I Walked With Her

by Lisa Barrington

  "Very. More than I thought I could be. More than I thought this life would ever let me be."

  His whole demeanor changes before me. He leans over and kisses my cheek. "That's all I ever wanted for you. We should go back. I am sure our food arrived."

  We walk back quiet. His head is bowed the entire way back. He appears deep in thought. I have no desire to question regarding what. I already shared more of myself than I had originally intended on doing. I am grateful when I see fresh cocktails are awaiting us at the table. False lashes covered my phone and key with a bowl placed upside down. Even folded a napkin into a flower placing it on top. Clever. So that is what a fifty gets you in this town?

  The sushi boat did arrive. Huge is an understatement. It looks inviting. I have not eaten since the small Greek yogurt I had for breakfast. The alcohol is hitting me, straight between the eyes. I need to eat. I cannot touch my drink, as much as I wish too. I need to get food in me. For now, I will have to drink the seltzer.

  Nick pulls out my chair. I half smile, acknowledging my thanks as he asks, "I am famished, you?"

  "Quite."

  He is at his seat, but pauses looking at me. "Are you cold? Since the sun set, it's gotten cooler. I will never understand California weather. Do you want my jacket? May feel warm like it once did."

  I open my napkin and place it across my lap. I sit closer on the edge of my seat. I cross my legs again; my posture is better this way. I take a drink of my Pellegrino then lift my chopsticks. I am not cold, I am feeling warm still from the alcohol, I am far from used to consuming.

  "I never wore your jacket for its warmth. I wore it, because it was yours. At the time, that is who I needed to be. Yours. I am fine, thank you." I place a piece of spicy tuna roll in my mouth. I do not try to be ladylike while eating sushi. There is nothing demure about eating sushi. Not if you actually want to enjoy it.

  For a moment Nick looks defeated as he sits down. He is staring at me as I am eating. He looks sullen. "Do you have regrets Moe?"

  A sudden dark feeling rushes over me. I push the sushi down hard in my throat. I cover my mouth with the napkin as I do so. “Why are you asking me that?" Forget the seltzer. I pick up my cocktail, overflowing with fruit. Again, I drink. I cannot recall the last time I finished two cocktails, much less began a third. Continue eating I tell myself. Before I do I first need to understand his question further. "Nick why did you ask me here? Truthfully, the only reason I even came was you wrote something was happening regardless of me seeing you. I am more a control freak than you are. I prefer to chase bulls rather than run with them. Tell me why I am here. It’s time."

  Nick had begun eating as I spoke but my words immediately changed things. He pushes his plate forward wiping his mouth. Taking his drink, he sits back. "Please eat a little more. Then we will talk. Please we are both drinking on empty stomachs. I should have ordered food before our drinks."

  "What if I don't want anymore?”

  "Come on Moe? Please three more pieces and we will talk. I will answer all of your questions."

  "You are a controlling bastard you know that? I am going to eat more. Thank you. Not because you said I need to, because I am aware I need to!" I dip another piece of yellow tail in my soy sauce. Open my mouth extra wide to fit the entire piece in my mouth.

  "Moe, however you want to say it. You need to eat before we continue."

  With my mouth filled with cream cheese and salmon, I mutter. "Don't start with your controlling shit."

  Nick stays silent. I continue eating now, solely to spite us both. Nick finishes his drink. Finally, I throw my napkin on the table. "Happy? Now start talking."

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  Nick puts his drink on the table. He reaches into his coat pocket. He takes out an envelope, the same pocket the picture of his baby girl rests. He slides it in front of me. "Open it."

  I take the envelope and actually do as I am asked. Anything to seek resolve and leave. My eyes widen. I am holding a forty-nine-thousand-dollar check made out to me. I look up. "I knew it. God damn it Nick. I am not going to go work for you.”

  "It's not about a job Moe...Mackenzie."

  "Oh, now you use my name?”

  Nick rubs his face. "It's is your portion of the advance."

  "Advance? What? You're an editor for Christ Sake! Complete thoughts only. What are you talking about?"

