I Walked With Her

by Lisa Barrington

  "I do watch a bit of HGTV actually. I have seen one or two shows." I reply to Nick as I turn my eyes back off into the infinite appearance of the ocean.

  “From there Ryan opened his own contracting business. Eve, you remember my younger sister?

  “Of course. I remember they both lived at your house. It used to blow me away they were living together under your parent’s roof sharing a room at seventeen. I had a curfew at seventeen.”

  “I know my mother was nuts. Not nuts like you, but still nuts. Eve got her real estate license. The three of us, I only a silent partner; a very prosperous company was born. An immensely successful one. At this time, Liz knew none of this. My goal in this all was to financial secure my family for a time when I possibly walked away from editing to pursue writing on a full time basis. This of course, before I began at Malburn. Having three children to provide for, give them what they desire, along with the daunting anxiety over the cost of their future educations, one can feel overwhelmed. So... I began reinvesting fifty percent of all profits I benefited from that company. I never once touched my salary from editing; this was all from the real estate endeavors.” Nick slows us down and with a heavy sigh, I look to him, there is more.

  Wow, I thought my absence in abandoning the entire world was daunting. This world is confusing. It is twisted. Truly. I find now, I cannot take my eyes off him. I hold his hand tighter.

  He continues. “One of the other many secrets I never shared with you and Christ you are going to be upset again. I’ve known all about your inheritance. I knew you never recalled. One night, one of the very few nights you ever drank. We were at Malibu. You slammed four shots of Vodka in about fifteen minutes. You would only ever do those ridiculous lemon drops. It was about three weeks after your grandfather passed. You slipped up, I guess. You said one thing that stuck with me. You said, and I cannot quote it, but you told me how if you wanted you could buy this club thanks to good ole Maximo. You could buy most anything now but you will never will because you do not trust yourself with all he left you. You gave it all to Sal. It will be one thing you do not fuck up. Then amusingly enough you darted off to dance. I never forgot, nor did I ever bring it up again with you.

  I knew you grew up wealthy Moe. Your father is a very successful man. Being what I feel an intelligent man myself, I knew it had to be your father who obviously placed you in the correct hands to handle your inheritance. I assumed the same man or men who handled all of his own. Sal. So, when the time came I needed to be more aggressive with what was simply sitting in a bank account, I contacted your father. He introduced me to Sal."

  "You’re fucking kidding me?" I am amused, not annoyed. There truly are no boundaries. Is there no place this man shall not go? I consistently find myself in awe.

  "Yes! The control begins! You and I have the same financial planner. Sal Bonavita is phenomenal. What an incredibly intelligent and versed individual in personal finances. He too, has made me a very wealthy man, same as he has made you a silently absurdly wealthy woman. You can also thank your father, because it is due to that contact that I also found you when you tried to disappear to Florida."

  I smile as I turn my head to the path ahead of us now. "You seriously never cease to amaze me. You have incredible gall."

  "Why because I copied your brilliance? I lived off my own salary like every other Joe for a very long time. I simply chose in addition to make a few wise choices. Moe, we all carry our own secrets and deceptions. You of all people know this best about me. I, like you, chose to allow my money to make money. I find it to be a fantastic thing. At that point in time I had not achieved the position I have now within Malburn. It was half the salary back then."

  "One, you did not copy some brilliance. Not being able to trust in myself, is not brilliance. Second, money does not make its own money. Sal, through his incredible knowledge investing in ever changing markets, made money with my money. How long have you known my net worth? You realize I only found out shortly after Ben left. How did you find it? One thing I am aware, my relationship with Sal is confidential. As far as you, I do not want to know what you are now worth. I am not asking either because I am angry. I am more amused you called my father. He hated you. I am also curious regarding your rather continued devious ways."

  "As far as your father, he warmed up to me when he heard I was educated and wasn’t still in a motorcycle jacket, but rather quite successful and a "family man". Regarding finding, well everything, everything I wanted and needed to know about you after Los Angeles. I hired investigators. I am not proud of any of it. It honestly was not to invade your privacy Moe.”

