Nick and I were, still are, exceptionally strong willed individuals. The silence in the car that morning was horrific. I knew what was coming. Nick would again leave. My illness was also, not fully diagnosed at the time. The insanity was only beginning to brew; sadness I never knew how to yet control.
One of the worst days of my life was that following morning. There are two days in my life that altered my future for a very long existence. That morning was one of them.
When we got to Nick’s house, all hell fell upon me. Even as clear it did seem that night before in how we both expressed, “no”, our reasons had been so very different. Nick solidified my need for control that morning. Walls. Barriers, I would never again let down. My heart was already closed to any ridiculous notions of making love. It was bullshit to me. He sadly proved me right, even about caring and trusting. There would not be ‘Hope’ again for very long time.
That morning changed so much in me. Conquests that would one day follow because of it.
I had gone upstairs to his room with him, as I always did. Suddenly it all changed, even worse than the night before. I wished for the silence in the car back so badly. Nick screamed at me. He laughed at me. He mocked me in a way, I could not comprehend a friend could do to another. He somehow made a choice to describe how horrible I was in bed, at even foreplay. He yelled so loud I can remember how my body shook. He expressed I had no idea how to touch a man. He never really wanted me. He only felt pity because I felt for him. He continued mocking me until I could not withhold my tears. Those words he expressed, they still echo in me at times. I left as asked. I destroyed, broken yet again. Pain, hurt, did not describe what I felt.
It was quite some time but he did return. I did allow him back. I always did. He wasn't sex. I needed him. He was the one thing I did not want to stop believing in. Hope. He became new eyes I saw the world. He was the one I shared my writing with, he to a writer. As much it pained me, he was honest. The world is cruel. He was both.
Because of Nick, I learned how to write my anger and sorrow. He was a foundation, an extension to where I found the place to express my true heartache. Heartache that I suddenly taught me to longer hold back and write from my soul. If that is, souls truly exist. He was my mask of suffering. He mastered my insecurities. The parts of me I felt compelled to expose in journal after journal. I finally began writing of the anguish locked in depths of me, my core, no longer simply within my mind. The part of me I had to release as much as I needed air to breathe.
Nick, a partial addiction. More so, he was the only man I still somehow trusted. Twisted. Truly. He was my best friend. One I valued purely. His lullaby to sleep always stayed with me. Truth, deep down I had wanted so badly to believe in men. I was too afraid to start over with any other man. Twisted, yes I know. We still found one another again after that. Bottom line that was lifetimes ago.
After the night, I was never to have hope again. Nick was the straw that broke this camel’s back. After that I changed, I did what I needed to do. I sought a life of control. That in itself is enough to live with.
Chapter Forty-Five
The smog hits me in the face as I exit the airport. I move toward the line for a taxi. Then, there I see my name written on a white sheet of paper being held by a man in a black suit standing in front of a black Mercedes S550. I walk over.
"Ms. Manale?"
I nod.
"Excellent.” He takes my bag from my hand and opens the rear door.
I put my hand on the door and hold the top of the window, not entering the car quite yet.
"May I ask first who sent you? I typically care to know who it is that I am be taken by. My mother did raise me not to get into cars with strangers."
"Mr. Gallo."
That cocky son of a bitch. I hadn't even agreed to come when we exchanged texts. I climb in the car. He closes the door beside me. My phone begins singing. I fish through my purse searching for the exact location it lay. My purse and its contents overflow. The things you can surmise about a woman by the contents of her purse. My life, I throw side to side until I find the phone silencing it by sliding the screen.
"Ben, Thank God."
"Hey you. Get there alright?"
"Yes. City of smog filled lost angels. I am here all right."
"Why do you sound irritated?"
"It's nothing. He had a car waiting. His arrogance is already annoying me."
"That is kind."
"No, it is cocky."
"Why? He knew you would come. He knew there is no way you can't not find out what he was talking about in his text?"
"No. One, you think there is no way not knowing will not drive me mad and two because this is a display of how he is such a control freak!"
"Don't throw stones at glass houses honey."
"Touché. Call me honey again. I like it.”
“Honey.”
“Gives me chills. I think I figured out what this is regarding. I may text him at the hotel and ask. If it is, I am going to get a massage rather than meet him. I am thinking a job offer again. He will throw money in front of me. That is why he wants a face to face. The "still happening part with or without", does still confuse me. He may have thrown that in it to fuck with me. Wouldn’t be the first time. If that's what this is all about he can seriously go fuck himself."
"May I remind you? He is paying for your room. If he is half the control freak you are, pretty certain he will show up there."
"Good let him. I will be in the spa getting a massage and putting all charges on the room he is so generously paying for."
"You're impossible."
"I don't trust him."
"You don't trust anyone."
"I trust you."
"Yes, but that took nine years in the making. Remember Max, you did trust him, and not only once."
"First, I have always trusted you. I may have lost you as a young girl, but I always trusted you. Why are you sticking up for him? You never even knew him. You still don’t."
