“But-”
Ben turns on his side to me. “But what? Do you really want to watch? I will give you what you want. Except it will be how I want you to watch. You need this way more. You were sacrificing you for me when it is not needed. You don’t really want that darkness you were going to take me too. Right now, you are going to watch the most seductive, lustful, alluring fulfilling act. One I do not think you have ever truly completely seen.”
Ben gets out of bed but he doesn’t leave my room. He directs me.
“Come here.” He puts out his hand. I take it and move out of my bed. He walks me to my door closing it. The full-length mirror behind it completely visible now. Ben lets go of my hand.
He moves around my bed picking up my little ottoman seat from my dressing table. He carries it back placing it in front of the mirror. He sits sideways putting his hand out for me. I can't speak.
“Watch us. Watch us with me. See us make love. Maybe you will finally understand. Light is far better than darkness. You are my light. You are my fantasy. I hope I am yours.”
Ben pulls me towards him. I still do not speak. He pulls his t-shirt over my head leaving his hand on my back to guide me toward him. I gently put my legs around him. His knees are resting high from how short my seat is. Ben is hard already. He eases me down on him. It takes no effort. I breathe him in. I'm so deep in him this way. I have not allowed myself on top since before Lindsay came that night. I have not wanted too, but now it feels right. Ben runs his hands up and down my back.
“Look at us. That's all you have to do. Watch us. See us. Don’t look in my eyes. That you know now. Rather watch how I see you. Touch you. Watch our bodies Max. You will need nothing else ever again.”
“Ben I don’t know if I can. My body. My scars. I try all to block them out when we are one. My mind is different with you. I care with you. Everyone else I fucked with his or her minds so much I am certain they never saw me. Well not those parts of me.”
“Max watch us. You will understand. Trust me.”
I kiss Ben deep. We search one another, tasting and drinking. Ben begins lifting me up gently with his legs. It feels different, amazing. This is so very different from all the times I took him during my sole desires. He turns his head towards the mirror as he cups my breasts. Ben begins caressing gently to squeezing, pulling quickly back and forth. I put my hands behind me, back on his knees. I tilt my hips up and move them around.
“Max please, look. You are everything.”
Breathless already, finally I turn my head. Ben smiles before he buries his face in my breasts. I watch myself as I can't deny the pleasure and moans coming from deep within me. I let out each in whispers. I bow my head away.
“Don’t look away Max.”
I lean back toward him. I take Ben’s face in my hands. “Olive juice.”
“Olive juice. My love.”
I ride him slow and I watch. I see how my hips circle on him for the first time. I see what I never saw before. The flush color of love and lust across my face. I see his eyes as they look up and down my torso. I watch as how he holds my back. Gently touching my scar. He runs his fingers down the twelve-inch scar down my back, and then pushes me back so gently to touch the eight-inch scar that flows across the left side of my belly. He lifts each breast and kisses the scars, the lines that run there also.
He does this all as if he is seeing them, touching them for the first time. I see. I see it all. I feel it all. The love, tenderness and respect for my body. I am mesmerized. I turn his head back to the mirror as we are both gasping. I can't take my eyes off us. I've never watched before. For every experience I sought, this I never. I watch his eyes as he moves me up and down harder arms wrapped tight around my waist.
“Ben I am so close. Together please.”
“I know. I know your body so well. I am here with you. Don’t let me go. Don’t look away.”
I do look away I look at Ben scared. Not scared of him, of seeing this. “You are making me want to cry.”
“So cry. As long as it isn’t sadness. Just be Max.”
With his words, I let go. My orgasm powerful. My legs shake as my whole body goes weak in his arms. The wave of pleasure travels from my head rushing waves of exhilaration. I don't want it to end. I push moving against it. It's then I feel Ben. The walls within me feel transparent. I have watched him so many times. I have never seen him. Never seen us.
