Money! I have no money! Bastard! How am I so stupid, foolish and dramatic all in one? It's been a nice life. I opened my eyes finally. I made love. Began to trust. Even enjoy giving as much as receiving. I feel true happiness. Not some fake emotion I am used to project. The man of my dreams loves me in return. This is now a full life. I suppose thirty-nine is not such a bad age to pass on, considering the life I have led. Might as well begin my descent to my new destiny.
I find a pace I know I can maintain without over exerting too much. I hope I can at least make it to the bridge. He can call for the ambulance to get me back home. Why didn't I simply tell Ben? I slept, as he desired. I am trying so hard. His last words to me before we drifted to sleep were the first words in my head when I woke. It hurt to wake up alone. Ugh! See! I fuck everything up! My damn mind! Why does love make me so insecure? Dammit, I know exactly why. Maybe I need this run. Maybe outrun my secrets. My past.
I don't even have music. Good thing for those voices in my head. At least they will keep me company. I can't see Ben anywhere. Considering his legs are a foot longer than mine are, he is probably at Crissy Field by now. I shake my head and keep moving. I move in between people on the street. I jog in place at the crosswalk as I wait for cars to pass.
“Hey Buttercup.”
I quick turn.
“You didn't really think I am going to run this ahead of you? Where would the fun be then?” Ben leans down plants a quick kiss on my lips. Light turns and he begins his jog again. “Come on! A little effort to keep up please!”
"As you wish."
“Ah my Max is still in there somewhere. Thank God!” He slows down allowing me to get to a pace beside him. He turns around jogs backwards. “Seriously. Is your back up for this?”
“Looks like we are about to find out.” I run past him. Again, I am spiteful. I cannot keep up with my own self!
“Oh it's still like that?” He catches me in two strides. Ben is not even short of breath. In fact, he laughs as he runs with such ease. “You realize this isn't yoga?”
“Of course I realize!”
Finally, we approach the path. My chest hurts. He must know I sneak cigarettes on the roof. My thigh muscles are burning terribly. I'm in heart attack mode!
“No shit. Really? Here I thought I wasn't moving my entire body but rather finding my inner strength in my eagle pose. This is all so Zen right now! Brilliant observation. Told you I loved you for more than your sheer good looks.”
“So you still love me? Well that's a relief.”
“You’re an asshole.”
“I’m an asshole? Hhhm. I am a bit taken with all the ass references today we should head back to the couch when we get back, Mrs. Leto.”
“You wish. That's right Mrs. Leto to you. Better watch out or I will get lost! This shirt explains exactly what to do with me.”
“Yes of course! Because the Oscar winning, rock star is sitting waiting with baited breath for you right now!”
“Why do you have to be such a jerk?”
“Because I watched you do it so well for many years. I learned a thing or two. Frankly you are acting like a brat.”
I try running faster. Impossible. Ben is at my side again. I turn to him, “Look can we do this quietly?”
He looks sideways at me. Not even a bead of sweat on him. “You need to concentrate on breathing don't you?”
I stop. “Oh my god! You are relentless! Seriously!”
Ben stops next to me. “Actually I'm showing you what it is like dealing with you at times. Exhausting isn't it?”
I am breathing hard. “I am not this bad.”
“No, not bad. Exhausting. I used the word exhausting. Come on. Let's enjoy the view. Do you realize how far we have run already? Adrenaline suits you.” Ben takes off at a slow and steady pace.
I realize this is Ben. Slow and steady. Reliable. Strong. Determined. Eyes on the finish line, not one single moment more. I lean my hands on my knees. Take a few deep breaths. Pick myself up and do my best to catch up to this man. This man I exhaust. Who still does what he can to run at my speed, my life. Still teach me. Be patient with me. When I catch up, it dawns on me. Emotionally, what do I do for him? He is sacrificing and doing everything for me. It has only been about me.