"It is not necessarily sticking up for him. Like we discussed the other night. I am curious also. I only know of him. What you have shared, he protected you in many ways. I may not know all of your past but I gather he knows parts I do not. Hear him out. However, do not go accepting any jobs in New York.”
"Stop it. Never."
"Where are you now? Are you on the yacht yet?”
"Yes. Still docked. We are fueling up. God, this should be a good one. We had our meeting reviewing the profiles and request of the guests. Oh, they are going to be something else. That is certain. The crew are preparing, cleaning and polishing things up. I do not miss those days. I much prefer my position now. Guests arrive tomorrow. Then off to Marina Del Rey. It will be a long night. Still call me, please. I will be keep it on, even if I head to sleep. Call me tonight after you see him?"
"I don’t want to interrupt you, definitely not wake you."
"Well, I want you to. What time are you meeting?"
"He said seven."
"What time do you say? How long will you make him wait now that he knows you’re there?"
“At least an hour.”
"God, I love you Max. Shit. I am being called again. Well this should be a busy one at least. Before I go, there is one thing we haven’t discuss. What if things get well, heated?"
"What? Heated? You think I can't hold my own with him?"
"No. Possibly heated somehow romantically?"
"Are you losing your mind? Am I rubbing off on you? Ben it's not like that. It has never been like that!"
"Of course I do. But..."
"But what?"
"I can't stop you. We haven’t talked yet about this one area. Monogamy."
"You don't need to stop me because I don't want to be with anyone else. He and I were never that. There is nothing to discuss about monogamy. I'll tell you now, if it has somehow been unclear. I don't want to be with anyone else. I do not ever want to be with anyone else. Ben, I am in love with you. Do you hear m
e; I am in love with you."
"As I am in with you. It hit me on my flight. I am trying to be so supportive and I am so honored you are letting me into every avenue of life. It is he as a man I do not trust. You told me a long time ago, he returned mourning the passing of his father. He told you he had always loved you, but you did not allow yourself to consider what level he truly meant it. You despised love at the time. Wasn’t that also when you said he and his wife were becoming estranged."
"Yes that's true. But, exactly that. He was in mourning. In addition, whatever was happening in his marriage was at the same time. Ben, it had nothing to do with me. I was simply someone he once cared for. I was someone. I have never been much else. Believe me Ben, I was only someone to him. Nothing more. I was certainly not putting myself out there. I made that clear. Ben, I was fucking a woman who was an addict. I was not accepting the severity of her situation. She in complete denial, I was playing savior. It is always easier to save someone else to avoid the truth I needed to save myself."
"You were running."
"Yes. I was, from everyone including myself. Ben listen to me; it has been you since day one. I met you before Nick. You have always been the one. I love you. Believe in me, as you have asked me to believe in you. He was someone to me, when I did need to feel I was somebody. I needed him far more than he ever needed me. Yes, I will not deny I had my reasons. Yes, I hope his life is well. I care about him. I only will forever wish good things for him. God Ben, I wish you understood since I was eighteen, it’s only been you. The only one. Nick was my friend. One that did last the longest, even if off and on. He was an amazing friend at one time, but he broke me in many ways also I can’t deny. That is all very long ago. Our lives have both changed drastically. The writing with him, that is what I related to most. That is the relationship we really lost that could have been more, however it was a combustible situation. It was inevitable we stopped working together. Whatever "this" is about, hell I don't really know. We are both aware I am solely here because of my still shameful need for control driving me to find out why I am supposed to hear him out. Period.”
“What if he somehow does have some unresolved feelings in some way for you after all these years?"
"Ben, he has a new wife! A new life! Ben, I am his past! Please believe in me. I know that is not what any of this could possibly be. Ben that is not it. I know this in my gut. That's all. Now, please you have work to do. I can handle this. I will call you later tonight. Call me honey one more time. It really sounded nice."
"Olive juice honey."
"Olive juice. Forever. Only you Ben. Never let that leave your mind. Ever. It has been and shall always only be you."
Chapter Forty-Six
"Full life?" The driver’s eyes show in the rear view mirror.
"Oh that isn't even the half of it!"
The car turns into the hotel. He pulls up to the valet. He is at my door before I even finish putting my purse together again. My life scattered all over the place. I pull out a twenty to tip him. I exit the car.
"Thank you." I shake his hand and give him the tip. He shakes my hand, but quickly returns the money.
"No thank you. Mr. Gallo would never hear of it."
"Pardon me? Do you know Mr. Gallo personally?"
"Yes. I am his driver when he is in town. He is here quite often, at least every month."
"Ha! That is fantastic. Outstanding. Truly. Well, I certainly hope you enjoy his backseat conversations as much as you did mine."
"Best of luck ma'am. Between you and me, he is egotistical and controlling."
"I'm sorry I didn't catch your name. I was caught off guard when we first met."
"Ray. My name is Ray ma'am."
"Ray. You made my day. Truly. Please take this. I am certain it is not, what Mr. Gallo tips. I would like to know, you at least had a cup of coffee on me. Please, it's a small gesture. We will keep it between us."