Neither of us yells nor moans out pure bliss. Ben smiles squeezing me tighter. I shake beyond my control. He holds me as we drown in the reality. We both bury our heads on one other's shoulders. It is then I cry. I cry, mourn the shame of my past. I cry for the secrets I hold. I cry for my present. I cry tears of happiness. I weep in the knowledge he is truly in my arms again. Ben does not speak; he is silent as I let go of all I need. All I was and who I need to be more. He simply holds me. He runs his hand over my hair. Stroking it.
It’s a few minutes before we move or speak again. Finally, he cuts the air with his humor. He will not allow me to go on like this. For me, for what is best for me right now.
“We need to get out of our bedrooms. God I honestly think I have been intimate with you more since I got back than I have been with all other women combined in the past three years. We need food, a little laughter. Let’s let go of the intensity. Besides I could not help but see those fucken heels in the mirror also and they are killing me!”
I kiss him again with a huge smile as I do. “Well so much for your sensitive side lasting!”
“Isn’t that why you truly love me? I'm becoming both sides of you Max. Who would have ever thought?!”
I smile as I climb every so slowly off him. “I'm showering before anything else.”
“What hot yoga? Making intense love! Twice no less. You don't want to let all that seep out of you and cover you any longer?”
“Quite tempting when put that way, buuuut I think maybe it's time to clean up.”
“By the way. That Thai was not terrible because of the coffee combination. It is plain terrible. Pizza or Chinese?”
“Oh, the chef with the fridge full of food wants to order in yet again. My word.”
“You kind of drained me a little. No desire to really show you up with my mad skills in the kitchen at this moment.”
“Well since we are opting for movie night. Pizza. Everything on it. A large pie. I am starving! Oh and have them deliver some of those Green Tea Snapple’s I love. Oh and two Cannoli’s. Are you ordering from Vinnie’s? His wife makes the best Cannoli’s.”
“You got it Captain. Anything else?”
“Yes please, please go put some clothes on! ‘No more yanky my wanky’ tonight.” I am walking toward my bathroom. “Quick come on! Name the movie! This one is soooo easy!”
“Sixteen Candles. How can I not know it? How many times have you seen it?”
“Not sure but good option after we watch Ted. Glad you suggested it.” I turn the shower on. Smile. What else have I been missing all my life? I step in the shower. I put my hands together. “Lord I know I do not deserve this. But please, please never let this all end.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
I open my eyes. I am refreshed. I am sleeping heavy, even dreaming again. A devilish smile envelope my lips. Last night was amazing. My best friend is back also. We laughed until it hurt. We cuddled and stuffed our faces. No sexy. No further sex for that matter. After making love as we did, I am not certain anything else could have compared in a twenty-four period. No further deep talks. No vows of unrelenting love. We were friends. The Cannoli’s were amazing! I actually had clothes on. I would like to comment we both had clothes on and it was great! We watched three movies until we passed out on the couch. Well that isn’t exactly true. I think I only made it about ten minutes into the third movie. Ben stayed up later. He then carried me to bed little after three am. I think.
He did sleep beside me again. We are solely sharing my bed. Our bed. I am happy. Wait, did I say I am happy? I am. I truly
am happy. This is so new. He told me last night ‘to wake up with a kiss is the best way of all’. I am truly letting go. I am safe beside Ben. I am no longer afraid. I couldn’t wait to fall asleep, so I could simply wake again. I want to kiss him. I can’t wait to wake him. Wake him with my kiss.
“Wait. What?” I shoot up to an upright position. “Really? I mean really. Wake you with a kiss. Well maybe I could if you were here! Really? After everything last night?” I throw the covers and scramble out of bed. I go straight for the bathroom. I know he isn't there. I can hear the television now. I catch a glance in the mirror and do a quick once over. My hair is still tight in my pony from not drying it after my shower. No wonder my head hurts. My long Maxi is actually sexy. I am glad I didn’t think so last night. Now, am I angry or am I disappointed? Those two emotions are still difficult for me to decipher. Yes, a work in progress I am aware.
I take a deep breath. I go looking for an argument or in the least very sarcastic banter. I move quickly toward the sound of our TV blaring. I'm going to ignore him first. I need my meds. Shit, I never looked to check the time. What time is it anyway? There is my prince, sprawled out on the couch. Dam half-naked! Bastard! He knows me too well! At least he has shorts on. He has a half-eaten plate of food sitting in his lap. I walk straight past him. No eye contact.
