I Walked With Her

by Lisa Barrington

  "Max! It just happened. Please listen to me. I was in the fucking hot tub, alone. I went there to clear my head. Think. To escape. Relax. Every thought was of you! I couldn’t even stand to be in my room because I booked it for us both! I went to be alone and try to make sense of this all. Find some understanding. I went through every emotion someone can feel. Suddenly, she was there. She was Italian; barely spoke a lick of English! She was all over me. I was angry. I was spiteful I chose to say yes. I did not going looking for it. It happened. Max, I’m sorry!"

  "Not a lick of English? Oh, I'm sure she knew how to lick you though! Save your apology!" I get up storming off to the bathroom. I stop and turn around. "You know what? Hello! You can fuck anyone you want! I don't care what you do! I never have! Love anyone you want! I don't care! Do you hear me! I do not care! You didn't break some promise! We are friends! That is all! We never had any promises about being monogamous! You can do as you please! I do not care! So! You fucked some Italian whore! Good for you! Quite the conquests lately Ben! That belt feel tighter at all with all those notches in it? Threesome, Italian whore and craziest of all, you made love me! The emotional cripple! Remember how you described me that night to her! Maybe you should go get a bigger belt!"

  I run! Ben is at the door stopping me from slamming it in his face. I must be alone at this moment. He can technically fuck whom he wants. I cannot process that he wanted to. I feel faint.

  "Do not lock me out.” Ben’s hand is tight on the door. “Max did you hear me? I need you to hear me! Max! I am not losing you over this mistake. It was a mistake! A huge, huge mistake! You will not run from me. I will never stop fighting for you! You need to understand it all before I know we can move on. I know we can move on! We have been through so much! We can do this. We can do this together. First, oh God, I am going to break you more and it is killing me Max! Max! You didn’t really listen. We were in a hot tub. I did anticipate even meeting this woman. I did not go looking for this Max. Max God damn it; this is so difficult! I don’t want to hurt you more! Max, we didn't use anything. I am sorry! You never asked anything else of me. I betrayed you. I have to live with this. Forgive me?"

  Tears are in Ben’s eyes. I drop my hand off the door. I slide down the side of the wall. I can no longer stand. I cannot even speak, only whisper.

  “You came in her? Really came in her?" I am paralyzed. Anxiety is rising quickly stealing my last breaths yet again. I cannot allow him to see the pain I am feeling.

  This promise, this commitment we did make to one another. The promise we made together. I have my reasons. I can never fully tell him why. Secrets I keep even from him. My heart aches. My breathing is becoming shallower. My anxiety is heightened. I cannot have another anxiety attack. I cannot show him this vulnerability again. I do not want his help. I do not want his eyes, my hand in his.

  I crawl to the bathroom counter. I get out my bottle of Xanax. I place two pills under my tongue. I care not he sees this. I care more he not see another attack. The stuttering that will be worse. Completely stop all words from making sense. The suffocation, my body attempting again to place a bag over my face with no escape but the feel of doom. This time it will take all from me. I will fall into the fetal position again, constrict into a ball, grabbing at anything until the air is truly gone. If that is my destiny, the only thing I shall not allow, is it be at Ben’s feet, not after all of this life. The Xanax must work. I lean on the side of the vanity and close my eyes.

  Ben moves to the floor. “Max please! It was a mistake. It was at that moment I realized it was only you. It could never be anyone else again.”

  With my eyes still closed. I speak slowly. I am desperate in slowing my heart rate down. The drugs have the control now. I simply must work with it. “I am sorry, what? I am to understand, as you were coming in some whore who you seduced or she seduced you on your first night away, you decided you only wanted me. That you are going to fight for me because of all the years you have been in love with me. What am I supposed to feel?”

  Ben moves in front of me. He leans in and kisses me. I try to push him away. He only pulls me in closer. Ben pulls me onto his lap as I try to resist him. Truth is I have no strength in my physical body. I have no fight left.

