Ben. 'Good luck. Unavailable for a few hours. Can’t wait to hear it all tonight. Xo'.
I can’t help but laugh. Yes, I did not intend to meet him on time, but not I will be even longer than an hour. I do need to get ready. It's been a long time; I certainly am not going disheveled. I shut down my computer while I finish my Perrier. It’s been a long day. I am grateful I brought a change of clothes. I did want to close my eyes, too late for that now.
I grab my toiletry bag and head for the bathroom. Time for contacts and make- up. I am not like other women; this I do not slave over. I mastered this task a long time ago. I do opt for a deep smokey eye with nude lips. My eyes are hard to miss with this combination. I did bring my favorite hat. I run my hands through my hair. To hat or not to hat? The sun is setting. I decide against the hat. Overkill. I run my hands again through my hair; it falls naturally around my face. This will have to do. Hell, I don't even recall what hair color or length I had when I last saw him.
Obviously, relishing in the mornings success I did not pay much attention to packing. Part of me is now wishing I had. I grabbed what I love and always reliable. I hope this restaurant doesn't have a dress code. I pull on my faded ripped Levi's. I roll them two cuffs. I slip into beige Tory Burch espadrilles and lace them up my ankles. A manic purchase, but they are so fabulous and comfortable. Who doesn’t deserve three hundred dollar sandals? I actually need to change my bra. A strapless is needed. I brought my one shoulder chiffon top. Incredible almost nude in color. It lies against my curves perfectly and I do not say that often. It flows, yet form fitting in the waist. Okay, perhaps another manic purchase above my means. It is one of my most favorite purchases ever. Since the day I bought it, it is my go to shirt. Feminine and leaves one wondering what is beneath it from its slight transparence. Of course, I want him to look twice. I still am a woman. It lay ever so slightly where my jeans begin. I am happy I grabbed my beige snakeskin belt also. Now jewelry, not a lot, but a necessity. Stacked rings on my middle finger. My gold Cartier watch, a gift from my parents on my thirty-fifth birthday. Love it. Gold hoop earrings and a long leather necklace with three gold charms hanging. My serenity necklace. I will take serenity in any form at this point.
I grab my phone and the key to the room. I don't need anything else. 8:12 p.m. Perfect. I still need to get down to the restaurant. I grab a quick glance in the mirror before I leave. It is what it is. I walk with more confidence than I see in my own reflection. A mirage. Control.
I did notice earlier on the way to my room, exactly where the restaurant is. A bit of a walk, this hotel is huge. Beautiful but way too massive. I like boutique hotels myself. Regardless, I am grateful. The longer he waits, the better.
I reach the restaurant and can’t help but notice the beauty in how the breeze flows through its open layout. At the hostess stand I give Nick's name.
“Right this way. He has been waiting.”
“I am sure he has.”
We walk through the main dining room to the outdoor patio. There are dim muted blue lights hidden in the shrubbery all around the patio. Truly quite pretty. The landscape is breathtaking. Even outdoors, the tables are covered with linens and every chair, oversized and cushioned. There are small vases on each table with a single bushel of overflowing blue hydrangea. A small votive rest on each side of the delicate vases. Stunning.
Perhaps my ripped jeans are not appropriate. Hell, this is LA everything is appropriate. It is then I see him. He is, of course at a corner table set slightly apart from the others. A smile crosses his face. He wins. I am here. Round one. It ends here.
He stands as I approach. With my wedge sandals, I am exactly his height. We stand face to face, yet again. He looks almost exactly the same as he did twenty years ago. Well that is, aside from the receding hair. Funny when I think of how it used to take him longer to get ready to go out because of his hair. All those years before, he was Johnny Depp, ‘21 Jump Street’ in the flesh. I silently thank Karma and smile.
“An hour and a half, thought two hours for sure. Good thing I changed our reservation to 8, anticipating your spite.”
I tilt my head and nod with a smirk acknowledging what he found to be so clever.