"Thank you. That is kind of you."
I take my small suitcase and walk toward the hotel entrance. I quick turn. "Ray!" He is closing the trunk about to get in the car. "Yes ma'am."
"Are you supposed to tell him if I am here or not?"
"Yes ma'am."
That bastard! He added another half hour of waiting. "Ray, do me a favor? Tell him I requested you take me to the JW instead."
"I apologize, Ms. Manale. I have already responded to his numerous texts inquiring if you did arrive."
“Dick!” Escapes under my breath. I am certain Ray did not hear. Oh, this is going to be one hell of an evening. "I tried. Thank you anyway Ray."
"Give him hell Ms. Manale."
"I plan on it." I turn the revolving door into the impeccable styled lobby. I check in. Once complete I inquire about a gift shop.
"Yes of course. Straight through the atrium. Then take the hallway to the left, past the elevators and it will be down the next hallway on the right."
"Thank you."
I need cigarettes. This is going to be a long night. I make a quick beeline for the gift shop, still anxious to get to my room. My adrenaline is racing, yet I am exhausted. I don’t need smoke right this minute, having them will feel like enough security. I am certain by the end of this evening I will find myself drained, miserably alone with a glass of wine and a smoke.
"That will be $13.65."
"You're kidding me? Brilliant.” It is of no surprise everything is marked up in a hotel. A sixty percent markup. God Bless. Really, God Bless. This irritates me, though don’t think it deters me. I hand her a twenty. She hands me a pack of Marlboro silver and my change.
"I am required to say this is a smoke free hotel. We do have designated areas outside. I can tell you how to get to one if you wish?"
"I am aware. Thank you." I leave in search of my room wondering what awaits me next. Fifteenth floor. Considering there are only seventeen, I anticipate I am not, in a standard room.
"How exactly does he explain this shit to his wife anyway?"
My room is at the very end of the hallway. Before putting the key in the door, I quickly pray he is not in the room next to me. I enter the room and all is dark. Thank God no surprises. Throwing my bag on the king bed, I stop. Looking at it, I think of Ben. All white linens, six massive pillows. The kind of pillows you not only want to rest your head on. The kind you want to lie beside while you fall into a deep sleep, draping one leg over as your arms cradle its comfort. A down comforter rest like a cloud. One, if I do allow myself to lay down on I may disappear into its appeal. There is no doubt, on this bed lay 1500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. A devilish thought crosses my mind of stripping the bed and taking them home with me. Leave Nick to not only pick up the tab but also lose his good standing at this fine establishment. It is tempting and a quite delightful idea. Exceptionally immature I realize also, but no one said I was mature. Rather good for him, for many things I am; a thief is not one of them.
The bed looks too big to sleep in alone. I already miss Ben. Actually, I’ve missed him since he kissed me goodbye this morning. I walk to the windows and draw the curtains. Light. I turn taking the room fully in. "Dam this is a waste. Living room and all."
I walk to the bathroom and hit my leg with my hand as I do. "Of course! Why wouldn't there be a soaking tub for two? God Ben I wish you was here. Well that's that. We are going away when you get back. I'm planning it. That's that."
I find I am speaking more and more aloud to myself. When I hear someone actually speak back, this is when I will be concerned. A completely new crazy will need to be addressed.
I take my laptop out of my carry on. I grab a Perrier from the bar. I am hoping it will cost him at least ten dollars for this eight-ounce bottle. I kick off my sandals. Fall onto the couch and switch on my computer. I need to respond to work emails. It is too difficult doing it all on my phone. As my computer boots up, I hear a text on my phone. I put the seltzer on the table. I finish logging in before getting up. If only texts could have personalized tones also. I c
ould then screen my texts as I do my calls. I need to check; it could be Ben. I find my phone.
It’s Nick. "Good for seven?"
I delete the text. I am not replying. He is well aware I am here. I will be there when I decide. I bring my phone back to the couch. Before I put it down, I text Ben. Emoji lips. My phone beeps immediately. He responds with an Emoji showerhead. I smile. 'Only when you’re gone.'
He replies again with Emoji crazy face with its tongue sticking out, and 'Gotta run. Olive juice’.
Chapter Forty-Seven
I turn my focus back to my emails. Fourteen since I last checked. Five replies for work and two forwards from Steph and seven promotions. I delete the promotions quickly. Last thing I need is to tempt myself with shopping right now. I know I would enjoy it too much. I am pleased to see the response for work. Steady work, this is what I love. Now to choose which of the five I can complete as quickly as possible.
I lose myself in reviewing the research I already compiled. I reference my good friend; excel, right beside Microsoft Word, to do a quick spreadsheet with requests for word counts and payment per word. My brain is also already overflowing with new ideas. I need to get my thoughts down also. It strikes me how I might approach two of the articles I pitched. When I sit down to further work the piece, I can then dissect my initial thoughts. I immediately respond to two emails, seeking deadlines needed. Excellent. It wasn’t until my phone chimes again I realize it’s after seven.
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