  “I made a mistake. Max I am in love with you. Not just "Olive juice". Mackenzie Manale I am in love with you. It was at that moment I realized it. That moment I declared it to myself. I need to fight for you. You have been next to me all these years and I knew it but I never allowed myself to admit it because I feared I would lose you. I am here and I really fucked up. If I lose you because of this, then I do. I can't deny it in anymore though either. I will fight for you. I will beg for your forgiveness everyday if need be. God dam it Max I need you. I love you so much everything hurts. Please?”

  He leans to kiss me again. He stops barely touching my lips. He holds the sides of my face up to look at him. I am so weak. I want to sleep. Instead, I still listen.

  “Hate me right now but never be scared of me. I will never hurt you again. I want so much to make love to you right now. So you can see my truth not in my words, but in all of me.”

  Hurt me? Scared of him? I push the skeletons back in their closet, desperately telling me no. It is the first time I do not want to hear them.

  I open my eyes to look into his. To see if I am there again. My reflection. Is it there? “Why me Ben? I'm broken. Why me? Look at everything I've done in my life. Look at my mind. This is what you really want to love? What you do love. I can't be fixed. I'm beyond broken.”

  “For every reason you said why not, are the exact reasons I do love you. I'm broken too. Neither of us is beyond being new again. Don't you see your heart Max? You are beautiful. You fight all these battles in your mind but you always make time for me. You respect me, you understand me in ways I can't share with anyone else. I don't want you "fixed". I don't care how you see you. I know how I see you.”

  He kisses my lips gently. I have no thoughts left. His breath is so close. His smell so familiar. I have thought of nothing but him. I kiss him back. He wraps himself around me as if to push his strength into me. We kiss slowly as we did that night. Explore one another all over again as if it was the first time. Like the first kiss, we shared when I was only eighteen. The kiss I have never forgotten. It feels so similar. The only love I believed in so long ago. Am I capable? I understand through this kiss now, how much I want to try.

  I pull back gently and whisper in his ear. “Honestly, I am so tired. All of me. I don’t know what to feel or say about what you did last night. All I know is I am in love with you also Ben. It has always been you. You said it to me that night; I have said it to myself millions of times. I have missed you every day you were right beside me. I am scared of what that means. I can’t lose you Ben. You are in me, in a way I never thought could be with anyone. You are in my blood, under my skin, imprinted in my mind and most of all; you encompass all of my heart. My soul. You don’t understand it has always been you. I have no right. I am so imperfect. We are all only human. I forgive you. Don’t fear hurting me again. The truth Ben, I will always forgive you. Believe me, there have been times I tried not to. But, it is simply impossible for my heart not to do.”

  “What?”

  “Nothing, it is nothing. My own insecurity. It came out wrong. Only thing important is I love you Benjamin. I forgive you.” I kiss his neck, trying to pull his sweatshirt out of the way. I need him against my skin.

  He stops and pulls it over his head. I'm on his lap sideways against him. His chest is warm to the touch yet when I touch him, I feel goose bumps rise. I find further comfort in this. He truly is frightened too. I am not alone. I love him. He loves me. He loves all of me? I mean love, like fairytale love? The love, I only heard other people speak. Even when they did, I thought it a facade of hiding some truth they were embarrassed to admit. I never let myself believe someone could love someone as battered as me.

  Ben stops kissing me, moving my hair away fro
m my face. He wipes away all the tears that have poured from my eyes. “I need you. Neither of us will have control over all of this. This is new for us both. I am so ready though Max. I will continue to support your needs and the ways you to try to find balance. Control with me, I can't do that anymore. We need to find us."

  I look down. “I don't know how. It is how I survive.”

  “Have control over everything else, but with you and I, let go. You no longer need to survive with me, only live. Love. You are safe with me. Use it in every other area you need in life. You and I we will succeed. We will find balance and equality between us. You are capable of this and so much more.”

  “What if I fail?”

  “There is no way you will fail. What we have, what we are Max, is so much more than others in even dream are. As fucked as we both are, is only going to make this ride even more incredible. Max we can survive this. Max there is nothing we can’t face if we do it together. Max we are a love story.”