He is smiling at me. I hate how familiar it feels. He continues, "You look well, as always."
"Thank you. I see you have lost more hair."
"Still a dick, aren't you Max?"
"Always and forever. I learned from the best."
Nick steps toward me wrapping his arms around me. He hugs me tighter than I expect. "I've missed you."
I return his hug with silence, careful not to embrace him as he is me.
"God how is it, you still smell exactly as I remember?"
I push him politely back. "It is nice to see you also Nick. It's been a long time. Face to face that is." I pull my chair out and sit. He does the same. His features have definitely matured. He has not lost his looks. He is a handsome man. Even with my mocking mind, the receding hair actually gives him a different air about him. He doesn't seem resentful of it, as most men do. His style has not changed simply more expensive, higher class. Professionally he really has gone far. I will never deny I am happy for all of his success. Success I still wonder if it has progressed further.
Nick is quick to keep our conversation moving. "How was your flight? Your room?"
"Flight was fine. By the time I settled in, we were landing. Room is lovely."
The waitress appears. "Can I get you another sir?"
"Yes." I interject. "Let me guess. Kettle One on the rocks with lime?"
He lifts his glass to me. "You remember. I am impressed. I have since added a mint leaf." His crooked smile is exactly the fucken same. Yes, I wish I was getting a massage. Arrogant ass.
"Of course you have. He will have a second. Or is it a third?"
"Second dear. I haven't been waiting that long."
"I will have a white sangria."
"Certainly. I will be right back with your cocktails.” The bouncy brunette waitress jets off, having solely made eye contact with Nick. One of the many reasons I dislike LA. I must give her credit in anticipating who is truly picking up the tab. Let her seek whatever tip she thinks those long fake lashes will get her.
I place my phone and room key on the table and sit back in my chair. I cross my legs.
"No purse? You travel light?"
"No intention of staying long."
"Moe..."
"Nick you can't call me that. First, I am not that girl any longer and quite frankly, even if I were, you lost the chance of having an endearing nickname for me a long time ago."
"Why do you hate me so?"
"I don't hate you Nick. That is a ridiculous statement to even suggest." Our drinks arrive. I take a gulp not a sip.
"Then why are you so antagonistic with me?"
"You seem to always be demanding. Superior in some way. I am amusing in your eyes. You enjoy consistently make me feel foolish. It's been like this since we met. It has always been your way. Your time, your life, when you wanted something. Always you first, even if I asked for help. Especially regarding coming and going in one's life."
"I have always come back, haven't I?"
We both drink. "When are you going to understand, coming back never rectified leaving."
"Well, this is all certainly going to be even harder than I already anticipated."
"What is? What is this all about? You succeeded. Here I am. So?"
"Let's finish our drinks first. Please?"
"Nick-"
"I have a two-year-old daughter." He takes a photo out of his impeccable brown leather moto jacket. Very different from the motorcycle jacket I used to wrap myself in.
I lean forward and take the picture from his hand. "You have what? And... An actual photo? A bit old fashioned considering you have always been about twenty steps ahead with technology. A picture on your phone I could imagine. This surprises me as much as your news."
“I suppose I ha
ve grown a bit old fashioned. Some things are better to hold within your fingertips than view on a screen. This way she is always close to my heart. I mean, I am an old man now. Not exactly what I imagined at this point in life. Her name is Sophia. You knew this was Kelly’s first marriage. Honeymoon surprise!" He raises both his glass and his eyebrows.
"A two-year-old daughter, a son in college, one who should be graduating high school in next few years if I remember correctly and a daughter in middle school? You? You have four children now. My God."
I lean back with the photo in my hands. He is right. No one carries real photographs any longer. This is nice. She is beautiful. Angelic. Happy. I lean again handing him the picture. I take another huge gulp of my drink, three quarters done on an empty stomach. I need to watch myself.
"She is beautiful Nick. She has your smile. I am happy for you both. How have you been? Seriously. You started over, again? A lot to digest.”
