I Walked With Her

by Lisa Barrington

  I turn back to try and look as calm as I can. Not sure any of the million things running rampant within my brain right now. "What?"

  "What did you forget?"

  Think quickly! "Oh! To shut the doors in my room. When the sun sets, the beach flies tend to venture in."

  "Beach flies? You suck at lying. At least with me you do. I was your best example on how to. Please know you don’t need to lie to me.” Nick take a sigh and then deep breath in. “Enough said on that. Sorting through this all, what caught my eye and smells the best, even cold, is the Chicken Milanese, broccoli rabe, and roasted potatoes. Ray must have ordered those. I don’t even recall seeing them but they look great. We also have fresh bread left. Sound good?"

  "Sounds good. Oven beeps; I will throw it all in. Keys are on the hook in the foyer." I think my voice may have cracked slightly.

  Nick stops again. "You are worrying me. Sure you are okay?"

  "Absolutely." I smile and shrug at him.

  "Fucking controlling liar you are. Where am I going?"

  "Ralph's. Malibu Boulevard. You do know how to drive a stick, correct?"

  "How the fuck, do you think I have gotten through the past five months of my life? I am very familiar with driving a “stick”."

  "Honestly you are foul."

  "See you in a few my dear. You need anything else while I am there. Maybe some actual food for when I leave Sunday?"

  "Fuck you. We only have four cigarettes left. That will last you maybe ten minutes after we eat."

  "This is true. Got it. I will be back."

  "You always are."

  Nick closes the door behind him. A moment later, I hear him rev the engine. I will kill him if anything happens to that car. My precious Audi, obviously one of my indulgences. It was not an impulse purchase. It was well thought out. An extremely low point actually. I fantasized about driving too fast on Mulholland Drive. How simple it could be to turn off the ridge of the road. Be finally done and off this roller coaster. It seemed a romantic ending.

  Yes, I do fantasize about my demise. Truth we know, I could never really do it. Run and retreat I am very skilled. The ultimate disappearance? My mind does have the ability to make me believe the world would be a better place without me. It is not pity or cowardly thoughts either. They are very real. They are illusions, but hope is difficult at times. I feel tired of pain and the infinite fact that every day I am destined for mental battles. Anyway, I would never. Thoughts and actions are two very different things. Those desperate moments you push through because of two truths. One, they are moments in time. Two, I love others too much. I love others far more than I love myself. Death is more about the lives that change of those you leave behind.

  While the food is heating up, I need another smoke myself. Xanax is now full in my bloodstream. Thank God. I do wonder if my dosage is enough. I can only wait for Nick to return and ask what I know may possibly break me once again. Still, I must know. It will not be an option.

  Chapter Sixty-Eight

  I hear my front door slam shut.

  "A fine automobile you have young lady. I may hit a dealer Monday evening. Hello? Where are you?"

  I am nuzzled in my corner spot. I call back. "Out here."

  Nick pops his head out. Not taking a step past the sliding doors. "Please tell me you took dinner out of the oven?”

  I get up looking at him like the idiot that he is. We both walk back into the kitchen. I lean on the island as Nick places the grocery bag on the counter. "Really? Actually, wise ass, potatoes are still heating up. They needed more time. The rest is in the warming drawer. The potatoes are most likely done by now."

  "Car is outstanding. I believe the A8 or something is a four-door sedan? Though our friend Ray may enjoy driving a little too much. The back of my car presently, is like a living room. I will need to drive your car again at least once more before I go. For now, I am starving. Let’s eat."

  I force a smile as I feel impending doom. "Glad you enjoyed my toy. Sit, I’ll fix our plates."

  Taking both plates, I bring them by the counter beside the oven. Butterflies fly everywhere within me again. Even if I was hungry before, I certainly am not now. I will need to force myself to eat a little. It will be easier than the grief I would receive for not eating at all. I fix both our plates. Heaping it on Nick’s. I hope that for once, he only concentrates on his own meal.