  “I believe in you Ben. I have never believed in anyone or anything more.”

  “I will never let you go Max. No matter what happens, I will never let you go. Nothing can ever make me let you go.”

  I look deep in his eyes, the color of the ocean. For it is not the sea I see in his eyes, but rather me. I have waited for this moment all my life and here we are. We kiss. We stay locked this way as he stands from Indian style to straight up. All while not letting me go in his arms. He walks us to my bedroom. He sits me up beside my bed. Ben strips out of his clothes. His smile so tender, almost innocent. Something I am not.

  His smile right now appears to radiate through every cell within him. I can only assume it is from my forgiveness. He made another amends.

  He then undresses the little bit of clothes I have on. Ben pulls my blankets back ushering me in as he follows beside me. He lays us both on our sides. He turns back to shut my lamp off. My phone is beside my bed. I hear him fumble with it. Music begins. The light is off.

  My room black as night, though morning is awake outside. Ben pulls me closer against him. He spoons me as he did that night. He rests his head in my neck. He gently kisses my neck as the music begins.

  “I heard this song on my way home this morning. I had never heard it before. I knew you would have it. Max this is you and I. This describes us. Music is so much your world. Your tranquility and inspiration. Have you ever really listened to these words? Fall asleep to these lyrics as I hold you love.”

  “I thought you wanted to make love?”

  “We are Max. Listen close, with new ears. Let your body drown itself of all your worries and feel my love wrap around you. Sleep. This is what you need most right now. Rest. Let’s sleep, our hearts behind one another. We can be one this way. This too is making love. This is also.”

  Ben kisses my neck one last time before I feel his body fall in a submission of release. His body warm beside mine.

  I feel my anxiety’s roar slowly lessen to a hum. It is not due to the medication. It is a solace in my mind and entire body. All worry and fear escape as I lay her with him. I grab Ben’s arms around me and hold them tight myself.

  A new song is added to the soundtrack of my life. John Legend’s voice carries through my ears, to my heart. Fills my soul with the rhythm of Ben’s heartbeat against my back. This is "All Of Me", as all of him lays beside me.

  I have so much to learn of love. This right now...I have no other words for, except one. Tranquility.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  I shut off the shower. With Ben’s back to the water, I keep my arms around him. I bury my face in his chest. I do not let go. I hold on. Fear still lays within me. I failed him once so long ago. I blame myself. Secrets. Secrets feed fear.

  Ben looks down at me with concern, “What's the matter?”

  “Nothing. I'm savoring this moment. I don't want to let go. I never thought this could be like this.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I felt so grateful simply having you as my best friend. The benefits at times, they meant more to me than I ever admitted. The word love alone frightens me. Do I even know how to love? Can I love you, in a way you deserve? Am I even worthy of this? With you. I don't know. I guess I’ve always believed some people; they don't get to have it all. They only get pieces in life. I was meant to be one of those people.”

  A look of awe strikes across Ben’s face. “What? No. Wait. Wait. Hold this thought please. This is important. You’re shivering. Your goose bumps are giving me goose bumps.”

  Ben moves the curtain. He grabs a towel wrapping it around my shoulders. I step out. He grabs one for himself drying off quickly. He then wraps the towel around his waist.

  I don’t move. I watch Ben same as I always have. It is hard not to appreciate him physically. The strength I feel in his shoulder blades when I hug him tight on my tiptoes. I love all of him. Ben’s physique is impressive and maintained. Forty, he does not look. He never dries his hair. He shakes it to a damp state, and then towel dries it until most of the water is gone. He never fusses over it. I have never seen him once do more than this. I love when he does this. He is handsome, gentle and sexy.

  He actually had to put up a good argument, to maintain this hair length. A Captain is “suppose to” have shorter hair. I am glad his experience and personality swayed his bosses. This look, this is Ben. I cannot help but continue to stare.

  “Are you sure you're okay? You’re making me concerned?”