  “Not, invade my privacy? Are you certain about that?’

  “I had to know you were alright. I was prepared to help financially. I feared your depression. I feared you taking care of yourself. Right, wrong or indifferent I had to know it all. I destroyed your life.”

  “I will accept what you are telling me. I am not going to flip out. Maybe I am so twisted, part of me is grateful. I know how extreme you are. My home now, did you only know of its address or how far did you really go?

  “Come on Moe. Please don’t torture me.”

  “Spill it Nicholas.”

  “Really, my full name? Fine. You are not going to flip?”

  “Nope. For once I am genuinely amused by you.”

  “I am taking your word on this. I had photos of this home. After finding out where you were, finding the prior listing on this home was cake for the investigator.”

  “You are in Los Angeles often. Ray ever drive you here?”

  “Moe?”

  “Go on Nicholas.”

  “Jesus, yes. Yes, we have been here before. I saw you once, four months ago. I had Ray rent a Jeep and we followed you to Santa Monica. It was by chance, we even caught you leaving the house that day. I only wanted to see where you were really living. Ray, well he voiced his opinion the entire fucken car ride. You bought the old Milk Jug on your dining room table that day. I never allowed one investigator to take your picture. Seeing you that day, I don’t know Moe. I didn’t want to stop. You walked in a daze. You looked so sad. I wanted to go to you. I knew I couldn’t. Instead, I stayed back and I watched. That was the day I was grateful for my world crumbling.”

  "So did Liz ever find out about the money?"

  “You aren’t going to say anything about what I just told you.”

  “No. No, I am not. It is what it is. Please go on, I would like to hear the rest. I told you this is not the Max show.”

  "Alright. I am sorry. I know all I ever do is say that to you. My intentions this time really were pure.”

  “I understand Nick, honestly I do. Please go on.”

  “No, Liz never knew of any of it. I actually kept it all in my mother’s name from day one. It never showed in my assets. After the divorce settled and her alimony set, only change I even made then, my mother and I made it a joint account and me the sole beneficiary. I did also have Sal set up trusts for each of the kids. They do not know any of this. They are only aware their educations are completely paid for and they are to each receive a new car upon their 17th birthday. Dylan actually declined, preferring rent payments for a studio in the city while he is at NYU. I did not object. I am very proud of him.

  Getting back to Kelly. At first, part of me did have my guard down with her. I was open about everything. She stood beside me with every fight Liz still came after me with. She was still overly curious about my earnings, savings, how much, what 401K? How much did the real estate company earn? Even how much I anticipated the book could earn; all of it. I was open, but not completely all of it any longer, however still more than I should have been. So open Ryan, the only person aside from Sal who knew my true worth tried insisting on a prenup. A fucken prenup? I was getting married for the second time, it sure as fuck was not to get divorced again."

  "Do you want to walk a bit now? Why don’t you tell me the rest later? The veins in your neck are honestly bulging. I swear no sarc
asm."

  "No. I want to finish this. Kelly knew what this book meant to me. I suppose in hindsight it was what drove her to act quicker than she intended. She had me by the balls. Actually, she tried to fucken cut them off. I think it was about two weeks before the book’s release. We went out one Friday night, as we did every week. We had hired a nanny for Sophia also. Kelly was already slowly becoming distant with my kids. She even started showing interest in going back to work. Some shit, the guidance counselor was failing miserably. Her replacement supposedly wasn't giving the kids enough attention. The school needed, wanted her back. I was surprised she always talked about being a full time mom. How important being with Sophia was, in the least until she started kindergarten. She was fully aware we did not need a second income.

  Anyway. We go to dinner like usual. Sushi in fact! Here you thought you were the only one who no longer ever wants to look at it again."

  I push Nick into the water a few steps. It takes it without even a glance of annoyance. It seems he is a mission to finish this. I need to respect this in the best way I can. This is all a tremendous amount to digest. I still fight to deal with things that are intense by using humor to break up the seriousness at actual hand. It is not working that way.