  It is a strange feeling sitting for the very first time at this table. The symbol in my home for a new foundation. Lay new roots in life. Yet, sitting here I am about to seek knowledge of all that is now uprooted from my life. Maybe this piece of furniture is a facade. This exquisite tree was once alive but it too uprooted finding a new home here. We are both dead inside. It was cut down, it longer breathes true life, just like me. The sudden irony sends chills within me.

  Nick is already eating and in his own thoughts it appears.

  "While I was gone I took care of some arrangements for tomorrow night. You are not going to back out are you?"

  I move my food around as I reply. "No. I said I would go. I am looking forward to it."

  Nick then looks up with his knife in the air. "One question. Your car or car service? I wasn't sure if you wanted to have a drink out or not. I have plans for dinner and then a little something after. Been quite some time since Gallo and Manale had fun after 11p.m.”

  "So it has. I guess car service would be best choice? I don’t know. Are we staying in Malibu? If not definitely care service. That way, no issues with you indulging yourself. As for me, I may simply be sleepy staying out past my bedtime and all."

  Nick tilts his head at me and points his knife slightly in my direction again. "You are a dick."

  "Always and forever." I smile back.

  “No, we are not staying in Malibu. We are heading back to LA.”

  Nick then takes a quick sip of his wine and then takes his phone from his pocket. He quickly sends a text before placing it down on the table.

  I tilt my knife back at him. "You better not be bothering Ray. You have to get a different driver."

  "Do you really think I would deal with your wrath if I interrupted Ray's romantic getaway on my tab? No. My assistant is getting us a different driver. Frankly, I am impressed with the strings she’s pulled. I had quite a list of demands earlier. Quite certain you will have a nice evening. A perfect way to celebrate."

  Just when I have managed the smallest bite of food, I look up at him. "Celebrate what?"

  Nick laughs. Why is he shaking his head with that smirk?

  "Simply you and I enjoying a compatible, lovely evening with one another. Like old times. We need to leave a little earlier than I wish though. I need to make a stop before dinner."

  "Seriously?"

  "I didn't pack for an evening out. Business yes, but not an evening with a beautiful woman. Paige has the manager at Armani putting aside a few things for me to choose from. I will be in and out in fifteen minutes."

  "Far cry from ripped jeans and motorcycle boots."

  "Thank God. As fond as I am of those memories. I much prefer Mr. Giorgio Armani. Surprisingly this dinner is rather good."

  "Yes. Much better than peanut butter and jelly."

  "You are such a dick. Fire pit after this?"

  I manage another bite of food. "I am joking. It is actually very good. Yes, to the fire pit. You will be surprised how much cooler it has gotten out. I hope you brought a sweater or something."

  "Why do you seem here, yet a million miles away since I returned?”

  I quickly look back down. "I don't sleep much. Day is simply winding down for me. I will have an espresso with my S'mores. I’d like to jump in the shower quick when we are done. I thought changing would make me feel better but I still feel gross from our walk earlier."

  "What no skinny dipping?"

  Now I look up. He needs to know I am serious. "You are more than welcome to take a dip, but I am going to pass. One. The water is freezing this time of year. Two. I am no
t getting naked with you. You have seen enough in our lifetime."

  I have to look back down. It is hard looking at him right now because I want to know what he knows. I try to focus and cut my chicken it into many pieces. I’m trying to divert his eye from what I am and am not eating.

  “How did your surgery go? I mean I can obviously see the change! All damn day I have seen the difference! Seriously. How was it? Was it painful? More so, how was it emotionally for you?”

  Well I guess fuck the chicken. It could be whole on my plate still pecking away, feathers and all and it wouldn’t fucken matter now. He had to go deep, didn’t he?

  “Nick? Really?”

  Chapter Sixty-Nine

  I put my fork and knife down and grab my napkin with both hands on my lap. “Where did that come from? We don’t need to talk about that.”

  Nick leans down almost into the table. I just listen. I don’t want to go here. He doesn’t stop.

  “Why not? We are here, sharing a meal. I have thought of it often. Rather hard not to think about it today. I care. You must realize how it took all of me not to send you flowers. Genuinely I’ve worried about you. I always will for that matter. There was a long journey to that point. One of the very few positive things you said to me in LA. I couldn’t even acknowledge it during the midst of it all.