  Nick bends over the side of his chair picking up a book. He places it before me. It lay in front of me like an offering. It lay upside down. Fear begins to fill me. Even outside, in the open air I feel as though I cannot catch my breath. Anxiety overtakes my body.

  "I'm sorry Max. I'm not sure what to say. I’ve thought of this moment a million times. I've had a million different speeches. Now I have nothing. It’s your story, it needed to be finished. I finished it."

  "What?" I can feel my face mold in confusion as I utter that one single word. I leave his face and look down before me. I turn the book over. The front cover is a photograph of an open notebook. A Cross-pen lay on the paper. It lay sideways besides the title written in a man's penmanship. I run my fingertips over it all. I can't take my eyes off the title.

  I know this pen. I gave the same one in the photograph as a gift to Nick on his birthday when we first met. I know this sloppy cursive. I’ve witnessed Nick's handwriting thousands of times before. The title feels three-dimensional. It doesn't seem to lie on the cover. It is floating in the air between us.

  'I Walked With Her'.

  I am not sure how much time passes. I am paralyzed. Finally, I look up at Nick. He is silent looking down. I taste the tears escape, I wish so much to not show. "Nick look at me. What have you done?"

  Slowly Nick raises his head to meet my confusion. He looks as afraid as I do. "I told your story Moe."

  I open the cover seeking its publishing date. "This was published last month Nicholas. How many are in circulation? Nick what have you done?"

  "It's set up for distribution next month. Max it's your story. It needed to be finished. I never stopped working on it. I've wanted to tell you a thousand times, but then it wasn't complete. It wasn't finished. I didn't know how to tell you."

  "I'm sorry, am I dead and I don't know it? I certainly feel alive sitting across from you! My story isn't fucking finished! Are you fucking kidding me? Nick tell me this is a cruel joke! Please tell me that! This check! What is this for?"

  "A portion of the advance. A percentage based on what you did write. I included parts from when we wrote together. It’s in there. There will be more. With full rights, I negotiated thirty percent of royalties of the book. You will be receiving more."

  "Like Hell I will! I push the book and the check back at him. I grab my phone and room key as I get up to leave.

  Nick grabs my arm. "There is more Max. I need you to stay. Please."

  "More? More than you thinking you have rights to my life! Ownership over my experiences! Somehow a presence over my existence! Go to hell!"

  "I swear to God Max; you are here now! I will make a scene like no other to make you stay. Now put your ass back in that seat! There is more! Sit the fuck down!"

  I search for our waitress again. We both catch one another's eye. She hurries over quickly. She looks directly at me this time. Good choice because my wrath at this moment is unprecedented. "Yes, can I get you anything else?”

  "We would like a bottle of Patron and two shot glasses."

  "Max!"

  I am being reprimanded with a single word. My own name. I will not be told what to do.

  "I am sorry did you say something Nick? We will have that bottle love. It will go on Mr. Gallo's room tab, thank you. You can also take this away dear. We are done. You may also want to quick touch up your mascara, one lash is coming undone."

  I motion toward the sushi as she looks at Nick searching for what to do. Our conflicting responses seem to have caused her a bit of uncertainty. Finally, Nick nods. She clears the table as I sit back down. I pull my chair in. My legs
begin to shake. I do not want him to see. What else can there be? I am frightened. I will not show any further emotion. Control Max!

  I spoke slowly so I am clear and show my control. "I am going to hurt you severely. I am going to torture you slowly and as God is my witness, I am going to enjoy every single moment of it! Who do you think you are? You are not God, as much as it appears you think you are!"

  Nick moves to the edge of his seat, "No! I was once your friend! For every single story, that has ever crossed my desk and I have seen a lot, your story I've always looked for. It was never there! I have read about so much life experience. I have experienced much myself, none as different as yours. Do you know how many women this can touch? How many women may face one, if not more of your challenges? You can help people with your story. This is going to be talked about Moe! Don't you see?"

  "Not every story is meant to be told! Christ this is why I walked away from you! You wanted us to write about topics I did not! Parts of me I didn't want opened!”

  Our tequila arrives. Shots are poured. I slam the harsh alcohol down hard. I pour a second, immediately drinking it too. The burn rests in my chest. I try to chase it with what is left of my sangria.

