In my peripheral vision I see Ben shake his head and almost bite his lip. He watches. He knows if he lets out a sound, I will make him pay terribly. He will not be able to turn around in this apartment without wonder. Wonder, if I've purchased an S&M mask and slipped it in between his sheets to be found right before he asks a lover to his room. May even be something more civilized. Sabotage his dinner with an entire bottle of hot sauce and while haven hidden the bread and milk for relief. Could be anything? I have few limitations.
Lord, of all the things she wants to demand. Another, Ben wishes himself? Ah, what to do? Oh wait, wait just a moment. This is so simple. This will be easier than I thought. Round Two, let’s finish this. Then so help me God, I am going to sleep after this. I will sleep on the couch if need be. I am exhausted.
I put my arms on Lindsay's waist and pull her to me. I kiss her neck. I place small sweet kisses all over. Yes, I am playing her. I suck hard at one point, slightly biting. I feel both our nipples harden against each other. I move up, sucking on her earlobe as she tilts her back. I grab the back of her long hair and pull it. Enough. Her head tilts back. I kiss the front of her neck, kissing and sucking. I move back to her mouth. I loosen my grip on her hair only enough for her to reach my lips. It is my turn to do the talking. A game. Well let’s twist things up. The outcome will be fun.
"Really? Here I thought it would be much more fun, to blindfold you both. You asked me to touch you earlier. Don’t you still want me to? I have quite the imagination myself."
Lindsay is quick. "Really? Here I thought you would want me to make you come as hard as you did before. If I am correct, you did more than once?"
Okay someone hit pause please. I need to admit. It is hard but I will admit it. That was brilliant. Am I allowed a protégée’? She would be phenomenal. Nice Lindsay. Okay we can hit play again.
"Actually, I am counting it." I finally glance over at Ben and wink.
If he thought he saw the devil in my eyes earlier, my wink alone should make him see a scorching hell within me. I have words for him also. "As for you my friend, I have intent for you also. There will be no capacity for you to walk comfortably for days. If I were you, I would prepare myself. You see, I have a clear view of what I can and will do to you, still. The funny part to me is neither of you seem to be understanding. I am not done with either of you. Lindsay doesn’t seem to be grasping I am not done with her. She feels she is going to play with me. Truth, she is going to do exactly what I want her to do. Perhaps Ben, you would like some more lemonade?"
Lindsay turns my face with her hand. Firmer than I thought she had in her. I should have pulled her hair harder. Wrong move. Oh wait, I like it rough. Touché’. I am enjoying myself yet again.
My little speech seems to have changed her tone. "If you want what I did earlier, play my game first."
“Your game? All right sweetness. I will give you what you wish. It seems to mean so much to you. I will let you play before I once again do what I please. I will teach you what you somehow think you already know.”
Ben interrupts us both with his sarcastic nature. "Excuse me, but do you ladies mind if I get my phone? A quick video of this battle of wills would be superb to keep after tonight."
We both look at him. Both hungry for control. Ben does not realize what I see in her eyes. She is as wicked as I. She wants him in the end, as much as I do. She wants him again on her, inside of her. It had been an option if that I what they chose when I would not present any longer, however now it is not. My den. My rules. My ultimate games. I am now Daniel. It is now my time to close the jaw of the lion.
I swipe the scarves hard from Lindsay’s hands. Fool. I walk over to where Ben lay. I purposefully climb over him. Reinforce this is my bed, my rules. He does not move. Lindsay continues to stand at my dresser. She solely turns herself to watch me. I place myself at the center of my bed. Sit upright, lean back against my headboard, open my legs with my knees up. I expose all of me. Again.
I tie the blindfold tight around my eyes. I knot it hard at the center of my skull. I wonder if this bondage could possibly focus my thoughts. Let them not scurry within my head. Tie my mind, not my eyes. With the second scarf between my fingers, I place my hands together like a prayer and rest them against my belly.
"My wrists are waiting. Tie them. This is what you want? You are underestimating me. Truth is I'm much better at everything with my eyes closed."
