a complicated woman yourself. Well let’s see, you are beautiful, smart, sensitive, and exceptionally sexy. Would I enjoy exploring every inch of you, I have not touched yet? Teasing and working up your passion. Yes. Sex for me, is not solely climax. I love looking into a woman's eyes and seeing what they feel. That's pleasure. However, I would never take my time with you in front of Max. I would enjoy very much making love with you. Simply not here. Absolutely not tonight.”
“So how do you handle all this?" Lindsay asks as she turns toward Ben.
"Handle what? The fucking?"
"Yes."
"She is my best friend. No one can, nor will ever compare to her. I accept her exactly as she needs to be. I never ask more than she can give. Do I wish it were different sometimes? That is simply, not something I allow myself to think about it."
Lindsay leans in and kisses me gently on my cheek. “Are you aware? The kindness and attention in the way you simply accept who Max is, is making her love? True love Ben. You could make love to thousands of women, but I can see in your eyes, no one else shall make you whole. Physically, sure, you can be one with them, but that is your body and mind, not your heart and soul. You and I both know, truly making love isn’t simply making someone else feel special or having an orgasm. It is trust and believing in more than your surroundings. It is your complete body, mind, heart and soul in unison. It is then time stops. Look, I do not doubt the care you take in a woman’s body and all she desires to feel. You don’t let them into your soul. From what I can see, in a very short period, you have the woman who holds your soul. However, you both chose to live. Bottom line, you have each other. Even with grey lines, this is much more than every couple married or simply together, that I know has. I cannot deny I would want to know a hint of it alone, myself.”
I stay silent. Speechless. Lindsay finishes her drink. She rests her head on my shoulder. She seems lost herself in all she too has expressed. Truth is I see envy in her. Truth is, something tells me, she desires a real drink also. Numbness. Twisted. Truly.
Chapter Six
Lindsay finally lifts her head from my shoulder. "She is gone a really long while. Do we check on her?"
"No. There is nothing, Max can't handle. If she is in there this long, there is a reason. She will be out, when she is ready. She will take complete control, yet again. As for your request, it will be as if you never uttered a word.”
Lindsay turns sideways looking directly at me, while still staying under the sheet. “I take it you know this from experience. How?”
“How? Because she is good and somehow she will do something that neither of us will see coming nor even care to recall your request."
"I find that difficult to believe." Lindsay utters as she leans and places her glass on the nightstand before turning back.
"Have you witnessed nothing so far? There is no equality within these four walls. Enjoy this Lindsay. Simply enjoy it and take it for what it is."
"I need, in the least, to settle the playing field. Let’s play a game?"
“Game? Max is quite familiar with that word. I will bite, what game are you looking to play? Understand you have to contend with Max.”
With a bit of exhaustion and determination Lindsay still appears determined. “Trust me, I realize her skill. I may have made her orgasm but she played me. Look at me. Somehow, she got me here from a cup of coffee. Not some drunken stupor of a year before. That state I would have understood there being no hesitation, as I had today. She has us all, in this right now. Trust me, I see it."
"Prior drunken stupor?” With eyes widened, I can’t help to turn to Lindsay with this sudden insight. I knew I was right. She is like me.
“Long story.” Lindsay lays flat on her back and stares at the ceiling. As she does the sheet pulls down resting right where her breasts sit high. She does not care. Her mind seems to be swirling with so many thoughts.
“So you want me to trust you? You're sure you haven't done this before?"
Lindsay sighs before replying. "Seems we all keep questioning this with one another. Believe me. I am as surprised as the both of you.” Immediately she sits up and does not care to cover herself. “Clearly, imagination and fantasy I have. I really would like to get off by giving Max a glimpse of her own reflection."
She then yells. "Max you alright? We are going to start again without you."
“You realize I need not much longer, but a few more minutes. That was intense. Max even made sure she had me earlier also.”