I do not look. I only hear him.
“Morning Sunshine.”
I ignore him. Turn the Keurig back on. Grab my pill bottle. Fish out my sanity and flush it down with one sip of water. Still I never look up.
“Okay. What's the matter?”
Still I ignore him. “Hmm. Italian Sweet Cream or French Vanilla? I think I'll try something different today! Italian Sweet Cream!”
He is at the bar counter, placing his dish down. Scraped clean. Whatever he ate, he enjoyed. “Italian Sweet Cream. Hmm, one of my personal favorites also. Though I'm not sure I've ever had it out of a bottle?” He smiles as he crosses around directly coming in the kitchen. I shoot him a look. At some point, I will need to acknowledge that was quite funny. He will not get that satisfaction right now.
I continue with my coffee. He leans on the entryway wall, crosses his arms... I move to the fridge. Hungry but not starving. I grab the Greek yogurt. Turn back, I continue with what I'm doing. Find the honey and granola. A bowl. I fix myself a nice breakfast. Or is it lunch? I still haven't looked. I glance over my shoulder stealing a peek at the clock on the stove. 11:42. Dam I never sleep this long! Not like me.
Ben watches me. I see a smirk out of the corner of my eye. Here comes the inquisition. “Well I would ask what is up your ass right now. But then again, we haven't gotten back to the couch again since our what, seven-day sex binge we managed?”
I grab my coffee and bowl and nudge him as I pass through our narrow entryway. “Funny.” I say without any expression. Fuck, now I can’t go eat on the couch. He had to bring that up. I set myself at our bar.
Ben walks into the kitchen and leans over the counter in front of me. “So Buttercup. What could I have possibly done that you're ignoring me right now? Last night was an extraordinary evening in every way.”
“Buttercup?” I say between a mouthful of yogurt and a scorching hot gulp of coffee. Dam! I wish I did not swallow that. Fuck! I burnt my tongue. Dammit, that hurts. A lot!
“Yes, Buttercup. Princess Bride was on. Can you believe that movie is twenty-five years old? It is still brilliant. ‘Hello my name is Inigo Montoya. Prepare to die’. Still as classic as ever.”
“Well, Westley or Dread Pirate Roberts, which I'd prefer to call you. I'm not your Buttercup.”
“Oh you're not. Really? Okay then. ‘As you wish’." Ben begins to walk away.
“And stop quoting the damn movie.”
He lies back down on the couch. He yells back with a fake lisp. "Inconceivable".
I smile into my yogurt. Stay irritated I have to tell myself. I hate when he is winning with the banter. I finish my yogurt and coffee. In spite of how burnt my tongue and roof of my mouth feel. I get up and put my dishes in the sink. As I do this Ben shuts off the TV and gets up. He doesn’t even look back. Hello! I'm ignoring you. He is supposed to be paying attention! He heads to his room. Wait! No! I follow but not to his room. I need a look to see what he is doing. Where is he going? I'm right here giving you the silent treatment. This is when men need to be more like women. Obviously if we are ignoring you, we have something significant to say!
Going into my room, I look in his as I pass. He has a t-shirt on now as he grabs his sneakers. I quick jump on my bed and grab my phone on the nightstand. Make it look like I'm doing something. Do not want him to realize I was looking in on him. A moment later, he is at my door.
“Well I'm going for a run. I'd ask you to join me but it seems you're only listening to the voices in your head this morning.”
“You’re jealous because they only talk to me.”
Ben leans pulling on a sneaker. “More like, grateful. At least I got a full sentence back this time.” He pulls his other sneaker on. “So you want to join me? Sweat off whatever is pissing you off, that I clearly have no clue about. In fact, I could not be more lost with you. Come on. Get off your lazy ass and come with.”
“Lazy ass?”
“I wasn't the one sleeping in all morning.”
“No. You are right you weren't!” I shoot a harsh look.