We run quietly, swiftly beside one another. I can't imagine how anyone can tire of the magnificent view here. The view of the most amazing bridge before me. If it can stay sturdy and strong. So shall I. Perhaps I am, escaping the destiny of a cardiac arrest today. I do feel like I may drown in my own sweat. The wind sweeps around me. It is cool off the bay. My clothes still stick to me. Feel more like, glued against me.
I view a reality; life is always continuously moving around me. People going about their lives, birds sing and the wind sways. There is beauty everywhere if you really open your eyes. Ben’s love is the most beautiful. What can I do for this man beside me? He is giving, teaching me so much. I glance at him. He is looking straight ahead. He looks consumed in thought as well. I try to focus back on running and simply not dropping dead in the process.
We run at least another twenty-five minutes before we reach the end of the path. There are concrete hands on the gate before us. ‘Hopper's Hands’. Ben slaps them. I’ve never run this far. I've never seen this before.
Ben is staring at me. “Come on, slap them. It's success.”
I roll my eyes and give him a crooked smile as I high five the plaque with two hands on the fence.
Ben pulls me into him. Hugs me. “You did it. My pain in the ass. How does it feel?”
“Like hell!” I hug him back. Then push him gently back. I am finished. I can no longer stand. I drop on the edge the path. I sit head down holding my knees against my chest. I attempt to stretch my back along with the back of my thighs at the same time. “Fuck. Ben how are we getting home?”
He sits down beside me. He looks collected. I hate him. I can feel the redness in my face. I'm drenched in sweat. He, only a slight mist covers his top lip and brow. I actually feel grateful a small portion of his t-shirt is stuck to his back. The coolness begins to hit from the wetness of my body.
He smiles at me before lying on his back, knees up beside me. “Gorgeous day isn’t it Buttercup?”
“Yes, it is Westley.”
Chapter Thirty-One
“Want to go lay on the beach? We can make up characters from the shape of the clouds, like we did when first dated?” Ben hasn’t moved from laying on his back.
“You remember us doing that all those things years ago?”
“There are many things other than our first kiss, much less when I lost my virginity that I remember very clearly about that time in our life. About you, about us. Now, I know I may not be as creative as I once was. Drinking, made me see more than was there at times.”
“I like you better sober. You don't do it often, but even few times you do, I never understand. Why do you see your sobriety in a negative sense at times? Do you think getting sober made you less fun somehow?”
“No. Wait…honestly, I guess yes. To a small degree I do. I miss partying at moments. I miss the freedom it released. Why do you love mania?”
“Mania? What do you mean?”
Ben sits up. He pulls his feet against one another, knees out. He begins to stretch his legs. I still sit upright in an almost fetal position. The pain hit long ago. I will pay for this. I am still trying to return my heartbeat to a normal rhythm.
“How do you feel when your manic, the upside, not the crashing, the mania?
I swallow my words the second they exit. “I feel high.”
“You act high. You act free. Invincible. Elated. You act as if you don't give a fuck about anything. You do not think of what will be a moment later, much less consequences of your actions. You become selfish, even careless, even reckless at moments. Most of all you act happy and free. I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. You do what makes you feel good Max. Anything or everything that makes you feel good or maybe in comple
te control. I am not always certain the difference for you. Usually, that is all that matters. That's how I felt drinking. I can't deny there are moments I miss it. Moments I long for the reckless abandonment. Max, not one day goes by I don’t fight the urge to have a drink. There are days, not one hour goes by I don’t wish for a drink.”
“I never looked at it that way.”
“You never need to. I do wish you understood I understand you better than you realize at times. I wish you would realize how much you do understand my struggles. They are not so different than yours.”
“How does it make you feel when I'm manic then?”
“Grateful I'm sober. You’re out of control.” Ben smiles.
I push him. Ben grabs me as I do. He pulls me over to him. I look into his eyes. The one’s I see, even when my mine are closed. I brush his cheek. “I'm sorry Ben. I'm sorry I'm so difficult. I know I'm exhausting. I don't know how to be different sometimes. I want to be. I can't seem to get out of my own way most of the time.”