“I am happy. Kelly is amazing. All the kids together are wonderful. We needed to move to a bigger house. Everything is good. Actually very good. I have no complaints Max. What about you?"
"You have custody of the kids now?"
"More the kids chose to live with us, not that I fought it. I have wanted full custody since the divorce. Liz has been lacking for a long time in the mothering department. Anyway. Dylan is at NYU now. So it's the five of us. We moved to Cold Spring Harbor last summer. Nice place on the water. Kelly gave up her position as guidance counselor to be home with the girls. Christian is seventeen and sporting a pomegranate Mohawk presently. Melanie, my first angel is eleven now. Still competitive dancing and when she isn't at dance she is an outstanding older sister. My life is greatly fulfilling."
I finish my drink. I need another. I never need another. I have no reply.
"You evaded my question. How about you?"
I look for our waitress. I spot her. I raise my glass. She nods. "I'm sorry did you want another?"
"No. I'm waiting until you catch up to me. I'll try again. How are you Moe?"
"My name is Max. I'm good. Things are actually better than they have ever been." I smile and switch my crossed legs. I will stay reserved, arrogant and in control also.
"Who is he?"
"Why does it have to be a he?"
"This is true. You have gone both ways.” Nick laughs as he finishes his drink.
"Let me restate that, wise ass. Why does it have to be someone? Maybe I am simply content. Period."
"If you are simply content, that is wonderful. If it has to do with a “someone”, I am even happier for you."
"Why would you be even happier for me?"
"Life is meant to be shared Moe. Yes, I'm going to continue to call you Moe. That is who you are to me. Who you will always be. You can change your hair; look different every time I do see you. You will still be Moe. The hair sparked it once but the personality solidified it. You can run but you can't hide."
The waitress sets down my drink. Again only locking eyes with Nick. God Bless. Honestly. "Would you like another sir?"
"No, I am alright for now. Could you bring us a bottle of San Pellegrino please?"
"Absolutely. Can I get either one of you something to eat?"
I try to speak. I am cut off by Nick. "We will have the sushi boat. Please have them add a few additional Samurai rolls. Low sodium soy sauce only."
"Excellent. I will put your order in right away." Again she doesn’t walk, but almost bounces away. I may need to call her Tigger.
I am agitated. "What if I didn't want that?"
"You have a voice. You would have spoken up. Shy, you are not my friend. Why would you like me to get you something else? You love sushi."
"You’re a dick."
"Always and forever, same as you. So, as I was saying. I believe life is meant to be shared. Why did you refuse to come to my wedding? I know you are doing well for yourself. I keep an eye on your publications. I did also volunteer to fly you back."
"You’re fucking kidding me right?"
"Which part?"
"Both."
"I am serious about both my inquiry and my statement."
I hold my drink tighter in my hands. My pulse quickens by the second. He infuriates me still. "Nicholas James Gallo, stay out of my career. As far as your wedding, we are not going there. It simply was not appropriate." I lessen the hold on my cocktail and drink, hoping to quench my thirst rather than the desire to reach across the table and punch his overbearing self.
"One, I will continue to read any and all pieces that are published through Malburn. Two, despite who we are to one another, I am accepting of the fact our lives went in different directions. I still found happiness. Why would you not wish to share that with me?”
"Nick, some parts of us deserve to be in the past and stay there. That day was your future, not your past."
"You still smoke?"
"What do you think?"
"I will bite. You do not admit that you do, however you have no issue sneaking one when needed.” Nick stands, abruptly taking me by my hand at the same time. He pulls me up and begins walking me to I am not certain. He has no regard whether or not I wish to go where he is leading.
"Nick, what are you doing?"
"Christ! Come on. We both need a goddamn cigarette before this continues." He continues pulling me quickly in between the many other tables.