“Did you take your meds this morning? Seems they are definitely needed today.” Ben tilts his head with a smile. That fucken voice. Why does he have to have that voice?
“No! You did not just ask me that?”
“You are acting, well, a little crazy. I'm going to go before you breathe fire, for whatever the fuck knows why. Honestly, after everything we shared last, to act like this? I am getting pretty upset myself. This is tiring trying to figure out what could possibly be going on. Anyway, you would only slow me down. You can't keep up. I’ll see you later.”
“Oooh no! I'm acting crazy? Oooh no! You also think I can't keep up. Fuck that!”
Ben turns back around as I am off my bed. I pull my maxi dress over my head. I throw it hard on the floor. I storm over to my dresser naked. “Oh he thinks I can't keep up. I'm crazy? Really? He is going to choke on those words. Well we will see about this! Really! Ha!” My mouth is spewing every thought aloud as I pull on a sports bra, and a pair of yoga leggings. I swing my closet open. I find my sneakers quickly.
Ben’s leaning against my door. Huge grin smeared across his face. “You are so easy to rile up.”
“Really!” I grab a ripped up tee from my workout drawer. I get it over my head quick. He hates this one. I had it made. Written across my chest, ‘If Lost Please Return to Jared Leto’. I had it made years ago for my 1st Thirty Second to Mars concert. Hey, I got Jared's attention from it in the pit. Well he smiled. I was in a crowd of at least a hundred people. His smile was definitely at me though! I'm certain of it. I lean back on my bed and put on my sneakers without unlacing them.
“Can't recall last time I saw you move this fast. No, wait, that's not true. I believe it was last night on my bed. Wouldn’t you agree?”
I walk to him and hit Ben straight in the gut.
“Owe! We have moved to assault?”
“Come on. Let's do this!”
“God I love it when you’re feisty! Hope you’ve forgotten whatever I could have possibly done to piss you off!” Ben grabs our keys. I'm already at the door waiting at the elevator. “Oh you can't be serious? We are going for a run and you're taking the elevator down? That is classic. Only you, Max.”
He darts for the stairs, pushing open the door fast. I hear him off and running. Shit, with his legs he is going to fly down those stairs. Fuck, what am I thinking? I quickly follow as I hear the elevator bell ding. I am idiot. He is happy and here I am upset. Isn’t the potential of my capacity to fuck anything up evident? Last night was the best night ever. Yup, way to go Max. Only a matter of time before I knew I would fuck this up.
; Chapter Thirty
“Oh I hear you love but I'm too far ahead to see you. Be careful not to trip trying to catch me. When I lose you, which I will, meet you back upstairs in an hour or so?”
I'm moving as fast as I can. My back stops me from going full speed. Damn titanium! Whatever happened to the bionic woman? Shouldn’t I have gotten some special powers with all this metal holding me together? “Oh you won't be meeting me back anywhere! You will be opening the door for me as I stand waiting for your slow ass!”
“Oh they are fighting words. Okay smart ass!”
We hit the lobby at different times. He is at the front door. He stops for a second. “Heading to Crissy Field. Take path toward Fort Point. See you at the bottom of the bridge. Start at the East Beach.”
He is out the door. No way! Crissy Field! Why don't I ever shut up? I'm going to die. That's all. I quickly review if I submitted my last freelance piece and wonder if I ever did draft that living will. One, I hate leaving anything unfinished. Second, when I do die today, which I am certain I am going to, I did want my eyes and heart donated. They are the only two parts of me ever worth giving to another human being. Perhaps, my brain to science? Oh God, I can’t even stay on one train of thought myself. Shit! I don't even have ID or keys on me. I'm going to die on that damn path and be a Jane Doe! God dammit! Serves me right!
I plow through the lobby doors. The heat hits. Enjoy it now because the wind will hit later. How am I going to run along the bay? Running is hard enough! Yes, I am going to die. I don't go for five-mile runs! Ever! Two maybe if I am lucky, very lucky. That includes about one and a half of walking and it all taking six hours! Five miles, no! I'm fucked. I see a cab. I contemplate ducking in one, to at least the East Beach.
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