“I do not doubt that she did. She really is good. Ben, she is seriously good.” Lindsay laughs as she moves back and rests against the headboard.
I can’t help but stare at the closed bathroom door. I do not move my gaze. “Don’t let the side you are seeing right now, seem as if this is all of who she is. It is not. She is very different from it. Max. She is…endless. Best word I can use to describe her.”
“I do not at all. A person’s eyes alone tell a story. I was so close to Max’s eyes the first time we met. When I looked in them, they seemed limitless. She is so beautiful, yet there seems a madness as well. I cannot totally figure it out, nor do I feel I am meant to. I do not think anyone could deny this woman. Deny she is more than simply appearance or action. There is something about her. I meet many women in my line of work. The truth is she didn’t need a stitch of makeup that evening. She is like an enigma. I can see how you can use the word endless. I am pretty certain; it was the look in her eyes that got me here.” Lindsay stops for a moment. I feel her watching me as I stare at the bathroom door.
I see in the corner of my eye that she is now staring too. Neither of us can look away. What can be happening behind there? I wonder what madness; what storm is stirring.
Lindsay interrupts my worry. “I really wanted to see more. Feel something more with her. She has a story. It’s a shame she doesn’t seem to want to share it. I am somewhat jealous of you. You will have her tomorrow, and the day after so to speak. This, me? I am once for her. I would have enjoyed a friendship beyond this. It is clear, the way she is with this. The door closes on those who enter here. That is, except for you. As bold of me as it is to say, God I hope you find the slightest crack and break part of her down. You are both so much. I envy this all.”
My stare is broken. There is almost a feeling of anger in me at the truth she sees. A reality I do not wish to realize, but she does. “What makes you think the door isn’t closed for me also? Envy the friendship Lindsay. Most love affairs break hearts, break people for that matter. Envy the friendship.”
Lindsay eyes drop from the door. She looks at me. I am lost as to where to look. She back down under the sheet, lying sideways beside me. She is quiet now. We have shared a lot more than most would think after such a lustful adventure. Finally, I let go of my empty glass. I place it on the dresser. I push back against the Ivory leather headboard. I close my eyes and breathe in deep. I too, need to prepare myself for what is to come next.
I am also in awe of how transparent I feel. Sad for all the truths Lindsay spoke. I search for contentment, stay happy in all that I do have and share with Max. Not asking for more, is what is best for us both, more so for Max. It is then I push this belief to the front of my mind. I know our truth. When you truly love someone, you sacrifice yourself. This is how I will always be for her. Enough.
I will undoubtedly enjoy what is still to come. I can let my body speak alone, as well as Max does. She wanted tonight. She must have her reasons. Whatever her reasons, she wanted me a part of this. The one thing I am certain of, I will never completely understand her. I am not meant to.
> I look at the time on the cable box. My concern grows. Max has been gone longer than I thought she would be. What could be wrong or more disturbing? What does Max have planned next?
Chapter Seven
The Xanax finally, begins to ease into my bloodstream. Trick is, let them dissolve under your tongue. Taste like shit, but works five times faster. I despise this weakness. It diminishes my control. Lindsay can try to toy with me as much as she likes at this moment. Right here and now, this moment is mine. I yell back without hesitation. "Go ahead. I quite enjoyed watching earlier. I'll be out in a moment."
I stay Indian style on my counter top. I rest my head against the cold mirror. What is wrong with me? I mean what is wrong with me. Fuck, bipolar! Two more minutes and I'll be perfectly calm, free of my monkey. Nothing shall intimidate me. I breathe in. Olive juice. I close my eyes. The madness in me slowly quiets. My thoughts begin to return to same rhythm as the beats of my heart. Only thought I cannot suppress, I need Ben. God, I need him. Part of me hates that I need him. However, I know no other way.
I must contain how I feel out there. In here, I need release. Tears fall. I cry silently. Alone. Same as I always do. After, I will bury it again, deep within me. I need now, to let it go. To go on, move forward with this night.