‘Before this continues?’ I suddenly realize, God Damn him, he has done it again! We have yet to touch on why I am here! Oh, God I do hate him! His time, how he wants things! It has not changed. "Our drinks, the food? I am hungry. Dammit. Wait... my phone!"
"No one is going to touch anything believe me. The food isn't even ready yet. Come on."
"Like you are giving me a choice?"
We pass fake lashes herself, with his tight grasp on my hand. "Kindly watch everything for us dear. We will be right back. Lung cancer is calling." He hands the waitress a fifty-dollar bill.
"Did you give her a fifty? Are you kidding me? There are starving children in this world that could use that more than she can!"
"Yes. This way you won't worry about our table, my sudden Mother Teresa."
"Christ what are they paying you now?"
"A lot. There are other things. Other things Moe."
We walk along a lit path on the side of the hotel. The sun has set. It is hard not to again notice the lighting and landscape all around us. We arrive at a gazebo like set up. Round covered wood awning. All white with ivy intertwined in the cross-stitch wood planks. Very old fashioned, considering how modern the hotel is. There are two benches and three sand ashtrays. We are alone. Nick sits while getting out his cigarettes. He hands me one as he takes one for himself.
I can’t help but smirk. "Parliament? Well I guess it's better than the Marlboro Red shit you used to smoke."
He lights mine, then his. "You smoked Camel lights! My God it didn't get worse than that!"
"Actually, when I switched to menthol it did."
We both laugh. For a moment, the intensity lessens. Thank God. It is actually nice sharing a smoke. It’s reminding me of the simple nights up in his room so many lifetimes ago. We would sit for hours and smoke and talk to one another contemplating everything, anything. Those are the memories I value the most. Those were comfort. Nick breaks me from my thoughts. I am relieved. I think I may have been smiling.
"What do you smoke now? When that is, you're not actually still smoking?"
"Marlboro, but lights or silver whatever they changed it too. Does Kelly know you still smoke?"
"Christ no! Are you kidding? My dick would be on a platter. So who are you sneaking from?" Nick inhales and then is quick to tap the ashes from his cigarette.
"Who said I was sneaking?"
"You didn't disagree earlier. Jesus, are you going to respond to all my questions with a question?"
I push Nick with my shoulder. “Why is it bothering you?”
Nick turns his head towards me as I cross my le
gs and inhale again.
"Alright I will stop. There is a certain pleasure in fucking with you Nick." I can't help but laugh as Nick rolls his eyes before turning to stare back at the cobblestone beneath us.
It is then I reply with an answer not a question. "Ben."
Nick’s eyes look like as though they may fall from their sockets. “Ben? Ben? Ben as in your roommate? That Ben?"
Again agitated. Damn him! "Yes. That is the only "Ben".”
Nick hasn’t even looked up at me. "You say his name as though you are no longer only roommates?"
I take a long drag. Well this should get interesting. "That is correct also."
Nick leans forward placing both elbows on his knees. "Are you fucking joking me? It is insane enough that you both live together!"
"What? No. Why would I? Don't you want to be happy for me? You expect me to be happy for you. What is wrong with you? You say it like it is such a bad thing?"
Nick immediately lights a new cigarette with the one he now finishes in a single long drag. "Another?"
"Sure.” I suddenly believe it’s needed. I press what is barely left of my cigarette into the sand ashtray standing beside us.
"Does he know you're here?"
"Of course he does. Does Kelly know you're here?"
"Yes she does."
"Yes, business. Of course, she knows. Did I make it onto your itinerary with her?"
"She is well aware I set up for you to meet me here. That I was hopeful you would accept. She, like I found out earlier you did. More importantly, how long have you and Ben been together?"
"Nick, really? It is none of your business."
He half turns to me with one elbow still on his knee. "Moe! Fuck! After all this time. You are both together. I mean together, together! Jesus how did that even happen?"
"Nick! What the hell does that mean?" I am completely in awe of him.
He finishes his cigarette, pressing it hard into the sand. He stands and turns in front of me. "Are you happy?"
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