  "Slow down. Have you eaten anything else today? Jesus! Are you still on medication?"

  "Let's see? None of that is any of your fucking business!”

  "Fine, do what you want. At least wait to get yourself totally fucked until we are done!"

  "Oh we are done!" I flip my glass upside down.

  "No! We aren't!" He sits up further slamming the book back down in front of me.

  I can feel heads turn. I do not dare look. I am not concerned with the attention. I am trying with all my will to stay in control. Keep my composure. He is breaking me yet again.

  "I hate you."

  "Well you are going to hate me more very soon! Open to page forty-seven."

  "No."

  "Open the fucking book Max!"

  "You egotistical, controlling Dick. Fine!"

  I open the book. I fumble to the page. Every ounce of air has retreated from my lungs as I read. There will be no control. No control on my behalf. Tears do not fall. A well runs over.

  "How do you know this? I never told you about this?" I barely am able to speak above a whisper.

  Nick is upright with his hands moving quickly as he speaks. "That night, that fucking night! When Kim and I made you burn your journals. Your depression had gotten so severe Max. You kept reading everything over and again but you would not tell us what was making you so sad! You wouldn’t show us-no forget- us, you wouldn’t show me what lay within those pages. We wanted you to let go of what was causing you such pain. Let it become a memory. Stop living it! God I was a prick! I did love you, but in a way, I was capable to love! It was not the same as you! I don't know, I couldn't admit it! I was afraid of you! You were all over the place! That night with the journals, you were so sad, you didn’t even move as we gathered up all your notebooks. You stared straight ahead. You watched the flames, not me. You didn't see."

  I can’t stop shaking my head. "No... no. You couldn't have. You wouldn't. Oh my God, you took them didn't you? You took my journals. You took my thoughts. You took me without permission?"

  "I did Moe."

  I sit back in my seat. The earth’s rotation I am certain has sped up. I can feel it. I am falling off the wall; again. "Stop calling me that! What else that I never shared is in here? What else?!"

  All strength leaves me. My heart feels dead. The fear I finally released myself of only hours before. Death now rests on my shoulders. Laughing. Waiting.

  "I know about the surgery, why you most likely have not had children. I am so sorry Moe."

  "You never really loved me? You don't do this to someone you love. Even when your father passed away, what was that? You held my secrets! That was guilt, nothing more." I look directly at Nick. I want him to feel the pain he is inflicting in me.

  He is now calm and reserved. He appears almost cold as if he has a right to be angry with me. He sits back further and crosses his legs. His eyes speak as much as his words. “No, it was the truth. It was finally the truth. All the secrets I had come to know were moments I had not been there beside you.” He shakes his head over and over as he continues, “My God Max, I was physically beside you. I never knew the truth of what you faced. The moments I could not make better. Things I didn't understand. God dammit Moe! Your second back surgery of three wasn't back surgery. I was in your bed. Me, I was there watching movies the day after with you. I helped take care of you. Why couldn't you tell me? Me? Jesus you were having, Christ what was it called? God damn it, I can’t think now.” Nick closes as he thinks.

  I lean forward; with my elbows on the table, I hold my chin. I need help to stay stable. I turn my head away from him as I reply. “Cervical conization…”

  “I didn’t even know what the hell that was until I did my own detective work. There was no Google that was for sure. I had no fucking clue about any of that. All because of that piece of shit I know was using you. The one supposedly “teaching” you. Pleasure and control. Fuck, Moe! Severe dysplasia? Sexually transmitted for Christ sake. Precancerous stage. You were reckless Max! How exactly was the HIV test alone at that clinic? You described waiting for results as agonizing. That I remember. Do you recall how you described the waiting room? The poster, what did it say? The one of two people with maybe hundreds of other people beneath them with the title, 'Meet the other hundred people you have had sex with last night'. We were in a God damn epidemic back then! You don't think I would have gone with you! I was there for you! Me! I was there for you every day. I'm the one who held you! I'm the one who you fell asleep with the phone beside your ear to you every night. Why didn't you trust me?”

