I Walked With Her

by Lisa Barrington

  After a few minutes, I get out my cell. "Hey Steph. Guess who? What are you up to?”

  "Stranger! I miss you! I am editing. What else would I be doing? Sometimes this job is so mundane. I hate it! Hey, when are you going to get me in touch with your friend from New York? I need in the least to be working for real publications Max. Not the bullshit I am reading right now. Anyway, I am certain you did not call to hear me bitch! What's going on cupcake? I miss you!"

  "Well…a cupcake is exactly what I am thinking about? Can you sneak out for a bit?"

  "Tara's cupcakes?"

  "Is there really any other choice in this town? Yes! Tara's!"

  "Where are you?"

  "About five blocks away?"

  "Perfect. I’ll grab a cab. Going to take me ten to get out of here, so be patient. I will see you in about twenty! I love when you surprise me and we sneak away. Reminds me of ditching class in college. How did two east coast girls end up here anyway?"

  "I love it too. I ask myself that same thing all the time! See you in a few."

  Tara's cupcake with a good cup of coffee can cure anything. There are many little pieces of heaven in this city, even if I will always be an east coast girl in my roots. Though, like the song states, ‘I left my heart in San Francisco’. I totally have. I am such an asshole. I start to walk even faster to reach Tara's. I may need a cupcake appetizer before Steph arrives. So much for not eating. Truth is, cupcakes really don’t count. They are more like drugs than actual food, certainly no nourishment. This I need.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I arrive at my meeting, just as the group is starting. I stay quiet. I usually share, but not today. Today I simply listen. I am more consumed by my own thoughts. I need to figure out the next step in handling this whole situation. This is a complete mess. I can’t concentrate. Everything’s changed. Yet, nothing to a certain degree. Nothing in my heart. All that happened between Max and I, I have wanted for so long. What has changed, now Max knows and her actions are clear. She simply never truly felt the same. I am a game. I am no different in the end from everyone else.

  Suddenly I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I usually never check it out of respect for my surroundings. My anonymous friends deserve such respect. What if it's Max? I need to. I must look. I discreetly pull it out. It is Max.

  'I'm sorry. I miss you. Very much. Olive juice.'

  My heart eases for a moment and I smile as I push the phone back in my pocket. Finally, I am able to draw my attention back to my support group. That small gesture has given me a flicker of hope. Maybe there is a slight glimmer of possibility for Max and I. Wait. She misses me. So what? Why do we all have to be our own worst enemy? Doubt creeps back through me. “Is she missing me or her best friend?” I lean back in the hard metal seat and listen. I listen to others stand and humble themselves with their own daily struggles. Right now, what I feel is much harder than not wishing for a drink. I envy their sole battle at this moment. I wish it only mine also.

  The last struggle is shared and everyone heads for some coffee and cookies that are consistently set up in the corner of the church’s basement. I can’t stay and make small talk today. I need to get on my way. I need out of San Francisco. I have only been back a short time and I need to go.

  I call the guys as I get in my Jeep. Let them know hopefully if no traffic, I should meet them in little over three hours. I put the Jeep in drive. There is a peace in a long drive alone. The road, solitude and music. A road trip is good for everyone's soul. I have never before been one to run from a situation. Well, how I that true considering my drinking for so many years. But I am not that man anymore. Right this second it is all I desire.

  Feeling the temperature drop, as I get closer, it is nothing less than refreshing. The brisk air blows through my open car, reiterating how needed this is. A few days away, relax and ski. No work. Clear my head. We will figure this all out together. Somehow.

  An immediate ache punctures within my chest. I am the sane one, what is happening to me. My mind has become an exhausting one.

  Did we ruin everything we've built? What we have, well we had, a great life together. So what, she misses me? I miss going running when I am out at work. Doesn’t mean I am in love with it. Simply means I miss it. It is useful to me. That is, it. I am simple useful to her.