“Wait. I'm not seeking an apology. I'm not complaining. I'm talking with you. We both have pasts and presents we deal with separately. Understand it simply takes communication. If we are going to have any chance at this, we need to communicate Max. None of the bullshit like this morning.”
“I know. You are right.” I throw my head as I lean backwards, letting go of my legs. I rest my hands on an angle beside me. I know he is right. I feel the same frustration in myself.
Ben continues leaning into his stretch. “What was it even about?”
I do not look at him as I confess. I stare into the sky. I search for a distraction instead of hearing my own moronic logic, I realize I am about to explain.
“You weren't there when I woke up. Last thing you said was for me to sleep. You whispered in my ear as you held me that the best way to wake you in morning would be with a kiss. But I woke up alone. You weren’t there for me to kiss.”
Ben pretends to bang his head against the cement. He then throws his legs back out in front of him. I feel like the asshole.
After a moment Ben grabs me gently, yet at arm’s length. “My God Max. This is exactly how you can't get out of your own way! You're right. I wasn't beside you. I was in the next room. I fell asleep holding you. I woke up before you. You were resting so peacefully. For once. You never look that way. I didn't want to wake you up.”
“But you said waking with kisses is the best way.” I try to stick to my guns no matter how stupid I am seeing even myself now.
“Holy shit! Max was this morning the only time I am going to sleep beside you. Is there something you would like to tell me?”
“No.”
“Exactly. It is a statement. Something I was expressing would be nice, at some point. Some point. I don't know when, nor am I planning it. When the moment is there, one of us can seize it. I got up to let you rest. Rest, you obviously still need, you rarely sleep to begin with. Truthfully, I was starving still from last night, considering you practically ate the entire pizza alone, as I watched in awe.”
“Stop! That is so wrong. I did not!” I hit his arm hard.
“Jesus I am joking! Again with the assault!”
“Sorry. Did I hurt you?”
He looks at me wide eyed. “Seriously?”
“Ugh!” I hit him again. He pushes me back, grasping my arms at the same time.
“Mackenzie, you are completely impossible. Perhaps I am simply as crazy as you.”
I bow my head.
“Look if I ever leave a hundred-dollar bill on your nightstand and I'm nowhere to be found. Then you need to worry or be upset, disappointed. Feel alone. It is then and only then.”
“I am only worth a hundred?” I lift my head reaching Ben's lips. I kiss him. His lips linger on mine. I taste the salt that dried on his upper lip from the sun upon us. “Sorry. I see how I am actually the asshole today. I have certainly acted that way.”
“Please we need to stop referencing that part of the anatomy, it is killing me today! As far as this morning and all this stuff, make an effort for me. Try to not think the worst all the time?”
“Do you realize who you're talking too? Remember I am my own worst enemy for God’s sake! This mutual respect and mutual control, fuck this isn't easy. Ben everyone has always left. What if you leave?”
“Oh my God, it doesn’t end! Have I not made this promise to you already? First, I am not everyone! Second, maybe people did leave you at one point in life. You cannot wholeheartedly deny you changed also. You closed yourself and left them before anyone could leave you ever again. Listen to yourself you’re still talking only about you! This isn't easy for me either. I have my own struggles, stresses, and a past also Max. I also have you! Battling you to see “us” is not easy. You are intense. Don't get me wrong I love it! I would not change a hair on your head, but we both work at this Max. Both of us. You're my best friend. We are venturing into scary waters. Neither of us knows what can and can't be. Most important neither of us, simply ever wants to lose the other in the end from what we have moved toward here. Never again let go then suddenly pull away thinking you're alone with me. Trust me more, and I'm not talking about in bed. Simply trust. I'm doing the best I can. Same as I know you are. Right now, it's enough. Period. Stop looking for things that aren't there. What is here is challenge enough. What if I have a drink one-day Max? Will you leave me?”
“Never. I would never.”