  However, you are spiteful. I will admit that. Money was the only way I found a door into telling you about the book. Finally come clean myself. I obviously knew about your wealth at the time. How minuscule that amount was for you. You were sly taking it. You wanted me to pay didn’t you? Part of what I honestly love about you. You weren’t touching your money. It was I, who really did deserve to pay for such things.

  Seriously, I can’t imagine the surgery was easy for you. Especially here; alone. I understand your mother came before and stayed after to help. Still, I know you. I know you probably wanted it all a different way. I am so proud you saw it through. Tell me. Please.”

  I look down. Another part of me? Another part I am trying to forget and move past. Nick did know all of this from when we were young. I have not told anyone about how bad it all felt. Not even my mother.

  She was so nervous. She was handling my sadness and my physical pain. I love her so much. She is always there for me. As it is, I know how much she misses me. Talking on the phone, even FaceTime, it is obviously not the same. I only told her Ben and I had finally taken things to a different level. Concluding, I completely fucked it up; as I have every other relationship. She was so sad. I think deep down she knew I have always only loved him. She knew he was the reason I lived across the country. She even asked me to come back to New York, since Ben was no longer in my life. Telling her I still couldn’t come back, we both cried. I have had no one to talk to about any of this. I pushed everyone else away. I raise my head. The look on his face. Safety. Okay…I will talk. I put my napkin down and I bring my knees up and I start.

  “It wasn’t easy. Emotionally I wasn’t ready. Not that I am sure anyone is ever ready to reface any part of their past. Those breasts gave me an advantage in parts of my control. Control I know one day I will need it’s return. My depression at the time was quite severe. God I have been on every drug, every cocktail my doctor could mix together.”

  “You genuinely seem to be doing well now.”

  “I am, for the most part. I still feel like I am rapid cycling at times. Up and down all in one day. Look at earlier how I cried on your lap. The present cocktail, I am finally leveling off. Best I have in a long while. It’s only taken over five months to get it right. I am simply sad like any other woman would be in my shoes. I am lost.”

  I move my food around the plate with my fork. I need it to look as if I had taken a few bites while Nick has been eating. No, I actually need to look away. He is looking at me with such concern.

  Actually, I need some water. I get up before continuing to talk. I would rather more wine. It is too soon. I grab the water pitcher. “Water?”

  “Please.”

  I leave him for the moment. I grab two tall glasses stuff them with ice and fill the water pitcher and head back to the table. He says nothing as I fill our glasses. I sit Indian style this time on the large chair. I push my plate forward and with my elbow on the table, I play with my braid and continue.

  “At the time I began researching the surgery, I was all over the place. My manic highs, extreme and my lows were worse. I even contemplated ECT. The possible short-term memory loss seemed like a perfect idea. In the end though, I settled for complete numbness. Lithium. Lithium and I have a love, hate relationship. I love it because I feel nothing on it. I feel no sadness, but I also feel no happiness. I feel absolutely nothing. On Lithium looking at that, view of the ocean so spectacular in its glory, nope nothing. It’s an ocean, so what it is there. Every reaction becomes even fake or forced for me. It is why I hate it also. I needed it though. I needed the roller coaster to slow down. In the least to make some sane decisions. I stayed on it only long enough to get me stable until the surgery date was set. Lithium is the only drug; I do not suffer any withdrawal. One point for Lithium. Thank God, for at least that. I did not need any more obstacles before me. All other psychiatric drugs are evil. Some simply more than others, regardless of how necessary they all are. Enough with that.

  I thoroughly researched surgeons. I found the best of course. Yes, money was not an issue. You seem to be well aware of that. Dr. Daniel Picany. He actually specializes in reconstruction. Majority of his patients are cancer survivors. Seeing them during my many visits to his office kept me in check. A sane perspective. Deformity does not trump cancer. Small truth, there was this very sick side of me at the time. I did wish to trade places with those women.”