I do not make a sound. I hold one hand over my mouth tightly, as to not allow even a hint of my despair escape me and they possibly hear. I wrap my other arm around my bare waist. I hold myself. Alone. Same as I do, too many times to survive. Hide the secrets that bind me.
I have an obsession. John Hughes. He was a writer and director in the eighties and nineties. His films to this day are superb. Movies that you never grow old of watching. The ones you know every single line and quote whenever fitting. A quite extraordinary legacy for us all.
What was, is, so phenomenal about his films is the music he chose to accompany them. The soundtracks. I wanted them as much as the desire and need to see his movies as many times as I can. I often find myself wondering. If my life could be a film, what song would Mr. Hughes find best fitting? What would his choice be right now, as I sit naked on my bathroom counter weeping? I know which song I would choose. I, my own worst enemy. My mind so wicked. My body I misuse. My truth is not the one I really project. There are reasons, behind my obsession with control. It is not the same, as others would perceive such a need. Control for me, it is my eternal punishment.
Mr. Hughes, I believe you would agree. He would choose, Natalie Merchant, “My Skin”. My secrets. My punishment.
Deep breath. I inhale my tears. Relief settles. Xanax softens the voices of doubt within. The power of addiction. I keep my forehead against the mirror. I must, not want nor need, I must go back now. I started this all. I have no other choice but to finish this.
I wipe my tears. I climb off this escape. I look at myself naked in the mirror. What is being naked, when our flesh hides so many secrets beneath it? For some of us, being naked, is even more of a mask than being clothed.
I wipe my face and apply fresh mascara. I hide any hint of despair. Time to return. Time to drive the sword completely in. To whom, I am no longer entirely certain.
Chapter Eight
I force my worry away. All other thoughts from my mind. Lindsay is right, men who enter here, do not return. This, here for me, this is a onetime deal. This will not return. She has me here. Right now, I am not the same for her as I was earlier. I am now a part of these four walls. A part of her games. The brisk reality strikes. I have two erotic, vivacious women together in one bed. Both hungry for more.
Let them battle over control, play that part alone. I don’t need that. I am not going to sit here and allow further games to play in my own head. I want them. I want them both. That is exactly what I am going to have. I am not done either.
"Well, you heard the lady. Considering, I am certain your plan has no chance of working, I think it is a nice idea "we" start again."
I lean down kissing Lindsay gently on her lips. Lindsay moves up on her hands and reciprocates, with more thirst than before. I stop only long enough to pull her up next to me. With her face in my hands, I kiss her slowly. Tease her with my tongue.
God Dammit. The bathroom door is still closed. I cannot avoid its presence. I find myself genuinely struggling. Kissing her now with all she said does continue to pierce within my mind. Fuck I feel different now. Yes, if only Lindsay was solely who I am thinking of. Here and now. I am not. I am honestly growing concerned. Why isn’t she back?
It is Lindsay’s moans that bring me back to the moment. I try again. I pull her closer, wrapping one arm around her as I put her up on my lap. I push to drown myself, in her neck, her breasts. Lindsay turns herself, wrapping her legs around me.
She then gently pulls back to look in my eyes. "I can feel you want this. I can also feel you really don't want this to be solely me. Seems Max has the best plan for us all. A good fuck. It was incredible. I am already walking away with quite the smile. One way or another. Look, I have a devilish mind too. My game. I will keep it simple. I want you and I to fuck her. You think she would let us?"
Chapter Nine
I hear Ben laugh as I walk out and see Lindsay wrapped around him. I still find ease. I hear the bell ring in my head. Round Two! The power of a good sedative. The sight of them this way, makes me ill, yet sends tingles through me. We aren't done. Euphoria is returning. If he only knew the truth.
"Please continue, never thought, much less considered how much I would enjoy watching."
Ben stares as he speaks. “Max-"
Immediately Lindsay climbs off Ben.” We want you with us.”