“I am not leaving either. We are enough. Five minutes Max. Five minutes at a time. I made you a promise. My word and my love is all I have to give. You are going to have to figure out a way for that to be “enough” for you.”
I grab him. Wrap my arms tight around his chest. “It is enough for me. I will try harder.”
“I don’t need you try harder for me, I need you to do it for you. Life can and will be beautiful. Stay in that perspective. Olive juice forever Max. Remember?”
“Olive juice. Forever.”
“Come on its almost four! I can actually hear your belly rumble. I am so thirsty! I may kiss you simply for your saliva right now!”
“You are disgusting.”
“I have my moments. Come on; let’s get you up because it’s true!”
“Ben I really have no idea how to get home. Everything hurts.”
“You will surprise yourself.” He stands up. Pulls me up beside him. “We walk. Slow! I am sure you can make it to the Warming Hut. We can grab some waters. Take a break if you need. Then I'll treat you to an early dinner at Pacific Catch.”
“I don't have any money! I don't even have my ID.”
“Good thing then, I do.” He pulls out a credit card from his shorts pocket.
“The halo appears! You're my salvation right now. Though look at us.” I stop looking down at how undeniable disheveled I am. A hot mess is an understatement. I am not vain, but this is bad.
“What about us?”
“We can't eat out. Ben I look like I ran to New York and back! I am going to scare people. It is springtime, not Halloween. I also definitely sweat in places today no woman should sweat. I must smell awful. I am disgusting.”
“Yes we can. We will sit outside. I just held you and you are not disgusting. Stop caring what other people think. Come on.” He grabs my hand.
We start walking back. The Golden Gate Bridge is now at our backs. Sort of feels like we crossed another bridge ourselves today. I squeeze his hand tighter. A smile escapes me without effort. Another, new.
Ben releases my hand and places his arm around my waist. He feels I am not walking upright. “Hey did you know the locals call this spot "the turning point"? Seems kind of ironic doesn’t it.”
“Isn’t that the understand of the year6.” I lean my head into Ben’s chest as we continue to walk.
Chapter Thirty-Two
I bring my other arm across me and lean into Ben’s hold more. The wind is stronger than before. He looks down at me. “Cold?”
“A little.”
&nb
sp; Ben keeps his arm around my side. “You know if we jog back, you will warm up fast?”
“You know if we jog back, you will need to schedule new back surgery for me?”
“Does this mean I can't bend you over the couch later and take advantage of you?”
“Oh you can take advantage of me later, but I will be the one flat on her back, again. You may need to hold my legs up on your shoulders. You know, keep my back completely flat and all.”
“I do believe I can manage that. Me on top again, with your legs by my head. Gives me control. Been giving it up more and more lately. Quite enjoying this.”
“Don't get too used to it. A cocktail of Celebrex, Flexeril, a hot bath and stay off my feet a day. I'll be right back to my normal domineering self.”
“I better take advantage while I can.”
We reach the Warming Hut. That was not so terrible. I may have a chance of survival. May take us until morning to get home, but I no longer think today is my day to die. In fact, I am feeling quite alive.
We find an empty picnic table. Ben is quick to direct me. It is nice not having to think at all sometimes. I so rarely do it. “Water? Sit! I'll be right back.”
I don't argue. I sit. It takes a moment to pull my legs over the bench. The pain is radiating severely down both legs. I put my head in my arms on the table. Oh, Lord it hurts. I am not only an asshole, but also an idiot! How am I getting home? I close my eyes to catch my breath while Ben is gone. I feel myself almost drift to sleep. It is the feeling of warmth on my shoulders that I open my eyes.
“What?” I lift my head up. A huge hoodie sweatshirt lay over my shoulders. I grab it. ‘I Love M&M's’? Do I say thank you or wonder if this is a fat joke after my inability to make it here and back?”
“I swear I want to hit you. And no not in the way you would enjoy it. You really an idiot. They had a $10 minimum for credit cards. You said you were cold. I bought you a sweatshirt from me to you. Its inscription happens to be fitting and amusing.”
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