  Why can’t I push these very thoughts as quickly out of my mind as they appear? I will not allow myself to think this way. I am not a pessimist. Jesus I overcame alcoholism! Drinking was my world. No one, no one is going to make me not believe in love. Love is what got me to where I am now. Fine! Max can do as she pleases. When I return, we will simply have to handle this like adults. In fact, I am certain she will have no issue looking to put it behind us, as if it never even happened. That is how Max handles most everything in life.

  All that is before me is the highway and my steering wheel. I slam my hands hard against it. I feel a slight in my palms from the intensity I’ve struck it. God damn it. I am done. No Max for a few days. Me, my friends and fresh powder under sunny skies. That simple. Enjoy the scenery. The mountains, you are far from home. Enjoy the mountain views around you. It is all I can tell myself at this moment.

  The drive thank God has gone quickly. I arrive at Squaw Creek exactly three hours and twenty-five minutes later. I made excellent time even with one stop for a much-needed coffee. Leaving my Jeep out front, I check in. Of course, I reserved a larger room. How can I not feel disappointment now? I had been hopeful Max would snap the hell out of this and join me. It is what it is. I need to make this my time.

  I head up to my room. Valet handles parking and storing my gear until morning in the chalet. During check in, I inquire if Mark and Rob had checked in yet. They have not. I finally receive a text as I am settling into my room. They are still about forty minutes away. This is as better time as any to lie down. I need rest. This last trip was mentally and physically exhausting. I feel like I may collapse if I think much longer. A quick nap will do me good.

  The bed is soft, but too large to be in alone. Fuck! I have never been in this position before. I need to shut my mind off and close my eyes. Shut this all off. I was wrong. It was all a mistake.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The Tahoe sunset spills through the room. I awake with an abrupt jump. I startle myself. A little over two hours has passed. Oh, shit! Ten text messages on my phone. All from the Mark.

  ‘Did I score a woman already?’ ‘At dinner in the pub.’ ‘How hot is she?’ ‘Should we send room service?’ ‘Hurry up and join us.’ The list goes on.

  He is an idiot in how attempts to be funny. Today I am not as amused. I can’t complain really, Mark and Rob are both good guys; outstanding to work with. I quick grab my room key and immediately head downstairs. My mind is still a bit fuzzy. That was not like me to fall asleep for so long. I dreamt of Max. I dreamt about when we first me. In all our years, I have never actually dreamt of Max. I never actually even recall my dreams when I wake. This feels haunting. I need to catch up to my friends. This is all following me like a shadow I do not wish to acknowledge. First time ever I am wishing for darkness.

  Before entering the hotel's restaurant, I check my phone one last time for another text or possible voicemail from Max. I am still hoping there is something, anything further from her. After my dream, I want to suddenly be wrong. There are none there. Fuck it. I am right. It is that simple. If only putting this all out of my mind were as simple as that. I have to keep trying. Food. Food will help. I am famished.

  I can hear them way before I see them. I follow the boisterous voices. The corner back table. If they cannot divert my attention, no one can.

  Mark raises his glass as Ben approaches. “Ah the man arrives! Finally! So how do you do it?"

  The smell the alcohol hits. I swallow the smell. It would be good right this moment. Except it is only a moment. It will pass no matter how hard it is. "Do what?"

  Mark does not give up on his assumptions. "Walk in and wom
en fall at your feet?"

  Here we go. I am too hungry for this right now. My friends have been away working too long. They both need a good lay and soon. I need to move past this whole conversation. “You are both insane. I fell asleep."

  I open the menu then close it immediately. Too much written there to even process. I keep it clasped in my hands as I tap the table with it. I search for the waitress. I am exceptionally hungry and I no longer want to entertain this conversation.

  Mark finishes off his beer and knocks it back down on the table. "If that's the story you want to stick too. We don't see Max, so usually it is a free for all."

  There will be no talk of Max. I catch the waitresses glance.

  She heads straight over. "What can I get you? Beer, wine?"

  "Coffee actually. What did these guys have that they cleared their plates clean like this?"

  She smiles, "Rib-eye bone in."

  "Sounds perfect. I'd like a large salad with it instead of whatever else these shit eaters had."

  "Sounds good. I'll put your order in and get you that coffee handsome."