  Nick is very serious now. "We are eating and enjoying some Saki. Suddenly, she pulls out an envelope from her pocketbook. Places it next to me. I am like what the fuck is this? Something yes, I am aware you know a little bit about. So don’t shoot fire from your eyes when I say that. Karma is a bitch and her name is Kelly. Right then, my wife of barely three years, the mother of my gorgeous daughter presents me with divorce papers. She even continues to eat like nothing out of the ordinary is happening. A complete straight face.

  Obviously, I stopped eating. She is lucky we were in a public place. The vile words that I wanted to spawn from my mouth as I read through the very well drafted, itemized divorce papers would have gotten me arrested. She continued sipping her Saki and nonchalantly asks me to sign them and return them to her fucken lawyer as soon as I can."

  "Oh, Nick. No! You’re lying?"

  "Ah! No, I am not. Then the fucken bitch even tried to get half of everything! She knew the book was going to make a lot of money and she suspected my true worth. Well enough of it."

  "Did she? Get half that is?"

  "Are you kidding me? Come on! You know me by now! I am relentless and can be heartless! I went after her with guns blazing. She had a story. Moe, what am I good at? Editing a story until it best suits me.”

  “No shit?”

  “Touché. Let me finish before you attack. I hired lawyers and private investigators. How do you think I found out, I was meant to be sperm donor number ninety-three with a wallet to spare? She never told me. I dug it all up. Every adoption agency forms she filled out. Every single application with her credentials, desire for a child and supposed capacity to be an incredible strong single mother. Every sperm donor she viewed and requested further information on. I even had every nanny re-interviewed. As smart as she thought she was, she inquired solely about being there for the Sophia. Their flexibility and adjusting solely with her schedule and possible time away on weekends. Really? Fool! Having her computer stripped down to every history files she thought were forever gone. Now, you know my love of technology. I enjoyed all I found on her laptop most. Emails. Letters. Every excel sheet she had the balls to keep track of “our money”. Nothing is gone forever. I will tell you that."

  “No shit?”

  “Again! Fuck, I am sorry. God damn it.”

  I stop us. I sit down on the beach and pull Nick beside me. I rest my head on his shoulder and wrap my arm around his. "I am sorry Nicholas."

  "Me too Moe. I never saw it coming. You know what I cannot get past. Honestly, people suck. I know this because I have been one of them for so many years. It is Sophia though; I hate not coming home to her every day. It kills me. I never in a million that at this age, that part of my life would begin again. It is crazy, I didn’t think my heart could hold anymore love than I have with Dylan, Christian and Melanie. Then, Sophia came along and God your heart somehow only expands more. It is the most incredible feeling, love ever in life."

  I lift my head and kiss his cheek. Then rest my head back on his shoulder.

  "I can only imagine Nick." A new song begins as we sit silent, both staring out into endless view before us.

  Plumb, ‘Damaged’. My soundtrack never seems to end.

  Chapter Sixty-Four

  Tears fill my eyes. I do not allow them to move any further. I swallow hard my truth yet again. Damn sitting in the sand. Curse it. I will forever only imagine. I will never know what that ache feels like. My heart expanding so and understand such love. An ache I actually do long for. I will never know. This still is Nick's moment. I want to respect it. This is his pain. I will not allow mine to surface here, not now.

  "So where do things stand now?"

  "Well I sold the house in Cold Spring Harbor. I bought her a small but very nice house in Rockville Center. Not for her, but my daughter. She will never go without. I agreed to continue with the nanny. Kelly does receive a substantial child support payment every month, but that is all. I fought her to the end. I proved the marriage was a fraud. She receives no alimony. She went back to work as the guidance counselor at her old school. From what I understand, she is dating a teacher there. Probably was, while we were fucking married. Not that I even care now.