Ben turns his body. He nods to himself. “Well, Lindsay in case you wondered where Max went she is most certainly back now. Seems filled with vengeance for anyone even trying to question whose game this really is. You realize, this is about to get a lot more interesting.” Ben tilts his head toward Lindsay. "Hate to say it, but -I told you so."
Chapter Ten
A fire is burning strong. I feel it. My opponent approaches. I hear Lindsay climb on the bed. A slow crawl until she stops between my legs. Is she really going to try to outdo me still?
It is then I hear kissing. I feel nothing. She does not tie my hands. Fuck! Is she really going to play the Ben card? Ooooh no! I hear whispers yet I cannot understand the words shared. I will not give either of them satisfaction in moving a hair.
Hands are now on my legs. I feel four. Shit, is he in on it? A moment passes. I feel Ben kiss my neck. The touch, the lips I yearn for. He is next to me, not between me. Lindsay stays between my legs, though she does not touch me any longer. Ben's hand travels up the inside of my leg.
These hands, they are my comfort. My warmth. My safety. My deepest desire. His hands have the power to lessen my desire for control. His touch makes me forget. We were supposed to touch him. Traditional, classic threesome now. Her and I on him. Period. He was absolutely not to touch me in front of her. My truth, my heart is weak with Ben.
He moves close to the heart pounding between my legs. I move down. I forget for a moment she is here. I want him. All I feel, is all I see with my eyes shut so tight. His strong, gentle hands closing in on the center of my desire. My heart slams heavier against my rib cage. I am restless, unnerved. Every cell in my body awaits the eruption, the pure electrocution he drives through me. I do not want her to witness this. Play your game! Tie my hands. That game I can outplay!
Lindsay moved her knight and checked my King? She is getting what she asked of us? He and I together? No. I, the queen am here! I am here to guard my King. Wicked. She has more moves than being a sole knight. I missed when she took me out. Checkmate; Lindsay.
You may see him and I, but you shall not see “us”. Nor any ridiculous idea of making love? There is no such thing! I stay silent. If I do not, I shall scream. She will not have any such satisfaction. Fuck. Not seeing and seeing at this moment is the very same thing.
It is then, I feel Lindsay move away from me. Ben takes her place not as close as she knelt. Instead, he slowly pulls my hips closer toward him. He stops my body before I completely meet his. I feel him lean over me. He clasps both my hands in his. Intertwines our fingers. My head now flat on the bed, I feel slightly overtaken. My heart no longer pounds, but races. She convinced him to let her watch? Watch! What? I am not even aware what she anticipates. What? No, not he and I? He would never! We don’t do this!
I breathe deeper, shorter breaths. Ben lays both my hands on the bed with him. He slowly travels his tongue with licks and kisses from my neck to my navel. It is then, as my chest rises high, falls harder, I hear Lindsay whisper in my ear.
“Play games with strangers. This man, he is not a game. If you really look in his eyes, you will see your own reflection. You will see infinity, same as he sees in you.”
Lindsay pulls the scarf from my eyes. She places a quick gentle kiss on my lips. I am confused. I am stunned. I am speechless. I am in awe. I am exposed. I am done.
Ben raises his head as though every syllable has shaken him. He looks at the both of us, then turns away. I try to find him, but he is a thousand miles away. What have I done? My eyes move back to Lindsay, as she is moves off my
bed. My playground.
She is smiling at me. “I will never forget either of you.” She takes her clothes from my floor. Lindsay turns to leave my room. Once at my door she looks solely at Ben. I stare at him now. His gaze gone in some abyss I cannot penetrate or fall into myself. I only feel fear. My anxiety grows.
She speaks solely to Ben. “Life is too short to not honestly reveal itself."
With those last words, Lindsay’s back is to us. Another moment my door gently closes. Did my door just close on me? This cannot be.
I look to Ben for understanding. He is upright, he has let go of my hands. His stare rests straight at my wall. His eyes nowhere near me. He rubs his face with both hands before he pushes them through his hair. This feels as unsettling for him too. What have I done?