  Nick moves his plate forward now also. I seem to be changing his appetite. I am twisted. We already know this. He is leaning forward now on the table same as I am. “How can you even say that?”

  “Easily. They survived. Their cancer is either in remission or gone. You don’t understand Nick. Despite my real human condition, fine I lost the love of my life, who wouldn’t be sad? Nick, hello? I am mentally ill. I will never be in remission, much less mentally ill free. I will never have people look at me with the same sympathetic eye. I am not a tragedy Nick. I am disease. Every day for the rest of my life, I need to take a cocktail of drugs. Do you realize my reality? I will fall into depressions for reasons, that there are no reasons. I will seek highs that I inflict pain on myself, either emotionally or physically. Look at my tattoo obsession. You are well aware that shit hurts. Oh, God the rush of that pain, it fills me! I will risk the feelings of others for my own needs. I have put myself in jeopardy, become reckless, with several shameful endeavors.

  Nick medication, therapy they all help but there is no cure. Neither stop it. They lessen it. Technically, I am terminal. Technically, it desires to kill me daily. I have to find strength every day because if I did succumb to it, I will be a number. I will be blamed. I would be mourned but it will include anger, not at the illness but rather at me. Considered an act of selfishness. That is life, living with this mind.

  Cancer has hope. The possibility of remission and survival. In spite of the truth, there is no cure also. My mind makes me feel things that are untrue. ‘I would be better off not here’. ‘This world would be better without me’. Not that, I would be better without this world. When depression hits at times as it did at one point, I felt cursed. The idea of the surgery alone played such games. The visits with all the possible outcomes were overwhelming. I was steadfast in my decision. I simply had a six sense it was time.”

  Nick puts his head down and rubs the top of it again. Why is it the men I have cared the most about in this life all have obsession with the top of their heads in one way or another? Ben always ran his hands through his hair and now Nick runs his hands over his head repeatedly when he seems confused or frustrated? Jesus it is a good thing Nick and I never got together. He would be completely bald at the rate of my in
sanity. Lord the story only gets harder. I lean back away from the table.

  “Hardest moment. One of the consults we discussed if there could be breast tissue in the right or not. Now, had I had children, things would be different; better. So good to hear. My body during pregnancy may have possibly formed breast tissue during pregnancy. Then it could have made up for the lack of breast muscle and tissue absent at the time. Well, as we know, that never happened.

  My doctor questioned me. He pointed out in today’s day and age I was technically still in childbearing years. He asked if I intended to have a child. If so, he wanted to take a different approach for the surgery. My one simple reply. No. I broke again as I sat in that office. No sympathy please, we all know that is what it is.”

  Nick has not looked up. His fingers are clasped at the nap of his neck and he is silent now. He is solely listening. His silence, the way he is no longer even moving does not bother me. Probably better, he is still. I need to finish this.

  “So, the actual surgery. Praise God I was given a nice dose of Valium right before they took me in at 6:45 a.m. to the operating room for prep. I remember the anesthesiologist asking me how I was feeling when we got in. I masked my fear with humor. Same as I usually, awkwardly try to do. I replied, ‘I take a lot of drugs, did you really think that would be enough? I have a high tolerance. I probably need a little more’. Well, they moved me on the operating table. I laid my head down as they put my arm on one side of the cross. The table I like a cross you know. Surgical tables. We know I have been on my share. They are like being laid down for a crucifixion. They belt your arms down and everything. Anyway, the anesthesiologist pushed more Valium in my IV, very last thing I recall. Not a damn thing after that moment.

  I wasn't hooked up to any monitors, so it wasn't the anesthesia yet. I don't remember a thing. I do not even recall waking up. Nope, no recollection. I was told I was in and out about half hour then suddenly I was very awake. I remember the clock. Definitely it was the clock directly across from me that brought full consciousness. It was 3:45 p.m. It didn’t make sense. Surgery began 7:15 a.m. I asked for my doctor’s surgical nurse. Who I was then told had already left. Like, seriously? Wasn’t she supposed to wait for me to wake up?”