  I turn my head back to face him. I am torn and tired now, but mostly I am enraged. "Trust you? I had trusted you! You brought me hope. Until it is, you became the same! You wanted me to continue to trust, you? The person who came in and out of my life. The person who used my feelings when it was convenient, when he wished? The person who physically threw me across his lawn because I told you I loved you? Perhaps you are referring to the boy who sat beside me and told me of Liz's pregnancy uttering the unthinkable words, "this baby should be in your belly." Which my God you knew it all already! You had to have! You had my journals by then. You knew then, my fertility questionable or difficulties if I did get pregnant. If my body would even carry a pregnancy! Learning it all at 22!"

  "Moe, I've always come back." He leans forward and puts his hand on the table.

  "Yeah Nick, you always do. All for your own reasons. What else is in here? What else-"

  I stop mid-sentence. Oh, God he must know. No please. I will somehow deal with everything else coming out. Please no. I deserve the life I finally have. I finally believe I deserve it.

  Nick takes the Patron, pours himself a shot. Downs it. I am now certain he knows. He is already bowing his head as he places the shot glass down. I am now shaking. It feels like forever before he speaks to me again. Finally, Nick looks up. His voice is low. "Does Ben know?”

  "No. Oh, God please no. Nick, please?”

  Nick leans closer into me at the table. With his hand tight around the napkin, I can see his fingers clench. "It is Max. Why couldn’t you tell me? I remember him suddenly there in the club. You held me so tight, yet you couldn’t take your eyes off him. You were still in love with him. When we first met, you never even told me you lost your virginity to him over a year before. You had lied and told me it was some guy in high school, who meant nothing.” Nicks shifts in his seat, “I do remember that night! You left with him that night. What he did to you? How are you with him? Max? Do you understand what Ben did? You told me that night was nothing! You simply drove him back to the academy! But that is not what happened! His room! He held you down Max. He forced you. The cement floor. The pillow over your face, so no one could hear you. Jesus Christ Max! So what! You kissed him! He raped you
Max! He got you pregnant!” Veins are protruding from his neck as he slams his hand down on the table. “Why didn’t you tell me? Then the car accident! Do you know how scared I was after that accident! Your back injuries from the accident. Holy shit though Max, you miscarried a child because of it! You held a baby inside of you. His! How can he not know? To think, this was all before that fucken dysplasia all happened! And now?” Nick grunts as he sits back and tries to pull the cloth in two before pounding it against his legs.

  Tears run down my face.

  He leans his head back and runs his hands from his forehead to the edge of his skull. “Fuck! Do you realize the insanity alone that you live together? Why? How? Max what he did! I have stayed silent for so long!"

  I simply cry. I whisper. I never leave Nick’s eyes that are looking now through me. "I am well aware. He knows none of it. He never will. He wasn't sober. He is now. That is how. The why, is none of your business. He is not the same person. It’s not, as you disgustingly described it. He had no idea what he was doing that night. You don’t understand he never meant to hurt me. He never meant for any of it Nick.” I use the napkin to wipe my tears. I take a deep breath before going on. Rage returns. “It is my cross! God Damn it! Do you have any clue what have you done? Nick this is my life! My life!"

  I lean forward again and put my face in my hands. Nothing feels right. I feel dizzy. I feel angry. I feel scared. My chest hurts so much. An anxiety attack is approaching.

  "Does he know now? You must be lying Max! Jesus Christ! You have lived with him, shared a home for how many years? Tell me he knows everything now. His twelve steps. Amends is a part of it! You want me to feel worse! Is that why you are denying he knows? How can he not know? Jesus Christ Max!"

  My head spins more. The alcohol definitely is running through my system at full speed. It no longer matters. I need more. Numbness. I want to disappear. I need a cigarette. I take the tequila and pour another shot.

  "Moe! Stop! Don't drink anymore, please!"

  "Don't call me Moe and stop fucking telling me what to do!” I throw the shot back against my throat. Its burn is not as severe this time. I put the glass down. I grab my phone with my room key. I take Nick's cigarettes that lay on the table. I get up and walk away. He’s ruined my life. My legs feel numb. I am uncertain how I am not falling.