Panic is rising. The walls feel as though they are closing in. I did this. What did she see in us? What did she see in me? My God, what did she in him? What did I miss when I selfishly left to regain this fucking need for control that I know will one day destroy me? What is happening? Ben isn’t a game for me. This wasn’t for me! Infinity? "Life reveals itself"? What is happening? My god it is all spinning. I need Ben to look at me! Goddamn it I think I ruined it all. I am his best friend. I went too far.
"Ben-” I pull myself and lean up beneath him. I touch his face, turning it to me. I am afraid. His expression changes before me. Ben smiles, same as he does when he sees someone do something kind for a stranger. I don't understand. Right then Ben wraps his arm around my waist lifting me up like a doll tight against him.
He looks straight in my eyes. "Do you believe in me? Not trust me. Do you believe in me Mackenzie? Believing in someone is far harder for you than even trusting someone."
“Ben?"
“Look in my fucken eyes Max! Do you believe in me? The word is tattooed beneath my hand on your skin right now. To believe means everything to you. Do you believe in me?”
"You know I do. Ben? Why are you asking me this?" I question in the softest voice.
I now know the answer. Oh God, I no longer know how. I barely knew so long ago. I am not capable. I will fail him. I try to turn my face away as tears fall from my eyes. They originate from my soul. They are being carried through my heart, escaping my eyes. Ben turns my face gently back to meet his.
"You didn't do this for you. You did this for me didn't you? Only me. Max? It's time. Time for you and me. I don’t need this from you. You can’t be in control of everything in this life. I know you try because so much of your life you have no control of, but not with me Max. It is okay to let go with me. Just this once Max, show me how you believe in me instead of telling me you do. Trust me. I believe in you. I trust you completely. For once, truly let go. Don’t fuck me Max. This is only you and I. Olive juice Max. Olive juice. Stop that fucken mind of yours for us. I want to make love to you. I want to make love with me Max. I promise I will not let you go." He whispers, yet his voice cracks. He stumbles on his own words.
These words cause my heart to tremble. I am paralyzed. He honestly wants to make love to me? He has never expressed this before. I have only dreamt of this moment. Doesn’t he know dreams do not come true? I know I am going to fail him again.
Ben lifts me again. He moves my body so I am flat on my back. He moves his long, lean body on top of me for the first time he will remember. I have not allowed him missionary in twenty years. I’ve never with any man since then. This time I finally must. I cannot object. Say no to these eyes staring through me. I do love him. I breathe in and believe. Ben gently tilts my face to his. He wipes my tears.
"Max I need you to not solely keep your eyes open. Never let them leave mine. Look in me. I promise you will see all of me. You will see the truth Max. My soul needs you. I think your soul needs me also. Search with me. Promise me, you will try?"
My hands find his face caress his cheekbones. I stare into his eyes. I see fear and excitement. What causes my heart to settle slower in its pace, I see not only him, but I see my reflection in his eyes. His body warm on mine. The weight of him is not scary, but rather a safe chrysalis to transform. I do trust this man. I do believe in him also. I have always believed in him. It is I, I have not believed in for so very long. It is only with him I could possibly emerge different. Only with Ben can I possibly find wings to fly. A caterpillar can only become a butterfly when it believes in the chrysalis it wraps itself in.
I stumble on my words. "I promise Benjamin."
With that one reply, one single promise my entire world shall unravel. For the first time in my adult life, I make love.
It is impossible to deny the difference. Pleasure so fulfilling as I enjoy giving without a care of receiving. Watching Ben as I, pleasure him is a joy I never looked before to see. My mind moves in unison with my body and with my heart. I do not think of my next move. I am present in each moment. It is each second I feel his heart beat on mine, I find home in his eyes. This is not a feeling found between my legs or some thrill that races from there. This is both our bodies. Equality. Our entire bodies. Every touch of his fingers slowly moving, tracing every corner of me. Every graze of his lips pierce me. I touch him ever so slowly with the sincerest desire for time to stop. I never want this to end.
Perhaps I’ve finally gone completely mad. My mind has left me all together, but I feel my soul burn. A soul I believed no longer existed. It is rising in me like a phoenix, every time Ben brushes his hand over my cheek. It lifts from within me toward him. I am returning from the ashes of so long ago.