  The kids and I got an amazing co-op in Garden City. I am about ten minutes from the train. Oh and I too got a housekeeper, nanny- I don't know what the fuck to call her, other than, she is amazing. Amanda. Lesbian in fact, very attractive too. You should come and visit! You might like her! Might be exactly what you need right now. I know she is currently single."

  "You are a dick."

  I push Nick all the way sideways into the sand. He actually falls. For once, I am impressed with my strength. My physical strength that is. Emotional, well that is still one to be questioned. Nick is quick to sit back up.

  "As I was saying, Amanda lives with us full time. She does everything with and for the kids. She is exceptionally kind and caring. To be honest she constantly adjusts and accepts to my crazy schedule and without fear keeps me in check. She has no issue voicing her opinions. I actually am grateful. She always makes sure I never allow myself to become so busy I am not connected with the kids. Sophia especially seems to adore her and Amanda could not be more loving with her. Kelly and I do have joint custody.

  Sophia is with each of us two weeks every month; until that is she begins school. Then we are to sit down again and see what will be best for her at that time. Her life will never be juggled back and forth or pulled in two directions. I will never allow it."

  "Quite a bit to process. I am at a loss for words."

  He stands wiping the sand off himself. He pulls me up. "So...my life has been work also. That is all I got! Sperm donor ninety-three! My life at forty-one. Definitely not the one I envisioned."

  "I am not sure what to say?"

  "Nothing. I appreciate you listening. Seems even more real for some reason, sharing it with you. Perhaps this is all penance I am supposed to serve."

  "That is ridiculous. God Damn it Nick. My life and choices were not yours! My life was going to reveal itself at some point. I was the keeper of secrets. Not you. I truly wish there is something I could say to you to make it somehow better."

  "How is it you have always described life? Twisted. Truly Twisted. You are right. Come on it's getting late. Let's get back. I need another drink! You still smoke?"

  "Who me?"

  "My thoughts exactly. Have you had enough time in between that you can enjoy another glass of wine with me?"

  "Actually this skirt being soaked for so long. I think I would really enjoy it. I am freezing. I should be fine having a glass or two. I don't take my meds till about eleven."

  "Have you taken any Xanax today?"

  "Ah no, but thank you for checki
ng."

  "I don't want to do anything wrong." Nick squeezes my hand tighter.

  "You are not. Stop worrying."

  We walk the rest of the way both in silence. The sound of waves, one falling over is fitting. That is life, one crash after the next. My head races with thoughts. I question Karma and life's simple twisted ways.

  Chapter Sixty-Five

  ` Is there ever fairness in this life? Is life simply a series of learning experiences we all pay a price for in one way or another? Truly twisted. I do not understand. I truly do not understand. Still silent, we arrive at my home and climb back to the new life I created. As I move behind Nick, I pray for his new life. Even if he does not display sorrow such as mine.

  "I need my phone. You mind checking how much wine is left. I also bought us a bottle of sangria I was saving for dinner. There is cut up fruit in the fridge. Whichever you would prefer."

  "Checking in on work?"

  "Actually no. My daughter. I added three days to this trip to try and finally see you. Today is actually a ‘vacation day’. You wouldn’t believe how many I have. I don’t really need to be in LA until Monday. The kids have so many activities on the weekends or are with friends, they didn’t blink when I said I had to leave earlier. This weekend also isn’t my weekend with Sophia. It worked out perfectly. I still want to call."

  "You came out early for me? You took off from work? You mean no work emails, no nothing?"

  "Nothing. I left and delegated all responsibility. For a Friday, no less. I am here. I am present." Nick walks into the house seeking his bag he left in my foyer.

  "What about the woman at the hotel. Evelyn? You said you would have your assistant contact her."

  "Shit. I totally forgot. I will shoot one email to Paige to follow up and then that is it. We should keep my phone in earshot. Want to make sure our dear buddy Ray does not run into any hassles." Nick begins typing fast on his phone. Faster than I have ever seen anyone be able to handle the keyboard on an IPhone.