Ben continues to search my eyes. I show nothing. I separated myself and this is how I will continue to be. Lindsay begins her approach. I scoot back up onto my dresser for a better view. Lindsay's body, not one ounce is fake. She is real. I envy her. I am not all real. God did not feel I was worth it. A twisted body. A twisted mind. Life has never been fair. My truth again, truly.
Watching her crawl off my bed, I am going to do it to her all over again. It really is that simple. Amazing how we can continue to surprise even ourselves. All we need to do is let our inhibitions down and have motive behind our actions. She stops a foot away from me. An expression spreads across her face, like a kitten purring against one’s leg. I suppose fitting for her, she is proving to be exceptional pussy. My euphoria continues as her lips begin to move.
"Do you have any silk scarves?"
Ben does not hesitate. "Does she? Fifty shades herself has a drawer filled with anything you can imagine."
“Where?” Lindsay quickly turns back before I can say a word. I see an automatic flicker in her eyes as she does. This is exactly why I prefer dogs.
"Bottom drawer beside the bed. Isn’t that right Max?”
Oh, if the look from one’s eyes could truly burn another’s skin. My look would scar him permanently. Again! He exposes me! That's it! I'm kicking his ass! He winks at me in return, only driving my anger.
Lindsay is beside my bed in less than a second, ravishing through my toys. Her beautiful ass is in full site, but it is more her smile I feel, that I cannot see.
"This collection is truly remarkable. I mean Max really kudos. You really are every woman, in my eyes!"
"God I like her! Max, honestly don't ever get your makeup done by anyone else. She is lovely. Absolutely lovely."
Lindsay helps herself. She closes the drawer. She turns. She has something. One of my personal items that I use on others. Nothing I allow on myself. Ben lays down on his side now. He looks earnest. Once again, I am feeling amused at her effort. I will change this quickly.
"So what do you have there?" Ben inquires like a schoolboy.
Lindsay looks back and winks. "A little fun. Time for my game."
Ben shakes his head. He knows I play the games. I am not the center of one. He looks to me to see how I will respond at the mere suggestion.
I look with eyes squinted. "A game? Really? One of my f
avorite things to do. You do recall this is my room?"
I watch Lindsay's sultry body move toward me. The white of her eyes seem blinding in the dim light. Her tattoos, appear as if they may jump out toward me. I uncross my legs and let them dangle against the side of the dresser. With my legs now together, I feel how swollen I’ve again become. Ben’s excitement is ruling me. His arousal and my anger at him, only fuels my addictions. My need for control.
Lindsay, much to my surprise and partial dismay made me orgasm repeatedly. Round one, I personally could have called it a night. I certainly do not intend to be a pawn in anyone else’s game. I am the player, certainly not the one to be played with. I will give them what they seek. Only to a degree. I have done this with others, to Oscar winning lengths. Lindsay moves with true intent. She is certainly placing her best foot forward. God Bless. Really, God Bless with this. I have done more on less sedation. Time to make it work.
Lindsay continues to hide what is clear she took of mine. Clear to me at this time. I am always a step ahead. Same as before she stops right in front of me. Predictable.
“Max, do you trust me?”
"Lindsay, Lindsay. Trust? Trust is a very deceptive word." I stand to my feet. Throbbing more. My anxiousness and sexual drive are rising together. She is possibly a mirror image indeed.
"I want to play." Lindsay proclaims as she sways from side to side.
"I was hoping you would."
Oh good Lord, this is going to take more energy than I was willing to give this woman. I figured toy with her some more and set us the rest of what I want for Ben in motion. Her and I pleasure him. Though once I had her going down on him, I would sneak out. Let them finish as they chose. I was hoping for a cup of decaffeinated tea and maybe an episode of The Big Bang Theory. Oh, the exploits I venture to.
She smirks as she drops her hands to her sides. I see silk fall along each thigh. "I want to bind your hands and I want to blindfold you. It is not a question either. It is what I am going to do."
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