  Mark shakes his head repeatedly. "See what I mean? Not even in the Captain whites either.”

  “What I do know is we didn't get "handsome". Rob chimes in.

  I can’t help but roll my eyes. Move on. "So what's the deal for the morning? Front desk said there is a good eight inches of powder. What time you want to head out?"

  Mark is quick to give his opinion as he finishes his fourth beer. "Well I have been up at what, five every morning for seventeen days straight waiting on the wealthy and entitled? My worn out ass is sleeping till nine."

  Rob is quick to add. "I second that."

  She returns with my coffee. I empty two sugars in. Nothing else. After that slumber, I need a pick me up of caffeine. I raise my head in awe of these two. "Seriously? How am I almost twice the age of the both of you, yet I half twice the energy? I do not give you young deckhands, I mean stewards, that hard a time. Fine "boys" let’s say about ten? You both get your beauty rest. Grab a bite to eat and we meet at the chalet at 10. Sound good? "

  Both shake their heads. It is clear the alcohol set in for them both. I ignore the thought and eat. I have found the ability to be in many people’s company as they drown themselves in alcohol. It is challenging but all right with me. I keep myself in check. The reasons why I am sober always stay with me. Who I was before I never let leave me.

  We all continue to bullshit and joke until midnight. I do enjoy their company. They drink like fish and I continue to remind myself, the pure ass they are going to feel like in the morning. It becomes quite clear now; I will most likely be skiing alone. It is actually all right with me. Little music, sunny skies and pure powder is exactly what I need, same as the drive here.

  It is so late I help them up. The restaurant is almost empty now. I guide my friends to the elevator. Hits their individual floors, from there, they have to find their own rooms. I arrive at my room a few minutes later. I purposely waited for a separate elevator. I stop as I step in. I am certainly not tired after my deep sleep earlier. The idea of further sleep alone and my sudden tortuous subconscious is unappealing. I look around the room unaware of even where I wish to sit. This beautiful suite, feels empty and cold. I can’t stay in here.

  The moon is shining into the room. I am drawn to it. I find myself in front of the floor to ceiling window looking out at the mountains. White caps at night are amazing. Another site I never tire.

  Steam catches me eyes just as I am about to turn away. A hot tub. Outstanding. It looks empty. Finally, something inviting. Time to escape again. Excellent choice. I know I packed a suit. The sooner I get out of this room the better. I will go relax and my body hopefully will feel exhausted after and I will fall asleep with no memory of anything my mind throws my way again.

  I move quickly to change into board shorts and a heavy sweatshirt. I grab a towel from the bathroom and immediately get the hell out. It is a long path out of the resort. A much more secluded spot than how it appeared to be from my room. As I walk, the surrounding pool lights shut off. The only lights left are the ones along the cobblestone path. I can now see the steam ahead and it is eerily quiet. This makes me relieved and happy. I can be alone. Finally clear my head. I pull up a chair beside the Jacuzzi. I pull off my sweatshirt leaving it aside and climb in. The temperature is piercingly hot against the goose bumps that quickly rose when I undressed. I do not stop moving into the water until I am in up to my neck. One deep breath in, pure serenity flows through me.

  Without my watch on, I have no idea what time it is anymore. When not working I'm against wearing one. I am on call twenty-four hours a day; one begins to care less about time when you are finally free again from such restrictions. Between the moon as bright as the sun and the stars glowing in the sky as they are, does time really matter?

  As I rest my head on the cold cement edge, I hear footsteps. First thought, fuck any conversation! I will probably need to bail sooner than I hoped. I turn my head to try to contemplate a plan to retreat while being polite.

  She is about 5'8, long brown hair. I can't make out every feature with the light being so dim. What I can see are huge eyes and fuller lips. The rest of her is covered in a resort robe. She walks slowly, a direct air of proposition. I know women who walk like this. My curiosity of what lay under that robe becomes stronger.

  She reaches the hot tub as I watch. She gently glazes her foot in the water. "Molto caldo? Si? L'acqua non e bello?"