  I snap out of my thoughts and respond. “Yes. Just cold. I can’t help but watch you. Feels like I am seeing you for the first time. Do you ever realize I am in awe of you?”

  “Awe of me?” Ben raises his brow.

  “Very much. You changed your life. You turned your life around. You did it in a positive way. You left behind what did not serve you. You kept all the parts I have envied. You maintained an innocence we should all have, no matter our age. You never lost you, no matter the mistakes or the regrets I know you carry. There is purity in you. I envy that Ben. That is not me.” My voice trails off. My truth. The life I never wanted written. The person I never wanted to be.

  “You are wrong Max. I will leave it at that.” Ben leans over and kisses my forehead.

  A forehead kiss is always one to be cherished. I value them even more than I did before. A kiss on the forehead is the sweetest most tender of all. Intimacy. Caring and thought. The most simplistic display of love and admiration. Unconditional. I understand this now. Slowly I am learning the definitions of unconditional and intimacy.

  With a goal, Ben moves me. “Put your arms up. If I don't get you dry, you are either going to freeze to death or never move.”

  I put my elbows up as Ben dries me gently with speechless care. Even his touch now, he takes such time and affection. Why me?

  He looks at me, now with an adolescent grin and asks, “Now. The big question, sexy or cozy robe? Aha! Very big decision here. Have I finally earned the black robe?”

  I laugh. He has most definitely earned the black robe. He earned the black robe at least five years ago. What he doesn't seem to understand, is when I wear the comfortable robe, it means far more to me. That robe means I don’t want to play. I trust you. I can relax and be myself with you. That is why I have never worn the black robe with him. It is my alter ego. However, I will. I know the time will come. Who I was and who I am, who I desire to be, will need to come together at one moment. Maybe now? I would prefer it to be his choice. I am quick to reply, willing for either.

  “Either. You choose.”

  With a smile, he does not hesitate himself. “Cozy it is. I prefer you all natural. I enjoy the side of you, you always left only for me. Except that one spiteful evening. Do not think I did not miss that step, that night. A character you shall always be.”

  My heart fills. He has always understood. This makes me happy. Ben grabs my robe tossing it over. He has definitely earned the black robe. I will need to wear it soon. Surprise him. He deserves all sides me, for the pu
re honesty of me being real for him. Thinking of it more, I will need to include it in a way showing him how he has changed me. I am no longer the same. He may not wish for the control to be a part of our relationship, but I do also know he too loves the wicked side of me. For now, I am going to enjoy the comfort with him. I have been wicked far too long.

  Ben finishes brushing his teeth. He looks up at me. “I'm going to make us hot tea. You still look so cold. Sweet Dreams blend sound good?”

  “My favorite. That sounds nice.”

  “Meet you back in bed? I would like to finish the conversation you began. I have quite a bit to add. I also need to grab some shorts. Try and keep "my mood" under wraps for a brief rest.”

  Almost embarrassed by my obsessive behavior, I remind him. “I need to blow dry my hair. You know I can't get into bed with wet hair. And we know, well, I have my rituals.”

  "I am well aware love. Take your time. However, do not confuse, I have intentions of making you sweat off all the lotions and great care you take in yourself, at some point again today.”

  “Really? Here, I thought I was the nymphomaniac."

  “You are wearing off on me. Isn’t that part of what you love about me?”

  I forget my OCD for a brief moment, but my reality returns. “Yes, it is. Ben, I need my medication. Can you bring it back with you?”

  “Of course.”

  Ben begins to leave. I feel a sudden guilt. This has always been part of his world, but now it is almost part of his existence too. I grab his arm as he leaves. “Ben. I am sorry I need it. I wish I were someone else.”

  “I don’t Max.”

  Gratitude. Slight sadness never fully evaporates. I hate who I am. It is unfair. I am terminal. For the rest of my life this is a part of me. I have no say in this part. Feeling slightly defeated, I turn the blow dryer on and flip my head over. I get to work. Should take a good ten minutes, tops. I am anxious. I sit after and apply lotion all over my body. A compulsive behavior that is necessary.