We are missionary. I am so amazingly comforted and safe beneath him. Our breaths rise and fall together. I find I am solely breathing the air, the life from Ben’s lungs. How is it possible to feel so much? As if it is all happening too quickly, yet everything around us come is coming to a halt. I can feel everything Ben is feeling. To be one is unlike any feeling I could put into words.
I do fear Ben will see all of me. He must not look too deep. An immediate fear rising from my soul. Not fear in sharing this love, but Ben seeing in my eyes, my secrets, and my past. Our past. Ben knows he is changing me right now. I cannot ruin this. I cannot fail. I cannot let him see so deep into me. See he is forever changing me yet again.
As he holds my eyes tight within his I push my fears aside. He enters me. A feeling so different than we have ever shared before. I begin to weep with every kiss, every touch and every single movement we share as one. One. A connection, a force, a magnet I refused to believe in. We move as one. Ben does not turn away as I begin to cry. He holds me tighter, moving deeper inside me. He buries himself within me for all eternity. This time he is aware. Our present moment, he is conscious of exactly what is happening. This love, this night how will any other way ever again be enough? I never want to be any other way with him again.
I hold Ben’s face as he thrusts so slowly back and forth in a mind twisting ecstasy. For once, I move with him, not against him. As I do, I weep for the past. I weep more for the future. I weep for how wondrous this all feels. I weep for the ease and comfort. The safeness I am feeling. Most of all, my gratitude.
As time stands still and I am wrapped in the arms of the love of my life. This very second I realize we solely break in life so we may be put back together in a completely different way. A better one than before.
I am not failing him. I can feel him see the truth in my heart. I know he hears every word I have wanted to say but have never spoken. Every moment I left and did not embrace. Every time I wanted to reach for him and held back. As I see my reflection in his eyes, it is so clear he sees the same in mine. I see forever. The same I saw twenty-one years ago.
Ben has always only seen the good. Within his arms so tight and strong, I am in further awe. He never does let me go. Exactly as he promised. Tears now stream from his eyes landing on mine as we slowly ever so slowly move to climax together.
After we lay silent holding on as if one of us may fall off a cliff. We are somehow hanging on for dear life. We both know without words, nothing
shall ever be the same. I am happy. I am grateful yet filled with fear. This is my unknown.
As much as I do not wish for him to ever move off me again. He does. As he withdraws from me, Ben gently finds the closest spot beside me. He continues not leaving the most intimate embrace we have ever shared. He leans down and grabs my blankets. He covers us both. Protecting us. Covering all that is now exposed. Ben buries his face in my neck. I know he wishes to hide his tears as well.
I wait. I wait for an ounce of strength to return, before I speak. "Ben?"
He wraps his arms firmer around me. He pulls me even closer to him. The only words I find are not enough. "I'm going to miss you very much."
I feel him take a deep breath as his body quivers beside mine that still trembles. "Max I have been missing you every day. Every day you are right beside me. Every moment you never truly see me.”
He kisses my head, rests his beside mine. I can still feel his body shake. He turns me on my side and lies tight against me. This is what so many people talk about. We spoon our bodies as one. He holds me closer than I have ever felt. I dare not speak again aloud. Instead in a whisper to myself as I close my eyes tight. "You are wrong. I have only seen you. I have loved you all my life."
I cry silently without further tears or even movement as Christina Perri, “A Thousand Years”, drifts sweetly through my mind. Like an angel’s whisper circling my room. Wrapped in the arms of the man I have been in love with for twenty-one years. I desperately hold onto his arms around me. With the feel of Ben’s soft breath on my neck, I drift off to sleep. All I worked so hard to become is gone. I am completely undone.
Chapter Eleven
My cell rings again. I know the ringtone all but too well. Ben put it on. Every phone upgrade he always sneaks it on my phone. Accompanies it, of course with a selfie. He always leaves a picture with a smile that weakens my knees. I ignore his call again. I no longer know who I am. Who or what Ben and I are?
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