  She drops her robe. Statuesque in her burnt red bikini against her dark skin that glistens off the steam of the Jacuzzi. Her body is tight, thin, yet with breasts perfect C. I realize and am very aware of the trouble I am about to be in. Her hips make her waist appear the shape of a doll, more than a real woman does. Her bikini does not leave much to the imagination. If it covers her nipples, it may be considered a winter coat on her. This is a woman from a magazine, not one with an eye of persuasion standing before me. I blink twice, not sure, if I fell asleep again. My mind has been playing so many tricks on me; I am far from use too. Perhaps, I am going quite mad myself.

  She steps into the water. The movement of the still water against me proves I am not dreaming. I recognize her accent. Much of Max's family speaks Italian but I have yet to learn. As any man would do at this given moment, I raise my torso, asserting my posture even taller. "Umm non parlor Italiano?"

  She nods, coming to my side. "So' my English is molto poco. I try.” Slowly she tries to think of correct words. “I see you from-” She points up to the hotel rooms. “You Molto bello. I see before, mangiare. Your companions very silly. I want to meet you."

  “Your English is actually good." I move closer extending my hand. "Ben".

  I imagine a revolving door instead of our front door. A clear thought arises. “Oh Karma Max.” Spite fills me. Yes, Karma. I feel grateful for it as I look at this woman before me. Max does not care, neither shall I? Two can play games.

  "I am Francesca."

  There is an ease in the seduction before me. Maybe the guys were not so wrong earlier. "Il bellissimo."

  "Grazie. Si. Poco Italiano.”

  “No. That's really all I know. I hope it will be enough." I give Francesca a crooked smile as I raise my elbows above the water resting them on the ice cold stone surrounding the edges of my now, playground.

  She puts her hand on my thigh looking directly through me. So much for small talk. Reiteration is before me of the unpredictability of life. Thank you. Verbal communication no longer matters. This is about to be the fasted courtship I’ve ever encountered. I usually at least need to buy a drink or engage in some common interest conversation. Not now. I am more than pleased. She smiles at me as she wraps her hair into a bun on the top of her head. She intertwines her own hair. Small wisps fall beside her cheeks. Francesca is sexy, far more than beautiful. Does it even matter? She moves in front of me now with a devilish grin. I know this move all but too well. I place my hands o
n her face. I pull her in. We succumb to lust that is in the air heavy between us both.

  She responds with slow deep moans. There is no wasting time, no foreplay. A first for me, regardless of all past lovers. This time I will fuck out of spite and anger. Revenge, even if I shall only know. This fuck is justified. The mere idea of the numerous lovers Max has been devouring, this one is mine.

  I move my arms around her peeling off her bikini. She makes no objection. In fact, smiles wider as I do. She reaches for the tie of my board shorts pulling them open, touching me immediately. I am overwhelming aroused. I lose all other thoughts and pull her tighter. Ravishing her. I have no intention of going slow. Seems Francesca is as open to this, as much as I am. She came to fuck. I am more than happy to oblige.

  Her eyes no longer exist. I do not even desire to look in them. I am consumed with her body. Her breasts rest above the water. I lift her up to find me. I am in her too easily. She is not as tight. Fuck Max for even entering my mind again. Get out.

  I move her aggressively up and down on me with one arm. I kiss her hard and deep. Lustfully and without emotion. She speaks something in Italian in between moans. Massaging her breasts, I lean her head back into the water. Francesca continues grinding ferociously. This woman is fierce. Uncaring, solely seeking her own pleasure. A woman fierce like I am accustomed too. I fuck this woman. Same as I know Max fucks to regain much needed control. Emotionless.

  Anger moves through me. I cannot take it any longer, nor can I look at this woman. I cannot escape the hurt within me. I am not the same as Max.

  I turn Francesca around and she grabs the edge of the pool of water. I fuck her more aggressively. I fuck with an aggression I have never fucked before. I need release. I push us both with my own sole intent to climax. My mind twists. Fuck you Max. It is done.

  I withdraw and move back to the other side of the water. Anger disappears as fast as it all appeared. I feel ill. It hits me. Francesca is saying something in Italian, trying in English. I am no longer listening to a single word. Reality hit.